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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
SuchSweetSorrow · 19/04/2015 23:11

Oh shit, I am so sorry. What an awful shock for you.

Do you have anyone who can support you? Family, friends? We of course all here for you- there is some truly fantastic support on this forum.

And I am most sure nobody is laughing at you- if anyone knew they would be thinking what sad, vile pricks they both are.

ambientolf · 19/04/2015 23:15

I echo what other posters have said, even if they did know - they wouldn't be laughing. They would probably be thinking that the both of them are disgusting (which they are). It's so easy to feel ashamed when this happens, but there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.. you have done nothing wrong! Nobody is laughing at you, trust me.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 19/04/2015 23:16

Like an alcoholic downplays the amount they drink, I'd be fairly certain they've had more sex than just the once - I think he knows he's caught and admitted to what he thinks he can get away with.

I'd be sick to my stomach. Hope you're ok OP.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 19/04/2015 23:17

Ophelia I know this might be tmi but when I found out , I actually lost control of my bladder and wee'd myselfSad.

I was an evil cow too and waited he fell asleep - I then took his phone and his bank card - hid them - and only gave him his phone back at the point when he left.

There was NO way he was going to texting that bitch under my roof.

The next day I dragged him to the cashpoint - took out what I needed food wise for me and the DC and then threw him out.

He had destroyed everything that was sacred to me.

SuchSweetSorrow · 19/04/2015 23:24

I want to give you a big hug after reading that Blessed!

You sound like a strong woman to me. I hope you're ok now Flowers

Fontella · 19/04/2015 23:25

You walked past the spare room and he's on his phone. Shock

Of course he's talking to her the bastard. He's just blown your world apart, two little ones in the house ... and this selfish prick is sat their talking to his girlfriend?

I'd tell him to get his lying, cheating arse out of the house if he wants to talk to his mistress. How dare he? After what's just happened?

Don't stand for it OP tell the fucker to get out - now!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 23:26

He just came to our room to get some clothes for work tomorrow so he doesn't have to disturb me in the morning.

He said he was sorry if he'd hurt me, he didn't want me to find out like this. Something in the way he said it made me snap. Didn't want me to find out like this!? Does that mean he was planning to tell me the whole time had it got that far or did he mean that he just didn't want me to find out full stop so he could carry on looking like Mr Nice guy while having OW on the side.

He apparently doesn't have an answer for that, like he told me at first there was no intention of it actually becoming physical. It was all fantasy and "wank fodder". He told me that he never thought it would get that far because she is a nice girl and he honestly didn't think she'd be interested.

I've asked him to leave work early tomorrow come home and pack a bag. He can stay in a hotel or with friends until I decide what happens next. He said he completely understands that's how I feel and will do what he can to make it easier for me.

What does that mean!? make it easier for me to end our marriage or make it easier for me to understand, forgive and try to save our family.

I asked him if he'd spoken to her today, he said he hadn't but that he will see her in work tomorrow. I don't know how I will cope knowing he's there with her all day. I know from when he changed jobs that they sit fairly close together not close enough they can talk without going to each other desk but I remember being grateful she was there when he started because he said he didn't know anyone else really in that area but he could see her from his desk so at least there was a friendly face near by

OP posts:
Fontella · 19/04/2015 23:31

Did he say who he was talking to on the phone when you saw him in the in the spare room?

SouthWestmom · 19/04/2015 23:36

It sounds like he wants out doesn't it? I'm really sorry, what a crap thing for him to do to you.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 23:41

I asked him to show me his phone to prove he hasn't spoken to her tonight.

There are no text from her, he claims to not even have her number apparently all their communication is in person, over Facebook or through office internal messenger.

There were a few messages from his mates who he was with earlier but how can someone be that cold! This happens and all you can do is text your friends like nothing has happened.

I feel utterly defeated right now, I've told him I can't sleep because all these scenario are going round my head. He swears blind that they only had full sex once just after Easter because that's the only opportunity they had for that but he has admitted that they had oral sex again Monday and Tuesday.

OP posts:
SuchSweetSorrow · 19/04/2015 23:42

What he isn't saying speaks volumes.

He should be talking, apologising, begging, promising to be open and do everything you ask of him Angry

SuchSweetSorrow · 19/04/2015 23:43

Bastard.

Keep yourself strong for your little twins. I hope you get some support sweetheart

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 23:48

I don't even know if I can talk to my friends. I feel like such an idiot always banging on about what an amazing DH I have and how lucky we where to have found each other.

I feel like such a fool - I wouldn't say I rub my happy marriage in others faces but I've got a few friends who've told me how much they wish they could have a DH who adores them as much as mine does. Apparently it was all an act because there is no way someone who loved me as much as all our friends and family think he does could do this to me

OP posts:
LucieMay88 · 19/04/2015 23:48

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. You will be better off without him and you will see that in the future when you're feeling better. If he is sitting in there deciding whether to choose you or her, you should be hoping he chooses her because if he was a decent man there wouldnt be a choice in the first place.

She is a horrible person too. She must know he has a wife and children. They deserve each other and you deserve to get rid of him and have a happy life with your little twins.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 23:51

LucieMay88 she most definitely knows about his family! She has a child who's 3 turning 4 this year. I remember because she signed our congratulations on your baby card when the twins where born and even gave DH some old toys that her child hadn't played with much but where too nice / expensive to just get rid of.

OP posts:
Fontella · 19/04/2015 23:53

This happens and all you can do is text your friends like nothing has happened.

