Yes, I'm another one: Husband doesn't love me anymore . . .

[dontknowwhatcomesnext]

I'll keep this short-ish, but really just looking for some support, as I feel all alone. More than a year ago (!) my husband of 13 years told me that he was thinking about leaving, hadn't been happy for a while, all the usual. It was an absolute shocker for me. I knew he was unhappy with his work (he works a high stress, very demanding job and had just taken on a new role), and of course things aren't perfect after 13 years of marriage, but I was absolutely shocked by it. We have two DCs, 12 and 10.

He has been in counselling (at my instigation) for a few months now, and although things are OK and we still have a physical relationship, it was clear that he was not really "in" to me, to say the least. He's better in himself (sleeping better, less anxious, etc.) but our relationship is not better. I finally started to get angry-it has been over a year, after all-and pushed him to talk this weekend. To summarise, and although it was said nicely and with guilt, he doesn't particularly enjoy my company, looked horrified at the thought of going away with just me, etc. He says he likes me as a person, but doesn't know how to get back to what he felt before. He acknowledges that once upon a time, he really loved me a lot, but feels we don't have much in common (he's got a point there), etc. I work part-time and am in good nick, if I do say so myself, though I'm almost 48, so it's all relative.

On the upside, he has agreed to go to counselling, starting in May, but he's not thrilled about it. I kind of dread it too, but at least there's a chance it might help. I said that I don't want to do counselling just to hear that he is leaving, and he said he wouldn't go to counselling if that was the case, he would just leave.

He says there is no OW, but it would of course explain things. There's nothing too fishy and I don't have access to his computer, etc, never have. I don't really have any reason to doubt him, but I'm not 100% sure.

I am really angry sometimes, and if we didn't have children, of course my reaction to all this would have been a lot less passive. We have the opposite situation from many troubled marriages: our DC have no idea and would genuinely be shocked to the core. I'm not sure they'd ever trust anything ever again. We are a nearly perfect family from the outside (hahahaha).

I'm really not sure I could feel any more down, though oddly I'm not really crying much. I'm almost more low than crying, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for listening

You seem to be doing all the hard work here. I think you have put up with enough, he's quite comfy thanks very much - all the domestic stuff taken care of plus a physical relationship in spite of telling you he doesn't feel the same way about you, that's cold. He must reckon he's God's gift to you.

You don't have to be 'Debbie Downer' instead of poor unappreciated Polly Positive just start looking at your needs and future hopes.

Sorry for all the pain you are going through. Be aware that some men use this as a ticking box exercise to show they tried -so reducing criticism further down the line and removing any guilt at behaviour undermining the marriage.

I suppose you might get some insight into his thoughts in couples' counselling, but you may just get a litany of why life with you and the family is so terrible.

It sounds to me like he's a generally negative, slightly unhappy person and he's decided that you and the kids are the cause of all his ills. When someone does that there's nothing you can do.

If you split I reckon he will eventually find someone else with whom he creates exactly the same relationship, at which point he may finally twig that it was him not you.

Or as John Mortimer put it:

'People will go to endless trouble to divorce one person and then marry someone who is exactly the same, except probably a bit poorer and a bit nastier. I don't think anybody learns anything'.

Your kids are 10 and 13. Can you ship them off somewhere (Aunt's, grandparents') and go on a two week holiday with him somewhere nice. Rekindle the flame (or find out that you just don't fit anymore).

If he can't / won't make time for that, and you can't/won't make time for that, then there's no hope really.

Just be cautious that there is an implicit bias on this message board for "leave the bastard" as that's what most women who post on here have done.

Try love-bombing each other first. Then see what happens.

I'd quit while you are still young (I'm your age so that's why I say that )
I had a horrible break up with my xh after 18 yrs and 4 kids.
I was about 37 and it was hideous but the relief after at not having to try and be good enough or work hard to keep him happy was immense.
I felt it was easier to break up and suffer a bit than it was to stay together and suffer forever.

Just be cautious that there is an implicit bias on this message board for "leave the bastard" as that's what most women who post on here have done.

Try love-bombing each other first. Then see what happens.

I'm sorry I had to comment on this bollocks. I've been married for 15 years, and I would say the majority of women giving advice here are married.

I would always err on the side of trying to fix a marriage if at all humanly possible. But from the information here I just don't think it's feasible in this instance.

Advising the OP to lovebomb a man who has turned against her - is unintelligent and potentially cruel.

Oh op you sound so ground down by this. I think this making you wait around until he deigns to give you his pronouncements from on high is cruel and so arrogant. It's made me so cross to hear he's been putting you through this shit for over a year!

