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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 10:35

Do not ask him where he is staying, go nc

Meantime start to figure out finances etc

Sickoffrozen · 20/04/2015 10:36

That's vile isn't it.

Just end it with him. You will be better off in the long run. He clearly has a side that you knew nothing about.

How people can go back with cheats having actually seen that sort of evidence I don't know.

Vivacia · 20/04/2015 10:36

((OP))

I agree. Go no contact. Your brain must be reeling.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 10:36

Pack his bags, tell him he can come and collect them at a time when you are out

Contact a solicitor

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 10:36

Please don't do anymore searching, you know enough.

I remember that awful, sick, burning feeling and you don't need to see or read anymore.

Is your friend coming round?

Hobbitwife001 · 20/04/2015 10:39

I wouldn't go looking for any pictures my love, it would only upset you, as a PP has said, once seen, it can never be forgotten, and you have been hurt enough. They are both vile creatures, and sending each other random images of body parts is par for the course for infidelity.

I think you are right in not confronting them at the office, although I completely understand the anger felt here on your behalf, it just wouldn't go the way you wanted it to, and that might make you more anxious and upset.

I have been in the same position, and know the pain you are feeling, it is all consuming, but you sound like a lovely strong lady and a good mother, and you will get through it.

I would get some legal advice as soon as you can, he does sound as if he has already checked out of the marriage if he can act in such a callous way.
Take care of yourself.

Weebirdie · 20/04/2015 10:41

Ophelia, Im so sorry you found those pictures.

sebsmummy1 · 20/04/2015 10:41

He has the power at the moment as it sounds like you are waiting at home for him to decide if he is staying or going. Even if he says he is staying his head has gone, so honestly, try and utilise you child-free time and get his belongings packed up and work out where you stand financially.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 10:43

That was a night he said he'd watch the kids while I went out for a rare night out with some old friends.

So he's one of those who "babysits" his own kids? Not his worst indiscretion obviously but gives some insight.

Do you have any feelings yet about what you'll tell him to do?

goldylookingpane · 20/04/2015 10:43

It's when they mention them a lot and then stop mentioning them you need to worry.
When they stop talking about them, their subconcious is making them feel guilty, so they go out of their way not to talk about the person.

And if there's a future work do, make a point of going.
Watch them closely.
If he chats with everyone except her, then you need to worry.

sebsmummy1 · 20/04/2015 10:44

And keep a copy of that file and anything else online. Email it to yourself just incase when you divorce he doesn't want to accept it was due to his adultery.

BuzzardBird · 20/04/2015 10:44

You need to find your anger OP. That pig more than likely came home and kissed his wife and kids knowing full well were his lips had been. You need to start thinking practically, you will have time for tears later.
STD check
Solicitor
Cut off contact, let him feel what his future is going to feel like.
She might think she has won the prize but all she has gained is a prize wanker who is a terrible father and husband.
Look after yourself and your children, do not give him a second thought, he doesn't deserve it.

Hobbitwife001 · 20/04/2015 10:45

Sorry, cross posted, I'm so sorry you are going through this, he is not worth your tears, good riddance to him, and she is the worst kind of ow.

sebsmummy1 · 20/04/2015 10:45

Actually, might be worth emailing those shots to his and her work email addresses just so they can see how classy they are. Thank them both for showing you just what a nasty skank your husband is.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 10:45

I messaged her asking her to come over. She's at work but said she will be over as soon as she's finished for the day.

I've messaged him and told him that I've found the pictures and I'm utterly disgusted by him how dare he bring it tomorrow our house our bed while my kids are asleep in the same house! His reply was vile that he's always wanked so why am I so horrified by the idea that he had a wank in our bed. He doesn't seem to grasps that wanking isn't the issue the issue is he got his kicks over another actual woman who he since has sex!! I get that everyone had fantasy and I was never under the impression he'd be wanking over me o always assumed it was porn but the idea just a picture of her boobs and her lying on a bed was enough to get him this trend on makes me want to throw up.

I've told him I want to see the messages he deleted I need to know how much more there is to it. I don't believe what he's told me anymore. Stupidly I thought that although this was massive there might be a chance of he wanted to that we could work on our marriage and save it but right now I don't think that at possible.
I know I'll regret it but I need to know what he's said to her before I can truly get to that point where my happy family life is gone forever

Why is he not fighting to keep me! He knows about her kid and situation hey he still chose her and to keep the affair going. They also have such normal conversations about their days and random stuff they up to like watching location location location and her love of master chef. It's like a relationship Sad

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 10:49

Aw love, I am sorry, his response really tells you all you need to know

It is a relationship and he has checked out of yours, please don't give him anymore power, it's already very bad, you don't need to know anymore

You need to start thinking about the practicalities, how are you going to afford to live without him, do you have access to all the finances?

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 10:49

This is almost a mirror to my situation, I think that with every update you post Sad

Especially the holiday and the important work stuff he had to do while we were on holiday and the total detachment from believing he had done anything wrong and shrugging off anything you say. Horrible, just horrible.

Sickoffrozen · 20/04/2015 10:50

I think you are going to upset yourself more going down this road.

goldylookingpane · 20/04/2015 10:50

Because I'm a spiteful bitch, I'd look into whether this is a breach for his company. Especially having sex in the office. I'd probably mention times and dates in case there are cameras they can check. I'd also probably do it anonomously.

This.
Let her company know. There will be repercussions for her (and him).
Why should your life be turned upside down whilst her little world keeps on merrily spinning round. and it's not being spiteful

Better still, go straight to head office. Do it anonymously.

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 10:50

Wow, Buzzard, way to twist the knife Hmm Not helpful.

OP sorry you found those pics. Please don't look for any more. You will tear yourself apart.

Try to concentrate on practical stuff, call CAB and solicitors, set up appointments. Try to eat - if you can't keep solids down, try yoghurts,s smoothies, soup. Flowers

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 10:52

The last thing OP wants is for her H to be sacked so he can't pay maintenance!

Does everyone really think that companies care that half the staff are banging each other? Seriously if they sacked everyone who was cheating the unemployment figures would be sky high!

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 10:53

Leave his work out of it, it will make the situation worse for you.

Maintain your dignity, you have done nothing wrong. Hard to believe but this isn't about you at all, this is about lust and selfishness.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 10:55

goldylooking
Why should your life be turned upside down whilst her little world keeps on merrily spinning round

Because OP is a sahm and if DH or OW loses their job, OP and her children's finances/lives will suffer.

Think smart.

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 10:55

I personally don't think it's helpful for MNers to be blunt in saying where he's been

The OP is in shock and is facing her world falling apart, she doesn't need it spelt out graphically from us as each of those sentences will sting even more, we can support her without being so graphic.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/04/2015 10:55

He's a scumbag. Have you made your peace with that yet?

You need to throw your energies into protecting yourself and your children, because from the sounds of it this arsehole will get very unpleasant. Get some legal advice ASAP. Do you have a shared bank account?