Well it's marginally better than him calling her from your house after you just having found it. I'd have gone fucking berserk.

He sounds an incredibly cold fish the way he's describing it all. They had oral sex Monday and Tuesday. And she's a 'nice girl'. Yeah so nice she gives blow jobs to married men in the office.

And he's sorry 'if' he's upset you. 'if' Shock

I'm read some reactions of the men on here who have been confronted by their wives, but nothing quite like your H.

Fontella · 19/04/2015 23:54

What ... has she got got a partner/husband OP?

LucieMay88 · 19/04/2015 23:54

Well then, she's just as selfish as him if she's willing to break up a family for the sake of an ego boost and few fumbles with a married man. I hope it all comes back on her. Is she married too?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 00:09

she's not married.

I know because when we went for a work Christmas meal with his old area one of the other guys in his old team was talking about how he'd recently found out she'd split with her long term partner in early 2014 and how he'd always had a crush on her. He was asking one of the girls from DH old team for info because her and OW are pretty close.

I remember feeling sorry for her at the time because all of them always had such nice things to say about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 20/04/2015 00:16

Fontella I don't know if he's a cold fish or if other people have said that he's already checked out of the marriage and moved on to her.

I think I would feel better if he'd give me some indication she was just a cheap and easy thrill but he's not. He's pretty much defended her by saying she's a nice girl, he started it, didn't think she'd go for it.

I feel like I'm going to throw up right now. we've been together 12 years how can some woman make him feel like that is worth risking!? I've not met her but I know DH and other work friends of his have always spoken highly of her, she sounds very funny and friendly and I've now seen pictures she is pretty with curves in all the right places Sad i can see why men would find her attractive but the way he talks about how he realised he missed talking to her and how they talk daily is just the worst. How can some other women be that important to him

OP posts:
StartWhereYouStand · 20/04/2015 00:31

Oh no what a harrible thing to happen OP.
I was in a similar position to you 2 yrs ago when I found out about my (now ex) husband's affair. He too was a lying, selfish bastard who showed no remorse.

I echo the other who say kick him out but I understand that it just isn't always that easy. I know how you feel ashamed, I did too, but you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. HE made the choice to cheat, HE decided to put his selfish need for a bit of an ego boost above you and the kids, HE should be feeling ashamed..........and yet he is texting his mates. What does that show you?

My best advice is to find someone in RL who can support you. Do you have a family member or friend who you can tell and could help you? Someone who will just hold your hand and listen while you go round and round things in your head. You will need practical help too because this emotional wrecking ball hits hsrd. Anything that anyone can do e.g watch the kids, cook you tea, do some washing. Believe me, you will appreciate it becuase going through this hurts like hell.
However you sound like a strong person and I am sure you will get through this. There are (sadly) many of us on MN who have been where you are and are now out the other side and living a better life; now is the time to think about YOU and your lovely children.

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/04/2015 00:58

What you are going through resonates with me, I'm almost divorced now.

You have handled it so well but tomorrow, you tell him to go and have no contact with him until you are ready.

While he is at work tomorrow, go through whatever papers he has and take copies, life insurance, wills, bank statements, payslips, anything you can find - you might need this information.

Please tell people, you will need a support network around you. If you work, try and get some time off to allow yourself to deal with this shock.

He is cold! First telling you that it was merely wank fodder and then telling you that they didn't have the opportunity for full sex more than once.

I'm not into revenge but I wonder what his work policy is against adultery and sex on their premises?

sykadelic · 20/04/2015 01:36

She is not a "nice girl". She's a woman who had sex with a man she knew was married and whose wife she knew (even if it was in passing)... which is the worst kind of OW in my opinion.

Because I'm a spiteful bitch, I'd look into whether this is a breach for his company. Especially having sex in the office. I'd probably mention times and dates in case there are cameras they can check. I'd also probably do it anonomously.

Depending how strong you are I'd also probably go into work and thank her for showing you what a dickhead your husband is for f*cking him and sucking him off at work after hours. Nice and loud. Or at least I'd gain great pleasure from thinking about it. She should feel shame just as he should. Perhaps mention it to the office gossip.

He's already moved on. I wouldn't make it easy on either of them.

Postchildrenpregranny · 20/04/2015 02:06

I assume neither of you has had much by way of previous relationships if you have been together since A levels ?Is this him doing what a lot of men get out of their system in their teens/early twenties? The thrill of it all .As opposed to the predictable and familiar. Not that it excuses him.
I have never been in this position, thank god, but a friend's husband had (an office ) affair when they had been married 13 years . It lasted a further 15 m after she found out .But they reconciled, had a child and are still together, apparently happily, 27 years later. A lot depends on how much he values you , your children and your life together.
I would try and stay calm (easier said than done but I suspect you ae still in shock), ask him to leave, at least temporarily , and think through what he wants to do . And consider what you want to do- whether you could forgive and forget if he does show remorse. And yes, protect yourself financially- I take it you are a SAHM- get legal advice (try your local CAB). I'd echo trying to get some RL hand holding (I hand held plenty for the afore mentioned friend. It was hard as I was actually very fond of her H)
I certainly would not go for revenge . He is your childrens' father, however he has behaved . He will be legally required to support the children at least .You can't afford for him to get the sack .

Vivacia · 20/04/2015 06:41

ask him to leave, at least temporarily , and think through what he wants to do

Why? It's clear what he wants to - cheat with this woman and then refer to her as "wank fodder".

I'm afraid I too would be tempted to go in to his work, claim not to know her name, say he only refers to her as WankFodder...