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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 21/04/2015 11:44

I'm not reading that the OP doesn't think it will have an impact, cailin.

I am now reading from your latest post Silent, that your H wants it all his way. Stay in a marriage on 'his terms'? [shocked] You haven't had an affair or been abusive or something like that, have you? I am just trying to think of a situation where it would be even partly reasonable to stay in a marriage according to one person's terms.

Seriously, I think you need to speak to a solicitor.

maplebaconchips · 21/04/2015 11:44

PND does not lead women to dump children they suddenly choose they do not want to parent and move to another city. The time for deciding you do not want to be a mother is not 4 years down the line. It does not make people cold and selfish. Myself, and most of the other women who use mumsnet who have suffered from PND did not run away from our kids, we fought to stay with them and I know I personally suffered horrible guilt for my depression after my first child.

I might be shitty, but I did not desert my children.

FickleByNurture · 21/04/2015 11:46

I am one of those unmaternal types who would probably do what you are considering but my DH knows this in advance. I'm sorry people have not understood your PND and lingering depression on this thread - I don't think you've deserved some of the comments on this thread.

a friend of mine has split child responsibility sunday-Wednesday and Thursday-Saturday. Children swap over either Saturday night or Sunday morning depending on what's going on weekly. This means that very little child maintenance needs paying if any. What they have to do though is talk, and talk constantly.

Obviously the problem you have is that you will be quite far away from school runs and the rest of the faff that comes with a child's social life. Would you consider moving between where you are now and the new city? Meet half way?

no73 · 21/04/2015 11:48

My PND made me want to walk away from my child many, many times however, I couldn't as his dad had already fucked off and let time to it. I came very, very close to considering giving him up for adoption. I look back now and feel very guilty about it but I was suffering from PND and it affects people differently.

OurGlass · 21/04/2015 11:48

I hope you get an outcome that benefits all of you, especially the children. Good luck.

eddielizzard · 21/04/2015 11:48

yanbu at all.

as wimmin we're expected to love being mums but actually it doesn't come naturally to everyone. it didn't come naturally to me. surely we should do what makes us better people and parents? even if that means spending less time with the kids, if the time we do spend with them is that much happier and positive.

and open discussion about this is good. i felt very alienated when i just didn't enjoy babies and everyone around me was waxing lyrical about how wonderful it all was. no it wasn't. it was shit. literally.

good luck. i hope you get the arrangement that suits everyone the best.

Flissypix · 21/04/2015 11:50

OP I don't think you are being UR. However you need to address your PND and make sure you don't do anything that can't be undone. My DH and I have switched between SAHP and working/studying for the last 8 years. My DH is much much better at running the house than I am. However when my dd2 was small and i had PND his being better resulted in my thinking that meant I was rubbish and that the children would be better off with just him. I would have at the that point easily walked and only seen dds at the weekend. I didn't and I sought counselling and learnt that I was good enough and good enough was enough for my dds. Your post sound so like me 4 years ago I was so lost and thought escaping was the only way to go. My dh and I went through hell and we nearly split it was dreadful but now we are so much happier and stronger than before I have a balance between being home all the time and working full-time. I went back to Uni to study which gave me 3 years of being home part time and really doing something for myself and my career. I hope you figure it out.

FickleByNurture · 21/04/2015 11:52

Actually did everyone miss the bit where the OP said that her DH said he wanted full custody and would fight for it? Is she a crap mom for not immediately fighting tooth and nail instead of saying ok when that's what she actually wants?

lemonhope · 21/04/2015 11:52

"as wimmin we're expected to love being mums but actually it doesn't come naturally to everyone. it didn't come naturally to me. surely we should do what makes us better people and parents? even if that means spending less time with the kids, if the time we do spend with them is that much happier and positive."

No it doesn't come naturally to many women actually but it's not all about you - even if you are hating it you need to try and help yourself get over it for your children's sake! It makes you the best person possible to crack on with something you are finding really tough for the sake of someone else. And if you need self-fullfilment - get a hobby! And everything I've said applies to men too.

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 12:00

even if that means spending less time with the kids, if the time we do spend with them is that much happier and positive

Yes - but what about the other parent?

Someone has to be the parent who makes sure they get to school, the doctors, appointments, has the right clothes, shoes etc. The parenting bit.

Those parents who dump all that one on parent, enjoy their career, make advances in it and see their kids occasionally for the fun bits seem to only want the fun bit of parenting. Yes,many Dads do that. Leave all the hard work of parenting to one parent, that parent who has to work part time if they are lucky because they have to sacrifice their life for their children.

That is pretty crap of Dads who are only there for the fun times and leave the parenting bit to their exes. I think separated parents have a responsibility not to drop parenting during the week on one parent so they can have their career. A dad who thinks he can do that is being pretty crappy to their kids. Career first. Kids and parenting second.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 12:01

ThumbWitchesAbroad how can court force custody on a parent?

OP posts:
MauriceTheCat · 21/04/2015 12:01

Other things I can't see have cropping up on the thread which I urge you to talk about OP. Holidays... Who does Child care then? Hide much leave could you take to cover weeks in the summer or would you just do Christmas and Easter even thou have thing off.

