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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bloody SIL wants to visit again

189 replies

midlifehope · 21/04/2015 21:26

Again at worst possible time! We live by beach. No one visits in winter - in summer everyone interested. However this year I will be heavily pregnant / about to be in labour / in labour. Also we will be moving house locally or recently moved. I want them to respect our space, but they are insistent - saying they will camp in garden and only stay a night or two. What would you do / say? Shock

Ps when do announced our pregnancy to her, sister in law simply said 'oh no'.....

Now they want to visit at a very vulnerable time and I can't seem to put them off!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/04/2015 23:43

All these answers are brilliant. It's just that I can't bring myself to say them to her! What's wrong with me? I'm just incredulous as I would never impose myself on a family about to have a baby / move house - but I'm feeling weak about being assertive! Why? Why?

I don't know. Three choices. 1) Man up and bloody do it. 2) Get your DH to man up and bloody do it. 3) Send me her phone number and I'll bloody do it.

She may not speak to you ever again, but that's just a free bonus.

Inertia · 21/04/2015 23:49

She wouldn't let you stay at her house because she deemed you not helpful enough? And you're still dithering over whether you're being rude?

You've got to be firm. It's a flat no. No couple of nights, no dates to be negotiated, no camping, just no.

deepdarkwood · 21/04/2015 23:54

It's way easier to be assertive on the internet to someone you don't know and can't actually hear you Wink

However, this is one where someone does need to get the message through to her. I would agree that in this instance, it wouldn't be unreasonable to pass the buck to your dh as it's his sister - even if you write the text and he sends it from his account...

Honestly - it is worth being firm here (& I am usually of the 'suck it up' camp with family visits) - because otherwise you will hugely resent her for ruining your last few weeks pre-baby (as you WILL end up rushing around tidying/cooking) or your even more precious early days with the baby. Plus - if the baby has arrived - you'll have truckloads of visitors to sort out anyway....

Clobbered · 21/04/2015 23:57

Dear SIL,

Get to the far side. And stay there.

MLH

Hissy · 22/04/2015 07:10

Reply:

I said NO.

Come on love! It's THAT simple.

Redhead11 · 22/04/2015 07:21

I would be asking which part of 'no' was too difficult for her to understand! Cheeky cow. Text her back saying 'no you can't come at any point in the foreseeable future' and get your partner onside saying 'no' very loudly as well. She didn't want you to stay with her, and you don't want her to stay with you. Quite simple. I'll do it for you. This time is for you and your immediate family. Say no loud and long.

pluCaChange · 22/04/2015 07:30

You will need the one loo, for either peeing or bleeding large messy clumps. You will be up all night. Having people in your garden and in your house is the opposite of nesting. (and your midwife may need to check stitches!) Go into as much hormonal detail as you need to. It's too much of an imposition to have anyone around.

Besides, if SIL and family are there, your parents, and DH's parents will be extremely hurt that someone else is spending time with their grandchild first, not them.

It's not fair on anyone.

Any useful arguments leaping out?

TendonQueen · 22/04/2015 07:44

The 'we seem to have got our wires crossed' line was good. Block out two months and say they cannot stay during that time but will be welcome afterwards. She is being rude and inconsiderate.

MrsRossPoldark · 22/04/2015 07:44

They can stay locally & you say it would give you your space as you are about to give birth but she can also be nearby to help change nappies for you so she can be amongst the first to greet the new baby?

MrsRossPoldark · 22/04/2015 07:48

I'm feeling weak about being assertive! Why? Why?

You're pregnant my love! That's all!Smile

Mypubesarestraight · 22/04/2015 07:59

After having Bil over stay his welcome I refuse to allow anyone to stay.
Tell his to piss off OP.

TheBooMonster · 22/04/2015 08:11

How about finding the number for a campsite, they you can send her a message to say given you don't know what house you'll be in, whether you'll have had the baby and given that they're so enthusiastic about camping this will be much more convenient all round, and thank them for the offer of taking the DC off your hands whilst they're down (after all they were worried about not seeing them and the kids forgetting who they were, her words :p) they're ever so helpful!

