Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

My god, my blood is absolutely boiling for you!! I'm glad you are going to make an action plan with your dad. Make it a good one!! Bastard!

He is a prick!

Not even a week and taking selfies in bed .

ophelia what I was trying to say about 'could you afford the mortgage'; was that being marriaged to him and contributing to the house when you were working and looking after the children, you probably are entitled for a share in the house (not a legal expert that is why you need to discuss this with SHL).

I agree with PP try and get as much info you can prior to this week re: messages etc between them to help you, otherwise don't torture yourself.

So sorry for what you are going through. When my DH and I temporarily separated, he tried to impose his views on seeing our 6 yr old DD, on which I strongly disagreed. I spoke to the Coram
Children's centre and their advice was that, in the absence of a court order, contact arrangements are the prerogative of the resident parent. The non resident parent is expected to co-operate.

They did say that if it went to court later it would be better if the resident parent wasn't seen to be deliberately obstructive but it gave me the confidence to stand my ground during a brief infatuation of my DH's and after we resolved issues he was actually relieved I had taken a firm line for our DD's sake.

There are a quite a few photos of her on his photostream from work events but also obviously when they've been out for lunch or something over the last few weeks. Lots of pictures of them together pulling faces and having fun. It looks like relationship type photos. It just breaks my heart because we have lots of photos of us together but they are all posed of family portraits etc not so much of this selfie or fun photos.

Trying to think of all the things I should include on my action plan.
-House
-custody of kids
-Options for going back to work
-Divorce

It doesn't seem a big list but I cant work out what else I'm missing. My head is all over the place

Personally, in this 'action plan' I would factor in asking DB/DM/DF to drop off and collect the twins in case you are not up for seeing him.

Further to what I said up thread about the 'action plan'

Money: to pay utility bills, food any classes your twins attend.

I'm sure your parents will help you sort stuff out. Make sure mil sees picture of him and ow in bed if she starts any of the 'my son the blue eyed wonderful boy' shit.

Don't forget child maintenance.

How about writing everything, big or small, on to post-it notes? Then sort them in to categories that make sense for you? Perhaps short term, medium term and long term or Finances, Operation Me, the children etc.

Just to add again to the chorus of disapproval of your H's behaviour. Also to ask if you want to put some sort of temporary arrangement about money on your action plan? And to ask you to take on board what Gerti and FoolishFaye have said about allowing him access to the twins on his own terms at the moment, whilst he is of no fixed abode and before anything legal has been put in place, though without your being deliberately obstructive.

Ophelia, I've read your thread over the last couple of days and have to say I am heart broken for you. He is a CUNT of the utmost order.

Three things I wanted to say.

You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be unreasonable. It is (and believe me a judge would think so also) completely understandable for you to be both of those.

Yu also do not have to allow him to have your twins for a weekend. They need to get used to the status quo at present and will be completely unnerved by being away from you. They will not understand what is happening and it is not I there best interest.

Agree with him he can have joint residency but the children will reside with you and he will see them on pre prescribed times. It is unlikely a judge would give a full time working parent 50% custody when it means the children will be in childcare when they can be in the care of their parent (you).

It will get easier then it will get harder. Sometimes you'll see the wood for the trees and then the clouds will descend. You'll get there though, it will be a long hard slog but you'll get there.

So sorry for you Ophelia. Don't let the bastard grind you down. You will come through this.

Thinking on money is it reasonable for me to ask that he pays Bills, Mortgage, housekeeping as normal until I have sorted tax credits and work out my options to go back to work or will i be expect to live off joint account and my savings?

Also if he is doing this will he be excused from maintenance for that time? want to know what I should be asking for when I talk to my solicitor this is humiliating enough without looking like an idiot asking for unachievable things

I think that it would be reasonable to expect the status quo for at least 6 weeks whilst you come to terms. It's not even been a week yet.

Your solicitor should advise you on that - he'll already know what kind if arrangements are reasonable

this is humiliating enough without looking like an idiot asking for unachievable things - well if you knew the answers you wouldn't need a solicitor - he'll be expecting you to ask questions & to guide you.

I think that's reasinabke Ophelia. Remember that tax credits take a little while to be established. Chikd maintenance can also take some time. Chikd maintenance won't be payable until they contact him, which agsin takes some time.

Don't feel humiliated. It's him who should be humiliated honey. Most solicitors will have sat through this scenario, sadly, a million times, they will be sympathetic and kind and if they aren't, pick up your handbag and walk out the door.

Don't tell Wankbag your plans either. Do not divulge anything re going back to work, tax credits etc until you have it all sewn up.

I agree with what you said about housekeeping, mortgage etc.

I have a friend who has split up with her DP. She lives in the house (he insisted because of their son), he pays all bills and housekeeping.

Yes, definitely don't let him know that you've got the ball rolling with financial things.

tax credits is dated from the day you contact them, so the sooner you make that initial call the better.

interesting point:
you can claim divorce on grounds of adultery within 6 months of DD.
So hurry up I think. Just google divorce on adultery grounds in the UK- Here some links:
BTW no lawyer will expect you to know what to ask for- if they are good SHL they will know what list to focus on.
www.divorce-rights.co.uk/FAQ/my-spouse-is-having-an-affair-what-should-I-do.html
www.divorce-rights.co.uk/divorce-solicitors/question-about-divorce-and-separation.html
www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2012/08/22/adultery-and-divorce-the-top-ten-myths/
www.terry.co.uk/adultery.html
Good Luck! Hugs

Thank you for all your helpful comments.

Vivacia I know it hasn't been a week yet but it feels like an age has past i can't believe how different my life is.

As i don't have much experience with this i'm just going off others advice. My friend from work found out her ex was leaving on the friday night and he started "his weekends" with the kids the next week. Her kids where 4 and 18 months her ex argued they where too young to understand what was happening so wouldn't be affected by starting the weekends then, he also said he'd pay his half of the rent but no bills but only for 3 months max so she would need to sort herself out somewhere to live or find a way to pay the full rent. He also paid less maintenance during that time to make up for the extra expense of the rent (although he moved back with his parents so in theory was saving money a month!). They weren't married tho so she didn't think she had much of a causes to argue so they worked stuff out just between them

I've asked my Dad or DB to help with handovers for the kids but I think i'm going to say that I will not agree EoW or over night access unless he either gets himself sorted somewhere to live or he has them at his parents

What does he suggest is a good time scale for the children meeting girlfriends and boyfriends
Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents says you should wait at least a year after a parental split before introducing new partners. The general advice for waiting until a relationship is 6 months old is for after that first year.

Speaking as someone whose dad moved straight out of the family home and in with the woman he had an affair with, I would say it is definitely not in the best interests of the children to meet OW for 6 months - 1 year after the relationship is established.

I was twelve when my Dad left. Am 26 now and still don't associate with the OW. That was my choice. My siblings went when they were young as they were made to but as soon as they were old enough to choose, they stopped.

God he really is the lowest of the low isn't he Wouldn't it be a shame if one of their morning selfies ended up on his Facebook page for the whole world to see......

Though you are too good a person to stoop to his level. Don't let him bully/intimidate you into anything you're not comfortable with regarding contact/money.