Yes, I'm another one: Husband doesn't love me anymore . . .

[dontknowwhatcomesnext]

I'll keep this short-ish, but really just looking for some support, as I feel all alone. More than a year ago (!) my husband of 13 years told me that he was thinking about leaving, hadn't been happy for a while, all the usual. It was an absolute shocker for me. I knew he was unhappy with his work (he works a high stress, very demanding job and had just taken on a new role), and of course things aren't perfect after 13 years of marriage, but I was absolutely shocked by it. We have two DCs, 12 and 10.

He has been in counselling (at my instigation) for a few months now, and although things are OK and we still have a physical relationship, it was clear that he was not really "in" to me, to say the least. He's better in himself (sleeping better, less anxious, etc.) but our relationship is not better. I finally started to get angry-it has been over a year, after all-and pushed him to talk this weekend. To summarise, and although it was said nicely and with guilt, he doesn't particularly enjoy my company, looked horrified at the thought of going away with just me, etc. He says he likes me as a person, but doesn't know how to get back to what he felt before. He acknowledges that once upon a time, he really loved me a lot, but feels we don't have much in common (he's got a point there), etc. I work part-time and am in good nick, if I do say so myself, though I'm almost 48, so it's all relative.

On the upside, he has agreed to go to counselling, starting in May, but he's not thrilled about it. I kind of dread it too, but at least there's a chance it might help. I said that I don't want to do counselling just to hear that he is leaving, and he said he wouldn't go to counselling if that was the case, he would just leave.

He says there is no OW, but it would of course explain things. There's nothing too fishy and I don't have access to his computer, etc, never have. I don't really have any reason to doubt him, but I'm not 100% sure.

I am really angry sometimes, and if we didn't have children, of course my reaction to all this would have been a lot less passive. We have the opposite situation from many troubled marriages: our DC have no idea and would genuinely be shocked to the core. I'm not sure they'd ever trust anything ever again. We are a nearly perfect family from the outside (hahahaha).

I'm really not sure I could feel any more down, though oddly I'm not really crying much. I'm almost more low than crying, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for listening

Sorry you are going through this. Tbh after a year I'd be asking him it's one or the other, you stay or you go............not sure if counselling is really appropriate....

He can't expect you just to plod on waiting for him to decide, you also have a right to happiness and if you are not going to get it with him you have plenty time to go out and find it with someone else.

What does he do each evening, do you go out as a couple and have fun - I'd be watching what he does, you never know re OW, it's always possible that someone has turned his head, does he socialise with females at work?

Either way he can't keep you in limbo, he either decides or you take control and ask him to move out so you can both have space to think.

Thanks so much, Jan45. When I see someone else write it, I can see how ridiculous it looks me sitting around for a year while he decides whether he wants to stay married or not. I guess it started out that I thought he had some MH issues apart from our relationship (possibly depression, definitely some anxiety) so I thought I would give him time to sort out what was "his" issues and what were ours. I guess I still think that was fair enough, but it turns out, rightly or wrongly, he still identifies the main issue as me/us. He's feeling guilty today because he knows I'm really hurt, so made a point of saying we should go to lunch tomorrow before he goes on a business trip. Now I just feel like it's all just throwing me a bone and can't help but feel condescended to. It's so unempowering, but yet, the children . . . that's what keeps me hanging in there (not so) patiently. Thanks again for your help. X

I'm sorry to say it really sounds like someone else is involved. Not many people are willing to give up their marriage , children and home for nothing. Many people will engage in counselling simply so they can say they did everything they could.

I would be looking at phone bills and digging around a bit.

Yes, I'm with ballerina. The guilt lunch before his 'business' trip away speaks volumes.

cherchez la femme

she is around somewhere perhaps on his "business trip"

please do not go on this lunch with him tomorrow

You know what. You have given him a year. A year of heartache and waiting for him to make his fucking mind up.

He still hasn't.

He doesn't like being with you but doesn't have the guts to end things so throws you the platitude of counselling.

