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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 21/04/2015 11:24

Cheaper than running two households I'd imagine.

Financially maybe.

GraysAnalogy · 21/04/2015 11:25

And bullshit that men get as much questioning/aggro about whether they work full time with children. They don't. Not on MN

Bullshit. If a man came on here saying this he would be railroaded. He wouldn't be able to use PND as a reason either so there would be no sympathy at all.

Lancelottie · 21/04/2015 11:25

Right, Grays, and the explanation for emotional detachment wouldn't be anything to do with depression, of course?

The OP has found that her parenting improves when she's at work and less in the thick of it all. I suspect she's extrapolating from that to 'the less I'm with them, the better we'll be', in a not entirely logical fashion.

lemonhope · 21/04/2015 11:25

God, I should think all of us at some stage have dreamed about running away and training for a job we loved, unencumbered by family and kids. But that isn't actually real life. Once you have children, you have responsibilities. The OPs dh sounds charming - using the children as a bargaining tool. If my dh was like that I would do anything I could to have sole custody! I think the OP is being completely unrealistic and that the desire to have her 'own life' to the point that she is actually doing exactly that is almost certainly a symptom of unresolved PND.

cailindana · 21/04/2015 11:26

Silent it sounds like the PND has had a massive impact on you and you're not out of the woods yet. A parent, any parent, man or woman, who walks away and says "you have them" to the other parent has an issue that needs to be solved before the relationship with their children is destroyed. Millions of men have walked away and said "you have them" and millions of children have suffered as a result. You can walk away, it is totally possible but I fear you will regret it massively in the future (as many men who do that end up doing).

It is possible to split amicably and for the split to have relatively little impact on the children. But only if you and your ex are willing to step up and deal with this maturely. At the moment it seems you're both angry at each other (as indicated by the "I'll fight you for the children" stuff your ex is coming out with) and it sounds like your children are pawns being pushed around the board between you in an attempt to score points.

Stop this. You have two young lives in your hands. They are not dolls, they are people. Start treating them with the respect they deserve.

scallopsrgreat · 21/04/2015 11:28

OP I hope you are OK. Your husband sounds pretty manipulative, I don't know whether that is part of the reason the marriage is breaking down.

If you do still want to end your marriage I would get yourself to a solicitor, just to see where you stand.

PrimalLass · 21/04/2015 11:28

Cheaper than running two households I'd imagine.

Financially maybe.

Of course. But the OP said she desperately needed marriage counselling.

Viviennemary · 21/04/2015 11:29

If people don't like the truth that's their problem. You shape up and do your best. You don't wash your hands of the children you gave birth to. If that's judgemental then too bad. This is real life. You do your best. And it's not about being perfect. It's about caring for children that you have had.

msgrinch · 21/04/2015 11:29

op please feel free to pm me Thanks

GraysAnalogy · 21/04/2015 11:29

Right, Grays, and the explanation for emotional detachment wouldn't be anything to do with depression, of course?
Could be, could not be.

Women are able to be less than stellar mums without PND influencing it.

Lancelottie · 21/04/2015 11:29

Sorry, Silent, it must feel horrible to be argued over like this.

I take Scallop's point about not persuading you to stay in a marriage if it's not what you want -- but equally, depending on your reasons for wanting to split, I think there might be something to be gained from counselling both for relationship and for the PND. Maybe that'll mean a more amicable split, who knows.

GraysAnalogy · 21/04/2015 11:30

Sorry, Silent, it must feel horrible to be argued over like this

Bit like the children then, only this is because no-one wants them.

msgrinch · 21/04/2015 11:30

It's not the truth vivinne. It's your warped opinion.

scallopsrgreat · 21/04/2015 11:32

"You don't wash your hands of the children you gave birth to." She hasn't and she isn't. Yet her husband seems to be able to leave most of the childcare to her (possibly without much support as there are big correlations between lack of support and PND) and then use them as a bargaining tool. Where is your outrage with his actions?

