Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Dont involve work because the last thing you need right now is your income to perhaps drop.

And re finding out more - somtimes it doesnt help to find all there is to know because all it makes you do is wonder why he was able to do it.

One kiss or a hundred? Its just 99 more than the one that really mattered in this fiasco - the first one!

I know the urge to find out the truth, but at the same time you are just giving them the chance to say more hurtful things. You know enough now to see that he has taken away the "working on our marriage" option; keep away from the OW if you can, or keep it as short as you can, as you're not going to come out of a confrontation feeling better. It isn't just "like" a relationship, it is a relationship - though he will follow the script and tell you that it's nothing at all. He can't stand the truth either as it means admitting what a dirty shit he has been. This is a horrible time for you, and unfortunately there's little you can do to make it better apart from waiting for the worst to be over.

What Buzzard said. Harsh but true.

Take control of your financial situation asap. The last thing you need is for these bastards to bleed you dry. Get legal advice.

Ignore my advice about contacting his work I was angry on your behalf.
pocketsaviouir is right.

I don't think the Companies are really that bothered about this sort of lowlife behaviour.

He replied saying he's deleted the messages and won't tell me what the content was as I don't need to know that. He said he made it very clear last night when telling me that the messages where inappropriate, sexual and even the early Flirty ones would probably be considered crossing the line.

He said he didn't want me to get hurt as I don't deserve that I didn't do anything wrong or to drive him away. He said it just happened and he wasn't expecting it to become this. It started out as him thinking about her occasionally especially after brief chats in the office he's always think "I miss chatting to x" then when the oppeetunity to be close and chat every day came up again he relaised she enjoyed his company too and after he tested the water with the firting he was sure she liked him too. Apparently you can't help how you feel about some people!!
I asked him again of this meant he has feelings for her and to stop avoiding the ducking question. He said he does have feelings for her obviously initially it was mainly a friendly thing with some minor (turned into major) attraction but he says he's realised she means more too him than that. Especially when this other guys seriously started sniffing around w said he hadn't felt jealously like that for such a long time.

As a previous poster suggested I said maybe that's because his ego was hurt that she wasn't confining her attentions to him and he said no that wasn't it it was an ego thing he realised he liked her a lot and didn't want her seeing someone else.

I think I have my answer. I've left it with me saying that his cuisines clearly state he has no interest in saving our marriage

His response was sorry

OP, what are you hoping for from this meeting with OW?

If it's to say "you're welcome to him. I deserve more than a spineless cheat but you obviously have lower standards. Good luck" then that's one thing.

If it's more details to torture yourself with or to beg her Jolene-style to leave him alone, please think twice.

Don't email the photos to their work addresses. Any emails to and from work addresses can legally be seen by HR/IT departments and shots like that could set off a filter and hence be looked at. DH losing his job won't help anyone at the moment.

I took so long reading the thread I have missed two updates and x-posted with people, oops.

Okay, heartbreaking, but you know where you stand

He wants out...so be it. Pack his bags, leave them on doorstep, contact a solicitor

The time for crying is when dcs are in bed...you need to be strong and practical now, this could get nasty

ravenmum - I think it's the OP's friend who is coming over after work, I hope that's the case anyway.

I don't think the OP will send the photos, I get the feeling she is more methodical than to do something like that in haste.

Just to say that sending those photos could get you in trouble, the law has changed and any explicit photos sent for revenge purposes, regardless of the circumstances carry possible prosecution.

Ah got it - phew.

OP, I would never normally say rush into a decision but I do think you need legal advice today and if he is giving every indication that he's out of the marriage you need to seize control.

Please stop asking him for details and answers. Leave his bag on the doorstep and go no contact until Friday (and then review).

Yes sorry it's my friend who's coming over after work I wasn't very clear in my reply.

I have no intention of talking to the OW ever. I remember once thinking she sounds like a nice girl and as our kids where similar ages DH (and other work friends of his) always mentioned how it was a shame she wasn't at x event so we could meet and how they thought we'd be friends.

What a mug. I suddenly thought maybe it's been going on a lot longer than I realised maybe tahtastbwhy she split with her long term partner buy my DH swears that it stared after Christmas and they where just friends before that.

Vivacia

Please stop asking him for details and answers. Leave his bag on the doorstep and go no contact until Friday (and then review).

Agree. I've got a sneaking suspicion that hot girl will back track very quickly when Mr stud is freely available & skint through supporting two homes.

I read somewhere, that people who fall into affairs can't think of themselves as cheats etc. They therefore have to come up with an explanation as to why they would do such a thing, that paints them in a good light.

An example of this, is making themselves believe their marriage was terrible, focusing on all the negatives over the years etc, or, telling themselves that they would only have an affair if they were madly in love. She must be my soul mate or why else would I have done it.

I suspect your dh is in the 2nd camp. Brought on by the fact that half the office fancy her and she is interested in him. This has made him feel mighty special indeed.

If I were you, I would put a big pin in his little bubble. I would be emailing him, that I have talked over the phone with a solicitor. I will be divorcing him for adultery, I will be asking to stay in the house until the dt's are 18 and I've looked on CSA calculator online and you can expect to pay this much child maintenance. POP

Even if the deluded prick still thinks, I'll get to be with my wank fodder, it will at rhe very least probably put a dampner on his day.

