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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
Flissypix · 21/04/2015 12:19

MAPPLE yes it does! You may have suffered with PND but your experience does not reflect everyone else's. My dd was 4 when I seriously considered moving to another country (I actually went for a week on holiday alone and realised I was being stupid). My dd2 was a baby but it was 3 more years before I sought help. If you had known me in real life you would have had no idea that I was suffering for so long and if I had up and left everyone would have been so shocked but that was because I was very ill. I totally convinced myself that the reason I hadn't bonded with my dd2 was because my dd1 was so special and as she was so special she wasn't going to be around for very long, I totally convinced myself she was going to die before she was 4 and I knew I wouldn't cope without her soI would probably die too. I slept on her floor every night until her 4th birthday. Not a single person (except my dh) knew. My home was clean and tidy, my dds well socialised we went to art classes, dance class,toddler group etc never missed HV appointments, was the chair of the PTFA and a governor. The image of a 'perfect mum' but I was a total wreck. I did my absolute best to hide it and be a good mum it nearly cost me my marriage. Now 3 years on and I am so glad I hung on and the feelings/thoughts I had then I can't believe I ever had. I look at my beautiful girls and wonder how I could ever have thought I would want to be without them or that they would be better without me. PND effects people differently and whilst I have come to terms with the fact that I was ill and I actually never did anything to feel guilty about. The judgement of women suffering PND is clear and why people avoid getting help as they are afraid they will be labelled a bad mother when actually they are a sick and b trying through that confusion to make the best decisions they can. If I had not got help when I did which only came because my marriage was falling apart I may not have stayed. Just because you and I managed to make it work does not mean everyone is as fortunate.

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 12:19

You only get one chance of being a parent to your children. I feel desperately sorry for any children whose parents don't want to play a part in their lives - and yes, that includes children whose Dads just fuck off and don't want to see them. Any dad who does that - and there are many like that - do not deserve to be parents.

You don't have to be the NRP.

What "contact" would you like? What "contact" is reasonable for all concerned?

Bonsoir · 21/04/2015 12:20

If you aren't a good parent and your STBXH is, why not leave the bulk of your DCs' upbringing to him?

My DP's exW is a terrible mother but my DP is a fabulous father and the DSSs are just fine!

everyusernameisinuse · 21/04/2015 12:20

Something doesn't sound quite right about the OP's responses. They sound a bit contrived - not genuine. Perhaps I'm wrong but it sounds like someone starting a controversial debate. There's a lack of warmth or concern for the children. Or maybe the OP is just quite detached and clinical or suffering with PND. Just seems a little bit staged to me.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 21/04/2015 12:23

*so, man walks away from his children and is a substandard bastad father.., and rightly so....

Woman walks away from her children - must have pnd/struggle to be a parent/not her fault*

True. A classic MN double standard.

Lancelottie · 21/04/2015 12:25

Except that here it's 'woman who has had [might still have?] PND', rather than random woman, so not quite so clearcut a double standard, surely.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/04/2015 12:26

Horrible thread.

The op need to wake up and think about the damage she is doing to her kids and not indulging in her own depression or what ever excuse she is using.

first is spot on!

maplebaconchips · 21/04/2015 12:27

Flissy, the fact is you did not go and leave them. You stuck around, and you sounded like you were terribly unwell. You strived to be the perfect mummy, even though you were breaking up behind closed doors. You didnt just leave even though you had worrying ideas. Well done you. Despite being so unwell you gave it all your very best shot. As did I.

I didnt go and give up my child for adoption like I made myself think was best for them, I went and got antidepressents and had counselling. Everyusername I think has hit the nail on the head, its the coldness which is troubling.

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 12:27

If you're depressed, it's difficult to see things clearly.

It sounds like the OP needs support especially for PND.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/04/2015 12:28

Men get depression too lance but I've yet to see one thread where posters are telling the op it's "ok- just let him go, he needs help... Poor thing"

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 12:28

I meant to say earlier would you consider councilling for yourself not couple just for you you had pnd 2 babies at home to look after maybe you would benefit your gp could refer you might help not to stay but to leave

lemonhope · 21/04/2015 12:28

"If you aren't a good parent and your STBXH is, why not leave the bulk of your DCs' upbringing to him?

