Yes, I'm another one: Husband doesn't love me anymore . . .

[dontknowwhatcomesnext]

I'll keep this short-ish, but really just looking for some support, as I feel all alone. More than a year ago (!) my husband of 13 years told me that he was thinking about leaving, hadn't been happy for a while, all the usual. It was an absolute shocker for me. I knew he was unhappy with his work (he works a high stress, very demanding job and had just taken on a new role), and of course things aren't perfect after 13 years of marriage, but I was absolutely shocked by it. We have two DCs, 12 and 10.

He has been in counselling (at my instigation) for a few months now, and although things are OK and we still have a physical relationship, it was clear that he was not really "in" to me, to say the least. He's better in himself (sleeping better, less anxious, etc.) but our relationship is not better. I finally started to get angry-it has been over a year, after all-and pushed him to talk this weekend. To summarise, and although it was said nicely and with guilt, he doesn't particularly enjoy my company, looked horrified at the thought of going away with just me, etc. He says he likes me as a person, but doesn't know how to get back to what he felt before. He acknowledges that once upon a time, he really loved me a lot, but feels we don't have much in common (he's got a point there), etc. I work part-time and am in good nick, if I do say so myself, though I'm almost 48, so it's all relative.

On the upside, he has agreed to go to counselling, starting in May, but he's not thrilled about it. I kind of dread it too, but at least there's a chance it might help. I said that I don't want to do counselling just to hear that he is leaving, and he said he wouldn't go to counselling if that was the case, he would just leave.

He says there is no OW, but it would of course explain things. There's nothing too fishy and I don't have access to his computer, etc, never have. I don't really have any reason to doubt him, but I'm not 100% sure.

I am really angry sometimes, and if we didn't have children, of course my reaction to all this would have been a lot less passive. We have the opposite situation from many troubled marriages: our DC have no idea and would genuinely be shocked to the core. I'm not sure they'd ever trust anything ever again. We are a nearly perfect family from the outside (hahahaha).

I'm really not sure I could feel any more down, though oddly I'm not really crying much. I'm almost more low than crying, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for listening

Oh bollocks. So sorry dontknow what an absolute bastard.

Dontknow - your situation is almost identical to mine - my ex husband left two years ago and we divorced last year after a 20 year relationship and children of 12 and 9.
I have two tips

• if you haven't already photocopy every important document from bank statements to pensions - everything you can find.
• i found adrenaline and stress got me thru' the first 8 months and i was just fire-fighting - but thought i was ok. Then when things calmed down a bit I had a massive delayed reaction and counselling was the only way I could cope. Keep in there - thinking of you. it is really, really tough but you will come through it.

Stay strong OP. You are far stronger than him - weak, gutless loser that he is.
Also try not to do anything rash that you might regret later.
My advice? Channel your inner ice-queen and freeze him out. The comforts of home are no longer available to him and the cold reality of that is about to hit him. Hard.

You meanwhile are a strong woman and you will be just fine, really you will. You just need to get through this sludge.

Thanks, everyone, for the additional thoughts. I'm sorry so many of you have also been through this.

He came by last night to pick up some things. I literally cannot look him in the face. He gave me timings and answered questions. The number and depth of his lies is breathtaking. Even he acknowledges he has not a leg to stand on. I am calling an acquaintance who is a family law solicitor today to get a referral.

Good, that's one awful thing ticked off the list

Now you need to get down to sorting out the practicalities . Get your paperwork I'm order for the lawyer . as you do all the finances I guess you know what you need - any documents about assets owned by either of you . House, bank accounts, pensions, both your incomes from salary, shareholdings .

Remember you wrote this

" I have to say he would be the world's best liar and cheat if it's true, but that is possible (he's a very smart man)"

He's a liar and a cheat , he has spent at least a year treating you and your children like shit because he felt entitled to do so . You also said he's smart . He is NOT going to play fair over the financial settlement , so please focus your anger and hurt into getting as much evidence as you can of any financial things .

I'm sure he is hanging his head now and saying " I'm sorry , yes of course it's my fault " , but he's been putting on a very good act for the last year and you believed him . So please don't believe a word that comes out his mouth , as you said yourself, he's the worlds best liar.

I'm guessing that he has another bank account , as you didn't spot anything off in your joint account . What else has he been up to ?

You said befroe that your RL freinds knew of your marriage problems - have you told them that he's left ? If not please call them, you KNOW they will rally round .

Are your family supportive ?

I am so angry on your behalf. The layers and layers of lies are breathtaking, and all the while he is watching you getting more and more miserable, and you not knowing quite why - whilst he has known exactly why. I can't think of anything more cruel.

The main thing to hang on to is that you do not and did not deserve to be treated this way. No-one does. You are in shock and grief, but you will find your anger.

