Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

I think your silence is your time to engage the SHL and take him to the cleaners. And who cares what he thinks, he may hope he can walk all over you - but with good legal representation and MN behind you that ain't gonna happen is it?

In case I didn't make myself clear because I was being too wordy, I agree with Cherryapple1. Ignore FB and don't honour his message with a reply. You can fight back with all your might, but it doesn't need to be in public and it would come as a huge shock to him if from now on, you do not communicate with him directly unless it is to say: "my solicitor advises".

I wouldn't send it. The bit about being happily married might give him open season on justifying why he is with her. Even if it's lies. He will have re wrote history in his head about how bad your marriage was to give him permission to cheat.

I found with my ex that any reply just give him a platform to say all his perceived grievances.

The stupid man still texts me to this day, ordering me about over dd1 and I haven't even replied for years! Nor do I ever do what he asks. I think it must drive him bonkers.

If you don't answer, he has to fill his head with all the scenarios himself.

I don't want to fight it out in public really because I worry I'll look a bit pathetic and desperate but as hobart said I don't want my silence to be taken that he can walk all over me!!

I just wish he had done level of decency and could have left me time to mourn our marriage and not just run straight to OW

I know some think she's back tracking but I think she's got what she wanted ... My husband!

And if you aren't kicking off about their relationship then there is nothing binding them together. If they have you to fight against it unites them. Take that away from them, and now they have lost the illicit, furtive fumbles amongst the staplers and box files, well what have they got left. Square root of bugger all that's what.

Just to add - when I was in your situation, I regret every single message I sent him, and I am proud of every message I didn't send. There is nothing you can say to him which will miraculously change his behaviour, there is not one word which will unlock the man you thought he was. He is gone. Sorry that is harsh - but this is your reality now - and yep, it is hideous.

If you do need to message him, compose it and leave it 24-48 hours. I really is not worth the stress of messaging unless strictly necessary - otherwise you hit send, then heart thumping wait his latest reply and bombshell. I know your every instinct is to rant and stand up for yourself - of course it is.

But just don't. Please don't. It won't make any difference - except it will make you feel worse, and does actually hand the power right back to him on a silver platter.

There is a big difference between getting him for an ego boost and no strings attached sex and getting him for keeps.

If I was so inclined, that I needed lots of male attention and wanted to feel like some femme fatale at work with all the men swooning over me, it might not feel quite the same as having him and only him for the foreseeable and forsaking all others.

Only time will tell if she wants him or not, but I'm inclined to think she doesn't.

I don't want my silence to be taken that he can walk all over me!!
It doesn't matter what he takes your silence to mean, as long as you know you are working at looking after yourself and the children and when you finally reply, it will be via a SHL and you will shock him with what you've been getting up to behind his back as much as he and OW did with their affair

I've checked back in and his stupidity knows no bounds, respect, really??? What a CUNT!!! Out of curiosity I might message WFs mate and ask if she knew they fucked at work and her pal gave your husbands blowjobs in a cupboard?

I'm so so sorry you have to go through this, sending you hugs and chocolate/ice cream/wine or something stronger. Xx

I agree with dum

I think it will shock the hell out of him, if you stay silent and then the 1st shot across the bow so to speak, is a Sol letter.

He will definitely be aware that you cannot be walked over in that instance.

Just make sure you get your Sol to go in tough. 70:30 in your favour etc.

Oh to be a fly on the wall at times.

I wouldn't send the message. Don't let him know your feelings or your progress, your next steps or struggle with what he has done. Don't let him in, give him no information whatsoever about you and your life.

Try hard to disconnect, he has done...massively. And give him no attention. It will smack of you pining for him, and give his over inflated ego yet another boost. He already think females fall at his feet.

Shut the door and lie low. Only talk to people who care about you, good people. That's my advice and what I'd do.

I wouldn't send the message either. Either keep quiet and say nothing or reply something simple like "Please don't refrain from changing your relationship status on my behalf, it doesn't bother me and you can do as you wish in your own private life. Going forward the only communication that is necessary from you is with regards to the children." I would be tempted to chuck in a comment about how you are finding his updates quite tedious just to stick the boot in a little but then I'm a bit of a bitch.

After that I would try your best not to get personal in any messages. Have a stock message to respond to anything unrelated to the children and send the same one word for word every time he strays to a different topic. Even sorting out finances etc. Your solicitor will deal with that.

I won't go into my story here as it isn't directly relevant as my ExH didn't cheat on me but there were still a lot of lies, deception and ultimately myself and DD left because he chose alcohol over us time and time again and I can honestly say that things will get better for you. It'll take time and it will feel like you have to travel to hell and back and then flung right back to hell again countless times but you will get there.

When people ask you how you are with regards to the breakup I would also advise you make a point of saying something like "whilst it's been difficult dealing with the aftermath of ExHs affair..." You don't have to right it on the side of your car, people will get in touch and they will ask. For your own sake tell them. Do not protect his inexcusable actions for one second. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he has everything to be ashamed of. Try not to lose sight of that

He is going to realise pretty quickly that he can't walk all over you when he hears from your SHL. You have the upper hand at the moment. They don't know how you are going to react. Keep it that way.