Skiptonlass · 22/04/2015 08:14

"No, it's too close to the baby arriving." Full stop, no arguing, repeat as needed.

If they turn up anyway, bury the placenta outside their tent in an elaborate ceremony.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 22/04/2015 08:19

So OP you've got other DC?

Well then... send a message back with links to other camps sites/B&Bs nearby (but not too near).

Dear SIL,
Unfortunately we will not be hosting any visitors this summer due to my late stage of pregnancy or birth coinciding with the house move. You understand how stressful these events are without them happening at the same time.

But of course I do agree with you re the DC seeing more of family. So it would be incredibly kind of you when you are visiting the area (see campsites/B&B links) if you could take the DC with you for the camping trip. Even just day trips out for the DCs would help enormously with the house un/packing or settling in the new baby.

Send the fist paragraph - there's no ambiguity.
Send the second if you're feeling p.a./cheeky Wink

See, most normal friends/family would either stay clear to give you your space, or offer to come to you to help with un/packing and kids - at a time that suits you. Not pushing for a freebie holiday. We all know she's being rude.

If it's your sibling's wife - speak to your sibling (or copy them into the email).
If it's your DH's sibling - he needs to talk to them.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 22/04/2015 08:20

Ahh, x with Boo

Original poster
midlifehope · 22/04/2015 08:24

Thanks all, more great responses. Agree it could / should come from dp. He's on a trip away right now for a week so I can only get snatched phone conversations- in one of which he said 'don't fret about it' 'i will tell them nearer the time if not convenient' however will he really? I doubt it! Another thing is my mum and dad also plan to stay that time (they have brought their caravan local campsite) to look after ds while I go into hospital.

OP posts:
ladymalfoy · 22/04/2015 08:24

Tell her the roads surrounding your house will be blocked by your MN friends who will actively prevent her from getting to you.
I will bring my own pitchfork and oil drum to keep me warm at night.

Original poster
midlifehope · 22/04/2015 08:26

I love it ladymalfoy Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 22/04/2015 08:32

I should add that sis in law (dp s sister) has 3 DCs who where special care premature babies so she knows about birth - and my last baby nearly died and spent 10 days in NICU hence why I am massively anxious this time!

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 22/04/2015 08:32

*were

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2015 08:33

midlifehope,

"He's on a trip away right now for a week so I can only get snatched phone conversations- in one of which he said 'don't fret about it' 'i will tell them nearer the time if not convenient' however will he really? I doubt it!"

I would tell him that this needs to be sorted and now, not nearer the time. And her intended visit to camp in your garden is inconvenient in any case.

Is he really that spineless when it comes to his awful sounding sister?. If he is then you also have a DH problem as well in that some men are really spineless when it comes to their family of origin. It is more than OK to say no and repeated no's as well to overbearing and demanding family members also because your SIL likely thinks you are a pushover.

Skiptonlass · 22/04/2015 08:34

Oh, not the "nearer the time" defence. Nonononono....

Nearer the time means she'll have made plans. The answer is no, now.

The moment he is back, he tells her no. Or you tell her now if you think he'll bail on it.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2015 09:09

nearer the time if not convenient
Seriously??? IF!!
Why can't you or your DH stand up to these cheeky feckers?
Just tell them NO!

SylvaniansAtEase · 22/04/2015 09:12

Text your DH:

'I am so stressed at the thought of visitors who won't take no for an answer, I really think that it might be an idea for me to plan to have the baby at mum and dads instead of M&D coming here. It looks as if that's the only way I'm going to be able to control having peace and quiet in my own space. Let me know if you think this is preferable to being straight with your sister, because I'll need to start making plans straight away. I know this might sound OTT but that should tell you how upsetting I'm finding them steamrollering in such a bossy inappropriate way.'

namechange2015 · 22/04/2015 09:22

'Oh no' when she heard you were pregnant
'You're not helpful enough' when you wanted to stay at hers

And you're worried about being rude Hmm

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