Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Jesus Frizzybear your dad's behaviour is shocking. I'm so sorry for what you and Ophelia are going through but I know you'll be ok. Hurts like hell but karmas a bitch. July will be 10 years since this happened to me.

You do not have to let this slapper anywhere near your kids, make it clear that she is a stranger to you, you have no interest in meeting her and as she is a stranger there is no way she will be allowed access to your children, she is not the type of person you want spending time with your children.

God he makes my piss boil, they think they can just ride off into the sunset and play happy families, she is a complete stranger to you and them. I would aim to arrange access via the grandparents, drop off's at there house and he can't have overnight access until he finds somewhere to live, not OWs house because she is a stranger and you don't allow your children to meet stranger's.

Tell him he should realise it is totally inappropriate for OW to have contact wuth your children, children don't even know what has happened, he can start by collecting them from his parents house and spending the day with them being a father as the kids deserve that after what he has done to them.

Tell him his priority should be the children, spending quality time with them and letting them come to terms with what has happened, they are 2 and it's too much for them to process, he spends the day with them alone, there is absolutly no reason for her to have contact with your children which will confuse them

I think you're handling yourself so so well OP. I know it probably doesn't feel that way but your grace under pressure will throw him off the most I think.

I wouldn't make secret of his affair, and who the affair was with, so that he isn't able to hide how disgusting his behaviour has been. Keeping it secret gives him time to enjoy his new relationship glow, when he is STILL married and it's STILL an affair and he left you for her.

Also, there's mention of their talk over the instant messaging system and I wouldn't be surprised if that's a breach in some way.

With respect to visitation with the kids, be careful and copy copy copy as much as you can. He's trying to claim he only left you, not the kids so he's still this amazing dad, instead of a dirtbag that checked out of FAMILY life (not his relationship with you because you were TTC so lots of sex) long ago.

Ophelia, you'll feel a whole lot better once you start to openly say your seperated, and after his latest antics I would chose one person he works with and inform them of all the goings on as well.

With the twins being aware of sine loss and change in their lives it would definitely confuse them to see their dad with another woman, particularly as they seem unable to behave in a rational and appropriate manner for the circumstances.
Your h is conducting himself like a teenager in love not an adult father.
Young children cannot articulate confusion or worry so internalise their emotions which can be damaging.
For some reason my ex respected my wishes that ow not be around my children.
I suggested they met when I heard she was pregnant about 3 yrs later.
Oh and I chose to buy the fucker out.
He was so desperate to get away from his family of 18yrs that he took a pretty small amount.
I worked part time and had tax credits and had a pretty nice lifestyle, holidays, car etc.

In time your feelings of being "rejected and alone" will turn into feeling like a feisty, capable woman.
You and your little family will move on and have fun and grow so close.

Ophelia I have read both your threads and I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I went through a very similar situation when my marriage imploded, OW he worked with, affair conducted on works time etc.....I was in shock probably for a couple of years, looking back, the man I had been with from being a teenager had literally changed overnight and I just didnt know what my reality was anymore. Both he and the OW behaved appallingly. I also understand how you feel about the shame, and I still (ten years down the line...) feel like that sometimes. Otherwise life is brilliant for me, he is still with the OW, although they have only just started to live together, karma has really caught up with him and they dont seem to have a happy life.

I saw solicitors straightaway, and I did get a very good financial settlement, and I feel no guilt about that at all. He appears to be consumed by guilt now and after living through the impact it had on the DCs (who were young teenagers at the time) I have no sympathy for him at all.

You asked about the house and what would be the best thing to do. I kept the house, he signed it over to me and I took on the full mortgage. I would have got more than 50% of the equity anyway as the DCs refused to stay with him and due to their ages the court felt that I needed a 3 bedroomed house within their school catchment area. My solicitor strongly advised me against any agreement where we continued to live in the house until the DCs finished education and then selling and splitting 50/50. OWs husband told their employers about the affair being conducted in works time and they both had some disciplinary action taken against them - so exH stopped arguing the financials as he wanted to salvage some respect, I think. I have no regrets at all about playing dirty with him on the divorce, especially after the way he had behaved towards me. I divorced him for adultery and named the OW. She apparantly feels this has damaged their relationship years later as they will never be able to marry in church!!!! WTF!!!!

Stay strong. Please PM me if you want any advice or if you just want to chat. Thinking about you and your DCs - you will get through this, although I know it doesn't feel like that now.

Ophelie, I can't add to the already amazing advice you've been given so far, I just want to say that I hope you've been able to sleep last night.

Get busy today with that list. Think of it as work in progress.
What are your parents thoughts with all this? They sound like good people.

And remember, your dignity in this hell is awe inspiring. Use it to your advantage. It will destabilise him since he's probably wondering why your not doing the pick-me dance. Try to keep any contact to a minimum with all your responses being what's already been given.

Strength to you, my lovely.

I hope you slept well being with your babies.

gerti has given some excellent advice and like I said yesterday contact must be negociated and be in the best interests of the twins......not because he demands it.

Dustdragon's post is very wise.

Oh Ophelia, I've just read both your threads and wanted to add my support. What a pair of gutter dwelling bottom feeders!