Just as a side note. Try your hardest not to actually mention a solicitor to him. Leave it till he receives the first letter to figure it out. In his deluded little world he probably think that yours has fallen apart and you won't have even thought about piecing little bits back together. Surprise is definitely your best form of attack right now and you have the added bonus of a little bit of extra time whilst he's distracted.

Yeah, don't send the message, just because it makes you vulnerable by showing him your emotion. He doesn't deserve that much. I would say, "You are welcome to change your relationship status as I prefer everything to be out in the open so I don't need to explain to people" or something like that. But you don't need to let him see how wounded you are.

It does need to come out, and sooner rather than later.

They should be shamed, but don't know how to do that in a 'dignified' way. The sad thing about silence is that it lets him get away with it publicly - going out, having fun and going back to hers with no-one (including all your mutual friends and family) batting an eyelid at him, people he sees in pubs, supermarkets, the High Street thinking, "Oh poor chap, they split up" etc. He should have to feel embarrassed if he goes out to places where people are who know you, and I am angry that he doesn't have to avoid anything and is carrying on the way he is. He should feel worried if he goes to the supermarket at who he's going to bump into and what do they know? And he should feel scared that work are going to come down on him like a ton of bricks. I don't think you need to tell work if it will affect you financially, but really, do you think they'd fire him or just rap him over the knuckles? I think if she is not directly junior and it's all been mutual then he will just get a warning and a stern telling off for the abuse of company time but you could probe that with a work colleague who is there (and also indirectly let it out).

Nobody will be laughing at you. I've never read an affair thread that has left me so incensed on your behalf.

Whether you like this or not this is being played out in public, your friends and family will know and I'm a firm believer that it's best to get the truth out in the open before he rewrites history so that you were the bitch from hell, your marriage was dead, they tried to fight it etc etc.

I'd post something on FB like "some of you will now know that fuckwit and I have separated. If you see him with his new gf, that is why. Sorry for doing this on FB but I've been completely blindsided by his affair at work (actually in the office - nice), so I can't face telling everyone individually at the moment."

Don't let him hide behind faux concern for you, neither of them has an ounce of respect for you, they just want to hide their own despicable behaviour.

Who gives blowjobs at work to men who are shagging their wives? If I worked with DH I wouldn't even give him a blowjob at work. She sounds rank, but your DH is the real cunt here, he really is. Do not lose sight of that.

You're doing amazingly well btw, you're strong and wonderful and you don't deserve any of this

Orphelia - you don't have to be silent - but show your voice where you mean to hit hard - like a steely solicitors letter. The little love nest stationary cupboard will come back to Earth with a bump.

Write all the hurtful things he has ever done and all of the things you want to say to him - but don't send them. He doesn't deserve to know those parts of you now, don't give your heart to him - burn a letter if need be.

They both sound as rank as each other. I wonder who will cheat first? My money is on her.

Don't share your feelings with him. Leave him guessing. Your power is in your silence. And then take him to the fucking cleaners.

Don't share your feelings with him. Leave him guessing. Your power is in your silence. And then take him to the fucking cleaners.

ophelia I've been thinking about this and I think his vile cruel behsviour is what will get you through this quicker.
If he was being all lovely and caring it would make you even more sad as he'd still be the nice bloke you thought he was.
As it is he is showing qualities that are extremely unattractive and unpleasant.
This previously seen persona is deplorable and Id say would have come out eventually in other ways.
I'd definitely kelp silent and dignified.
Don't play his patrinising games and feed his need to know he could come back any time he wants.
Let him face the stark reality of what he has done and see how that feels.
I totally agree that the ow doesn't sound as if she's in it for the long haul, particularly when she is forced into co habitation with somebody who, let's face it, she hardly knows!!

I think I just don't want him smugly sitting there thinking you're too distraught and pining over him to be in touch. Maybe it is best to keep a poker face though and hit him with a solicitors letter.

I do still think it's worth sending an unemotional reply back asking him to update his relationship status so that you don't have to deal with explaining it all though.

It's very, very early days and it's completely understandable that you want to let him know what you are thinking but I think it's best if you don't. He already knows how much he has hurt you, he just doesn't care.

If I were you I have NO IDEA what I would do I like to think I would take the moral high ground and retain a cool and collected stance. I think it's best for you and best for the kids. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of but I don't think there is much to gained by detailing his sordid carryings on to other people apart from your family and closest friends.

Nobody will be laughing at you. I've never read an affair thread that has left me so incensed on your behalf

Same here, been here since thread one and just wanted to echo this

Personally I think you were right just informing the people who were important to you they way you did.

If he should decide start parading it all about on FB though, well that's a different ball game and YOU have soo much evidence

I think you are amazingly dignified Op and I admire you a lot

Hi Ophelia,

I haven't messaged yet, but been reading and you have my total sympathy and support. One thing that was mentioned by a few people on the first thread was to get an STI test, please consider this if you haven't already, as after reading her 'I get to be naughty too' comment you don't know what she's been doing while sleeping with him.

I hope for your sake they were safe, but you'd be better off getting checked sooner rather than later.