Stacey is absolutely right about him being a shit when it comes to finances and divorce. He has shown no moral fibre at all this past year. He has proved he can treat you appallingly. He has checked out of your marriage. He has given himself permission to behave like this...he is therefore also likely to give himself permission to be dishonest and underhand about everything else. He will play dirty. He is also way ahead of you and may already have laid the groundwork for hiding money, accounts etc. Do not put anything past him. He has shown you what he is capable of. Get your shit hot lawyer and let them go in to bat for you. He is breathtaking, but you are strong. And when you regain your strength and your outrage on behalf of your children, even if you can't find it for yourself just yet - he will know it.

You are stronger than him. He is a weak, gutless excuse for a man who can shit on his children and the woman who loves him. It is jaw-dropping.

I'm so sorry to read your update. I read the thread but didn't feel I could add anything further at the time.

My EXH did exactly this 3 years ago. The previous posters are right in that he did not play fair at all regarding finances and the best advice I can give to you is to hire the best solicitor you can and to file early and for full disclosure, making sure you investigate any accounts you can access.

The hope I can offer is that my kids (a bit younger than yours) have handled it far better than I expected and are settled and doing well at school etc (despite my ex moving straight in with much younger OW and introducing her a month later as he saw no point in waiting). And once I realised what a completely entitled bastard he really is, that he will always put himself ahead of everyone including our boys, I felt nothing but contempt and relief that I was seeing him as he actually is rather than the version he had chosen (and still chooses) to show to others.

Mine still maintains that everything is someone else's fault (usually mine). The version of events of our break up has turned into it being my fault for not paying him enough attention so be warned this may also be the line he takes.

I am far happier now the stress of pointlessly trying harder and harder to make him happy is gone. I know you will be too. You deserve far better than this excuse of a man.

Dontknow I am so sorry to read your update. Your initial post was so similar to what happened to me and I thought he was a lying cheating scumbag but knew you would need to find that out for yourself. I saw a counsellor during those days when I thought he was depressed and I was desperately trying to fix our marriage without knowing what was wrong and she told me he was probably having an affair and I couldn't believe she had suggested it. But of course he was.

Anyway. I am truly sorry. It is such a horrible thing to go through. I am almost a year down the line and I hope you will feel the same relief I do that I am no longer with him. He sounds eerily similar to my STBXH and if he is, I'm afraid PP are right that he will not make divorce easy for you. You need to be clued up as soon as possible and don't show him any grace - he has certainly shown you none. Communication needs to be formal and to the point and you need to be in control. Set up maintenance and a contact arrangement, state that you do not expect them to be introduced to the OW until they have had time to get used to the idea (mine tried to introduce them after 3 weeks).

You can do this. Get all the support you possibly can around you - you will find that people will rally round and please accept every ounce of help you can.

You did everything possible to save your marriage and he threw it away. He is not worthy of you. He will live to regret this but you may find it is the making of you.

I wish I had the support of MN when I was going through my breakup so please post as much as you like and get it all out there.

Thank you so much, everyone. WordsFailMe and familyofthree, I can see you understand and your words of encouragement about the future are helpful. I'm so sorry you've been through the same thing (REALLY same thing familyofthree).

As you would all guess, I'm having a really horrible time of it. I can't actually get my head around the fact that he had one affair (mostly texts, some physical contact) for 3 or 4 YEARS and that the more recent one (on and off for a year) involved emails with "I love you"s. He had her here in our home and took her to a place we have in another country, the place with some of our best memories as a couple (we got engaged there) and as a family. It is truly inconceivable.

His parents are horrified. His dad thinks he's gone insane, and his mother is crying all the time. They've been sweet, but I know that I can't go too far with them into this process. He is still their son, and although it's tempting to turn them as far as possible against him, I wouldn't do that for their sakes. His sister, who was left by her husband when she was 7 months pregnant with her second child, simply can't believe it.

I feel constantly ill, gagging sometimes, and I think my heart rate is about 30 points higher than average (I'm a runner and actually know what my usual heart rate is). I've never had this kind of physical emotional reaction, and I have lost close family members, including one to suicide, so this isn't the first crisis in my life. Is this normal?

We have the counselling session Friday to discuss how to deal with the children and letting them know. I've asked the therapist about individual counselling too. I am really barely at a functional state.

Like another poster said, my 'breakdown' when this happened to me was very delayed. I calmly got on with everything, life, children, divorce.
It's hitting me now, almost 2 years later. I'm in counselling but life is good. Better because the third child has gone from my life (stbxh).

You are in total shock and what you are feeling is normal. You must do whatever you can to survive this time because it is beyond anything I had ever experienced either. Try and drink fizzy drinks if nothing else and eat whatever you can. I know it is of little comfort but you will feel better, you will get through this. You will function because you need to for your children and also because you will not let him ruin your life as well as his own.

