Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

I would have walked over and said

'I hear you are good at blow jobs'

Dh would have probably tripped over himself to defend her and then the jig would have been up with the colleagues.

OP have just read through the thread and just want to say you are worth so much better than this guy. I'm in awe of your bravery dealing with this. You do not deserve what has happened to you, never forget that. Keep strong.

Try and refrain from texting or calling him, it will all be adding to the 'Me and Her Against the World' drama that they're currently getting off on. Let them get to the boring, dull, socks on the radiator monotony as soon as possible.

I would hope after all this that you wouldn't want him back now. Most cheating men at least have the courtesy to pretend to feel guilty. This guy seems to feel you're unreasonable not to send him off with a congratulatory pat on the back!

Let the OW enjoy her 'prize', it won't be long before she's back on her knees in the stationery cupboard or he finds another pair of doe eyes that make him feel he's the only man in the world. YOU deserve better!

I was shaking when I read DB messages. He's said since that H has asked to meet him for a drink to
Explain. DB showed me his response which was basically we can meet but I know what you've done so there is no point putting a spin on it.

Apparently DH respects him too much as a friend to lie to him So is happy to meet and explain his actions.

lots of pictures of him having fun with work friends and OW. I clicked the little arrow and chose I don't want to see this so hopefully stuff like that will stay off my timeline (I'm not strong enough to delete or block him yet!)

My friend popped over briefly after work but honestly I wasn't up for company so asked her if she's mind leaving. In the end I watched a dvd in the dark which in a weird way was the most peace I've had for the last few days.

Going to try eating some instant noddles and getting a decent nights sleep.

I don't know if I can face tomorrow I hate going to bed by myself and waking up alone. Sometimes I wake up and think is all been a bad dream and then I realise he isn't there and it's actually happening

Can you make plans to do nice things for yourself? Buy yourself a gorgeous bunch of flowers to look at first thing, start making mood boards for redecorating, whatever you think might lift your spirits. Put a big squashy teddy on the other side of the bed if you don't like it to be empty. Maybe consider getting a pet for company in the house if you have time for it? You need distractions and treats right now.

GatoradeMeBitcH no I don't think I'd take him back now. Honestly when I just suspected something was up I thought I could forgive and forget an emotional affair or some dirty talk because I wouldn't want to rip my family apart for a lapse in judgment and then even when I found out it was a physical affair I thought to myself if he's sorry I might kick him out for a bit and make him work to get us back but we can get trough this but he's made it clear he doesn't want our family anymore he's "got feelings" for the OW. Even with how utterly wretched I feel I couldn't forgive him not even trying to fight for our family.

I haven't messaged him but it's taken all my will power and digging my nails into my palm! Because he's already made me feel utterly worthless and pathetic I refuse to give him that last tiny ounce of my dignity.

Ophelia, I'm worried that in this carnage, while you're still trying to get your head around what he has done, that he is slowly pulling the rug from under you even more.

Secure your finances as soon as you can.

Your dignity is inspiring.

I am so interested to see how he is going to explain}_

1. blow jobs in cupboard
2. shagging in hotel
3. wanking in your bed with her pictures
4. leaving you
5. leaving kids
6. trying to turn it on you
7. planning life with ow before he had even left

OP I used to relish that split second when I woke up and reality hadn't sunk in that I had to get through the most miserable time of my life. But it gets easier every day. You've just got to be patient.

I was 35 when I left my abusive cheating bully of an ex H, he told me I'd be nothing without him. 3 years later I've got an amazing job, great friends, I went to Ibiza the first summer after I left him and I wouldn't take back a single part of the past 3 years.

And finally I've got a partner who is the most amazing man in the world and he loves the bones of me.

What GatoradeMeBitch said about doing nice things for yourself. Please make sure that you do at least one thing a day just for you. Doesn't matter what it is... even if it's just something simple - do it. A nice scented bath, flowers, anything.