I'm afraid I would be taking the decision out of his hands and telling him to leave. You cannot continue to live this half life in some kind of limbo.

Go for lunch with him, tell him you're not prepared to wait any longer and will pack his stuff up while he's away.

Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he won't. But at least you won't be living under this black cloud of uncertainty

Good luck op. You sound lovely and I know it's a mm cliche but you do deserve better than the mental cruelty that this man is putting you through

dontknowwhatcomesnext

I know how you are feeling as I have been in a very similar situation - we feel that we should try our very best to keep the status quo - for the children and yes for ourself because any other option seems just too scary! All the talk of OW - it is actually easier to battle ( in some ways ) an OW but when it is someone's "mindset" then that is impossible...it really is out of your hands. You are taking what you see as sensible options - counselling etc etc and IF it all goes tits up well at least you can say that you TRIED. You have many years in this marriage and so your efforts are natural. I recognise what you say about "watching him" all the time to see how he is reacting and all of this is VERY draining. You do end up putting your wants and feelings underneath his. I also think that men in this kind of situation want someone else i.e YOU to do the deed for them - to say "OK that's enough" or whatever - they often don't have the guts or ability to be honest - although it seems that he has been quite honest with you in discussing his feelings - that is something in his and your favour. He has alerted you to this, you have had the chance to discuss and do something about it but he has to be honest and willing in all of this. You will feel LOW about this as you are trying your best and it can feel very one sided . It sucks the life out of you. The one consolation is that if things do end then while you will feel AWFUL you will know you tried your best and you may well find that it is underneath a relief - this will not be in the near future but it will start to become clear. You will realise just how much EFFORT you were putting in after the event . Best of luck to you x

I agree, and the fear of later regret that you didn't do everything you could to save the marriage should be weighed up with the potential regret that you spent far long trying to fix the unfixable. People generally factor in the former without reckoning on the latter.

It's often the case that getting tough and throwing someone out is precisely what saved the relationship, counter-intuitive as it may seem. It doesn't signify giving up.

My post was a reply to abitoutofpractice

If I had to love bomb someone just to be treated well then Id rather be in my own.

My husband left me just over a week ago, am totally devastated, and finding it hard to cope, 22 years just wiped out, he told me 9 months ago he didn't feel the same and has led me to believe things were going to be ok and we could work it all out etc etc, things were lovely again, till about 6 weeks ago when he just totally detached himself from me, the fear and pain were something I have never felt before, he finally admitted to me last week he no longer loves me and was leaving me and our 3 children, I've fallen apart and am exhausted, I never believed he would leave me, I now have to rebuild from the merry dance he's led me as well as face a future without him, please don't let this happen to you, it's just so much more painful

Thanks again for all the thoughts. It's been really helpful for me to check in here - I am almost absurdly grateful when I see new responses!

Mumfun you have hit on probably my main concern about the counselling. I guess I can only just be aware of it and keep an eye out. It is TOTALLY a possibility. Weirdly, though, he has been pretty onboard re the making the appointment. I wouldn't say he's excited (either am I!), but it's not a grudging response either.

Twinklestein, you hit the nail on the head: "It sounds to me like he's a generally negative, slightly unhappy person and he's decided that you and the kids are the cause of all his ills." Yup.

Kiwiinkitts, I wish he would go away with me. I have asked him that, his parents are always happy to help and, yes, the children are plenty old. He looks fairly horrified at the thought. Bad. I know.

BitOut and TheOldWise, thank you for the sweet thoughts. TheOldWise, you really seem to understand where I'm coming from.

Frizzybear, poor you. I'm so sorry about what you're going through. It is, of course, my worst fear. Please take care of yourself and your children. Big hugs.

I agree with Twinklestein - I am full of regret that I wasted years of my life when nothing I could have done would have changed Hs view of me. I'm angry with him for lying to me and stringing me along, but I do feel angry with myself for not seizing control.

He's still telling people that I ended it, and I'm agreeing with him - it's very empowering to take control in that way.

and just saw Mumfun's post - this is what my H is doing. He tried, so its not his fault. I'm the bad guy for ending it. (It doesn't really matter tbh, but to start with I was desperate for him to accept his part in it).

If he is horrified at the thought of spending a holiday alone with you , I don't see how you are going to spend the rest of your lives together :-(

I know someone who spent 7 yes SEVEN YEARS waiting for his wife to decide what she wanted to do , because she didn't love him . She didn't know why either .

