Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Hope you're ok, and glad you're seeing your dc today. So sorry you're being put through all this pain.

Hope you are having a lovely time with your children.

Ophelie, I hope you are well.
How was your week-end?
Remember more compromising data you get and document more chances you have to get a divorce on the best terms and also more quickly you will heal. So keep searching dear Sherlock! It hurts but it is like a strong medication against your pain: it will first strengthen before healing you.
Please try not to make public their dirty conversations/pics/actions. He might be willing to divorce on good terms (financially and custody-wise) provided you do not divulge them. 'Out of court settlements' heard about that? And you know what if he chooses the Out of Court Settlement, it is not only good for you financially and custody-wise but it will also keep you clean and everyone will know that he misbehaved and hence he was willing to propose it. Moreover your kids will not be ashamed of their dad's actions. It is sad and hurting but it is the truth: any mud you throw at him publicly might spill back on your dear twins. It is a very delicate situation. However be cunny: do not let him feel that you are willing to accept all kind of conditions for the sake of your kids. Do play it tight- he must not yet know that you know a lot and have a lot of docs about him (let him delude himself that he has the upper-hand and make some faux-pas); let your solicitor advise you when to bring out this data; he must think that you are willing to go out and make public this data if you do not get the best you can from the divorce. (He might loose his job if his company learns about what he did in the cupboard- he will certainly loose his face with his colleagues.) Good Luck

ophelia I am living this with you, hour by hour minute by minute been with my OH 22 years, he left me on Tuesday as he no longer loves me, my heart is broken as are my 3 children's just want you to know you are not alone, xxxx

Frizzy, this really is just to acknowledge your post and your heartbreak.

Frizzy - hug for you.
Please stay on thread -so many of us on here have been through this and can hopefully reassure you that you WILL get through this and be stronger for it.

Frizzy- Oh dear! We are here to listen to you and help you go through he first days/weeks. Please have faith: it is now terrible but you will come out of it stronger/. Hugs

I advise everyone not to be cunny.

Thankyou all, just understanding now how many people are suffering this nightmare, I just can't seem to cope at all, I hope poor ophelia is ok, Jesus do these men really have any heart or emotion

Aw frizzy , I am sorry

Start your own thread Frizzy if you can. It may help to tell your story, to put the last few days in to words.

Fizzy I'm so sorry you are going through this too

Its been amazing being back with my beautiful twins, I really missed them over the week but I just needed some space to get myself together. They keep asking where daddy is and talking about daddy which has been really hard. I've just told them that Daddy is away at the moment for work and he will see them very soon. I think the hardest part is one of the twins looks very much like his dad so every time i look at him i feel like i'm going to cry mu heart out.

H has text me today to say he misses the twins and would like to see them next week whether its at the house (although he understands if I don't want to be there) or he'd like to take them out for the day and dinner. Apparently he has a day off next week. I find that infuriating because of how demanding his job is at times he always found it really hard to take a day off randomly it was always pre booked well in advance leave. I haven't replied yet but he is there father so I know I can't stop him seeing them. I don't want him in the house knowing all the things he said and did there with her! (although she was never physically in our house he did stuff while thinking about or talking to her) so I will tell him to take them out for the day.

after a bit or research I don't think DB took stuff to the OW house, she never mentioned her address in the messages between them but it does tell me roughly where she lives.

Would it help to discuss how best to handle him seeing the children?

I think it might be best to set up the regular timings as soon as you can get your head around it.

I think you've already said, so apologies for foretting, but how old-ish are your children?

ophelia I understand your anger regarding time off work, my DH is a workaholic, he's out with the 2 youngest now for the afternoon, not taken them anywhere in months, he's getting people to come and finish jobs in the house to make life easier etc etc.. Why couldn't have done all this when he was at home, it's just so hard

they are 2

I replied and said he should take them out for the day, he said that was fine. He also said he would like them next weekend that can be the start of "his weekends"

earlier in the week he told me he would like them 50:50 but would be ok with every other weekend and a night in the week.

I'm not sure where he is planning to have them!? assuming at his parents but can i stop him taking them to stay with OW?

Fizzy thats exactly how I feel, we had holidays and we had fun I can;t complain about that but he could never just take a day off or even when we where on holiday he would have his work phone (even prior to the affair) just seems so unfair right now. I hope you are doing ok

When are you seeing the solicitor? Perhaps you can settle some of the issues re the kids Then?

ophelia like you explained posts ago, you thought your marriage was solid, I also was what I call a "smug married" the relationship that lots envied, got to face my 20th wedding anniversary in a few weeks, just can't do it, I can't find any strength at all, he's being so kind and caring, just wish it would all go away
I really hope you gather some strength too, I think we don't have a choice, were mums

I'm seeing them Tuesday as I planned to stay with my mum till Monday.

I feel like this is all moving too fast and out of control! I still cant beieve how much has changed in a week.

Ah that makes sense wanting to start weekends next weekend so wants them when it's ow weekend with her child I would sweetly ask if he could start weekends the following weekend as you have something planned this weekend that will bugger up their cozy weekends

I would be inclined to ignore such requests for as long as you can and then do as mrs suggested, to mess up his plans.

Mrsbird I bet you're right. Definitely put off till the following weekend OP. Put him off. Don't let him dictate the speed of your decisions. Go at your own pace, as sedately as possible. He has no right to rush you or your children into this.

Honestly thats what I want to do but then again I keep worrying if he has them when OW is on her free weekends there is nothing to stop him having her around then as well so she will be around my children.

I can't decided whats worse knowing he's free to spend time with his OW or the idea that she might be around my kids.

Once twins are in bed tonight i'm going to sit down with my dad and start writing an "action plan" as he calls it.

for people who have been through this what is best to try keep the house or to agree to it being sold etc and buying somewhere new for a fresh start!? i've been thinking about it a lot and if i went back to work I think i could get a mortgage plus whatever I get out the house but part of me doesn't want to lose my beautiful house which i've spent years making perfect.

These are all good question to note down for solicitor too, good for you Mrs, you are really starting to think practically now

You have came a long way in a short time, I am very proud of you x