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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
KaputKiss · 26/04/2015 22:01

No one is laughing. They are all absolutely disgusted with your h.

Frizzybear · 26/04/2015 22:03

ophelia I know exactly how you feel, like I said to you before, our friends and family are unbelievably shocked, they all thought we were bomb proof, but here I am left with 3 beautiful children that he adores, being told "I don't love you anymore" was the hardest thing I have ever heard, most people think he's having a breakdown, I think he's ill but he's adamant it's over, please don't think people are gloating, they are just totally shocked at the news, my DH left on Tuesday my phone is going off constantly with texts, answer when you feel like it, people will understand

Undeuxtwatcinq · 26/04/2015 22:03

I promise they aren't laughing. They are also shocked because they have just realised that he's not the person they thought he was. It's out in the open now. Hold your head up high Ophelia. You are a brave brave woman going through the shittiest of times. Your RL friends can be Ophelia's army now too...

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 22:07

They aren't laughing Ophelia xxx

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 26/04/2015 22:09

Oh OP I am sure no one is laughing,they probably just think he is a major fuckface.You are doing really well,I'm sure it must be so tough.Big hugs.

Ledkr · 26/04/2015 22:10

I'm not sure anyone would laugh tbh.
I fejt quite humiliated too but I ploughed all my energy into showing everyone what a fabulous capable woman I was, so that everyone would say "God shes amazing, she's coped so well and look how beautiful and together she is"
I said to you before that even now I'm proud of the dignity I managed to maintain.
I didn't want to give the two arses the satisfaction of knowing they'd broken me.

ChooChooLaverne · 26/04/2015 22:16

Ophelia have just read your thread - noone is laughing - your friends will be as shocked as you are. Keep telling people or ask your friends if they will so it's all out in the open and he can't keep OW a sordid little secret any more.

I'm astounded by how callous and cruel he has been to you. It's almost like he expects you to give him a pat on the back or something.

You will get through this - just keep taking one day at a time. You have nothing to feel ashamed of - it's all him.

thornyhousewife · 26/04/2015 22:20

Delurking to show my support.

I'm so sorry you have been put through this, it's completely unjust and I wish I could help.

I've seen this happen to my sister in law. The pain was unbearable but it ended up being the the making of her.

Please accept any offer of help, people will want to. Try and try again to not contact him.

LucyBabs · 26/04/2015 22:57

Ophelia

Another mnetter wanting to echo what others are saying. No decent human being could ever laugh at what has happened to you. Please don't think because you may (I don't for a minute believe you have) have been a "smug Married" that anyone thinks you deserve the shit your H has put you through!

I can feel your pain from your posts I so wish I could give you a hug.

I do believe in time your hurt will lessen and you will feel nothing but contempt for your H but at the moment you still love him and your pain is raw. Please be kind to yourself. Your parents sound like lovely supportive people. Lean on them; they and your darling DTS will get you through this awful time

Flowers
AvaCrowder · 27/04/2015 00:53

Nobody will laugh at you. You thought you were happily married. He completely blindsided you.

Her message that because he was 'still' having sex with you. I'm just well she gives herself permission to fuck anybody and screw the consequences. That says a lot about her. So deeply unpleasant on so many levels.

Your thread title by the way, not sure how to cope. Well you are, and very well.

I don't think I've seen an affair thread that has upset me more, you are doing so well in the face of his cruelty.

I'd love to be a local in your pub, I'd give them so much shit.

maras2 · 27/04/2015 01:07

flange You are a wonderful woman and I think I love you Grin ophelia No one with an ounce of sense would laugh at you,honestly.You are lovely and have a great sense of decency.I admire you. Mx.

SingingHinnies · 27/04/2015 01:21

I would change status on FB to single, if there is one way to get the word out it's via FB. Someone will comment and when they do just keep it brief...

