Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

but can i stop him taking them to stay with OW?

No. I wouldn't be able to resist saying "look, I know you can do as you want with the kids when you have them, but until we're all certain this isn't just an infatuation I don't think you should have them anywhere near a spank who gives blow jobs to married men this other woman as it's just not fair".

And yes, I'd do my best to ensure they had your kids and hers alternate weekends. Just for the fucking hell of it.

Great answer

Opinions differ, Ophelia, most people I know who have been through this have fought to keep the house and then sold it a few years later for a fresh start, not wanting to go through all the chaos of house moving at the same time as trying to find an new structure for co-parenting and dealing with the emotional pain. It depends whether you think you and your children would prefer the home to remain stable during that time or are more prone to wanting to change everything at the same time, which can be exhausting but save dragging it out.

All advice is to wait at least six months before introducing another party to kids. If he ignores this he is acting against his children's best interests.

I can't decided whats worse knowing he's free to spend time with his OW or the idea that she might be around my kids

I think you should base decisions on what's best for the children.

I'm so sorry OP. They're so young for this . What a fucker. I keeping, "how could a parent do this?".

In terms of them seeing the OW I think you should talk to your ex. Say you expect he will want them to meet her at some point and spend time with her, but having read up on this kind of thing you understand that it's in their best interests for this to happen at a slow pace. What does he suggest is a good time scale for the children meeting girlfriends and boyfriends?

And then don't react. Just get his response in an email.

I agree with Blood on tracks.
The aspects to consider:
1- where will your new job be? better to live next to it if possible.
2- do you want to move next to your parents for support and child-minding?
3- Do you have good child care next to the house you live in now? would it better to move somewhere else for childcare?
4- Will you get good monies from selling it now? Will the part you get be enough to help you buy your own house in a good location?
There are many practical aspects to consider before you decide to sell.
And then of course there are the emotional ones. But best to start with a pragmatic approach. It is difficult enough to cope with his behavior and divorce without having to cope with moving etc.
About kids: as Blood on tracks said. Also make sure it is not on the week ends she get her little one- just to annoy them a bit. Good luck

Vivacia

What does he suggest is a good time scale for the children meeting girlfriends and boyfriends?

Yes, even if it's the farthest thing from your mind right now, plant that seed that you will be looking to date - that may focus his thoughts on appropriate speed to introduce kids to OW.

downs reply was good. Until a relationship is an 'established' (like serious for a long time), the lOW should not meet your children. This isn't being unfair, but is putting your children's interests at heart....it will be confusing enough for them as it is.

Also, his text to you saying 'I'd like them next weekend, this could be the start of 'my' weekends' is making an assumption like he is dictating terms of contact. Contact has to be negotiated between you both.

When seeing SHL ask about the house. I understand that from what you previously said that it is solely in his name, but if he bought it when you were first together, you have contributed financially to it. Could you afford the mortgage on just your salary?

Yes, definitely throw in the idea you are now single and likely to have a new relationship soon (even if its the furthest thing from your mind, get it in there), that'll get him thinking! Let him know in no uncertain terms you consider yourself a free agent looking for fun

vivacia brilliant!

That will definately make him sit up and think about it..

Phoenix I don't think i could afford a 3 bed place alone so my twins would have to share but that's not the end of the world. My friend from work who i've spoken to earns the same as I would if I went back and she has a mortgage. She suggested of and when i'm ready I speak to her mortgage adviser

Vivacia I know whats best for my children is that they see H, i'm just not sure I trust him right now to put their interests first. I never thought previously he'd even consider exposing them to the OW too early or anything like that but obviously I also didn't even consider he was having an affair. After reading all the stuff he's said to her I just don't trust his judgement. Originally I told him i didnt want her anywhere near the kids and he said fine he's respect that but eventually he would want to introduce them but given what a selfish prick he is i'm not sure I trust him

It started out as sex and a thrill for them both I think, I wont list all his reasons because its humiliating but I can see from the stuff he;s said to her following our holiday before I found out he definitely was starting to consider it more than that.

As the Ipad is linked to his itunes the photostream on it includes pictures from his phone it seems. There was a nice selfie of them cuddling in bed this morning and out last night for dinner etc.

GERTI thank you! i've been struggling to write a decent reply that doesn't look like i'm desperate and pathetic. You've given me exactly what i need to say in a reasonable tone! I could kiss you (if i wasn't so snotty from crying)

Oh Ophelia that is torture for you. That last bit about the selfies has literally made my blood boil. As if it wasn't already bad enough. Huge hugs x

Also my mind is literally boggling as to how he's just moved on to this OW like it's the norm! Cosy meals out and selfies in bed? I'm fuming for you.

Lindor thats what I cant understand either but from his messages to her he's been wanting her for ages.

He talks about how when saw her before her Christmas meal he couldn't get the image of her in her dress and how stunning she looked out of his head for days. And that was before the affair even started!

He clearly has feelings for her and reading some of the stuff he's said I think he;s liked her for a while he talks about missing talking to her every day when he changed jobs and how glad he is that they sit on the same office space so he can talk to her again and then once he realised she was up for an affair how he couldn't wait to get to work everyday their chats at work (i believe he;s talking about the internal messaging system they exchanged dirty talk over etc) where the highlight of his day.

Like a lot of posters told me at the start he's been checked out of the marriage for a while.

prick!

I'm sure that their company must have policies about such things?

oh Ophelia - how awful you finding more info and pics. Makes you feel sick doesn't it. And you know you shouldn't look but know you will. :(

You poor thing. He really is a twat. She's not much better.

I'm glad people are saying you shouldn't match the weekends he has the children with her child weekend as I suggested it ages ago and thought people must have thought it was a stupid idea as it had no responses. I don't want to be scoring points against him if it upsets you, Ophelia.