Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

It is natural to want to go searching but you know enough already and once you see or read those things, they never leave your mind.

Talk to your friend, take your time and try not to torture yourself. I got physically sick after reading messages mine had written and it doesn't leave you.

I'm so sorry. You ask how you will cope, you will, I promise you. You have people round you who will help you. I understand the 'shame', I had the perfect husband, we had our traumas to deal with but we were so close and he was the last person I would have expected would cheat on me.

Fairy

I'm so sorry, what the hell is wrong with these fuckers?????

The more you write about what he has told you the worse it sounds (sorry).

As others have said, keep away from involving the office. Having him jobless would put the tin lid on it all.

So sorry Ophelia. Please be kind to yourself today. I so agree with the feeling of being shot. It is such a horrific shock. Your whole world turns on its axis and everything you believed in has been decimated. And calling her a nice girl and wankfodder - bloody hell, do they all follow the exact same script? Just foul. Get thee to a shit hot lawyer and please do tell your friends and family and rally the troops. You deserve so much better than this excuse of a man. And forget the soulmate stuff. That will just torture you and you are going through enough.

fairy I'm sorry you're going through the same thing.

I feel so sick and just cannot get my head round it. We went on an lovely family holiday for Easter and I annoy believe just days before he was getting a blow job from another woman he was the perfect husband and father all holiday and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have such a glorious week away. How can someone do that?! Now I think back to all the times he took the dog for a walk while we where there or offered to drive and get something for me was that all excuses for him to talk to her. What's worse is since the twins our sex life hasn't been what it was before, not terrible but both tired or busy, and while we where away it was like he was a new man. I thought it was because we'd finally got a break and had a chance to reset and reconnect but now all I can think is that he was thinking about her while with me

No personal experience of this but seen friends go through similar. You are much stronger than your husband. I can tell from what you have said he is weak and immature. You will survive this. You have no shame. Take control, see a solicitor regarding how often he should be seeing the children and make sure he knows he will be sharing responsibility for the twins. His fantasy child free life with miss wank fodder will not include the twins. Make sure he knows he will still need to be a father. If he wanted things to work he would suggest counselling and be taking the day off work to talk things through with you. While he is busy at work you need to secure your future. Ask the solicitor about getting him out of the home. I bet he hasn't told OW he was having a wonderful time with you on your Easter holiday.

so sorry OP, this must have been a huge shock.

I would suggest you don't go looking for any other messages/info as it will only hurt you more.

Unfortunately it does sound as if he has feelings for the OW and has - to an extent - checked out of your marriage.

Please don't feel foolish for not suspecting, he has covered his tracks relatively well and when you love someone you're not going to be sitting there suspecting them of straying.

It might feel satisfying to think about grand gestures like storming into the office but I would caution against it - I've worked in a place where someone did this and tbh we just felt she was a bit pathetic and undignified :(

He is trying to recapture the excitement of an early relationship where it's all sex and no kids. Sadly he has been found out at the early stages so the illicit side has been snuffed out and the OW has a child so the heady no kid sex won't happen - especially if he gets her pregnant. Suddenly she will be the missus and he will be looking for cheap thrills elsewhere again.

The most sensible thing she could do at this point is say 'yes it was fun but it was ONLY fun, grow up, go back to your family'. I guess this will be a test of how much she really does like him.

Rosa some of the messages he didn't delete talk about our holiday. He sent her a message about work and she said thanks then said she hoped we were having a lovely holiday! i just don't understand how two people can act like that. He shouldn't have needed to message her at all while we are on holiday! I knew he had some work for their project but that could have been done before he left or after he got back but at the time he told me it was really important for him to get it all sorted because her boss is important and it would be good for his career now I expect he just wanted an excuse to talk to her.

Also, I know it's galling, but some women see a 'good family man' and want to lift him out of his own family and slot him into their family. His 'happily married' status is actually a draw, not a title that puts women off. It's accept weird thing but I've seen it happen lots of times.

I guess it's 'I want what you've got'.

It's so hard when you know they are going to the ow. You feel as if you are making it worse and less likely they will want to stay.
But remember that "life" will still get in the way of their dalliance too.
It's all very well having illicit blowjobs in the office but when you have to do all the normal stuff and pay for and have visits with the twins then the shine will soon go dull and reality will set in.
What vile people they are.
Don't think that he was thinking of her when you were having good sex on holiday either. It's all part of the script for them to have a renewed interest in marital sex.
It actually proves that this is a classic affair and not the "soul mates, love of his life" that you dread.
I'm a very open person but even I coldnt tell many people but please don't feel ashamed, it's not anything you have done it's him thinking with his dick and her having no insight into the hurt and havoc their actions will have.
I am happy to listen if you do need a stranger to scream at, pm me if you need to and I'll give you my number.
I spent many hours on the phone to an old friend with a glass or two of wine.
I love the way these guys just feel as if they can leave their kids and the woman will just take over!!

