Yes, I'm another one: Husband doesn't love me anymore . . .

[dontknowwhatcomesnext]

I'll keep this short-ish, but really just looking for some support, as I feel all alone. More than a year ago (!) my husband of 13 years told me that he was thinking about leaving, hadn't been happy for a while, all the usual. It was an absolute shocker for me. I knew he was unhappy with his work (he works a high stress, very demanding job and had just taken on a new role), and of course things aren't perfect after 13 years of marriage, but I was absolutely shocked by it. We have two DCs, 12 and 10.

He has been in counselling (at my instigation) for a few months now, and although things are OK and we still have a physical relationship, it was clear that he was not really "in" to me, to say the least. He's better in himself (sleeping better, less anxious, etc.) but our relationship is not better. I finally started to get angry-it has been over a year, after all-and pushed him to talk this weekend. To summarise, and although it was said nicely and with guilt, he doesn't particularly enjoy my company, looked horrified at the thought of going away with just me, etc. He says he likes me as a person, but doesn't know how to get back to what he felt before. He acknowledges that once upon a time, he really loved me a lot, but feels we don't have much in common (he's got a point there), etc. I work part-time and am in good nick, if I do say so myself, though I'm almost 48, so it's all relative.

On the upside, he has agreed to go to counselling, starting in May, but he's not thrilled about it. I kind of dread it too, but at least there's a chance it might help. I said that I don't want to do counselling just to hear that he is leaving, and he said he wouldn't go to counselling if that was the case, he would just leave.

He says there is no OW, but it would of course explain things. There's nothing too fishy and I don't have access to his computer, etc, never have. I don't really have any reason to doubt him, but I'm not 100% sure.

I am really angry sometimes, and if we didn't have children, of course my reaction to all this would have been a lot less passive. We have the opposite situation from many troubled marriages: our DC have no idea and would genuinely be shocked to the core. I'm not sure they'd ever trust anything ever again. We are a nearly perfect family from the outside (hahahaha).

I'm really not sure I could feel any more down, though oddly I'm not really crying much. I'm almost more low than crying, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for listening

Nothing, in short.

If he's decided that an unhappy relationship is causing his depression rather than depression causing the unhappiness, there's f all you can do. I'm really sorry.

He neatly avoids responsibility for his interior state, and projects all of his problems externally. So then he can believe that if he changes circumstances his entire mindset will change. It will be a while before he realises that's an illusion.

It's not uncommon for people in really stressful jobs that are making their lives quite miserable, to turn against their partner. I've seen it before.

Don't know - I truly hope that your story has a much better ending than my friends. if it were me, I woudl want to set a time limit for when I was going to make a decision , it's dragged on for a long time now. Please don't waste any more years of your life in an unloving marriage.

You've had such great advice on here.

I just want to echo the thoughts of a PP on weighing up the regret you might feel at trying so long to make it work.

I look back on my superstition and I feel I wasted loads of my time - and the focus I should have had on my DC - worrying about and trying to make it work with my ex.

You might be shielding your children from this, but they'll have picked up on it in the atmosphere of the home. They won't be seeing little cuddles, kisses or signs of affection from your DH to you. Do you want to model a relationship where dads don't shows mums affection and where mums have to be extra chatty and bright to draw him out?

Please don't waste your life waiting for someone to decide whether you're good enough for them. You deserve a lot more.

He's been having an affair with one person and wildly inappropriate messaging with another. It's over. I told him he could come home tonight to get some things but that he was never sleeping here again.

You were so right. He is a walking, talking cliché. And I'm done.

I'm so sorry to hear that dontknow. I wish you the strength you need to get through this. You said upthread that it would help if there was an OW - I don't know if you still feel that way - it certainly explains his behaviour, even if it doesn't excuse it. Take care of yourself.

Oh shit :(

Still, at least now you know for sure.

What a fucking shithouse. Another cliché but you are better off without him.

How did you find out?

Oh bloody hell dontknow what an utter arsehole. Well done on kicking his sorry arse out. At least you know what you're dealing with now - I think you'll find you feel better now the uncertainty is over

What was his reaction when you confronted him? He's got some fucking brass neck hasn't he?

Bloody hell OP. What an awful shock.
Well done you for kicking him out. You have been loving and caring and giving. He is an arse.
Xx

Sorry to hear that OP, but in a way at least you know where you stand now.

He is a sht for messing with your head and making you question you relationship and inter-action with him, when the sole reason for his "depression" was the inability to keep his dck in his pants.

You are better off without him OP, it may not feel like it now, but this long-term mental abuse (which is what he's been doing to you) is horrific to live with, and long-term you will feel so much happier without him in your life.

Stay strong.

Arsehole Tosser Well done OP. Lying, cheating tosser, while all the time he was making you think it was all your fault. Lying, cheating, cowardly tosser.

Hope I've covered everything. Bet there's still scope. Sorry OP. He is a grade 1 Arsehole. Unbelieveable. Sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve any of his shit.

OP I'm so sorry.

It's one thing to fuck someone else, it's quite another to let you spend a whole year of your life busting your gut to make your marriage work when there was no hope.

What an arsehole.

I'm really sorry to hear that but at least it helps you to stop agonising and torturing yourself. Now you know why it was as it was. i wish you courage and strength for yourself and for supporting your children.

