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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bloody SIL wants to visit again

189 replies

midlifehope · 21/04/2015 21:26

Again at worst possible time! We live by beach. No one visits in winter - in summer everyone interested. However this year I will be heavily pregnant / about to be in labour / in labour. Also we will be moving house locally or recently moved. I want them to respect our space, but they are insistent - saying they will camp in garden and only stay a night or two. What would you do / say?

Ps when do announced our pregnancy to her, sister in law simply said 'oh no'.....

Now they want to visit at a very vulnerable time and I can't seem to put them off!

OP posts:

FryOneFatManic · 23/04/2015 13:33

Hakluyt Wed 22-Apr-15 13:58:13
You have all noticed that this is 1, possibly 2 nights, haven't you? Not a holiday?

Do you really believe that? I think it's just something the SIL said to persuade OP to agree on them coming along to stay.

Then the nearer to the date, or even when they arrive, it'll be sprung on the OP that in fact they are staying for longer. The more I hear about the SIL's attitude the less likely I believe it's just 1 or 2 nights

WhatchaMaCalllit · 24/04/2015 07:56

Have either you or your DH emailed/texted or made any form of communication to your SIL yet???

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 24/04/2015 10:55

"Dear SIL,

I know! The DC won't recognise you! It's such a shame you didn't want to put us up in the winter!

Anyway, the time you want to visit is not ok with us. We'd love to see you , but really it's your turn to host us! Hosting is always so much more exhausting than visiting (as you pointed out back in December) and this year we obviously want to focus on the move and our new baby. The idea of having people camping in the garden when I'm huge, labouring, or at home with a new born is my idea of hell!

So we'd love to see you, but obviously when it suits all of us and not just you!

Let us know when we can visit you next.

Lots of love
Midlifehope"

You really need to be firm.

Joysmum · 24/04/2015 11:00

Genius Fuck You

PausingFlatly · 24/04/2015 11:01

FuckYouChris, that is a fabulous letter.

Friendly, breezy, positive, pulls no punches and doesn't give an inch. Perfect!

Bet you're great with toddlers, too...

LemonBreeland · 24/04/2015 11:13

OP you are struggling with being firm with her, and worrying about seeming rude because you are a people pleaser. Try to remember that she is not worried about being rude to you, or upsetting you. You do need to be very firm with her. And I would keep any email short and simple in a that's not going to work for us, sorry style. Don't tell her why as she is likely to find ways around it.

LoisPuddingLane · 24/04/2015 11:32

If it helps, think about what will happen if you don't tell her no.

Just think about that. Baby almost coming, or just arrived, you feel tired and a bit shit, and you're trying to move house. And who's this in the garden putting up a tent and asking if they can use your cooker/toilet/watch tv/raid your larder/have a bath...? Or not even asking, just doing it.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 24/04/2015 13:48

I'd actually say that if you were someone who was good at being firm then a visit wouldn't be so bad, but you're really not going to be up for daily battles if she comes. She will walk all over you even if she agrees to boundaries beforehand.

It'll all be, "it's raining! You don't mind if we all pile into the house, do you? We can't possibly sit in a tent when you're all in here snug and dry. Stick the kettle on!" Or "we'll all need to use the shower/loo/bath/washing machine/fridge/cooker! But don't mind us! You won't notice a thing!" Or "sorry we finished off the last of the bread and milk! You know what the kids are like!" Or "could you just drop as at the beach, parking's a pain, and then you can have the day to yourself! Until you come and get us!" Or "the kids have jumped over everything in sandy shoes! Just run a Hoover over it!" Or "we should have a BBQ tonight! Run and get some meat and things and I'll make a salad!"

You know it won't end well.

Petal02 · 24/04/2015 14:21

FuckYou - that letter is amazing!

Jux · 24/04/2015 14:39

Midlife, use FuckYou's letter/email, it is pure genius. And you know she's right about what it'll be like if they do come. Every box you so carefully pack will be rootled through as the kids get more and more bored - unless you drive them around all the time; she'll expect cooking to be done for her, everything. Your time will be filled up, you'll be exhausted.

She'll say they'll help, but she'll half-do something and then go off to relax as it's her holiday too. You'll be lucky to survive!

Be brave! Send FuckYou's letter you know you want to!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 24/04/2015 14:53

Chris I would love the OP's SIL to receive that letter because your later post is absolutely right and I reckon everyone reading agrees too.

I agree with this too because I've been in similar situations over the years. Someone's pushy and rude to me but I don't want to be rude back even though I'm unhappy with things and would feel hard done to or resentful.
One day I acknowledged, well, one of us is going to be put out for sure, but why should it always be me?

