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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 20:30

Ledkr I was thinking something similar Smile

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 26/04/2015 20:30

ledkr love it Grin

HobartPaving · 26/04/2015 20:34

Change it to single, let him think that you're not sat pining for him hoping he'll change his mind. It might also hit him exactly what he's throwing away.

It also sends out a clear message that something has happened, get it all out in the open so he can't keep getting the secrecy thrill out of it..as he obviously still was today

Flangeshrub · 26/04/2015 20:38

I have been where you are sadly. My 'D' H told me he didn't love me at the beginning of January this year, I thought we were soulmates. We have 3 DC. I knew straight away there was OW but he swore on the DC lives that there wasn't and not just that it would take at least 6 months till he could LOOK at another woman. I knew he was lying.
I checked his old laptop (he had passcoded his iPad and found he had been having an affair with a junior colleague for many months. He had shagged her on Christmas Day after the children and I had fallen asleep. The awful part about reading the message is that you can't unread them. I know almost everything they said to each other. I know when he said he loved her. I know how many condoms they used. I know the awful things he said about me. He had also been taking my 2 youngest children there and telling them to lie about daddy's friend. She had2 kids the same age. They played together while they shagged upstairs.

I immediately put it out there on Facebook PUBLICLY. I named her and tagged her in. I then went onto his profile and cut and pasted all their messages until he raced home and closed his profile down.

4 months down the line he is a social pariah. He was disciplined at work (she was a junior colleague). His family were furious. The relationship broke up immediately. He is having a breakdown. He feels utterly humiliated and says he will ever forgive me for ruining his life by shaming him.

I still miss him, I feel so sad for my children and my family buried don't regret what I did. I had so much support. I refused to keep his dirty little secret. Some people thought what I did was wrong and in many ways it probably was but in many ways it made us even. It gave me back some power. You don't have to do what I did but please tell people. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

You WILL feel better and sooner than you think.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 20:42

It is beyond my comprehension why these men who humiliate there family in the most selfish way then go on to expect respect and fairness!

Good for you Flange

BettyCatKitten · 26/04/2015 20:44

Wow Flange massive respect to you!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 20:45

Flangeshrub I thought my DH was the lowest of low but wow I cannot believe anyone could do that on Christmas day or while their kids where in the house. I'm so so sorry for what you went through and wow I wish I had the balls to do what you did.

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 26/04/2015 20:46

Well done Flange!!!

KaputKiss · 26/04/2015 20:50

That is bloody brilliant Flange!!!

knowledgeispower · 26/04/2015 20:51

I've had a busy weekend and I'm just catching up with the thread. As always I'm blown away by how you are handling yourself OP - with dignity.

One thing that others have commented on is the message from the ow regarding the sex with you and her sleeping with someone else. She is trying to be "cool girl" and was trying to press his buttons as she was jealous. Also a very close friend of mine had a split which by all appearances was fully resolved etc (no issues) but behind closed doors her self esteem had taken a battering. She was very much painting herself as ow is with her ex etc. However, she thought that little of herself that she began an affair with a married man. He left his family for her. A year later it was over as it was the excitement and flattery that made it an ego boost. She has confided in me since that she was deeply ashamed of her behaviour and almost had a nervous breakdown during that time. I'm not excusing ow behaviour or part in this at all. It really is a the behaviour of a "broken" vulnerable woman.

Ledkr · 26/04/2015 20:57

I don't understand the sheer cruelty of these men.
I mean if you have met someone else and want to leave to be with them then there's nothing you can do to change it but why would you not be more discreet and mindful of your partners feelings. You woukd go out of your way to make sure you didn't cause any more hurt and upset wouldnt you?
That's what always makes me think there is way more to these situations, far removed from the behsviour of normal people.

