Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Surely in these particular circumstances, if OpheliaRose doesn't feel her H is going to be looking after the children in a safe place, because he might take them to his OW's place, or somewhere where they will be introduced to the OW, she would have every right to ensure her wishes are observed and to protect her children by having a chaperone to make sure they are not taken to stay with the OW just a week after the cheat has moved out?

Tbh as much as he doesn't need a chaperon, in my eyes op he is a total shit and you can call the shots where twins are concerned, if you think for one second he is going to take them to her, don't allow it! And he needs to shake his head if he thinks that's ok! X

Ophelie
I would have looked as well- and I would have saved the info (on a disk on key - or on two, for backup; one to give to your Mum or solicitor; the other to keep- for instance.)
It must have reopened the fresh wound, mustn't it? I am really sorry- I know so well how it feels. But believe me, you will heal. You will feel much better- in a couple of weeks/months. You will see this tragedy for what it is: a comedy and cheap porn movies where they star, ridiculing themselves on one hand and freeing yourself from a heartless man on the other.
About the twins:
legally he got the right to take them to see the OW unless there is some concrete immediate danger to them in this visit. Of course you can start a legal process to try to limit his meetings with them but:
1- it will be onerous
2- it will be detrimental to the well being of your twins.
The best is to start a legal process to divorce ASAP (after securing the house and all finances as per the good advice given in the thread) on the grounds of his unreasonable behavior and in parallel a mediation process to discuss the twins custody.
Again: having an affair or adultery are not given any weight in divorce or custody arrangements. Dads are as important as Mums to the kids emotional development. However you can bring in his unreasonable behavior to get the most you can out of the divorce. (Maybe you should keep all the graphic/written evidence of their sordid behavior secrete so that your solicitor can use them as bargaining cards and get you a divorce on the best terms possible, regarding the finances and the custody arrangements.)
I am holding your hand dear Ophelie. Hug as tight as you can your mum and kids! Try to sleep Ophelie! Good Night!

Ophelie, keep on going. You'll eventually come out of the other side of this hell.

Right now, I'm hoping you've arrived at your parents and enjoyed lots of hugs and cuddles with your precious DT's. Lots of hugs and hand holding from your parents and a chance to tell them everything. This sordid little secret isn't your burden to shoulder. Get the support and get your side rallying round.

Your dignity is inspiring. Keep going.

Thinking of you Ophelia.
You must be reeling x
Find out all you feel compelled to know at this stage , ASAP so that then the healing process can start.

Sending warm comfort hug.

This pain WILL pass.

I've just caught up on your two threads, and I'm so sorry Ophelia.
I've been in a similar place, and I promise you it will get better, you will feel better. Heartbreak is one of those things: you can't go around it, you have to go through it (like Bearhunt )...but you will get through it and you will be happy again.

I must warn you I suspect it's been going on for longer than he's admitted.

I too would've looked, I would need to know the true extent of the betrayal, I'm so sorry it's more shit for you to deal with but I do think that to have the true picture is a quicker way to get to the anger stage, you have questioned why he didn't fight for you at the beginning, it's clear he has been lying to you for a while and from what you've since found today, his deceit goes a lot deeper - take care of you and please take comfort from your parents and your babies this weekend to gather strength for what lies ahead

Only just found this second thread - and in time to read you've found yet more filth. Hardly surprising, but upsetting all the same

Please, please make sure you copy it all and keep it somewhere completely safe; unfortunately it seems clear there's no way this can be handled amicably, and it's very true that knowledge i power

OpheliaRose, I am debunking to offer you my support and express my admiration. I have been where you are now and I promise you it WILL get easier. It really will. Sounds like you have a good support network. My very best to you and your twins. Love, catsmother x

Debunking? DeLURKING obviously! Sorry! Bloody phone!

His behaviour has been completely dispicable and he is a complete and utter dick head. There is no way that anyone will judge you, they will judge him and think that he is a liar and a cheat. And it will never go away - my friends family there is a couple who had an affair and broke up 2 marriages. It was 15 years ago but it isn't forgotten, it will always define them as a couple.