Yes i am now single as i found out DH has been having an affair with a collegue since January which was such as shock, i had no idea as we had gone on holiday as normal and there was nothing to suggest he was conducting an affair behind my back. I am aware some people have seen them together and are wondering what is going on, as you can appreciate this is such a shock as i thought we were happy, anyway he has now left and is with her so if you see them together this is why.

ladygoinggrey · 27/04/2015 06:14

No one is laughing. They are shocked, disgusted with him, and sympathetic to you. They probably feel a little shaken and are questioning how rock solid any marriage really is. I'm so in awe of your dignity and self respect. Sending you a big hug courage for the week ahead.

HoggleHoggle · 27/04/2015 06:35

No one will be laughing. They will be horrified.

Take their reaction as further proof of your husband's deceit. He fooled them as well, it wasn't just you who was taken in by his pretence of being a decent person who was invested in his family.

GERTI · 27/04/2015 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MilesHuntsWig · 27/04/2015 07:41

I agree with GERTI's suggestion,unless you'll enjoy the extra attention/fight that will ensue (which I'm guessing not) just block him on FB and remove your relationship status.

Stay dignified. No one worth being your friend would laugh at you. You have been amazing please listen to all of us telling you that and stay strong.

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 07:47

Ophelia you have the balls to do whatever you want. You owe him nothing.

Phoenix0x0 · 27/04/2015 08:06

I agree with pp.

No one will be laughing at you. They will be judging him and that is what he is trying to avoid.

Mama1980 · 27/04/2015 08:09

Morning ophelia, did you manage to get some rest?
You are doing amazingly well.
I promise no one is laughing. They will be utterly horrified at what he's done.
Thinking of you

MaMaof04 · 27/04/2015 08:29

Ophelie! Good Morning!
Glad you changed your FB cover photo.
Did you sleep a bit. o you have a nice list?
Are you ready to go to the solicitor?
About the OW and your H: they are fooling no-one; just themselves.
At this stage all your acquaintances and friends will be on your side. As PPs said above they will feel as betrayed as you do. They thought he was decent - and he still tries to fool them (lying in the Pub), but all this time he was playing a third rate porn star in a stationary cupboard.
And she is a good match to him in this aspect. There are a few people like that: they play up by the superficial rules of he society (they handle divorces well - happily share outings with their exes ..) but they have no depth in their characters and emotions ; hence they do not care being dirty when the wide audience is not watching them (such as in.......; just looking in a stationary cupboard now: hey where are the staples? what have been up to with the staples Christina?)
Have a nice day!

ClareAbshire · 27/04/2015 09:06

The comment about "being naughty" is a) gross and b) either betrays that she doesn't have any real feelings for him or that she's a manipulative game player of the highest order.

Even when I was 16 and a bit stupid quite frankly, I remember having a knot in my stomach when I thought my boyfriend had kissed his recently ex girlfriend (we were kids- we swapped partners three times a month) and knowing that if he had been near her it would mean I couldn't be kissing him anymore. So the idea that as an adult I could be in love with someone and joking about them sleeping with someone else.... Doesn't ring true for me I'm afraid.

She's a scumbag, he's an arsehole. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this and that your children have got such a fuck wit for a dad.

MerryMarigold · 27/04/2015 09:35

She sound pretty messed up, if I'm honest. If she wasn't already messed up by the end of her long term relationship (who knows why it ended), she has chosen to mess herself up further by doing this. I had an affair. It messes you up. I just feel sad for her child Sad because he doesn't deserve a messed up Mummy.

Joysmum · 27/04/2015 11:45

I don't think anyone will be laughing, if anything they'll all be thinking about how fragile love and trust is and willing you the strength to get through Flowers

FructoseTart · 27/04/2015 12:58

Change relationship status. Then just ignore if anyone comments on it.

Hope you've had a lovely weekend with DTs and parents!

Smooshface · 27/04/2015 13:59

People aren't laughing, I promise. I would be crushed if my favourite couples split up, it's horrendous and no one deserves that, smug or not.

Him wanting you to be friends with him and civil lets him off the hook, like what he did wasn't totally and utterly shit beyond belief. I remember my ex getting together with his housemate in very short order after we split up (about a month), clearly we hadn't been working for a while but I'm pretty sure it was him leaving me to be with her. When he told me he said that 'i should be happy that they have found each other'. I really wanted to just set him on fire for that.

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