I really hope she doesn't actually want him. And I hope you don't eventually too. ((()))

fairy how can you cope with the idea he's leaving you for her?! I know that's a horrible question to ask but from all he's said I think I may very well be in the same situation and I can't understand how on earth I'll be able to wake up each day knowing he's with her and he's happy and he chose her over me

I've been trying not to think about it fool myself that it was Alex a cheep thrill but he's made it clear he has feelings for her and I think I'd be the bigger hats fool ever not to realise that when (not if) he leaves it will be to go straight into her arms

Ophelia, read sassandfaff's advice!

If I were you, I would put a big pin in his little bubble. I would be emailing him, that I have talked over the phone with a solicitor. I will be divorcing him for adultery, I will be asking to stay in the house until the dt's are 18 and I've looked on CSA calculator online and you can expect to pay this much child maintenance. POP

Does the idiot even realize what he could lose? You should be reminding him.
Do so in a calm, cool, matter of fact manner.
Save anger for another time.
I'm impressed with how calm you are being through this whole mess (((())))
You are being way too 'nice' to him. Lay it on the line.

Yes, stop talking to him.

He's not the 'him' you know, or knew, any more - or at least at the moment. He's behaving like this as he's completely switched off to you right now - you don't matter. He's engulfed by it. He won't be for long, by the way - reality will bite - and he'll come to and it's probably then that the more 'normal' reactions you might have expected will start. The real sorrys, the horror etc. Hopefully, by then you'll be well past this point and will simply look at him, no words to be said, and shut the door in his face.

You know what you need to know. The far FAR more important issues now are those to do with protecting you and your children. Make copies of all bank account details, his salary, pensions etc. GET HIS NATIONAL INSURANCE NUMBER! Joint account - lock it down, take everything out if possible and move it to yours. Etc.

You won't get through this - but nor should you want to. He's done you a favour, really, in getting to this point while your children are so small, and you can start again. He's not a keeper and never as - weak, deluded, insincere, flaky, cruel, selfish. This is what he is when the chips are down. No decent woman would want this for a husband. It's awful and painful but at least you know now. In ten years, you'll be looking back at this and thinking THANK GOD!

Get all the financial stuff absolutely sorted, then tell him he's out, and you'll be talking to a solicitor about staying in the house, getting onto CSA, etc. Any nonsense with him saying he's not leaving - tell him if he doesn't you'll be sending a few enlightening emails to a few people. And tell him he also wants to think about how a dated picture proving that he was viewing and sending porn when he was in sole charge of the children might look when it comes to discussing access arrangements, if he wants to start throwing his weight around there. I'd also be making a puzzled comment along the lines of - how strange that it was only when she showed that she was actually sniffing round half the office for a shag partner that he got mega interested! Most men would have felt a bit used and taken for a ride at that point, but he realised how much he liked her and got jealous of her because she showed that she was up for it with the first one in the queue?? Err, ok!

But above all, detach. He's a worm. You simply need to get rid of the infestation asap.

I am so sorry you (and others) are going through this. I understand the reluctance to tell your mum BUT there is no shame at all. You have not done anything wrong, his failure to keep his vows is his issue and no doubt related to ego. Sadly having seen friends go through similar in their marriages the common factor seems to be man or woman's emotional immaturity and sense of entitlement.The thrill of the chase and the infatuation stage seems to be more important that the stability of a long standing relationship. None of the partners 'caused' the affair by their behaviour.

I'm glad you have confided in your friend and if your mum is someone you usually have a good relationship lean on her. I have a daughter and I couldn't bear the thought that she was going through this without me.

Best thing he could do is go straight to her!

Flirty stuff in the office and sneaky blowjob thrills up against the printer? Great.

Embarrassed conversations over breakfast about how he's going to be out at McDonalds this evening for his hour's access, while his phone keeps ringing off the hook with his mother crying and screaming at him what the hell has he done to the family? Not so sexy. Not for her, either.

Waiting for the thrill of seeing each other first thing, deciding what to wear etc and what to quip for that first coffee of the morning? Great.

Driving in together knowing full well what each other had for breakfast and what time they pooed it out, with him having seen half the makeup application and her knowing exactly what pants he's wearing because she saw him pick them off the radiator? Not so much.

Have you been to see a lawyer yet? I would do that it will help you get your ducks in a row.

Are you a SAHM?

From the sounds of their friendly non deleted messages I think she might have quite liked this other guy but considered him a bit young especially as she has a child so she wasn't sure it would work out. H made it very clear he thought it was a bad idea. It's just heart breaking to re read some of those innocent messages knowing what was going on! When they're talking about there days and what they've (we'd) done that day! How could he sit there chatting away about me and the kids with this woman knowing he was thinking about and eventually screwing her.

I've told him I want him out today. He said he's booked a hotel for tonight Close to work but will leave early today to come and get more stuff. I asked why only one night and that I hope he didn't think he could come back after that. He said no just that he had other arrangements for the week it was just tonight he'd need a hotel.

I'd be a complete idiot to think that means he's not staying with her

We have a joint account and I have my savings account. I know where most of the important paper work is. He owns our house so I'm not sure where i stand on that.

Sylvanian

Great post

Plus looking after three toddlers at a weekend won't be a bundle of laughs.