I also saw emails (which is how I found out). I took photos of a few of the emails on the iPad so I have them as evidence. I've also taken copies of various items of paperwork. I have emailed it to myself so I can access it from wherever.

I am currently at my parents house and whilst I am here I plan on printing out what I have so far and having a file here rather than risking him finding it at home. I haven't formally seen a lawyer yet (although have had a little advice from a SHL) but if I do start amassing more paperwork I will just post it or email it to my parents for the file.

Is this something you can do?

By the way having found dh was having an affair I seem to have found my very very calculating side. Please get in touch with yours too - I have found it empowering. And listen to these amazing ladies.

I don't think any lawyer would be interested in using private photos as "bargaining chips".

I keep defending the dad's rights regarding introducing the children to the OW. I do this not because I agree with them but because I don't want to set OP up for failure and frustration and further heartache.

Mama you said Patch, go girl with the proposed law! Am I wrong to think that all betrayed partners support you?

You would be wrong. Very wrong.

This isn't the first time you have advocated violence as an end to a means and not even your eccentricity can make your earlier post the least bit palatable.

Ophelia, Im sorry you've found more evidence of what was going on, it must hurt like buggery.

Sorry again for vanishing I just couldn't handle talking anyone last night. I just sobbed my heart until I went to sleep.

I've still got the iPad and planning on printing all of the stuff off it when I get I my mums. He had changed the code and also the screen is damages so I don't expect he'll think I've managed to look at it. I do expect he'll delet the photos, messages, emails and screen shots he's got eventually.

He wasn't lying about how long it's been going on but I found what must have been the first Facebook conversation which he'd (screen shot) after he's been testing the waters at work as he refers to some stuff he'd said to her there. So they started that end jam beginning of feb. what's worse is I'm pretty sure I was home that night and like I said he wasn't particularly secretive with his phone he's answe messages and emails all the time with me sat there so I can only assume I was probably making dinner chatting to him on the sofa with him while he's flirty joking and making mildly inappropriate comments to this girl.

There is a bit more stuff I found which is heart breaking to read so might need to talk about that in a bit but right now I'm just about to head off to my mums and see my beautiful twins who I've missed much. Right now all I want is to cuddle up with them

Enjoy your day with the twins OP. I've read your whole two threads. I'm gutted for you. Your pain is so raw I feel as though it's happened to someone close to me in real life. All I can say is you have coped exceptionally well and although there is a long road ahead, things will get better. They really will.

I don't have much else useful to say but you've bloody done well and we're all here for you.

Enjoy your cuddles.

De lurking to say I've followed the thread, it's horrifying to say the least. I also have twins..this is a man without a heart or a brain. Enjoy your cuddles today, sending you lots of love and strength..it's awe inspiring how well you're doing xxxx

Ophelia. You're amazing and sound like a decent person. So sorry with what has happened. Please take the advice given and stay strong for you and your family. It's so nice to hear you've got a supportive family.

As others have said, 30 is so young! I was married at 30 and started a different career. You can do whatever you want to do, but just be kind to yourself for the moment and make sure you do what's right for you on your timescales.

Your "d" h is not who you think he is so please don't treat him as such, he's a stranger who wants to disadvantage you and your children.

Oh Ophelia this is just so, so shit. I commented on your previous thread but right at the end, didn't know this one was here. Your H is an utter, utter cunt. I have been betrayed- although thankfully no kids from that relationship- and I just remember the utter, awful burning pain. I couldn't be alone with my own thoughts... I used to have to sleep with talk radio on so I wouldn't cry myself to sleep. As so many others have said though, it DOES get better. And quickly. You will move on from this. Sending you a and all my love.

OP you're grieving, and you're in shock. That bastard is still continuing to shock.

Get to your family that love and adore you and be loved. We are hear for you when you need us. You have the force of MN urging you on and hundreds of hands holding you up.

As a side note - as a technophobe I don't know if he could remotely access the iPad from whatever pit he is in. Take it, change settings, is it connected to iCloud etc. someone with more clue will advise you. Also, secure your home. You are allowed to feel safe about your home. Safe journey. One foot in front of the other. Keep going.

Here not hear.
Can't spell.