You need to say enough is enough. Kick him into touch. It will hurt like hell however you will eventually start to heal. The longer you let him carry on the longer you suffer and the longer before you can start to heal.

Im really sorry, but to me he wants to leave. He has wanted to leave for a while, he's not stringing you along while he decides. He's tried to tell you a few times (and been pretty honest from what I've read) but you've talked him into counselling. He's probably too weak to say no and just leave. I don't think either of you can continue this much longer. It can't be good for the children either, you must both be on eggshells..

I am sorry, it must feel awful. But please don't be too understanding. Whether he has someone else, or whether he doesn't, he is not treating you well. He needs to make his mind up. And you need to push him to it. He is not respecting you. Would you treat him like this? I suspect I know the answer to that.... So don't let him....

i recently went through the whole big 'I dont love you anymore - you dont make me feel loved, you dont make enough effort etc' with my now ex-dp of over 7 years. This was a total shock to me as he works long hours, we have a dd of 4 and you know, i thought despite some problems, that we were a family and we loved each other. I let him stay in the house at the start so he could see his daughter. He denies there's anyone else - in his case i think it might more be intentions/thoughts about someone.

Anyway it was a nightmare trying to stay amicable and positive. He seemed almost smug in his decision that we weren't happy so it was best we end it. I gave notice on our house and the night before prospective tenants came round he suddenly told me he'd made a huge mistake. He'd seen me come back into my own since he'd dumped me etc. I think this was also about consequences. If there aren't any, you're making it easy on them and making yourself suffer.

I had to throw him out in the end as it got too difficult. My daughter is still upset and things are not yet settled custody wise but I didn't take him back and everyone tells me how wonderfully well I look. I have lost weight, relaxed and realised this relationship was doing me no good.

i'm not telling you what you should do, but I wish you'd put yourself in a position to have space and think about what his behaviour is doing to you.

Break-ups are heart breaking for children but they do get through it. You need to think about you, now. They won't thank you for having suffered their father's indifference for their sakes. My mum didn't leave my dad because of us, she claimed, but I think she couldn't get the courage up to do it. They weren't happy for the second half of my childhood and it certainly reached a point where I'd rather they had separated.

I know exactly how it feels to be told you're not in the relationship you thought you were in. For me, that made it over even he'd changed his mind because I couldn't trust him not to hurt me again. It is such selfish behaviour. There may be an OW, but to be honest the person you need to worry about and look after is you. Dont let him make you feel worthless. You're not. You deserve better.

Sorry OP - didn't mean to write such a huge post.

There is a fair chance there is another woman somewhere. He isn't sure whether he wants to leave or not or else he would have left by now. Why not ask him outright if you're not happy why haven't you left. But the trouble is with asking that kind of question you may get an answer you don't like or want. Or will he even tell the truth. I'd want to know what's going on. You can't live in this limbo for ever. He's being really very unfair and selfish. Hope things work out for the best.

Oh my. Thank you so much for all your messages. I appreciate every one of them, and there is so much to think about. I think I do need to specifically ask why he hasn't left by now if he feels the way he says? I know it seems stupid, but I haven't actually asked that question. I need to sit and think - difficult with two children, a mad dog and a job.

Boy, isadorable, you have really hit the nail on the head: I've been told I am not in the relationship I thought I was in. This by the ONLY man I've ever known (got married at 34, so there were a few!) who I trusted truly loved me. It is doubly crushing that this is the message and he is the messenger. I'm so sorry for all you've been through too. Like you, I have spent a year being Polly Positive, and I am being crushed by the weight of it.

Thank you all so much again. X

Take care of yourself. You've just reminded me of what hurt me the most and why I told him I couldn't go back - he was the only man I'd ever trusted really loved me and wouldn't hurt me. I know how much it must hurt you too. It is so disappointing, isn't it?

