Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
Ledkr · 26/04/2015 16:31

I wonder if the ow would be able to be so cool composed and utterly amicable IF SHE WAS AWARE OF THE SEX TIU ENJOYED ON YOUR TECDBT HOLIDAY!!
Somehow I think not Grin
Maybe you should drop it into conversation when you can.
Let's see how she handles herself then!

Ledkr · 26/04/2015 16:32

Bloody hells bell
I meant your recent holiday

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 26/04/2015 16:33

Ophelia keeping the house can be done x I told him after all the upheaval he had caused us there was no way I was uprooting the children. With tax credits and child support plus pushing him for spousal support I managed to get enough to be able to do that.
Bearing in mind the week before he left I had lost my job!

Izzie595 · 26/04/2015 17:09

Hi, haven't read any of the thread, but marking it to do so.

My Ex also left me for OW

MerryMarigold · 26/04/2015 17:45

Lots of good advice, Ophelia. Never compare yourself to her negatively. Just think: would I do what she has done to another woman and her 2yo children? If the answer is 'no' then you know who has the moral upperhand when it comes to most things, including how to handle ex's.

Phoenix0x0 · 26/04/2015 18:04

Some great advice.

I personally would ignore all this stuff about how great the OW is with her ex etc.

My friend is amicable with her ex and they do family stuff together, but as PP said up thread he didn't cheat on her with the office slapper; they split because it just wasn't working and they were better as friends.

She is not glory personified, but a women that freely gives blow jobs in a cupboard at work...

You are doing an ace job and asking your dad/DB to help with hand overs and Skype will help you to fix you.

Have you thought about counselling/therapy?

Let others around you to take back control. Begin to dictate to him about things as he is not the boss of you.

OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 18:39

I could here his voice while he was skyping it almost broke me. I miss his laugh and the way he says my name so much. I know I shouldn't miss him because he is a lying cheating prick but good it was hard.

He asked to speak to me but DB told him that it wasn't a good idea, when he said it I almost ran into the room shouting i'm here please come home.

Ledkr I think she may be aware about holiday sex some of their messages discuss the possibility of her sleeping with this other guy and she pints out that "you're still sleeping with your wife so I get to be naughty too ;-P"

My friend is pushing me to look up counsellors, she said doesn't know where she'd be right now if she had soon someone after her ex left.

I've had to start telling people, another friend messaged me and said she saw H out in the pub at lunch with (OW) and friends. Being a bit curious she'd asked where i was and he's said i hadn't been feeling great so had taken the kids to visit my parents for the weekend. so she messaged me to ask if I was feeling ok :(

I asked her how H and OW where behaving in public she said honestly she wouldn't have guessed they where having an affair, not sat next to each other, she was busy chatting away to the person sat next to her. My friend was in the same pub for them as them for a good 2 hours. She said OW left first prob 20 mins before H did but she did think it was strange H was driving when we live within walking distance of this pub. She thought maybe he was coming to get me and DTs

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 18:47

You held it together , well done

Yes a counsellor sounds a good idea, would maybe give you a wee bit of perspective. You have achieved so much in a week

GERTI · 26/04/2015 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phoenix0x0 · 26/04/2015 18:56

Well done you.

Please please send a message to him saying:

'I will not Skype, nor meet or speak on the telephone. I will only communicate with you through text/email to through my father and brother'

I agree with gerti you need to start telling people. How very dare he lie and say 'you weren't feeling well'!

OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 18:57

Gerti We ddi, my dad has been amazing I'm so grateful right now.

Disengaging from his is almost impossible, I seem to spend all my time writing messages to him then deleting them. Its getting so hard to not to talk to him. He still hasn't changed his FB password so i keep checking it to see who he's messaging and what new friends he's making. I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't seem to help myself.

despite everything he's done I still don't want my marriage to be over

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 19:00

Unfortunately Ophelia, as much as it hurts, it is over. This is a fight for survival now, he has proved how low he can sink and you need to be prepared to do battle

The heartbreak can come later, you need to get the truth out there and you need to start formalizing everything with a solicitor....dh is not on your side any longer, he is, in fact, your enemy...don't forget it

OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 19:09

Thank you Christina I know that deep down its just so hard. I just cannot get my head round how he isn't even mourning our relationship at all.

I know he has the OW but it just seems so horrible that he would be so happy to go right to her. It makes me think that maybe he really is in love with her. I think he's convinced himself he is that's why he cheated and why he is prepared to just throw away our family life

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 26/04/2015 19:14

He may not be mourning your relationship now, but sure as eggs is eggs, when him and her finish - which they will do - it will hit him with a full force. She may be the sticking plaster which makes him think everything is great, but once that sheen wears off and real life catches up the shite will hit the fan at 100mph. That is when you need to be on your guard when he tries to come crawling back telling you his relationship with her was doomed and he really loves you.... etc.

Your heart needs to catch up with your head though - it has only been a week. Just feels like the worst bad dream which you keep hoping you will wake up from.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 19:22

I'm not sure he will he will come back and to be honest i don't think it is a good idea thinking along those lines. I think that little seed of doubt is making it more difficult for you to get angry, keeping you from putting the boot in, in case it ruins the chance of him returning

somethingmorepositive · 26/04/2015 19:23

"You are still sleeping with your wife so I get to be naughty too ;-p"?????

I have been following your threads but this has made my blood boil enough to post. What a manipulative, amoral little THOT she is. (Slang for "that ho over there.") And wasn't she oh so clever, letting him chase her until she caught him. Your STBXH is a deluded idiot.

Please hold your head up and never, ever, ever compare yourself to her.

OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 19:25

I don't want to look like a fool Sad I know I need to wise up to the idea that he is not coming home.

My Mum asked me if I would take him back I lied to her and said no not after all the betrayal I read and saw but I don't feel strong enough to get through life alone right now

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 19:27

You are most definitely not a fool my lovely, you are honest, dignified and loving

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 19:28

Remember , one day at a time, one step at a time

OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 19:28

somethingmorepositive Thank you ... DH was well and truly caught Sad I hope one day he looks back and realises what a fool he looks

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 26/04/2015 19:30

That's what I thought something

Ophelia he is a twunt. He is not mourning your relationship because he is with her. He only cares about himself...demanding you meet him, Skype etc.

Let that rage rise up now. Tell everyone!

Only communicate with him through text etc until you are stronger and start the counselling ASAP.

parsnipbob · 26/04/2015 19:35

Ophelia you are so not a fool. All this has still just happened and you need time to adjust. It always feels like you will never ever get over it when it happens to you, but I promise with every week and month that goes by the pain will lessen and it will become bearable. You are going to feel happy again x

parsnipbob · 26/04/2015 19:36

PS I second the advice telling you to tell people - do! Before he gets in with his version of events.

OpheliaRose · 26/04/2015 19:40

How is best to tell people!? should I call them, a mass email or text!? facebook message?

I guess the easiest way is to changed my relationship status on facebook Sad

OP posts:
GERTI · 26/04/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.