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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
dollius · 20/04/2015 06:57

Jesus, "wank fodder"?? How utterly revolting and vile.

mindifidont · 20/04/2015 07:01

Me who cheat don't use normal text messages. They use kik and make sure to always delete or hide the app when they're at home.

mindifidont · 20/04/2015 07:04

MEN who cheat!!! Not me!!!

Penfold007 · 20/04/2015 07:23

Ophelia he has been caught out in the midst of a full blown affair, an affair he planned and started. There will be much more to the,affair than he has admitted.
She's single so there is nothing to stop him moving in and that's what he will do even if he claims he's sleeping on a mates sofa.
You need to take serious steps today to financially protect you and the twins. Take control of this awful situation he has forced upon you.

Ledkr · 20/04/2015 07:26

Don't forget either that he is still the twins dad. Why should u be dealing with all this and coping with two toddlers while he swans off to work with that cow.
If you are inclined to, make him take some time off and have them while you fall apart or take control of things.
I am really sorry. It's the worst thing that ever happened to me and ive had cancer!!
When you feel desperate, remind yourself that you will be ok. It takes time and is very painful but life will be good again and you can be happy again I absolutely promise.
Try to eat small rich but of food even tho u won't want to.
Stay hydrated.
Try to rest and sleep when you can and when you wake up anxious or crying, make tea and toast and watch tv till it passes.
Can Enlist friends today?

beerbelly · 20/04/2015 07:27

((OP)) How horrible for you. I am going through this at the moment so know how you feel. But I am hoping to save my marriage.

The advice I would give is to give it time to really work out how both of you feel.

When I first found out about DH's affair, he didn't seem overly remorseful - he kept trying to convince me that our marriage had been in trouble before it happened. But, in hindsight, he was in shock at being caught.

In the days and weeks that have followed he has: cut all contact with the OW (difficult in your case, I understand) apologised profusely; said he is disgusted with himself; read a self help book on how to heal your spouse after an affair; allowed me free access to his phone / laptop / emails etc. whenever I want; answered all my questions (I believe) honestly and generally been more thoughtful and considerate around the house. Give your DH a chance to get into this gear.

I didn't kick him out as I didn't want it to become public knowledge and we had a badly timed family holiday soon after the disclosure - which was actually pretty good for us.

I am 6 weeks in and we are not out of the woods, but I am already forgiving him as I believe he is remorseful and, well, people fuck up sometimes.

The only thing that concerns me is that he is dropped down in my estimations and I don't know if I still love him like I did(I've told him this and he was upset but accepted it).

Only time will tell. Good luck OP, PM me if you need to.

Ledkr · 20/04/2015 07:29

I was embarrassed to tell others but it does help.
I told a select few at first.

In the long run my ex did me a favour too.
My life has been wonderful since he left.

happystory · 20/04/2015 07:43

But hang on a minute, re cameras and office policy etc, the last thing op needs is him to lose his job right now .....

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 07:45

He's just left for work and taken an over night bag with him. I asked him where he planned on staying tonight he said he'll book a hotel when he gets to work.

He was up earlier than usual and I noticed he was wearing his nicest suit and had spent time on his hair / shaving. I guess over the last month there have been times he's put more effort into his appearance but whenever I teased him about it there was always a logical explanation like he has a big meeting that day or visitors coming into the office. I'm sure today it's for her Benifit.

We spoke a bit more before he left because I just wanted some confirmation from him he wasn't just running straight into her arms. I don't know why it's so important to me I just want to know our family mean more to him than that. All night is been obsessing over the details he'd given me trying to work out if what it all means. I asked him straight out this morning if it was purely sex and the thrill or was there something deeper there. He said that it started out just an ego boast for him, since she's considered rather attractive by most of the guys in the office he liked the fact they'd chat and then people would tell him how lucky he was to get to have her perched on his desk. When the flirting and inappropriate chat started he said it made him feel really good that she obviously found him attractive. He told me that after their first kiss and fumble he was just so turned on by the idea and thrill of it being so naughty / forbidden. He was sure it was just a sexual thing then but then she mentioned another friend of theirs had started to spend a lot of time coming to their office for chats with her and texting her and suggesting they go out. DH claims he realised he was jealous by the idea of this guy so it was then he took it further with more kisses and the eventual sexual stuff.
That doesn't make sense to me why should he need to feel the urge to claim her as he's married to me! What difference does it make if she's seeing / shagging some other guy. I asked him if it was just that he didn't want to lose the attention and obvious sexual thrill it has given him or was there more too it. He said the jealousy made him realise he felt more for her than he'd expected. His approach had been he was married so it would only be a Sex thing but he was prepared for the jealousy he felt seeing her with this other guy.

Is that why he's not trying harder to save our family?? He didn't say I have feelings for her but he also didn't say he doesn't. I just can't believe this is happening to me

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/04/2015 07:53

I think he checked out of your family a long time ago Sad

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 07:55

What a mess.

I don't know what's worse - the kind of man who risks his family for "just sex" as what would that say about his values or that he does have feelings for her?

Genuinely struggling with what I'd find "best" and honestly think both versions are awful.