Sorry but another way to look at this is: he has the depression/anxiety issues and has only recently started to receive treatment for these. He has agreed to the counselling and reassured you that if he was going to use it to leave, he would just leave. He clearly has a lot of negativity in his attitude and overall outlook but I would suggest you give the counselling a go in good faith that it may help you both repair things.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, AndSheRose. It is another way to look at things, and probably closest to pinpointing the reason why I have been passive for so long. I thought he needed to pick through what were his issues (and, yes, he has a lot of negativity generally in attitude and overall outlook) and what related to our relationship. As the counselling has gone on, and he is sleeping better, less anxious, etc., my mood has dropped because he still identifies the main issue as unhappiness with us. Kind of hard to be optimistic and believe me I have been so supportive and optimistic I'm practically choking on it. I think there's nothing else to do except see how the couples counselling goes as I think that could be hugely telling one way or another. I think I might go for some individual counselling too, to get my head on straight. Thanks again for posting everyone.

There isn't always another woman ( but it is common I accept that) . You don't need to feel foolish for committing to this ( counselling etc ) as that is what we do - we try to work things out especially in a longer marriage. Unfortunately this all takes a toll and it is hugely destructive on yourself. You may well find that as time goes on, you yourself start to think that you have had enough - that you have tried your best . You can end up drained of all feeling . You are in for an uphill battle. I have been through this for nearly 3 years and in the end he left anyway. There is no guarantee and I wish you the best of luck.

Hi dontknow, just wanted to send you a message of support as another one who's been where you are. Your post was almost identical to my experience but I'm nearly four years down the line now.

My exh started to be distant and snappy. Eventually he said that he didn't want to be with me any more. Said that he still found me attractive but the love was gone and he didn't think it was ever going to return.I did the same as you and was passive for a good few months to see if he came out the other side of whatever was going on...I questioned midlife crisis, depression, ow?? We were together a long time, married 13 years, dcs.
He went to counselling but never really engaged and then left me anyway. Never got a full explanation of why the marriage broke down, he denied ow.

Just wanted to let you know that three years on I'm in a much better place. And ironically glad to be out of my marriage!! Think exh just couldn't handle the everyday pressures of family life.

im also thankful that I did try to save the marriage at the time, I know deep in my heart that I tried my best and when dcs are older I'll be able to let them know this when they ask.

Look after yourself, I remember being completely emotionally and physically drained by the whole situation. X

Thank you so much for the additional messages of support.

OldWiseOne it sounds like you understand exactly my current thinking. I think at this point, short of the nuclear option (separation), I need to be able to say to myself (for myself and the children) that I did everything I knew to do. I also take your point, though, about getting fed up and drained - I know that, because I'm already starting to feel that way!

iamso and fairylights, you're hitting upon my worst fears: That at the most basic level what is really wrong is that he doesn't really like family life generally. Not much I can do about that! I can't tell you how much I shield him from the pressure (because he does in fact have a high pressure job and work long hours - and it's a job I've done before, so I do understand better than most). I do EVERYTHING around the house, our tax and finances, car care, etc, except change some lights I can't reach and he helps a lot with driving our sporty DD around to various things on the weekend (this last thing actually can take up a fair bit of time). I so appreciate your words of support. There is some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one.

Dontknow, it was the same here. He worked long hours in a stressful job. I worked part time in an equally stressful job however 99% of family stuff in the end fell to me. He would step up in a practical sense at times but had to be instructed, and would huff if what he was being asked didn't suit him. He was much better when dcs were smaller but I think that may have been the novelty of the situation when I look back.

I also wonder now if his long work hours were occasionally used an excuse to shield him from having to be at home when he didn't want to be bothered with the mundane tasks of raising kids and running a household. In reflection, I also think he dithered over his decision to leave for a while in the hope that I would put him out and then he wouldn't even have to take responsibility for the marriage split.

I really feel for you, it was an awful time. I was exhausted with the strain of having to prerend that everything was going well to the outside world while actually my marriage and home life was imploding. I went to individual counselling during it all and that was really helpful. I also went to see a solicitor for an initial appt to find out where I would stand if we split.

