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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bloody SIL wants to visit again

189 replies

midlifehope · 21/04/2015 21:26

Again at worst possible time! We live by beach. No one visits in winter - in summer everyone interested. However this year I will be heavily pregnant / about to be in labour / in labour. Also we will be moving house locally or recently moved. I want them to respect our space, but they are insistent - saying they will camp in garden and only stay a night or two. What would you do / say? Shock

Ps when do announced our pregnancy to her, sister in law simply said 'oh no'.....

Now they want to visit at a very vulnerable time and I can't seem to put them off!

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 22/04/2015 12:29

If they are in the garden it will be even worse than in the house, as they'll be tramping in and out all the time and - probably - hinting at how hard it was to sleep in the garden to try and make you feel bad and invite them to sleep indoors.

Please, please use one of the very good messages above. She has an absolute bloody nerve forcing herself on you. She is taking you for a mug, unfortunately.

pluCaChange · 22/04/2015 12:56

Ohhh, "we know you will understand," that's always a good one, runningoutofpatience!

Gibble1 · 22/04/2015 13:01

I would point out that even YOUR OWN PARENTS are not staying with you due to the inconvenience, they have their caravan on such and such site and highly recommend it, perhaps you could pitch your tent there as there's no way your pitching your tent on my new lawn. If you are still in your current property, you are likely to cause issues with the buyers if they turn up to a lawn which has had people camping on it, and you can tell because it trashes the grass.

Mouthfulofquiz · 22/04/2015 13:06

For the love of God - you just need to say:
Look, I know you want to come and see us, but I've decided that I'm not having anyone to stay until after the baby has been born and we have settled back into normality. Please can we discuss dates after insert your own date?

No excuses and no apologies from you. Not necessary. She sounds like a massive twat.

LoisPuddingLane · 22/04/2015 13:10

Dear SiL, please fuck off to fuck. We know you will understand.

magoria · 22/04/2015 13:12

Tell your H that you are telling him it is inconvenient now and the sooner he tells her no the better before you have a massive hormonal blow out at her and him.

juneau · 22/04/2015 13:17

Let her come back with dates and then say 'I'm sorry, its just not convenient. After my first birth experience I'm understandably anxious this time around and I simply cannot cope with house-guests or garden-guests or any other kind of guests this summer. To say nothing of moving house!' And then leave it at that. But if you send it, make sure your DP is on message for the inevitable phone call to try and change your mind. Your SIL is clearly so tactless and entitled that she won't be able to comprehend how someone could NOT want to have her to stay!

yomellamoHelly · 22/04/2015 13:20

Just to add to copy in everyone you can think of into your message so that there is no doubt about what you are saying.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2015 13:22

"Dp is actually a very strong willed person but obviously feels conflicted re his sis and me. He fell out with her over her refusal of our Xmas visit as we host them every summer. He's just buried the hatchet with her and seems to not want to rock the boat"

He may be strong willed to everyone else but he is really spineless with regards to his sister, something tells me that he really does not want to deal with this situation at all and still hopes it will all go away. He not wanting to rock the boat is also very telling of taking such a stance. His fantasy is that you all will be get along so that he does not have to do anything.

His primary loyalty should be to you, not his sister.

You will have to deal with this ultimately midlifehope because he will not readily do so.

mojo17 · 22/04/2015 13:28

Agree with all so far
Why don't you compose an unambiguous email (post it here first if you need to) then forward to your dh and sAy that this is what we will be sending as a joint email and you would like it to come from his account.
Needs to done asap as the stress is not good or your pregnancy

BitterChocolate · 22/04/2015 13:32

"Dear SIL, do you remember when you wouldn't let us visit you because we are 'not as helpful' as you? Well, actually you are not as helpful as you think you are, it's just that up to now we have been more polite to you than you were to us. Now is the time for us to prioritise our limited time and energy and so we are you will understand that you must leave us in peace as we will have no capacity for any distractions at all. Thank you for your kind thoughts."