Urgh. I feel sick on your behalf.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 07:57

And the seediness of it all - blow jobs in the office? Fuckinghell. Is he senior to her? If so, for some reason that would sicken me more but I'm not sure why.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 20/04/2015 08:00

The jealousy thing about the other guy? I think DH would like to think it was because DH has "feelings" for her but I'd bet it's because he's realised he's not actually the big, horny, hot guy that this amazing woman can't resist and his ego has taken a bashing that she finds someone else attractive too.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 08:08

Pick his stuff, go to their work and dump it on wankfodders desk...then tell her she can put up with his shit

Leave him a photo of his kids and tell him to be happy with the nice girl that gives blow jobs at work

Phoenix0x0 · 20/04/2015 08:17

Sorry that this is happening.

I agree with PP who said 'it's what has not been said that speaks volumes'. Even if he was in shock last night I would of expected that the reality would have set in this morning for him.

I also wouldn't believe that they were only communicating through a work email these are monitored and both would be sacked for sending sexual messages, he probably has her under a different name in his contact lists or hides an app.

You have way more self control than I would.

I would still be inclined to go to his office and watch him squirm.......

goshhhhhh · 20/04/2015 08:26

I'm so sorry. I do believe marriages can survive after affairs but only if you both want it too.
I'm not sure he does. To be honest (& I may be missing something) he doesn't sound sorry. It's more like ge feels relief that you caught him & now he can move on. My worry for you is if she (at some point) turns round and says she doesn't want him anymore.
I'm really sorry.

Penfold007 · 20/04/2015 08:29

Ophelia of course he is running straight to her, of course he was contacting her last night he just hid or deleted the message.

He checked out of your marriage long a go and deliberately went after the office wank fodder. He's fallen for her and is no doubt the talk of the office. Sex at work won't go down well for either of them with the management.

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 08:35

I am so sorry for you Flowers

Use today to tell someone and get support.

Use today to get your papers in order.

Cry, scream, howl, do anything that gets out your feelings and then hold your little ones close because they will be your strength.

His reaction is all too similar to my stbxh and his OW at his work.

It hurts like hell and the physical pain is indescribable but you must drink plenty, look after yourself and get someone who you can really talk things through with.

I'm sorry to say but you probably need to have an STI check too.

It's disgusting what he's putting you through.

Try not to analyse him and her too much, you won't ever understand it, they are both selfish.

Think about what you and your DCs need.

sebsmummy1 · 20/04/2015 08:53

Ophelia what's your situation in terms of working, finances etc? I honestly think from everything you have written here he has left you for her in his head and he is just playing catch up with his body. I really think you need to start planning your life without him as even if he comes back it will be most likely because she didn't actually want him and not because he chose you.

I know I sound like a cold fish but I would be inclined to sit down and work out how your life will function without him. Organise half an hour free with a Solicitor and while he is still dipping his cock you can be working out how much money you're entitled to and if you can still live in the family home with him gone.

Bambino1234 · 20/04/2015 08:55

Gain control of the situation, I know it is easier said than done but the worst mistake I made was becoming a weak and crumbling mess - when it should of been me who called the shots instead I bowed down to everything that he wanted.

My partner wasn't remorseful, didn't say he was sorry, even when I caught her in my bed after a works night out two days after he had told me and the children to leave he still denied anything was going on and made me feel like I was the "bad guy" - he is probably going to leave anyway, don't give him that choice you tell him to go!! Be strong in front of him and save the weakness for when he has gone - it does get easier in time. I'm sorry

dollius · 20/04/2015 08:58

God, make sure he has both kids regularly (not at your home) and load them up with sugar beforehand .

That will have miss loose knickers running screaming for the hills.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 09:03

I've asked my mum to have the twins for today and tonight. I feel like terrible mummy but I need some space to work outbehatbthwbhwll is happening. I haven't told her why yet just that I'm not feeling well and DH is now away for work so I need some help. I think she knows I'm lying but I'm not ready to tell her yet.

I think ifnit had just been sex or fantasy then I could try and get past it but I really am starting to think he has feelings for her and that kills me. I always thought he was my soul mate and no one would ever have the connection we had but he's so wrapped up in her! Telling me he realised he missed chatting to her daily and finding excuses to talk to her or spend time with her.
He is technically senior to her but they are not in the same "team" so although he's a higher level it's not like he has any direct involvement in her management Sad

I've just text my friend who's boyfriend cheated on her a few years ago. Right now she feels like the only person I can discuss something so shameful with. She told me she would bet he has kept copies of the messages and photos somewhere if they where such a turn on to him then he won't have got rid of them completely. i don't know if I'm brave enough to go searching for it, part of me things I'd just be torturing myself and the other part of me says I need to know so I can decide if he's still lying to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 09:07

At the moment in a SAHM. We agreeded id go back to work when the twins were 3 as we could afford for me to stay home comfortably until then.

OP posts:
fairylightsbackintheloft · 20/04/2015 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 20/04/2015 09:10

Aw Ophelia it is hard, get as much information as you can as you need to know exactly what you are dealing with so that you can make decisions

You are not a bad mother, you are trying to protect them and you do need time for you Talk to your friend , start to think worst case scenario I.e. If you were left on your own, how would you manage?