Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Thank you for your support.

He changed his Facebook to single late last night. He messaged me to say that he'd done it, apparently he'd been avoiding such public displays out of respect to me. He wanted to give me time timely people know.

I asked him if that meant I should expect "X is now in a relationship with OW" he said no she doesn't think Think that's a good idea and doesn't want to hurt me anymore than they have already

"X is now in a relationship with OW" he said no she doesn't think Think that's a good idea and doesn't want to hurt me anymore than they have already

Say you'd MUCH rather they are open and upfront about it rather than carrying on their little charade of getting together after a decent period of time.

Agree with Merry - he's hiding behind "respect" (ha!) when he just doesn't want people thinking badly of him.

To give you time? Jesus effing Christ it's only been days, ophelia our time scale is more or less the same with them walking out on their families, I'm in absolute bits, not eaten for 7 days, just can't cope with anything, I don't even know you but I'm thinking of you all the time wondering how your feeling, I'd say be strong and keep your chin up etc etc but I'm loving this nightmare too and know your just living 5 minutes at a time, the lovely ladies on this forum who have been where we are now keep me going that this will get better, it's the only thing keeping me going xxxxxx

Living not loving!

They're lucky then, no one need ever know about their sneaking around in cupboards and his wank photos.

Hope you are ok, ophelia. If your friend had this happened to them, you wouldn't laugh at them, please don't think they'd laugh at you.

Oh how thoughtful of her to consider your feelings!! She's just so wonderful isn't she?

So she's happy to shag him but is worried a fb status change will be going too far?! Ooookaaaay...

I smell shite coming from your husband! I bet she's backing off quite spectacularly now he's 'single'!

Keep strong x

I agree MerryMarigold. Seriously, as if that's the hurtful thing. Talk about protecting themselves. Least it would save you telling everyone what a lying cheating bastard he has been.

"So she's happy to shag him but is worried a fb status change will be going too far?! Ooookaaaay..."

THIS

Oh how lovely of the OW to consider your feelings!!!!

Seriously, what a stupid cow. You're being very restrained lovely Ophelia, if it was me I'd sure as heck be plastering that 'I get to be naughty too' comment all over Facebook.

Frizzy for you, have you thought of a separate thread so you can get more direct advice?

Actually he isn't single, he is married, a small point he has conveniently forgotten about

Ophelia, please now block him on FB.

The bloke is rancid. You changed your status then so did he.

I would put money on you scaring the bejesus out of him when you did that.

He's a coward who wanted to hide behind your respectability for some time to come.

And PLS stop asking him questions.

I hate Jeremy Kyle but he is bang on the money about FB - it's not worth a consideration and causes more angst than it's worth.

Xxx

There is no easy he would be willing to look like such a sleazebag. He wasn't honest with his own parents let alone the whole of Facebook. How dare he claim it is concern for you? Arghhhhhh

What an utter utter C*unt! OMG, this guy??? Jesus Christ has he no compassion, you're the mother of his children.

OP please stop being a spectator to this car crash that he's caused, it's time to get angry, very angry, tell the whole world exactly what type of man and woman these two sh*ts are! They will both clearly stop at nothing......if you don't fight back for yourself, do it for your children!

Absolute wanker. How him and WF (sticking with that as OW is too mild for that trashy bitch) can actually think that a FB status could hurt you more than everything else they've already done is beyond ridiculous. I'm not sure how he can actually say that with a straight face. He's blatantly trying to cover up for his actions. I'd name and shame... But then in the same situation I'd be a vengeful cow. Your dignified approach is probably better!

Ophelie dear
I just want to get it crystal clear:
Am I right to say that he did not disclose you the affair but that you somehow discovered it and obliged him to 'come out of the cupboard'? So what time was he exactly giving you? How do they believe exactly that they protected your feelings when they have been plotting together to spend the rest of their working life in a cupboard? They are deluded! They believe that it is you who should be ashamed by their behavior! ' Now get up and march' (Erich Maria Remark?) 'and fight back I add. Maybe you can choose as cover to your FB this kind statement: ' My X-the father of my twins- and the OW believe that I should be ashamed because I discovered that they were shagging in all kind of places!' Name her if you want or maybe a more subtle version of this sentence might be: 'Please note: The father of my twins and his mistress do not post on their FB their relationship -that I uncovered the day after a lovely family holiday- , BECAUSE they think that it will shame/hurt me. So tell them it is OK by me. They can post it- as long as they do not feel ashamed or hurt by it of course. '
(I will bring out this cupboard until the image you have of him is completely shattered and until you see in the face of your dear son not him but the good version of him you had nurtured in your heart. He is far from what you thought he was. Your kindness decency and humility produced your wonderful twins- You will raise them to be as decent and honest as you are. He contributed what he can: some sperm. )
GRRR! I do not know what to call him or her! They are frightening how they turn situations and confusing feelings of people! ' What fucking libertine they are!' The kids got it right: monsters live and strive in cupboards! Good Luck! And you Frizzy how are you dear? Please have some food. Please go out with the kids to some place and eat some smoothie/ice-cream. Please take time to write on MN and relieve yourself from the pain- magnified by your mum's similar experience! Do you have good friends to talk to? Good Luck to us all!

Update FB status to

' x has decided his heart is no longer with me, it lays in the closet at work. Please appreciate its a difficult time for me and I won't be answering any questions about his personal affairs '

OP you need to tell people the exact truth. I don't mean go and shout it from the rooftops but make it public.

He's not doing any of this out of respect for you because he has none.

The only reason why SHE doesn't think them going public as a couple is a good idea is because she knows what people will think. And the more you keep quiet the more their plan is going to work.

Tell everybody what he/they've done... And tell them now. Otherwise everyone's going to think they waited and fell for each other after you two broke up, and that you're the jealous ex that's lying.

Dont let them look like the bigger person.

FT
We posted at the same time- your statement is better than the ones I proposed!

Personally however, if it were me, I would simply write directly
'WF your welcome to X. I don't deserve a cheating slime ball anyway I'm better than that'

I agree with PP that you should tell people before they get chance to come across like they are the injured party in some way. They don't want to hurt you any more than they already have? that's a lie, they couldn't care less. The only reason he's not still sleeping with both of you is because you found out, not because he suddenly developed a conscience and told you.

Or:
Ex-Dh isn't telling anyone yet "out of respect for me", but he moved out on Monday to be with the woman who sucks him off in the cupboard at work.

"I asked him if that meant I should expect "X is now in a relationship with OW" he said no she doesn't think Think that's a good idea and doesn't want to hurt me anymore than they have already"

I smell some reluctance here from ow.

I would have fun with this. I would tell him it's fine to put he is in a relationship with x. In fact, it would help you out with any potential queries. Let's see how fast she back paddles.

And if he doesn't do it after a few days, I would text to ask why? It might help to plant doubt in his mind as to ow intentions after all.

Sasandfaff: why should Ophelie bother with awakening him from his delusion? Did he bother being honest with Ophelie? He did not. He worked hard to strengthen her feeling of security in her marriage. Ophelie should not help him see the OW for who she is. That might fire back at her. Let them go out of their cupboard on their own and smell the coffee and face the gossips at work and more importantly face their delusion!