My DP's exW is a terrible mother but my DP is a fabulous father and the DSSs are just fine!"

I know some people (particularly men) do rather well out of their partners being 'terrible mothers'. They look fabulous by having to do very little. Its called codependency.

scallopsrgreat · 21/04/2015 12:28

But men aren't substandard fathers for walking away. It happens all the time. If there were any outrage and vilification of men for doing that then the scenario would be reduced. But it isn't.

And she does have PND. There is no "must have" about it.

And she isn't walking away from her children.

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 12:29

Mental illness is not an indulgent past time

maplebaconchips · 21/04/2015 12:30

Im sure the 3 and 4 year old will be very understanding when they only get to see mummy for a weekend every other week, and she is no longer there for them day in day out. Im sure it wont seem like "walking out" to them either, huh.

50 50 I can understand, but moving away and such little contact, there is no way you can be a proper mother with that little contact.

Bonsoir · 21/04/2015 12:31

I'm not exactly sure what your point is, lemonhope. My DP is a highly involved father and does masses for his DSs. My point is that DC will be fine providing at least one parent is putting in the hard graft of parenting - and it doesn't have to be the mother.

lemonhope · 21/04/2015 12:33

yes of course children can turn out fine with a single parent

but that's not really the point of this thread is it?

Quitelikely · 21/04/2015 12:33

There is nothing wrong with letting the father have the children during the week.

The only thing that is wrong is the judgement that is going to come your way for doing it. This on here is a little taster of the attitudes you will encounter in real life.

I've got no doubt that you love your children and see 50/50 residency in everyone's best interests.

Lancelottie · 21/04/2015 12:33

Believe me, Joyfull, I do know only too well that men get depression too. As do children.

I just don't think that calling people shitty, selfish human beings is going to help anyone here.

And on that note, I think I should apologise for telling someone upthread (Vivienne?) to bog off. Just struck a nerve, I'm afraid. I was weird for years after having DS1.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/04/2015 12:34

mrsjay I have to disagree with you there. My mother has had it all my life.

curlyweasel · 21/04/2015 12:34

Wow. A lot of ignorance about PND on here today.

slicedfinger · 21/04/2015 12:34

"indulging in depression". Seriously?

I actually felt like taking the steps I needed to to get better was the indulgence (equally wrong).

Theoretician · 21/04/2015 12:37

As a resident parent, there is no way on earth I would agree to every weekend.

I've thought that if I separate, I would want to be the RP, in the sense that I have DD Monday to Thursday nights, and want DW to have every weekend, Friday to Sunday, by default.

I would want this because I'm not good at spending hour-after-hour doing whatever is entertaining to a 5-year-old. To me the incidental interactions of day-to-day life are bearable way of getting my quota of contact. I am an introvert, hours of "quality time", even with another adult, would do my head in. (Having to attend never mind organise birthday parties would be my biggest nightmare.)

I can enjoy 15 minutes of play at a time. It's probably never my first choice of how I'd like to spend a particular 15 minutes, but my life overall is better for DD insisting on her quota. Having the weekends free would guarantee some time to do whatever I most enjoy. Because whatever that is, it's not likely to be the same thing a small child enjoys. DW on the other hand has very little use for her non-working time other than to spend it with DD.

I'm assuming that on the rare occasion that I wanted to spend several non-stop hours with DD, on a weekend, that would sometimes be allowed.

lemonhope · 21/04/2015 12:38

there is no doubt in my mind that SOME people indulge in having all kinds of anxieties and panics and worries - my mother is one of them, it is immensely self indulgent and wearing

however, a lot of MH issues are absolutely terrifying and very real.

Lets not make sweeping generalisations

LadyDeadpool · 21/04/2015 12:40

My mum and dad both ditched me. I was raised by my grandparents. I'm a mess, depressed, anxious and with borderline personality disorder that my psychologist thinks is a direct result of their shitty parenting. I'm nc with them both. Please put your children first it's only for a short time and someone has to love them.