Friends and family were amazing when we eventually separated. I dreaded telling everyone as I knew it was going to be a shock, we also looked like the perfect family! I also felt that I had failed in some way because I couldn't make the marriage work. But that feeling passed soon enough when I reminded myself that I had done all that I could. Dcs were upset and it took a lot of reassurance for a while to help them come through it. However they appear fine now. Exh sees them regularly but still does bare minimum!

You are definitely not the only one in this type of situation, hope that it helps to let you know that x

Thanks again, iamso. We definitely have a pretty similar situation. The only thing I would say is that I KNOW that my husband 's long work hours are occasionally used as an excuse to shield him from having to be at home when he doesn't want to be bothered (this has been true pretty much all along). In fairness to him, I think he regrets a lot of that now (that is clearly something he's been discussing with his counsellor). It is also possible that he is dithering in the hopes that I will make the decision for him. That wouldn't surprise me at all. And, yes, the pretending is probably the worst bit. I have now told a few very close friends and boy was that helpful. I really felt like a weight was off me, just to have shared a bit. I have a busy few weeks with some travel with one of my DDs and work stuff, but things are going to slow in May and I intend to start some individual counselling too. I know I need it. X

iamso and dontknow I am in your situation too, 8 months down the line, H also a high achiever in a stressful profession and long hours, while I also worked 4 days a week and did everything else with the family admin, car, house etc. etc. but he'd come home expecting us to drop it all to welcome him. It was hard work, we didn't have much fun, and that was enough for him to decide after 20 years together we'd never had much in common etc.

I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It is utterly awful, but finally after 8 months I am slightly better. I'm still so so sad, but not crying much anymore (and that's an achievement for me!). Have you got young DCs? Mine are 4 and 8.

I won't months trying to change his mind, sending him articles on stress and depression (I'm pretty sure he had both, makes it hard to see anything positive which didn't help), getting friends to talk to him. I know I did everything I could to save the marriage, WHEN I KNEW IT WAS IN TROUBLE. Unfortunately by the time he told me it was a done deal in his head and there was nothing I could do about it. Just remember, we have to live with the consequences and fall out from this, but we didn't make that decision to walk away, they did. Thinking of all those ladies in this position.

Thanks for your message, Cassawoof. Really sorry to hear you've been through this too. There are a lot of similarities, especially the part about not being able to see anything positive. He is almost unrelentingly negative nowadays (at least with me). My DCs are 12 and 10, so it's all logistically a little easier than when they were younger (though all this has been happening as they went, one after the other, through the 11 plus process - not fun), but emotionally things are pretty tricky now with our eldest, who has not had the greatest year settling into senior school (that's a whole other topic!). I can't even fathom telling them and their reaction. It really makes blood run cold when I think of pulling the rug out from under them that way.

Dontknow I think your eldest is well aware that things at home are very unsteady and that's why they are struggling, children especially need a solid base to stand on as everything moves around them.

@fairylightsbackintheloft: "why are there SO many men out there who "can't handle the pressure of family life"

Because the "pressure of family life" for a man typically means going from an object of desire, one of the most important things in your woman's life - to an appendage, a walking wallet, who's treated as a figure of ridicule and disgust while you spend 99% of your time and affection on the kids that you probably wanted more than him.

"women can adjust to the way their life changes, the 'smallness' of it, the lack of mad excitement - they may feel bored / frustrated etc but that is what they have for now and that is what they chose so they get on with it"

Staying at home bringing up kids is the dream for many women.

It might shock a lot of women but most guys end up with kids because it's just the done thing. They're not desperate for them like you are.

If you settle for a "small" life then expect him to be bored.

A final point... I've lurked on these boards for quite a while, and noticed one thing (which doesn't apply in this instance)

There are typically two types of post here

1. My husband wants too much sex and I don't want to give him it
2. My husband is getting sex from another woman

One day, one of you will finally spot the link...