Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 27/04/2015 16:15

Hmm . . . interesting.

She says ""you're still sleeping with your wife so I get to be naughty too ;-P" - implies she is not all that bothered about this . . . or rather only bothered about it in the context of it not being fair that he is being possessive about her.

Your DBro says she was not particularly all over him when he saw them.

Now it is SHE who doesn't want their relationship status all over Facebook.

D'you know, I think she's not that into him.

Ha bloody ha.

BalloonSlayer · 27/04/2015 16:16

Sorry shouldn't have added ha bloody ha because if he has done all this for someone who really doesn't give a shit then it's even less funny. Sad

BalloonSlayer · 27/04/2015 16:20

Or you could tell people.

"DH has left me and the twins to pursue a relationship with X from work. He tells me she gave him blow jobs in the stationery cupboard. Somewhat unsurprisingly he has declared that it is true love. I wish them all the happiness they truly deserve."

BettyCatKitten · 27/04/2015 16:23

she doesn't want to hurt me more than they already have
I'm seething on your behalfAngry
Shame she didn't consider your feelings when she started flirting with him and sucking him off in the stationary cupboard!!
This has nothing to do with hurting you and everything to do with protecting their social standing and giant ego's.
Shout it from the roof tops, they are having everything their way. Only you can burst their deluded bubble.

MaMaof04 · 27/04/2015 16:23

Still Balloon you slayed a ballooned man and it is fine. Ophelie should see him for what he is: not much when he is not with Ophelie. Away from Ophelie: he is just a bit of wooden pencil to suck on when the OW is bored at work- So again Ophelie: You must be lucky to be yourself! He was lucky to have you and he was willing to gamble his luck for 'this woman'.

thornyhousewife · 27/04/2015 16:27

Balloon slayer = nail on head.

Ophelia please either use the above text or maintain radio silence.

I hope you're ok this afternoon.

sassandfaff · 27/04/2015 16:27

mamao
I didn't mean it as a way to enlighten him. I meant it as a way to crash and burn him. And I said I would not that op should.

Sometimes people just post mean things that might make op smile, even if it's a wry smile. Not necessarily as a means to tell her what to do.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 27/04/2015 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaMaof04 · 27/04/2015 16:35

My apologies Sass&Faff. I get it now. Wink

sassandfaff · 27/04/2015 16:37

No worries. MaMa Smile

HollyJollyDillydolly · 27/04/2015 16:40

He is definitely not "single", technically he's either married or separated. I still can't believe what a complete twunt he's being.
Hope you had a nice weekend with your twins.

HobartPaving · 27/04/2015 16:48

Message him that actually you've thought about it and you would appreciate him accurately updating his status to in a relationship with WF. That way speculation can be minimised and you won't have to deal with people asking what's happened.

Otherwise ask your DB or a friend to comment on his single status with "oh I thought you were seeing the woman you were shagging behind Ophelia's back. What's happened?!"

JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/04/2015 16:56

I don't get why you don't want to say the truth op. :(

You know he doesn't have a hold over you now..

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 27/04/2015 17:01

I'm so worn out. We've just got home from my parents and it's really hard to act all happy around the twins. I feel like a knife is stabbing me all over right now!

I didn't respond to his message as I had nothing left to give or say by that point. I've had loads of people message me after seeing his change in status some just finishing for gossip others genuinely concerned.

The girl he used to work with who is close to OW text me to say she was sorry and hoped I was ok. She hasn't mentioned anything to do with OW so I don't know if she just saw his update or whether something has been said.

I've written a message back to him now that is just waiting for me to hit send saying

"I don't think its possible for you to causes me any more anguish and hurt than you have done by betraying our marriage and family by sleeping with "X" and carrying on a full blown affair with her. You obviously have no respect for me our children or yourself if you are prepared to act in this way. If you want to put yourself in relationship with "X" that's fine as honestly I think you'll have a hard time justifying to all your friends and work colleagues how within a week you've gone from happily married to a new Girlfriend but I'm sure they will love hearing the sordid details of how you shagged her all over the office. I imagine you'll be the talk of the coffee hub before the hour is out"

OP posts:
midgeymum2 · 27/04/2015 17:02

I didn't mean to say in my post above that he's single - I was being ironic, hence inverted commas. Sorry OP I genuinely didn't mean to suggest that he is in fact single or is, in my opinion, justified in his behaviour in any way.