Bloody hell, what a total arse hole. He wanted to have his cake, eat it and blame you for it. Well, at least you know now, the worry and speculation is over and you can move forwards making a happier life for you and your children, and boy do you deserve it. You have tried so hard and been nothing other than supportive and honorable.

Thank you everyone, I am still in total shock. He's going to come home after DCs are in bed and pack. He will be "on a business trip" for a while until I can get some thoughts together. What's one more lie from him? I will go by myself or with him to the counselling session on Friday to discuss only how to deal with the children. The guy we were going to does family counselling, so hopefully he can give some guidance on the best way to tell a 12 and 10 year old. I can deal with everything but that.

What they all said

But you know what, if you'd kicked him out 6 months ago , you might never have found out about his cheating . He woudl have pretended that he met her ( or him ) aftre you split up, that they comforted him after his heartless wife threw him out in his fragile depressed state .

And you would have always worried that you had done the wrong thing, that you might have fixed things . If you had just given him more time

At least this way you know you did everything you could . And it wasn't about you, it was his unfaithfulness . Of the heart and body .

Bastard. Talk about cake eating < spits >

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrible shock for you. I'm sure the counsellor will be able to advise how best to tell your DC but I expect it will be emphasising that Mum & Dad very much still love you (DC) but not each other anymore.

Kids at 10 and 12 are very practical . They will need reassured of how their lives WONT change .

It would be best if you could avoid telling them until you have worked out these basics

eg dad is moving out , he's got a flat near your school , you can go and stay with him EOW, it has two bedroom so you will need to share but you can take some of your clothes / toys and keep them there , dad will take you to hockey if you have a game that Saturday

They might ask why and if it were me, I woudl try to be honest but in an age appropriate way . " dad has a Gf and you are not allowed to have a GF when you are marrried so we are getting a divorce . He will always be your dad but he won't be my husband any more "

They might say they don't want to meet the GF, and your STBX must be prepared for that . Likewise, you need to be prepared that the children might want to meet her .

If he is moving in with GF straight away , he needs to work out a plan B for access if this happens . At 12 and 10 they can't be forced to visit this dad with OW if they don't want to .

Remember, your kids will have friends whose parenst are divorced and they will understand the whole " at dads this weekend " thing.

I'm so sorry ,I know you biggest concern is for the kids

StaceyAndTracey, thanks again for responding re the DCs. You and others are so right that the only (and I really do mean that) comfort I take in this is that at least I know. I saw the texts and emails with my own eyes and they were not ambiguous. I don't have to wonder why it ended now, and he can't spin it any other way. I really can't believe it, but I know I will. I haven't even cried, just have felt like I want to be sick all day and head is throbbing. He's coming home in a couple hours, says he will answer anything I ask. To be honest, at this point, I really don't need to hear much more except I would like to know when it started for the sake of feeling like I have complete information.

Both these women have been in my house, met my children. Nice. And over the entire course of our marriage there are only two women I've wondered if I should be threatened by, and guess what? I may have been pretty stupid, but gold star for intuition. Poor solace.

Has he agreed to move out? Does he realise that its over for good and not just a bit of a hissy fit on your part that he can calm down and then move back in?

Be prepared for the fact that he may not want to leave, his actions so far certainly seem to indicate that he wanted to stay in the marriage while having his affairs on the side.

Sorry you are going through this. At least you can stop wondering why now.

Questions to ask him.

Where does he want the divorce papers sent? Is this the only woman he has had sex with? Did he use a condom? Has he had an STI check up? Why should you believe him as he is a proven liar?

You now need to go and have your own I am afraid

To be honest though, nothing and silence is the best thing. He is not worth you wasting your vocal cords on. And well you can't believe him can you.

This is probably going to sound strange at least you know the OW was nothing special as he was busy messing around on her too. She was just a cheap tawdry shag.

So sorry. Another one following the script to the letter. How blooming typical and pathetic.

Oh god, magoria, hadn't even thought of that. Strange, but the only bit of contact I would like with the texting partner and the actual affair partner is to be able to tell them that not only were they not his only betrayal partner, but he was having sex with me 2-4 times a week. Busy boy.

Including twice this weekend. : (

Dontknow, so sorry to hear what's happened. At least you know the truth now plus you can't blame yourself as you tried everything to save the marriage. So cross for you, what a selfish git. I have strong suspicions that there was an affair (emotional, if not physical too) in the mix for my break up but exh never had the balls to admit it.

You will get through this. It will feel like your world is crashing down but it will eventually start to feel better. And you will feel such relief when he is living elsewhere, and you won't have to feel duty bound to try to keep him happy anymore.

The children will be upset but will draw their strength from you and your love for them. Echo what previous poster said about the practicalities, they will want to know what changes to expect.

Wishing you all the best, it's a roller coaster for the next bit but things do settle in time x

Be strong Dontknow.

It's very easy to fall into the "pick me" trap but believe me that isn't the way to go.

I have had a better life since my ex did the same so don't think it's end of your life.

I told my ex after he did this that I was only with him for the kids anyway and hadn't fancied him or loved him for years! (Wasn't true but he didn't know that and made me feel better and made him really question things and feel less good about himself so job done!)

Good luck with it all.