Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

That's what I did daisee, I kept meticulous notes because without them he probably would have been able to convince me it was all in my head and I was mad (he did threaten to get me sectioned after all...). My diary of what happened gave me fuel if I ever doubted what I was doing. Keep going.

Thanks ponygirl, I will do. I'm being pleasant but disengaged.

marking my spot. Think I'll be back.

Is it normal to have to chase up solicitors for each and every step?

Pretty much in my case. Everything seemed to take forever... But then, to be fair, I wasn't in a hurry and delaying the process was XH's way to maintain some control!

I haven't used solicitors in this area, but I certainly had to with house conveyancing!

Found this article about gaslighting that was eye opening for me:

everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/things-wish-known-gaslighting/

Hey despicableshe, just read the article. I am glad I did, I have never read about the memory loss before. This fits perfectly with me, so thanks! I am now in the situation where last weekend he had one of his little "dos" but instead of trying to resolve I've just left it. This week he has looked sad, then helpful, unfortunately we are moving on to annoyed I think. I don't see why I should engage with someone who says I should "confess what I feel guilty about!" still not worked out what that is. Disengage!

Hi all, don't know why I'm typing just need a bit of a vent I think. Since last weekends outburst from p I have disengaged to see if he would apologise. Unsurprisingly not so far. He is out today and I just feel frozen. Kids are fine but I think him ignoring me is affecting me the most iyswim. My natural reaction is to resolve the conflict, soothing, creeping, whatever you call it and I'm finding it hard to resist. I have listened to the record I took of him having a go at me and yes, still an ea twat. I knew that it would be hard to hang on while I'm trying to plan a route out (current savings nil) but God I feel miserable today. My mum died October last year and I'm really missing her no nonsense attitude . Hope you're all ok xx

Sorry about your mum, daisee. I should think it's especially hard thinking of the support she would be giving you. It always seems so unfair, that the person who should be your partner through all trials is actually himself the main trial...

Wishing you strength. It is him; it is not you; there are many nice people in the world and one day you will be surrounded by such people and the fuckwit(s) will be a distant memory.

Thanks Charlotte, that helps. I am jittery tbh as it is the last match for his team today and I have no idea what mood /how drunk he will get/ when he will return.

How was he?

The not knowing is horrible. And it very effectively keeps you focussed entirely on him...

Escaping from that dynamic, in contrast, is wonderful.

Have some in the mean time!

He was bizarre. Very quiet, no aggro just a bit of under breath muttering. I thought I had got away with it but unfortunately he's got the last match today. So got the wait again. You're right, because he's being quiet, polite, reasonable, acting wounded etc that I am not all over him I'm finding this so difficult. Love cake though!

Sending you some daisee, so sorry about your mum. If it might help, try and think what she would tell you to do. Think about her giving your H a talking to when he's doing his grumpy/sad/annoyed thing and have a smile to yourself about it.

I totally understand that desire to smooth things over, to make things right again. Disengage as much as you can for now. It's all baby steps. It's really, really hard to do at the start, but you'll get better with practice.

Thanks ponygirl xx

Hope everyone is doing ok at the moment, thinking of you all.

Yup, thinking of everyone too. And for what it's worth, every single day since I finally got him to leave two weeks ago have brought a sense of relief, liberation and extraordinary delight in life. I find myself singing, humming and even walking differently, and the old me that has been hiding for the last five plus years is coming back, with boots on.

Don't despair. This site has been crucial to giving me the support and confidence I needed. Thinking of all of you who are somewhere on the road out of the darkness.

Hi all, hope you don't mind me intruding.
I am in the process of separating after a very long time married but he is suddenly charming, promising the world, understanding and because we had lots of good times I'm now doubting whether I'm doing the right thing. The main thing at the minute that helps me to stick to my guns is that I asked him to give me space and despite moving out he is here more than ever or having 2 hour long emotional phonecalls about how I'm breaking his heart and ruining the kids future. I was so sure that I wanted to leave but now the future looks a bit rubbish and friends are telling me how wonderful he is and how devastated. I'm sorry this is such a self centred post, I have read the thread and good luck to others in similar positions, I'm going to read the link about gaslighting as one of my main problems is that I can't recall specific incidents even though at the time they infuriated me or upset me, so I doubt myself as to how bad they were/ did I misinterpret them? Thanks for reading x

That's a great, inspirational post melb. Long may it continue for you. And a huge well done for getting out (or getting him out I should say).