I have no experience and therefore have no real advice to give, but you appear to be handling this so well and there seems to be plenty of good advice from posters in the know.

Thinking of you. Xx

Just wanted to echo the thoughts of everybody who says it is too early for the DTs to meet OW.

They do not NEED to meet her. They do not NEED a relationship with her.

It is not in their best interests for them to meet her for a looooong time.

Their stability is paramount.

Everybody does things differently but in the first couple of months after my H did this I insisted that I was present for all contact - so that it gave them the sense and reassurance that we both would work together as parents - I also wanted to create the impression that there was no conflict between us. There is lots of research that evidences being exposed to conflict between seperating parents is more damaging than the death of a parent. So for me I didn't want the DC to go from being with both parents all of their little lives to a situation where they were then only in the company of one parent ...I needed it to be a gradual process - for us it worked really well and although it was sooo painful It really helped my DC.

I didn't put my contact first or prioritise his - it was about what they needed.

I'm not saying this is what you should do , different ways will work for different people but I think it's helpful for you to see the different ways people have managed the situation so that you can see your options x

In addition to child maintainence also ask your solicitor about going for "Spousal Support" ( particularly as you're not earning) - an allowance that gets paid to you monthly.

I went for spousal support and it helped massively with finances .

dustdragon Thank you for your story. I think I want to keep my house i'm not sure if I can pay the full mortgage alone so I need to do some research but I love my house i've worked hard to make it the perfect family home and I put just as much into it as he did either by paying towards the Mortgage before we had DTs and after by letting him get his promotions and work those intense jobs buy taking care of our kids and home.

Hexbramble My parents are both in shock, he's pretty close with my dad they go to rugby together and the pub etc so he's really angry not just for me but for myself. My mum cried almost as much as I did but I think thats more out of pain for what I'm going through.

Gerti Thank you again for excellent advice re childcare

Blessed Thank you for your story, ideally I'd like the access handled as smoothly and nicely as possible. I know H has expectations because OW is still very good friends with her ex. From what he told me previously they all have dinner together once a week and the ex stays after her child is in bed to "hang out" they have days out as a "family" at least twice a month and go to family events (on both sides) kids parties and even social occasions together. She is also friendly with his new gf . I know H admires how well she handled herself and the situation so i expect he'll think there is no reason we can't be like that.

He's asked to skype the twins later as they miss him a lot and i'm trying to do whats best fro them i've agreed but said that DB will be with them when it happens because I honestly cannot bare to look at his face right now the pain will be too much.

He's only telling you about the OW's friendliness with ex to guilt you into falling into line to make his guilty path as smooth as possible. As soon as you're feeling a bit more together you may wish to inform him that 'as he will understand, there is absolutely no way you can have a relationship like that given the horrendous way they have chosen to conduct themselves.'

He admires how she handled herself in that situation but her situation was not your situation. I doubt she was subjected to this or there's no way she'd behave as "friendly" as this.

My mother left my father for another man when I was a teenager. The shock to all of us was like being hit in the face with a hammer. She still wonders why he doesn't want to be in the same room with her, even 20 years later. There are ways of splitting up that can cause minimal damage to everyone considered. Adultery is not one of them. Some hurt is too deep and too sore to ever get over. We can all be friendly and civilised? EH? NO- maybe if he hadn't been such an utter cunt then it could have worked out differently. Civilised handovers are do-able and in your best interests but being all chummy?nope!!

Your family sound dry supportive.
How's that list coming along?

I know H admires how well she handled herself and the situation so i expect he'll think there is no reason we can't be like that.

If he says this to you then tell him to let you know how she behaves should she ever find herself in the kind of situation he's placed you and the children in.
Also, don't get wrapped up in what he expects from you. It's irrelevant.

I had an amicable divorce, discussed and agreed how to split the house/contents and for the children to see their father every week. We would meet up afterwards for drinks now and then and everything was civil.

But there was no other woman, no awful messages/pics, no sordid revelations, no seedy sex at work, no slag waiting in the wings, no sneakiness, lies or betrayal. The marriage broke down for other reasons.

In your circumstances do not let him emotionally blackmail you by using the OW's situation as a role model. Role model she is not. Just fake, manipulative, cold, and quite frankly stupid. You have no idea what happened there and what dynamic is going on.

Keep fighting for your rights and do not him call the shots. Excellent advice on here about your next steps.

And quite frankly - the OW having family days out with the ex - how could that ever be a good idea. Confusing for child much?

How he could ever expect you to be amicable after he has dropped this bomb on your family - well he is utterly deluded. And a narcissistic, self-centred, immoral tosser too. But we kind of already knew that.

So do you know if ow left or her ex did? Did she have an affair previously it is the ex behaving well. Ignore him. He is just trying to make you "behave" so it lessens his guilt.
Decide what is best for you and ignore him. Given his recent track record - he is not someone to go to for advice on how to conduct yourself.

He's trying to make you behave. Are you a toddler? No, so don't listen to the twat.

"I know H admires how well she handled herself and the situation so i expect he'll think there is no reason we can't be like that. "

Agree with GERTI.

or

"PLEASE tell me that you are not expecting me to adopt a woman who sucks married mens' cocks in stationery cupboards as my role model?"