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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bloody SIL wants to visit again

189 replies

midlifehope · 21/04/2015 21:26

Again at worst possible time! We live by beach. No one visits in winter - in summer everyone interested. However this year I will be heavily pregnant / about to be in labour / in labour. Also we will be moving house locally or recently moved. I want them to respect our space, but they are insistent - saying they will camp in garden and only stay a night or two. What would you do / say? Shock

Ps when do announced our pregnancy to her, sister in law simply said 'oh no'.....

Now they want to visit at a very vulnerable time and I can't seem to put them off!

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 22/04/2015 15:33

Honestly, it is so UTTERLY reasonable for you to say 'I'm really sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with guests in the house at that point. I will be very pregnant - I'm actually due on [insert date]. We are finding things quite stressful at the moment because of the house move, and I've not been feeling that great as a result of the anxiety associated with that. I just need a bit of quiet 'me' time to rest up before the chaos of the new baby! However, it would be lovely to see you at another time - I would like to catch up with
your news about [insert something about her and move the conversation on to a catch up]

Mouthfulofquiz · 22/04/2015 15:33

I bet it felt pretty good eh Cornchips?? Grin

Hissy · 22/04/2015 17:15

'they won't know who we are!' = emotional blackmail

When i spot this, it makes me put full lock brakes on and no amount of anything will budge me from the firm HELL NO position.

Say no.

Email SIL now with the email suggested up thread ny Muriel and that's it. all you have to do is repeat that your mind is made up and the subject is closed.

Tell your H and then all he has to do is say the same thing 'it doesn't work for us and nothing will alter that'

let her throw a tantrum, she's an idiot!

FantasticButtocks · 22/04/2015 18:09

"Hi sil, think I may have been unclear before, just so you understand we will not be have ANY guests this summer. I know you'll understand we simply have too much going on. Thought best to let you know now so you can make different holiday arrangements."

MrsRossPoldark · 22/04/2015 18:56

If your M&D are camping, so can SIL!

At least your parents are being extremely considerate - near enough to help but far enough to give you space when you need it. Bless them! Can you get Mum to suggest that SIL comes to keep her company on the campsite?

oddfodd · 22/04/2015 19:30

'Sorry if I wasn't clear earlier, we've agreed we're not having any house (or garden!) guests until at least X. We'd love to get together for a coffee or lunch if you're going to be in the area so let us know when you've decided dates - hopefully they'll fit with DC's arrival!'

Just type and send. Really, what's the worst that can happen?

GERTI · 22/04/2015 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 22/04/2015 20:25

I don't believe that your DH actually will ring his sister to cancel. He's hoping to prevaricate so long that it'll seem impossible to say no.

I'd call her myself if I were you.

GlitteryLipgloss1 · 22/04/2015 20:30

Ring her!
None of this text bollocks.
She won't dare say out loud what she has written. And if she does laugh down the phone! And repeat 'we aren't having ANY visitors around time that baby is due'

repeat as necessary as many times as it takes to get into her thick head.

Original poster
midlifehope · 22/04/2015 20:32

You've all given me brilliant words, phrases, even compete emails to use. And I know I'm using u as my personal therapists and am agonising over something actually quite simple I have to do and action I have to take. But I have a massive mental block about doing it Hmm. As someone said, I'm a people pleaser and SIL is very blunt and brazen. A bad combo. I want this summer to be about nuclear family bonding and adjusting to a new house and my son to adjust to a new baby. I feel almost guilty for the way I feel - no rationale for that I know.....

OP posts:
DarkNavyBlue · 22/04/2015 20:50

Do you have her e mail address? Am really puzzled why you don't just send something someone's written above.

Scrounger · 22/04/2015 21:00

My SIL is quite brazen too, she simply states a request /demand so firmly that we just go along with it. We're learning though and are starting to avoid it or just say no. Mind you your SIL is awesome, absolutely rhino skin you've said no and she has just ignored you and restated what she wants. It really helps me to think that my SIL has no trouble beig demanding and overbearing so I can be do. She isn't observing normal rules of engagement (would anyone who is reasonable that you know actually ask in the first place never mind ignore you saying no?) so you shouldn't. Take a leaf out of her book, she had no problem saying no at Christmas so copy her and say no now. Normal rules of engagement do not apply.

Xenadog · 22/04/2015 21:01

OP I would be tempted to email your SiL with a link to this thread and ask if she recognises anyone.

She sounds like she a has a real brass neck so I would be utterly blunt with her. A simple, "No we won't be having guests inside or outside of our house this summer, you need to find an alternative place to be if you are still keen to visit."