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 21/04/2015 11:33

This is a really interesting thread. OP, you are being honest and I think that is one of the most important things to do when you are contemplating the future for your DC. Do you feel as if you have had support from your H over the past 4 years? I just wonder if your judgement of yourself as a parent is a fair one.
I only manage having DS with lots of support due to my MH problems and I question my abilities as a parent daily but, I know that that is part of being a good parent. It means you care.
I really hope you can find a way of sorting things so that you can all be happy with the outcome.Thanks

cailindana · 21/04/2015 11:34

There's no denying the DH has been shit in this situation scallops, although the OP does think he is a good parent. That's irrelevant though really as we're talking about the OP and her actions. She seems to think she can leave, move away, and nothing will happen to the children. We're telling her it's not that simple. She can of course opt to do as she's planning but it seems wrong to reassure her that that will have no impact on her on the children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 11:35

My brother's ex tried to have the children every weekend, leaving him with all the donkey work through the week and none of the fun time - he didn't agree to it and neither did the court. He got 50:50, EOW and most of the week.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 11:37

If you have only just gone back to work, I would personally give it some time before taking off to the city. I don't underestimate the sheer euphoria of escaping the often drudgery of being a SAHP but its a huge adjustment for your children to make, to so quickly to move to only seeing you two days a week?

Very wise point. I would love to have more time, but DH is pushing me for a decision: stay with him (and unhappy marriage) on his terms or get out. I've suggested mediation.

counselling is available online

Couple counselling? How does that work?

Fortunately for me, (or unfortunately really) the decision wouldn't be mine to make, it would be a given in my situation.

Can you explain?

msgrinch How horrid for you, on top of depression too. Did the gossiping ever stop? I think a lot stems from ignorance.

OP posts:
lemonhope · 21/04/2015 11:39

You sound like a very honest person and I find it hard to believe from your posts that you are a bad parent Flowers

I really hope you work all this out.

SoupDragon · 21/04/2015 11:39

You are unlikely to get access every single weekend, it would more likely be every other weekend and an evening or two in the middle.

As a resident parent, there is no way on earth I would agree to every weekend.

msgrinch · 21/04/2015 11:39

It did, now it's not a problem at all. Once people stopped listening to gossip and actually spoken to me most actually agreed it was best for ds. It's pretty much 50/50 now between my ex and I ad well.

OOAOML · 21/04/2015 11:41

Thanks lance (and great to see someone who gets the reference!)

I feel so guilty, he is lovely. He is adorable. Most days he is like having a very affectionate toddler. But a 9 year old toddler, emotionally volatile and switching mood at the drop of a hat. And sometimes I just cannot take any more talking to me, I cannot absorb the sheer level of words that he wants to share with me. And I have to balance giving him the attention he needs with giving my older child attention, and trying not to favour him (we already get lots of 'he gets away with everything because he has ASD'). I really don't think I could do this on my own.

no73 · 21/04/2015 11:41

I was you in some ways OP, I am not a natural parent, I'm snappy, exhausted and I don't get this overwhelming need to be with your children al the time. I also had PND and PTSD.

My ex left me to bring up my child alone and its been bloody hard however, now he has turned 5 things have improved. I have also done a lot of reading around parenting to try and change how I deal with things. I'm still not perfect but I understand things better and am able to understand where my child is coming from a bit better.

I'm never going to be a great parent but I am enjoying it more now and especially since I have started looking after myself a bit more...exercise, b vitamins and magnesium have helped far more than the anti depressants ever did.

I think you should give yourself a bit more credit as a parent tbh you're a SAHM for years and didn't manage to kill them off. Do you honestly think if your ex had been a SAHD he'd have been any less stressed??

PND is horrible, soul destroying and makes you feel an utter failure as a person and a parent. I really do understand where you are coming from but I think you will regret only being a weekend parent so go for 50/50 and see your kids during the week and take it turns at the weekends. Missing out on the school week stuff will alienate you from your children more than you think which will increase your self believe that you are a shit parent.

I hope it works out for you. Parenting is hard, boring and shit most of the time when they are young but it does get better.

wannaBe · 21/04/2015 11:41

so, man walks away from his children and is a substandard bastad father.., and rightly so....

Woman walks away from her children - must have pnd/struggle to be a parent/not her fault.

When you have children what is best for you ceases to be a priority for the time those children are dependent on you.

Anyone who walks away from their kids be that man or woman is a pretty shit parent. whether that is due to circumstance or personality is irrelevant really, if circumstance then bloody get help to resolve it, if personality then just hope none of the kids inherited that trait....

I have 50/50 with my xh not because it was what I wanted, I would have wanted ds full-time, but that wasn't what was in his best interests.

But when looking at this thread it seems that what is in the children's best interests isn't what the parents are interested in.

If op has pnd then she should seek help. If not then she should bloody take responsibility for her kids. If this means she has to seek some childcare for them so she can work then so be it.

Viviennemary · 21/04/2015 11:42

A lot of people don't approve of the OP's attitude towards her children not just me. I thought GraysAnalogy put it very well in her post on page 6.