It is different to a bereavement though sometimes feels similar. The man you loved has actively deceived you for years - gone out of his way to lie, cheat and betray you. It is unfathomable but you do not know this man. Not one bit. He is not who you thought he was and you will see him for what he really is now. Remember that saying - when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

My in laws have stood by me and their support has been invaluable. I don't think I could have done it without them. They too think he has gone insane. They tried to keep a relationship with him but he could not accept that they still wanted to support me so they barely speak. It is important you keep them close by, let the children still see them. Again you will see what kind of person he is when you see how he deals with his parent's disgust.

I give out this advice and I must remember to follow it myself! I still have bad days (like today) but I am much more at peace without someone so toxic in my life.

Right. What is the plan for today?

Let his parents and their trauma be. They should be supporting you not crying all day themselves.

You need to deal with yourself and you DC first and foremost.

Yes it's a normal reaction , you just have to get through each day and the shock will get less in time

In a way it's a bigger shock that someone dying suddenly . If you had a happy marriage and your husband has been killed in a car accident , you woudl still have the shock . But you wouldn't be in such a bad place emotionally , worn down from the last year of his emotional abuse.

And you woudl be comforted by the happy memories of your marriage. Whereas now you are left wondering if any of it was ever real ? Did he ever mean anything he said to you ? Was everhthing a sham ? Were there other women befroe this ? So many questions .....

I see you are a runner - me too . You need to treat this like a marathon

No extra weight - you can't deal with anyone's feelings right now except your own and your kids

Keep up your fluids and nutrition , avoid alcohol

Focus on the essentials

Foam roller for muscle tension

Accept that parts of the journey might be hard but the goal will be worth it

You might find it helps to go for a run , if you can . Doing something so calming and familiar might help you order your thoughts and use up all the adrenalin . And it will make you feel stronger , physically and mental

You poor poor woman OP. I could weep for you. It is the toughest thing to get through

Are you able to get out running at all? I found that helped

So so sorry. The pain is awful.

And yes normal to have the reaction -it is fight or flight reaction. My adrenaline pumped for the first 9 months. Could hardly sleep. Really hard.

But it will get better. Get all the support you can. Tie down your finances - transfer money to a single account not in his name if you need to. Yes get the lawyer referral. And yes get copies of all documents you can. Yes get the STI check (most clinics are very kind and lovely)

Right not to expect support from his family. They may decide to support their own. They may not. Time will tell. If things are hard take it a minute at a time. An hour at a time.

Try and cook for the kids and eat with them - will keep you going

Be honest with friends.

Stay on here :)

How are you OP?

Hi familyoftthree. Thanks for checking in. I hope you're feeling better today. I took yesterday off because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. My sister-in-law (the one whose husband left her for an 18(!) year old when she was 7 months pregnant with their second child) and I spoke for the first time yesterday morning, and it was hard. She is someone who REALLY understands, but she is his family, and I don't want to cause a permanent breach between the two of them (their relationship has always been up and down). She also thinks he's in the process of some sort of breakdown. I'm also trying to work in the middle of all this. I work mostly from home, which has been a blessing (not looking too good these days!), and have been trying to keep to doing the minimum to tick things over, but there are some things that have to be done including a tortuous long conference call that I spent staring out into space and occasionally trying to pretend I was participating. One of my DDs has been on a school trip this week, but she is back today, and I face a whole weekend alone with them and the dogs and trying to keep it together.

Today we are off to the couples, now family, counsellor, to take about how to tell the children. Have a migraine starting up the back of my neck. I'm hoping it holds off long enough.

Thanks so much to all the others for the wonderful responses on Tuesday. StaceyAndTracey I've run 3 marathons, so I get everything you've said. So well put. I'm going to try to go for an actual run tomorrow, as I usually take the dog and then pick up my younger DD for the last 2 miles, so I think I kind of have to. I've honestly felt like I would have a heart attack if I went this week, as my heart is beating so quickly.

BitOutOfPractice and Mumfun thanks so much for the sweet thoughts. They made me cry (which is admittedly easier this week).

Hello dont

Personally i think "some sort of breakdown" is just a way of his sister trying to rationalise his behaviour. He's not having a breakdown. He's just a cheating twat. And even if he is, so what? His mental health is not your concern or responsibility. God these men make me fucking fume. Walking talking fucking cliches the lot of 'em. Gah!

Anyway...well done on keeping going. You are doing brilliantly keeping going for work and the kids.