Your DH needs a swift kick too - he should be prioritising your needs above everyone else's. Maybe let him see this thread as well!

BlackDaisies · 22/04/2015 21:05

Ok so you feel guilty and nervous. That's ok. It doesn't mean you can't do it. Type the words at least and save the draft for a bit! Then count to 5 and press send. I would maybe try making her feel a bit guilty - "Dear SIL, please can we just confirm now that this summer we're not having guests. I'm beginning to feel a bit stressed now that I'm obviously not making this clear enough and after last time I really just want to stay calm up to the birth. Happy to see you a couple of months after the birth but before then it really is a no to staying here. I'm sure you understand."
Put a response together at least and let it sit there for a while. Tell yourself you don't have to actually send it. Then see if you can hit send. She's bullying you. Stand up to her, it's the only way to get her off your back. Think how lovely it will be to know you managed to stop the visit.

eddielizzard · 22/04/2015 21:21

i think you shouldn't give her reasons. that means she can argue with you about them.

a simple 'no, we can't do this year. we'll see you at christmas at yours.'

email it if you have to, and cc in your dh. don't explain anything. just say no.

nauticant · 22/04/2015 21:47

i think you shouldn't give her reasons. that means she can argue with you about them.

Exactly. Some of the suggestions above look like opening gambits in a negotiation. Never negotiate about stuff like this with rhino skin people who will trample all over you in order to suit themselves.

If your bottom line is that you don't want the SIL to visit over a particular period state this:

Unforunately you will not be able to stay with us according to your plan. We are not having any guests staying, even in the garden, over June/July/whenever. However, if you would like to vist in October/whenever you will be welcome then.

Make it short, direct, and absolutely non-apologetic.

Jux · 22/04/2015 23:20

You can do it, midlifehope, you can. "No, SIL, no camping in the garden, no guests, no visitors, nothing this summer. No." Repeat ad nauseam.

wigglylines · 22/04/2015 23:42

midlife let's do this in small steps. First of all, how about posting here what you would send to SIL, if you didn't feel a mental block about it?

There are lots of good words suggested, how about you pick the ones you like and put them together here?

Rainbunny · 23/04/2015 03:57

OP your response doesn't have to be rude, just forthright and clear with no room for negotiation. i would just respond "Sorry, but we won't be able to have you stay with us this summer. My impending birth is our priority and we are not going to be available to guests during this time. We would love to see you but it simply won't work this summer. Let's make alternative plans later on, that would be great!

If she pushes back, just be sweet and direct. "Sorry but we are sticking to our plan and our priorities." Obviously you need your DH to have your back on this, so make sure that he does!

LoisPuddingLane · 23/04/2015 05:11

The longer you leave it, OP, the more likely it is she'll book tickets and present it to you as a done deal, with a big rhino LOL.

And then you'll be really fucked. So put your big girl pants on and send the email. What is the worst that can happen? She'll have a bit of a tantrum and moan about how unfair it is to her brother. So make sure he's on board.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2015 05:37

She sounds just peachy!

Refusing to host you and then foisting herself and her family on you at a particularly stressful time - wonderful!

I'd be saying no too.

Along the lines of "No, you're not coming here, we will not have you. You are not helpful, whatever you think. You didn't want us at Christmas, we don't want you this summer. It is a bad time for us. If you DO come it will be a bad time for you too. Please stay away"

But that would kind of put an end to any further relationship with her! I have to ask though - who instigated the burying of the hatchet, her or your DP? I'm betting it was her, and I'm equally betting that she only did it so they could come to your home in the summer. If you lived in a town, she probably wouldn't have bothered her arse in the slightest!

musicalendorphins2 · 23/04/2015 05:38

OP, send me her e-mail address, I have no qualms telling her. ;)
I know it is much easier to give advise than it is to actually do it, but if you simply send another text saying "No, as we already told you, we don't want company."

What can they do?

musicalendorphins2 · 23/04/2015 05:39

*advice

SoldierBear · 23/04/2015 06:10

Dear SIL, obviously you could not have picked a worse time, what with a house move and my impending move. So it's not possible for you to camp in our garden. We are not making any commitments at all over the summer.

Clear, no excuses and no wriggle room. Do not make suggestions about where else she could stay or other times to visit as she sounds the type who will use this to argue why this is the only time that suits her.

It is not about her: it is about you.

So just say no and keep repeating it. Let her make her own plans but remember that when plans rely on others people then they have to agree to them!

Petal02 · 23/04/2015 11:11

OP - have you emailed SIL yet ????????