First he decided she must be depressed . So he stayed in the evenings so she could go out with her friends to cheer herself up

She went for psychotherapy, every week for 2 years .

The husband quit his job ( working in the family business ) so he could be self employed , work from home and take more of his share of the childcare ( children were 3 and 5,) . The family business was in crisis and his family were furious with him .

Then she was unhappy because he didn't earn as much as before and she wanted to send the children to private schools ( although they lived near an excellent primary school ) . He took his capital out of the family business so that they could afford to send the oldest privately .

His family were even more angry with him .

Then his wife told him it was his weight - he'd put on a bit ( comfort eating ) . That was why she has stopped having sex with him several years ago. So he tried to lose it but didn't . Sitting at home alone every evening watching tv didn't help .

Then his wife said she wanted to go back to university to find herself . she already had a post grad degree and a professional qualification , this was a leisure type degree . So they scraped together the money to pay for her to go full time . On top of the school fees . Of course she was busy studying at uni in the evenings and at weekends, while he looked after the kids .

Next she told him she didn't love him because he represented the White male patriarchy . So there wasn't a lot he could do about that .

Hands up who wants to guess what happened in the end ? Extra points if you guess what was going on during the seven year wait .

If I had to love bomb someone just to be treated well then Id rather be in my own

Why? We love bomb our kids. It works. Makes them feel special tricks them into behaving better Our DH's aren't kids but ultimately we're all children inside, needing love and affirmation. Love is a gift. My advice was to try it, and see what happens. Not continue doing it forever, thereby sacrificing all for fragile male ego.

Well no 1 my dh is not a child so the comparison ends there.
If he needed such a high level of attention to be kind and loving to me then Id know the relationship was beyond repair.
No 2 i do not love bomb my kids so they behave, I expect them to do that regardless and love them regardless.

Love bombing on top of what dontknow has been doing for the past 12+ months? I think that is a big ask when so far her efforts have been largely unreciprocated. Maybe her H's unhappiness has nothing to do with OP and all to do with him. It will be interesting to see what the counselling brings out.

I agree with Donkeys "H's unhappiness has nothing to do with OP and all to do with him". OP could try lovebombing but it can be pretty soul destroying if the recipient has made up their mind or has depression. Could your H have depression? Perhaps dysthymia (low level ongoing, joylessness about life)? That's the best spin I can put on it.

Don't let the couples therapist put the blame on you or the shared blame angle. You have done nothing wrong AFAICS. You are a loving wife and supportive partner.

I found Lundy Bancroft's book "Should I stay or should I go?" really useful in helping me gain insight to my P's thought patterns and to refine and articulate my feelings.

Stacey thats awful, please don't tell me she was having an affair throughout that?

No , she was having a string of affairs . With other women.

She told her husband that it was ok as it didn't count as adultery. And if he was angry , it's because he was homophobic .

Her husband was in a such a state, he was so convinced it was his fault in some way , that he was such a failure , he had made her a lesbian . I know it sounds crazy , he wasn't angry with her, he was devastated . He nearly had a breakdown and didn't tell his friends as he felt so guilty and ashamed.

He loved her so much , he didn't want to " break up the marriage " . It took counselling to help him see that it wasn't his fault and there was no marriage to break up. It was just a house sharing arragement . That it's hard enough to change your own feelings and impossible to change anyone else's .

In the end ,she left him and the children . And yes I do mean she left the children , he had them both full time and she lived with OW, who didn't want them. I don't know if that's why his wife waited to long to leave .

I know the details are very different from Don't Knows story . But I recognise the same sense of powerless , of trying to be a better spouse but not actually knowing how you've failed . And the sense that somone doesn't want to be with you , but you don't know how to fix it . Of desperately wanting to make everything ok, epsicslly for the kids . Of feeling ashamed , of being such a failure . Of trying to be understanding when deep down you are so hurt and angry.

I saw it in our friend then and I hear it in the Ops words now .

Thanks again for all the additional messages. I really do appreciate the support.

StaceyandTracey, your poor friend. How awful. I do see what you are picking up in my story and how it is similar. Powerless - yep. And especially of trying to be understanding but being so hurt and angry.

mistymeanour, from the beginning of all of this, I thought he had textbook depression (I've seen it in other family members, so not totally unfamiliar) and was under huge work stress. However, as he reports to me, he is not being treated for depression (Is he telling full truth? Is his therapist incompetent? Doesn't seem so from other things he's said). He was very clear in our last talk that he thought it was his unhappiness in our relationship that is causing any depression. What can I possibly say to that?!?