Quite apart from Sil's rudeness midlife, in putting off your visit because you're 'not as helpful' and apart from her trying to make out that them imposing on you at quite possibly the worst possible time when you've already said No, is for your DC's benefit, do you also see that despite DP not wishing to rock the family boat after a bit of a rift, your Sil really isn't thinking along the same lines.
Everyone really does pussyfoot around her don't they.

If you don't want her, it does seem like you must take matters into your own hands. Write and say that you've had time to consider and due to your impending labour and delivery, not to mention moving house as well, you will not be able to offer any form of accommodation You're sure they understand and you look forward to getting together later in the year. The End.

Leave her no wriggle room whatsoever and if she doesn't like it, then frankly it's her problem, not yours.

Want2bSupermum · 24/04/2015 15:07

I had the same thing with my MIL wanting to visit to be there during the birth of DD. I explained to DH that I put him first and expect him to do the same.

You need to have that conversation with your DH because right now by pandering to his sister he is putting you second at a time in your lives when you NEED to come first.

Make it explicitly clear that he needs to tell his sister no and if she shows up you will ask her to leave.

Original poster

midlifehope · 25/04/2015 12:39

In the new house there is a campsite that backs onto the house - as I said beachy area. They will now be camping there. For 1-2 nights. No big deal. No idea why I am so disproportionately troubled by that. It's casting a shadow over my summer though. I think it's cos I've thought that this is my summer to chill, to have a baby and to nest in the new house. Didn't want to let anyone in there until I have it as I want it! Can't really work out my thoughts - I think it's how they are thinking of themselves first. But I can't tell them not to camp in a public campsite can I - however close it is

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 25/04/2015 13:16

It's better than your garden.

Respond with, "it's a real shame that you're coming when we won't really have time to see you, but it'll be great for the DC that they can go with you on days out so I can put my feet up. We'll come and have a proper visit at yours once things have settled."

Original poster

midlifehope · 25/04/2015 13:18

Yes that's a good response fuckyou

OP posts:

Original poster

midlifehope · 25/04/2015 13:19

OP posts:

Inertia · 25/04/2015 14:31

FuckyouChris has some brilliant responses in this thread!

I think you're troubled because there's every chance that they'll pitch up at your house 3 times a day wanting feeding.

MsPavlichenko · 25/04/2015 14:39

What age are their DC? The last thing you need is pre/teens being in the shower for hours/hanging around using internet. I'd send FYC's email. TBH I'd probably be more explicit and just say you won't be available for visits.

If you feel you need to see them, arrange a meet up in a café/restaurant. If you're too tired, don't go yourself.

Spadequeen · 25/04/2015 14:47

Get a sign on your door saying mum and baby sleeping, please do not disturb and hang it whenever you want. Just because the knock on re door doesn't mean you have to answer.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 25/04/2015 15:32

Just plan to avoid rather than have direct confrontation. I doubt you'll have the energy to stand there and say a straight "no" to sil's demands, so have some backup plans. Try to laugh it all off if you can. And really try to make sure you put yourself first. Do as much or as little as you feel.

If she asks you to stick the kettle on, you say, "good one SIL! :o as if you'd make your 9 month pregnant SIL make a cuppa! I'll have mine with milk no sugar, thanks!" If they want to eat with you, insist they either bring food, you all go to a restaurant, or better yet, "I'm not hungry, but the kids love fish and chips. Thanks SIL!" And stick your feet up.

Feel free to misunderstand any demands she makes. They have a base at the campsite, not at your house.

If you need to escape then you have very important appointments to go to.

If she refuses any reasonable request say with a chuckle, "and there you were at Christmas going on about what easy guests you are!"

Get dh to step in if you are tired. Make it very clear that anything less than putting you first is not acceptable. If he's onside it could all end up being fun rather than a chore.

Jux · 25/04/2015 18:27

FYC, you're a marvel! How do you come up with this perfect stuff?

Midlife, just channel FYC and you'll be fine

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 25/04/2015 18:56

Jux

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/04/2015 19:10

"You are all so lovely. I love mums net . I'm imagining a virtual barricade of you all around my house with pitchforks"

Midlifehope - I have long thought we need a MN posse/intervention squad - so when a MNer is having difficulty being as blunt as they want or need to with a cheeky fecker relative or friend, the MN posse swings into action - we say the things you can't!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/04/2015 22:43

I love Chris's responses! Just move her in with you for the summer - oh wait, that's kind of counterproductive since you wanted the place to yourself. But never mind, just channel Chris over the summer and remember that they have NO RIGHT to barge into your home at any point. You have EVERY RIGHT to tell them to do one if you don't want them there.

Original poster

midlifehope · 26/04/2015 15:51

I believe based on Chris's responses, her presence would be infinitely preferable! She is thoughtful

OP posts:

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