Camping in your garden is total self-centred bollox, it'll be just as intrusive for you, possibly more so.

m0therofdragons · 22/04/2015 13:32

I would laugh and say "you're joking right? I'll be due and nobody is welcome around that time - I'll lounging round the house wanting peace and quiet before baby arrives. Maybe next year"

Anniegetyourgun · 22/04/2015 13:55

You'd think that, having only just got back on amicable terms with his sister, your DH would be keen to prevent any unpleasantness by letting her know as soon as possible that she can't stay. Waiting until the baby is nearly here before telling her that, actually, the holiday they had been planning ain't going to happen, when it's likely to be too late for them to book somewhere nearby instead, is amazingly thoughtless. Tell him to do the poor woman a favour, stop stringing her along and let her know where she stands now. Or at least agree to back you up when you tell her so he can explain how sorry he is that demon wife has put her foot down but there's nothing he can do.

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 13:58

You have all noticed that this is 1, possibly 2 nights, haven't you? Not a holiday?

Pooseyfrumpture · 22/04/2015 14:01

So one of the first things your SIL does after making up with your DH is spring this kind of bollocks?

So she's really learnt her lesson from refusing your Christmas visit not

Or was the making up just carefully timed in order for her to book her summer holidays?

Petal02 · 22/04/2015 14:02

It doesn't matter if its only 1 or 2 nights - it's not what the OP wants, it's her home and she's heavily pregnant.

LoisPuddingLane · 22/04/2015 14:02

And moving house.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/04/2015 14:05

I'm sorry, did I read that right? Your DH doesn't want to rock the boat with his sister but he's quite ok with ticking off his pregnant wife about his sister coming to stay in the garden around the time of the birth of his new child???

OP, you don't have to get rude with your SIL. You have to put your DH straight that if he doesn't tell his sister you will! Tell her that it isn't a good time and that you'd love to have them to stay in October or November time but during the summer months of May - August (insert dates to your liking) you're unable to have them stay. Supply them with the list of local B&B's or hotels in the area and say that you 100% understand their comment of the neices/nephews not knowing them but you can't get your head around why staying in your garden would help when there are other more comfortable accommodations nearby which will achieve the same goal.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/04/2015 14:06

I think Poosy has it in a nutshell!

eddielizzard · 22/04/2015 14:15

what an absolutely awful woman! such a pity she is your sil. i'm afraid you will have to either push your dh to tell her no or do it yourself. but don't put her off and tell her 'closer to the time'. that is NEVER a good strategy. that is a procrastination strategy hoping that someone else will deal with it in the meantime.

eddielizzard · 22/04/2015 14:16

pah as for 'they won't know who we are!' bullshit, well she chose to forgo that opportunity last christmas didn't she....

MrsHenryCrawford · 22/04/2015 14:17

Ring your sil (not text or email)
Say-so can't camp in my garden this year because a. It's too close to my due date and b. We are moving house.
Maybe next summer? We can discuss it when we come to visit at Christmas. Then hang up.

LoisPuddingLane · 22/04/2015 14:19

No, you can't camp in my garden because what sort of freak does that? And you're vile, that's another reason. Buh-bye.

runningoutofpatience · 22/04/2015 14:27

Hakluyt are you the SIL in disguise? kidding but still...

As someone who is due around the same time and equally pregnant I can assure you that one night is too much for all that disruption. And if it is truly only 1-2 nights THEY CAN PAY FOR ACCOMMODATION FOR THEMSELVES.

OP is perfectly within her rights to refuse to host. Even if she were not pregnant or moving, nobody should be forced to have unwanted guests - that is what the word NO is for!

CornChips · 22/04/2015 15:27

I would be straight and up front too. When I was due with DS, one of DH;s friends invited himself to stay for the long weekend on the date when DS was due in order to use our house as a base on a cycling thingie. DH said a weak yes. I said NOO. DH called his friend and said that 'CornChips is worried she might be in labour'. Friend said 'First babies are always overdue so it will be fine'.

After a long long long thread on MN, I finally laid down the law to DH and told him to tell his friend to fuck off that it was not a good idea. DH finally said (after I dialled the bloody number and held the phone to his ear) that I felt uncomfortable and needed peace just before the baby was due.Dfriend said 'Oh, of course.... sorry, I was being silly'.

Problem solved. Both DH and I are people pleasers..... it was a BIG deal for us to put our foot down, and once we did, it was fine.