If you do reply to his text I would go with "ha ha lol" but you are clearly much more dignified than me Wink

Dumdedumdedum · 27/04/2015 17:02

OpheliaRose, I hope you are doing all right and are not too drained after your meeting with the solicitor. I also hope the solicitor helped to clarify that you are no way in the wrong in this and that you have every right to take your time and work out what is best for you and your twins, rather than allowing yourself to be bullied into doing what your H wants because despite his disgraceful behaviour, he still seems to think he can call the shots.
Personally, I think FB is the least of your worries. If I were you, I would have blocked my H by now and hidden my relationship status completely. In any case, neither of you is single, you are separated. Nor do I think FB is the place to make statements to your mutual friends about what is going on, but I am an old, old-fashioned woman. What you put up on FB now may come back and bite you eventually, you never know. Better your H and the OW get bitten than you. I think OW is covering her backside (for once) in case anyone from work takes a look and sees that a week after he moved out of the marital home, she and he are seen to be "in a relationship".
Please, if you can, stop showing an interest to him in anything he is doing apart from how it relates directly to his contact with his children and your shared finances.
All this is easier said than done. I salute you for your dignity and fortitude , you have achieved a lot in a week. I just wish you had a bit more righteous anger to sweep you forward, onward and away from this mess which is not at all of your own making.
Flowers Flowers

HoggleHoggle · 27/04/2015 17:08

There have been some real shockers over the last week but the fact that he is actually saying to you that ow is directing their - and by extension your- relationship status is almost beyond anything else. What the actual fuck is wrong with him?

Ophelie I do admire your dignified silence however I think now might be the time to really start fighting. I think you can remain dignified whilst also making sure the real story of this marriage breakdown is known.

Please, please do not let them get away with this absolute bollocks. They can not pretend they are decent people. If you do the crime, you can damn well own up to it. Fucking bastards.

Dumdedumdedum · 27/04/2015 17:09

*OpheliaRose" Just seen your update, I hope you manage to cope with the babies this evening, I sense early bed for them tonight!
If you really want to respond to him, I think that text is excellent. You might yet want to carry on in silence, though. Might make him wonder what you're up to behind his back.
Did I misunderstand that you were meeting a solicitor (sorry, SHL!) today?

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 17:10

What a vile man

Gets to be naughty too - rates sleeping with your wife the same as mistress.

Out of respect - doesn't know the meaning of the word.

She says - why does he think you care what that bitch thinks?

Don't protect him anymore

Put what the hell you want as your status. He will.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 27/04/2015 17:10

Hoggle you are right I thought I could maintain my dignity (and hide from my Shame) by being silent but it's past that now

OP posts:
HobartPaving · 27/04/2015 17:12

I would just add to the end of the message "in fact if you don't publicise the fact you're in a relationship with her, I am more than willing to do it for you". MAKE them come clean to everyone

MaMaof04 · 27/04/2015 17:15

If I am allowed I would beg you not to send this message.
IMO you must stop talking to him about your feelings or emotions.
Your pain is not his to sooth. He took enough of you. Do not bring him any closer to your inner self. As suggested by PPs take a lead in the public domain and let people know what happened before they do it. Just with the right amount of details. So that they stop using you as a leaf to cover their indecency ('we didn't want to go public with it too soon so as not to hurt her - we waited until they separate to be together' etc.)

It is tough/ Emotions and events keep rushing and submerging you and drilling holes in your heart. It is so physical. Believe me it will be better. Just keep him far from you your heart and your pain. Big Hugs!

HoggleHoggle · 27/04/2015 17:15

You can still keep your dignity as you honestly do sound a truly naturally dignified person. That will always shine through. I think you just need to channel a bit of ruthlessness at the moment.

Obviously you don't want to be dragged into his sordidness, but I am concerned that he and she are trying to direct how things go in terms of why the marriage broke down and it makes me feel sick on your behalf that they might be successful in this. This sounds pathetic but it's just not fair.

Cherryapple1 · 27/04/2015 17:15

I agree, block him. Hide your relationship status, and make everything on your own FB as invisible as poss. You can hide your friends list, likes, etc. Even stop people messaging you if they aren't on your friends list etc. Oh and block her too.

I wouldn't honour his message with a reply. Remember your power is your silence. Your concern now is you and yours and finding a way forward. You owe him nothing. Don't give his rancid goings on any attention. It will just feed their 'lurve' if you do.

HobartPaving · 27/04/2015 17:17

I think there's a danger that he's seeing the silence as meaning he can walk all over you and come out smelling of roses. So I do think it's time to show some claws