I agree with Led, the great holiday sex will be because he feels young and rejuvenated and does not mean he was thinking about her.

I'm sure he loves you but he misses exciting, naughty sex. He is a man child and I would very much doubt he will be faithful to her if he eventually goes to her.

The other woman has to be the cool girlfriend. She'll do this because she has such a tenuous grip on him and also to show how opposite she is to anything negative he says about you. Sorry.

So sorry your going through this, what he's done is horrendous and he's making it even worse by not giving you straight answers about what he wants

So even whilst your finally were having a fabulous holiday, he was messaging her?

That tells you all you need to know. You can't rationale that it was just because of a lack of connection since the twice, you were connected and on a family holiday and that still wasn't enough for him.

And I know this feels a long long way away at the moment, but your future really will be bright without him in it, without this massive headfuck, all the lies and deceit. He is simply not worth your precious time, he is utterly focused on himself.

You and the children will be happy.

I told my friend about the missing downloaded picture. She said she went through something similar and eventually found it hidden in a random "Programme" file as her BF thought she was illy and wouldn't know where to look in the pic system. She advised against it because she could never undo what she saw but said if I do an all files search for .jpg files (as he will have prob remained it) I'll notice there is a random
Picture or two in an system folder and that will be where he's stashed them. She agrees with me it's unlikely he's got rid of stuff like if she was such a turn on to him.

I don't think I could confront him or her at work. I don't have the nerve plus I think I'd just looked like a crazy pathetic woman all grumpy and unkempt while she is there in her nice wiggles dresses shiny hair and pretty smile! I just think every would be laughing and thinking good on you mate for scoring her when you had that at home.

I've messaged him to say I want to know where he is staying later. He's not responded yet but he's been on Facebook so he obviously has looked at his phone.

The blowjob confession would have been enough for me to end it.

Imagine having to deal with knowing that if you give it a go. I couldn't.

Dont ask where he is staying. Try and ignore him for now.

Yes, I think that all of the fantasies of showing her up at work should be kept as just that. I'd rather saviour the fact that she doesn't know just how little respect he has for her.

Mine emailed the OW to tell her how he'd rather be with her than going away with me and the kids - but he had to get on with his family duties. A few messages on she was telling him what a great dad he must be. Yes; what a great dad who spends time with his family despite mentally being with another woman.
It's a shock and such a disappointment to find out that your man is doing all the "typical" affair stuff. It feels horrible at first telling people about it, but it does help a lot to have people know. I was surprised by how much support I got.

I agree it's the excitment and illicitness that appeals . Though he probably does have feelings for her-she was a friend/work colleague after all.
I think its up to you -sit tight, stay dignified while making it very clear how much he has hurt you. While it's tempting, don't rant (to him or anyone else, especially his work colleagues) and wait for reality to kick in , at which point he will come back with his tail between his legs . Only you can decide if he's sufficiently remorseful and if you want him back . It will obviously take some work to rebuild trust.
Personally I wouldn't tell that many people in RL , at least until it is clear what's happening . If you do reconcile it's always going to 'be there' .I found it very hard to see friend's husband while it was all going on . Previously we'd got on well and had a good relationship . I suspect it took me years longer than her to forgive him . I think some of our (many mutual) friends do know , but it's something we've never discussed .
I asked her a couple of years ago if she ever thought about it and she said not-it was so long ago . She is pretty sure he never did it again (and he had plenty of opportunity-he was away on business a lot. The girl was moved in the company. Your H may need to consider the implcations of continuing to work with her if you do get back together) I do think it made her stronger and better able to deal with things like his occasional bad temper . She said once he'd hurt her so badly that nothing else he ever did could be that bad. She was 37 at the time and ironically they had agreed to start a family . I think she felt she had more to lose than gain if she ended it .

I looked for the image on the PC. Finally found a folder hidden in the windows ones with a few random images in there. There are two which I must assume are her they are just it a body shot and then a picture of her breasts what's worse is he's sent her pictures of himself tuned on wanting her. There are 3 pictures of him "enjoying her pictures" even one showing the end result of his fun while looking at her pictures. It makes me sick because his phone is in the picture and I can see the date and time! That was a night he said he'd watch the kids while I went out for a rare night out with some old friends. He told me he had loads of work to do so he would need peace and quiet anyway. I am such a fool and now I feel sick knowing he sat on our bed doing that.