Here's some short term things to think of. In fact, I've made a list:

1. Take something for your migraine
2. Book a free half hour with a solicitor for next week
3. Browse the internet for lovely shoes
4. Phone a friend / relative and arrange a few smallscale things this weekend to help you through and keep the kids amused. I suggest coffee and cake in town. And a pizza and wine night on the sofa with a friend on Saturday night
5. Enter a marathon for September so you have a longer term goal

God I'm bossy aren't I?

The main priority is to be kind to yourself. Try and eat something, anything and just keep on thinking and knowing that this pain will one day lessen and pass.

We are all here, right behind you, cheering you on and mentally kicking his stupid smug head in

How did it go with the " family counsellor " ? You are doing so well to be able to sit in a room calmly and talk with your husband , I'm sure I would want to hit him . I fact I want to hit him just having read your thread , so I can't imagine how you must feel having lived it . You must have a lot of self discipline .

Hope you do manage to get out for a run , I think it might help with the excess of adrenalin . If you are used to running distances and know your own training pace, your body shoudl get into your normal rhythm aftre a few miles . And it will help you be stong mentally - your husband should know better than to f##k with a woman who runs 26.2 miles for fun

I'm really sorry this has happened.

People don't tend to have four year breakdowns where they function normally everyday at work, but the only symptom is their penis falling into other women's vaginas.

That's just ridiculous. Did SIL think her Xp had a breakdown too? Or did she feel less like she could excuse him?

Thanks so much everyone. Aussiemum, your comment actually made me laugh, and that's saying something these days. StacyAndTracey, I did get out for a run yesterday. I was definitely more slow than usual, but it was OK. I'm glad I did it. BitOut and badbalding, big thanks to you too. I am reading and taking in.

I would describe the appointment with the therapist as bearable. I thought the therapist did a good job of trying to move us somewhere in a very tricky situation. I also appreciated that he was protective of me in a couple places when STBXH (first time I used that) wanted to delve into relationship background stuff as opposed to dealing with the task at hand. Basically, he hasn’t realised that it is no longer my job to make him feel better all the time (and in this situation! Can you imagine?!?!). The therapist just said it’s likely far too close in time for me and kept on at that. STBXH still asked me to get a coffee to discuss some logistics, which I did (walked in XXXXX Park a bit), but again he really just wanted to talk about how he felt separate from the three of us and detached. I pointed out that that would have been an excellent thing to discuss in counselling after he had told me he was unhappy (in fact, ironically, we had discussed just this point, and how we both let that happen, the night before it all came out), but unfortunately, he already had one thing going when he told me he was unhappy last January, and three weeks later started up the second affair! He also told me that he trusts me more than anyone in the world. I told him that was a shame, because that sounds like a pretty good basis for a long term marriage. I was teary by the end and had to go anyway to get back in time to pick up younger DD. He tried to squeeze my arm, and it took everything not to hit him.

On the (very slightly) upside, we agreed to go again next week, but we have started to devise a narrative for the girls and decided to tell them after eldest DD's (Year 7) exams the first week in June. The therapist also gave us a list of co-parenting-type issues that we could begin to think about. It’s very, very complicated and awful.

This weekend, I am just trying to stay focussed on the girls, but I have random breakdowns. Actually didn’t cry in bed this morning for the first time, but came downstairs where DD1 was watching Britain’s Got Talent, watched a not very good boy band and then totally broke down in the bathroom. Weird. I really don’t like pop music or boybands. At least when I have my glasses on, it is hard to see that I’ve been crying. I’m pretty sure DD1 didn’t pick up on anything.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a solicitor.

This absolutely blows. Thanks again for your support. This site is awesome.

God he's an arrogant entitled twunt isn't he? Still all about him him him and still trying to justify his despicable actions and betrayal.

Focus on what you said here:

it is no longer my job to make him feel better

You ony have to consider yourself and the DDs now. His welfare is no longer your concern.

Don't worry about lttle breakdowns - it's such early days and you are bound to be very up and down.

Be kind to yourself and keep on keeping on

Catching up to see that all this time you've been trying to be understanding and patient he has been deceiving you. I am so sorry.

I hope you can get rl support on board and if his arrogance so far is anything to go by we can safely assume that he will under-estimate you.

It doesn't surprise me if your body is reacting to all this. Keeping your emotions in check around the DCs is an extra strain. I think given the pounding you have had a bit of cosseting wouldn't come amiss. Maybe book yourself in for some therapy, massage perhaps? Without going into details you can just say you have had a tough time and any tearful response will be a healthy release.

I don't doubt that his family are shocked. They may be making the right noises on the whole at present but remember they are his family. I am sure that the remarks about him having a breakdown stem from disbelief their brother or son could be in his right mind to do such a thing.

I think you've handled this with incredible dignity. I'm certain I could not have sat in the same room as him listening to his drivel. I'm glad the counsellor shut down the talk about past relationship issues.