Sickness... could you cover any times when your children are sick?

My DH is a family lawyer and he tells me the woman leaving its becoming more common but the basics are always best worked out from the start regardless.

Good luck OP to you and your Family

StupidBloodyKindle · 21/04/2015 12:01

YANBU
When you said your dh said he would fight you for custody, then you said that's fine, so he went for 50-50. I thought I bet he bloody did.
It is a joke that women are labelled most of the sodding time as being 'primary carrier's whether they are sham or working mums. It is a joke that any woman expressing the remotest maternal ambivalence is demonized (Kramer vs Kramer/we need to talk about Kevin). It is a joke that fathers walk out of the family home every single damned day but if a.mother were to deign to, then there is Shock and pearl-clutching all round with a wailing of 'Won't somebody think of the babbies?' to boot?

Do what is best for the kids regarding consistency of care. Be aware that father and in laws may drip feed toxic crap at them 're your absence/split. Make sure you pay your maintenance to the max and on time. Try and not become a Disney mum or undermine your ex. Keep all communications via email and do not reply to emotional blackmail.

Good luck Shamrock

TheMagnificientFour · 21/04/2015 12:01

OP I'm worried abut your coment
DH is pushing me to take adecision, to stay in an unhappy marriage ON HIS TERMS or get out
You also said before he was using the dcs as weapon saying you wouldn't get them etc...

What is going there? It seems your DH is far from being the 'angel' there and has a big pat to play in the situation. Has he agreed on mediation?
Has he always been that controlling?
Has he been supportive of your PND or was he an instrument of it?

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 12:03

Forcing custody is normally when one of the parents wants to see more of their children but the RP won't let them. So the courts tell the RP to let the NRP see their kids at certain times.

StupidBloodyKindle · 21/04/2015 12:03

Stupid. bloody. Kindle.
Primary carers
SAHM

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 12:04

"ThumbWitchesAbroad how can court force custody on a parent?"

Sorry, what? I don't understand what you mean, "force custody" - there was no "forced custody", she just didn't get what she wanted, which was all the leisure time and none of the school days.

nickersinaknot · 21/04/2015 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlyweasel · 21/04/2015 12:07

Surely quality over depressed quantity is better for the children?

Completely agree with this OP. Long term outcomes for children living with a depressed parent are pretty grim (and I speak from experience).

I think you're being incredibly brave and honest discussing this issue on a public forum. BUT, I think maybe there are avenues you haven't yet explored and you're swinging from one extreme to the other. Which is understandable.

I really hope it works out for you and your family. There have been some very supportive and helpful posts on here and there are networks of support you could benefit from.

lemonhope · 21/04/2015 12:08

my health visitor once told me that children just want you around. You could be crying in the next room but they'd still rather you were there than weren't there.

It stayed with me.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/04/2015 12:11

Almost rolling my eyes out of my head at the posts saying a man would be judged just as much... if not more... No fucking way. Men are allowed to swan off and leave their families with the vaguest excuses, you very rarely hear that a man has been ostracized for bailing out on his commitments. All an absent father has to do is imply they 'never get to see the kids' with a wistful expression and they're drowning in sympathy. Never midn that they never see them because they can't be bothered.

I posted under a different name about my relationship break up and how frightened I was that he was just going to walk away and leave everything on me, and I was told to pull myself together, these things happen, he must have been very unhappy, and that what really mattered was that he had his rights and must be able to see the dc's however much of a shitbag I considered him to be. His friends and family don't speak to me now, because of the lies he told them. It's just eaten up, people love to get the excuse to slag off women, especially mothers, especially single mothers - even if (or maybe especially if) the person doing the slagging off is the one who caused all that to happen.

Women aren't held to as high a standard?! Just complete bullshit!

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 12:12

Any parent who walks out, decides to work full time, wants to move to another city and wants to only spend the "fun" weekend time with their kids whilst leaving the RP to do all the parenting work during the week needs to look at themselves and reflect.

Normally it's men who do this. I think a man who did this (and there are plenty) are selfish and only want the fun bits of parenting. They normally leave the mum coping single handedly and often with far less money -regardless of any financial support.

People separate. That's a fact. If you want to separate, go ahead. It happens. But I think you should look at less drastic contact than every weekend (which I think is not good for any parent).

You don't have to be the RP. But you also don't have to be the NRP who rarely sees their kids.

Lancelottie · 21/04/2015 12:13

Why is he pushing you for a decision right away, before trying mediation, counselling or any of the usual preliminaries? What's his reasoning? Surely if he's such a fab parent he would want to minimise the impact on the children?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 21/04/2015 12:13

Make sure that your kids don't find out how you feel on this OP. Feeling rejected on top of a parental divorce, isn't going to go down well.

maplebaconchips · 21/04/2015 12:13

Surely quality over depressed quantity is better for the children?

Then you get antidepressents, go to parenting classes and counselling and learn to be a better mother and person, instead of distancing yourself from the two people that love and need you most. Time to step up to the responsibility.