Not intruding at all ignoring, the thread is here for everyone. Your situation sounds very difficult, it's hard to do this without proper support. My advice is to start writing things down that you do remember, a kind of retrospective diary, and add to it as you remember more. (I suspect once you start there could be a bit of a flood of memories, that often happens.) You are right that you need to establish boundaries with him (only contacting you about he kids eg, and only by text) and he will tell you whether he's changed through whether he respects these boundaries. (Although the fact that he is blaming you for ruining the kids' future - which of course you have not, if anything you are saving them - rather than take responsibility for how his actions have lead to this situation, that speaks volumes about his lack of intrinsic change.)
Tell your friends you don't want pressure from them about what to do, it's your decision - and if they can't respect that, they aren't good friends.

Keep posting lovely.

Thanks ponygirl, nice to hear some kind words, had a day of being told how despicable and selfish I was yesterday and via text msg through the night so your post came at the right moment, thank you.
What it has meant though is that my resolve has been strengthened and I know I have made the right decision. Have decided not to speak to him unless its about contact (via text) and not give him the chance to upset me.
cant quite believe I thought the marriage was good for so long, looking back it was so controlling and only worked because I am very laid back and was happy that he was happy so never did anything to rock the boat. Its crazy that in work I was the one people looked up to to keep control and be strong and capable but in the home I allowed someone to gradually make all the decisions from financial to my wardrobe!
I actually feel quite positive today and am looking forward to a future that I can shape and enjoy. Lots of travelling planned (he hated travelling) a new career, (he always told me work were taking advantage of me and i should leave.....i did, and regret it) focusing on the kids (he was jealous of them having my attention for too long) and probably doing the freedom programme soon. He is such a t??t and I am so much better without him. Its quite cathartic being able to talk about it as no one in real life knows the half of it

He's texting you and telling you how despicable and selfish you are... ... although if it's him revealing himself to you again and giving you resolve, look on it as a thankful thing. (Kind of like the Christina Aguilera song - thank you for making me stronger again.) Time to get a new phone perhaps, and leave your old one for just him to contact you on about the kids?

Everything you say about what life was like with him rings so familiar, and I'm sure will to many others too. But I love how positive you are sounding. Great idea to do the Freedom programme - have you been in touch with WA at all? They can be a great support, even now you are out they could refer you for counselling if you feel you want/need it.

Maybe it's time people in RL knew more about it, these friends who are urging you to go back to him. Stay strong.

Hello lovelies all. seems to have gone a bit quiet on here and hoping that means things are going ok for everyone. Its been a while since i've been here but i'm wondering whether this is theplace to pose a question.

I know some of you will know a bit of my historical and current situ, and it because of current situation i ask this as things, more things I mean are coming to light and i wonder if anyone here has experience of taking their ex to court over historical abuses - i mean specifically assaulting their DCwhen younger (before break up).

I know that the things i said to SSand Cafcass were not really taken seriously previously and that DC were terrified of speaking to these strangers to tell them things about their DM and FWF, definitely not said how scared or angry about it, and hadn't told me things that now (in an environment where other's DC are speaking openly) stuff is coming out and horrified all over again vv .

So i'm up late with it all going round, feeling sick about it, and maybe knee jerk reaction is to charge the bastard consider telling someone/who would be interested/anyone? Would anyone care now or be interested to know or even bother to do anything if they did.

Or on balance better the DC don't have to face any more upheaval and trauma (which is where i'm at, whilst fuming/broken inside).

or the more likely scenario - it'll all just be viewed as embittered ex wanting revenge on poor old dad

Hey fairy - sorry to hear things are still coming to light. There's not much let up for you, can understand why your head is churning.

In terms of reporting it - I have no idea. Is there a time limit? My only thought right now is sit with it, you don't need to take action urgently, you can brew on it and try to ask a few questions. What would the purpose of reporting it be? And what do the kids think, would they want to talk about it to the police?

It might help you to talk it through with someone in RL as well as on here.

Sending you

thanks Pony for your quick reply and

I don't know, about reason for reporting it, i guess the same as anyone reporting anything because its so wrong and for the protection of other DC. The bigger concern is the DC, but then out there they are not considered when it comes to the likes of CAFCASS or SS, they don't take this approach they have to go through all the interviews whether the dC want to or not and they really didn't, so should i take that lead and do it anyway for the greater good, or carry on protecting him and show the DC we protecthim and keep these things quiet. Yes, need to brew on it, such a big decision and i don't want to do a knee jerk reacton based on shock/upset in the moment.. We are all so angry at him but thee only one who doesn't bear the brunt of this anger is guess who.. yep.. him! fo course.. Noone can stop the DC tiptoeing around his anger.