CheesyDibbles · 26/04/2015 20:58

Flangeshrub, you are an evil genius! Ophelia, keep hold of your Ice Queen, but maybe a touch of evil genius too - he deserves a very public kick in the bollocks.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 21:02

Ledkr

I think deep down they know they are scum, they have this lovely, loyal woman who is the mother of their children but conversely this only makes them feel worse about themselves so they turn their hate of themselves onto the person they can never live up to

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 21:04

The ow is a liar and a cheat so they feel more comfortable with them

Frizzybear · 26/04/2015 21:06

I think deep down they know they are scum, they have this lovely, loyal woman who is the mother of their children but conversely this only makes them feel worse about themselves so they turn their hate of themselves onto the person they can never live up to

Perfectly said, that's exactly what I needed tonight Thankyou Flowers

Ledkr · 26/04/2015 21:09

I always thought Id just boot dh out but like you Id have done anything to save things.
Then when he did want to come back after a few weeks I realised that he wasn't who I thought he was and that things were beyond repair.
I think you will be surprised how quickly you feel stronger and disinclined to be with him.

Can I please beg you not to keep torturing yourself with his face book and I tunes pictures.
If there was a recipe to feel worse then that would be it.
The key is as little contact as possible and make it your mission to not know anything he's up to.
I used to stop people mid sentence of they went to tell me anything about his new life!!

Listen to aunty LEDKR now. Grin

grumbleina · 26/04/2015 21:19

On the topic of wanting him back, I so completely understand. And it might be a bit early for this, but as someone who took someone back, I wish I had known what it would be like, before I did it. I should've really, but I just missed him so much - and also a part of me did want to 'win' over the OW.

What I really wanted, of course, was not just for him to come back, but for everything to be back. For it not to have happened. I wanted to trust him. But I couldn't take away the fact that he'd done it, and I couldn't get over the thought that he could do it again. Sure, he tried to make it ok (ish), but I'm not sure he could ever have done enough. I'm don't think it's possible, honestly, to repair that. Maybe you can move on in a different way, but I certainly couldn't.

The months I spent back with him were the worst months of my life. A million times worse than not having him. It was torture, not knowing if he wanted to be elsewhere, not trusting him, not ever able to relax. The damage to my self-esteem was massive.

In the end, it was me that ended it. He had the gall to be 'heartbroken' and play the victim to all our friends. Because he 'really wanted it to work' and I was being some grudge-holding, jealous harpy. In a way, that time is what did the most damage to our ability to get along now.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 26/04/2015 21:28

Ophelia I know I mentioned this earlier but I told everyone in a mass text ....
Made it so much easier and I got sooo much support.

mamaneedsamojito · 26/04/2015 21:33

Flange, you are my hero!

FriendofBill · 26/04/2015 21:33

healthy, well people do not behave in the way OW has.

In thread 1 DH intimated she was getting herself together or working on herself or something. Well, it didn't work did it. She's still fucked up.

They are in lust, it's a very powerful emotion, it can cause us to do all kinds of stupid things. They can dress it up as something else but lust is all it is...and it will vanish. That's when his behaviour will smack him in the face. When his perspective is not clouded by lust.

Hold on dear Ophelia, stay in the day, in the moment. You are thinking of 'going through life' when all you need to do is get through this moment. This day. You can do that.
We are with you.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 26/04/2015 21:44

Friendofbill there is nothing to suggest that H and OW aren't mentally well - they are just downright rotten to the core.

BalloonSlayer · 26/04/2015 21:50

Flange you sound fab!

< Thinks wistfully of OW's ghastly "you're still sleeping with your wife so I get to be naughty too ;-P" message plastered all over FB >

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 21:53

I've had messages from people .. its so hard. Obviously everyone is full of sympathy. How could he didn't see it coming we where the perfect couple ... I know they all mean well but part of me thinks some people are laughing. Silly smug married Ophelia Sad

OP posts:
mamaneedsamojito · 26/04/2015 21:58

If they are laughing (and honestly, they're not), they aren't your friends. They can join H and WF in the stationary cupboard and all go fuck themselves Grin.

parsnipbob · 26/04/2015 21:59

Oh Ophelia no one is laughing at you xx

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