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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/04/2015 08:31

If he compares her 'easygoing' relationship with her ex with you just say "so her ex was shagging someone at work behind her back too? - nice circles you mix in now..."

fourquenelles · 23/04/2015 08:33

I am delurking to throw my weight behind those who say do not meet him today. As others have said :

  • it is too early for this sort of discussion
  • you need to feel that you have some control over what is happening
  • HE IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU

Tell him to put his proposals in writing in an email and you will consider what he has to say. You will have taken some control back. He needs to see that he cannot drive this anymore.

This is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. No matter what he says (or how you may feel because you are a caring, normal human being) it is NOT unreasonable.

The money in the joint account is as much yours as his. I have a feeling that he will get even more entitled and you do need to protect yourself and your DTs.

Slowtrain2dawn · 23/04/2015 08:36

I definitely feel someone else should be with you Ophelia if you are going to talk at all. I would be worried he will feel the need to keep mentioning OW and justifying himself. This will make discussing finances impossible. Stuff on doorstep and email about finances sounds much better for you. He is using your pain and confusion to decide the pace of things. The way he talks about women "goods" and" wank fodder" tells me he does not respect us as human beings. He does not have the right to decide how things progress. He has broken the marriage contract. He has hurt and deceived you. I feel utter contempt for him. Don't agree to anything. Let him live in limbo, not knowing how much maintenance he will be paying for a while. I know you will want to reasonable for the sake of the twins but it's early days. Let him sweat.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:40

Silly question but if I start a new thread how do I link to it?? I've seen others do it

OP posts:
however · 23/04/2015 08:42

Don't worry about that. Start one, and someone will do it for you. x

Tinytillytot · 23/04/2015 08:46

I've read your thread from the start and I'm angry on your behalf. He is a cold hearted bastard and what a horrible shock it must be for you to find out after all these years. I'm delurking to agree that you should delay seeing him if possible. At this early stage you may somewhere have a little hope that maybe if you see him and he sees you and remembers what he's losing then he may come to his senses and stop hurting you. This isn't the way it's going to pan out . If you see him today you will feel worse than you do now. Watching him leave again will tear you up. Sorry to be blunt but I've been there and wish someone had warned me. Can you go to your mum's today? Can you leave the latch on the front and leave out the back so he can't let himself in to get his stuff? Fuck him!!!

parsnipbob · 23/04/2015 08:50

Relating this to my parents situation- dad leaving my mum for her best friend, many years ago - and getting angrier by the second. OP you are a strong, wonderful woman and mother and you will get through this. Don't cut him any slack. You call the shots from now on. He deserves no consideration from you and no goodwill x

parsnipbob · 23/04/2015 08:51

PS I would also change the locks.

GERTI · 23/04/2015 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 09:00

In the spirit of dusting myself off and learning how to do new thin shanks cope I've worked out how to link new thread Here

OP posts:
Dumdedumdedum · 23/04/2015 09:09

OpheliaRose, I'm also delurking, to echo fourquenelles advice. Whip up that righteous anger! Do what suits you. Please don't let him continue to think that you will ask "how high?" when he tells you to jump. You must call the shots, not him.
And get those blonde highlights done asap! Your new haircut sounds great!

chocolatefingersandtoes · 23/04/2015 09:18

OP, I think you are doing SO WELL!! Go girl!!Flowers

Dumdedumdedum · 23/04/2015 09:20

fourquenelles's advice. Blush

Phoenix0x0 · 23/04/2015 09:50

Please please don't meet him on your own.

If you do meet him with another person, get in control by dictating the time etc.

I second packing up his stuff....if you don't want to be dramatic about it just put his clothes into liners and put beside the door I would not be able to contain myself and would have it strewn all over the front of the house

The money is half yours, but it is also your children's money!

SingingHinnies · 23/04/2015 09:53

You have got nothing to be embarrassed about, remember that, you have done nothing wrong.

Do not discuss finaces if you dont want to, its literally been daya since you found out DAYS.

Tell him you are seeking legal advice, finances will be sorted out through yoir solicitor, tell him you have no idea as a wife and mother what you are entitled to as you stayed at home to look after the children so he could work, you have checked the official guidelines and your solicitor will be drawing up what tour legally entitled to.

Be very careful he doesn't try and have you removed from the family home so he can move his new family in by saying stuff like he paid the mortgage.

You are on the backfoot, he has OW probably telling him what to do, protect yourself and the children

Tell him DB will drop his clothes of, whats the address where he wants them taken. Tell him finances will be sorted out when your solicitor advises you what your entitled to and what the DTs are entitled to.

He has no right to come to your family home, he knows exactlly what hea doing, your vulnerable and hes moving faat

LunacyPays · 23/04/2015 09:54

Please don't see him tonight - you are too vulnerable and upset. He is trying to wrong-foot you at every turn. Leave his stuff on the door step and don't talk to him. Maybe ask your brother or a friend to be with you for moral support. Any financial discussions that he wants to have should be in writing so that you have a very clear record of where you stand.

DayLillie · 23/04/2015 10:02

Sorry - delurking - do not comment on these threads usually.

You have had a lot to take in and it has not been any where like a week.

He knew what he was doing and is several steps ahead of you.

The OW knows how to get things HER OWN WAY - she has EXPERIENCE - she is not your role model. He ex may be 'easy going' because he has been stuffed.

Tell him you are getting a solicitor to deal with it and will not meet/agree anything until this is in place.

Go and see your mother and have some down time from all of this. You have gone from 0-60 in virtually no time at all, you need a break.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 23/04/2015 10:04

I agree that it is too soon to have any sort of discussion re finances without independent professional advice.

That said, if you have time today, could you draft up a letter to the bank naming all your joint accounts and joint credit cards to ensure that no withdrawals are permitted without both signatures , effective 23/04/2015. Get him to sign it later and show him out.

I have been there (my amazingly inconsiderate h decided he would buy a very very expensive piece of jewellery for me for Christmas to show me his 'commitment' when I had thrown him out only weeks earlier. Thoughtful, eh? Hmm)

SingingHinnies · 23/04/2015 10:08

Just read post back reads terrible bloody phone

Sausagerollers · 23/04/2015 10:35

Just wanted to chip in and reiterate you should not see your H tonight and discuss finances.

If a stranger knocked at the door tonight, would you let them in to discuss your bank details, how much you should have to live on each month, your pension, mortgage etc? of course you wouldn't.

It seems simple to have a sit down discussion with you H about finances, but HE IS NOT THE MAN YOU MARRIED!

I guarantee you would not have married a cheating skank of a man, so the man you find yourself shackled to is a stranger, you do not know him, you cannot trust him, so do everything via a third party.

Ask him to put his thoughts about finances in an email and you will discuss them with your solicitor. Tell him you'll bag up his stuff and get it to him via your DB or some other method. Pease do not trust him to be honourable about the finances as he is clearly not an honourable man.

Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly.

Justusemyname · 23/04/2015 10:44

It's not stealing. Half that money is yours. It is NOT for him to decide what he will deign to give you.

Hexbramble · 23/04/2015 19:33

OP how are things today?

CaveMum · 23/04/2015 19:59

OP us now over on the new thread, linked in her last post.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 23/04/2015 20:11

Just want to send my good thoughts and love to you op. Been where you are- without kids, I hasten to add, and it was awful. Can't imagine how awful it must be for you.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 25/04/2015 11:47

Ophelia you go girl and DO print everything off.

Your DTs will be such a comfort to you- at the end of the day when he left you he also left his children and they will always remember that.
He has lost them already despite whether he is deluding himself that all will be hunky dory - it won't be. He will take this to his grave Ophelia and I don't doubt that he will become a lonely old man. You however how so many enriching experiences with your DT to look forward to - they are only 2 at the moment and I can promise you ,you will feel blessed every day by having nurtured such amazing beautiful little creatures . He will miss out on so much with them.
You heart really will be bursting with love for them- however his is rotten to the core.

You will grow through this - in fact my user name "blessed&grateful" I created within a few weeks of my H doing exactly the same as yours.

Remember 1 day at a time x

Sending hugs my lovely .

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