And remember that you have a lot of people behind you, and with you, on here.

OP you've had such a terrible thing happen but please believe me when I say you are well shot of him - he is a truly appalling man. And as for the OW - she is a dick!!

Take as much care of yourself as you can - dye your hair, take your twins out in this lovely weather, plan drinks with your friend - start making memories that do not feature that vile pair.

See the solicitor and make a stand - and maybe even think about moving to somewhere new when you can. Hold your head high and don't give him or his family or her any satisfaction of seeing you upset.

It will be tough but in the long run you'll be glad you got rid of him - you deserve - and will get so much better than this

Lots of inspirational stories on here Ophelia
Your doing brilliantly, we're all here holding your hand for support.
You WILL come out the other side

Reading this thread is almost unbearable.

This guy only left two days ago and he's plastering his fucking life all over Facebook - beer in sunshine, out with friends and his mistress ... while his wife of 12 years is alone at home devastated and heartbroken.

It almost defies belief that anyone can be this fucking cruel and callous. Where's your anger Ophelia and why the hell aren't you telling the world what this bastard is doing!!!!

Even the text to your brother "I respect you too much as a friend to lie to you and am 'happy to meet and 'explain' my actions' is like something out of a second rate movie script!"

What he didn't say was ..... but I don't respect your sister, which is why I've been cheating on her fuck knows how long with my girlfriend over there, and am now treating her like absolute shit by rubbing her nose in it. "

He's treating you with utter contempt Ophelia, it's like he's reveling in it!

It almost sounds like fiction it is that unbelievable. The reaction of his mother ... the way this bastard is going about his life like he's done nothing wrong ... he's out socialising like a fucking 20 year old instead of a 12 year married father of two with all that entails.

And now it sounds like he's is going to try and smarm his way round your brother. I hope to Christ your bro reads him the riot act I really do ... because someone needs to. He needs bringing down to earth with an almighty bang ... and at the moment it's just not happening.

I really feel for you and I think you're doing amazingly well. He should be ashamed of himself. Don't think for a second that people aren't secretly judging him because they will be. Lucky her, she's got herself a real catch because it'll be her he cheats on next.

I found it hard to detach from my ex. I found it difficult to block him on Facebook too but you will come to a point when enough is enough. I had to see photos of my ex with his new woman (who I later discovered he cheated on me with, while she was married) and all of our mutual friends laughing and smiling in one of my favourite restaurants. It hurt a lot but it showed me who was there for me and who wasn't. After that I blocked them all (including the mutual friends) and it was much easier.

You are so lucky to be free of someone like that. Thank god that you now know his true character and at 30 years old, you have the perfect opportunity to find someone who deserves you.

Don't give in and message/call him!! Don't give him and ow something else to bond over.

Fontella has just summed up exactly what I and probably all of us reading this thread are thinking...

His behaviour is absolutely appalling, disgraceful, disgusting and despicable. It is almost like he is devoid of emotion...how can he not be on his knees begging your forgiveness, not be apologising, crying, devastated at what he has put you through, what he has lost, the impact on you and your family, but instead to not only be stepping instantly into a new life but to rub your face in it with photos on Facebook. He should be doing everything he can to protect your emotions, it is really awful to see him treating you this way.

You will look back and see what a nasty piece of work he really is. And surely there must have been examples of him behaving inconsiderately through your relationship, although you may not be able to see these at the minute.

Please block him on Facebook, take away that temptation to see what he is Upto. Trust us...your future is so much brighter without him in it.

He does rather seem like he is enjoying this OP. The Facebook pictures would be the final straw. I would add a screenshot of their chats, tits and jizz shots to the comments box and link the dates to your life events as a family, (eg. 'This picture if your cock was taken the day before we went off on what you said was a fantastic holiday with the 2 boys.') What a horrible horrible man. Her self esteem must be in her boots too. Yuck yuck yuck.

I just can't believe he is the same man I've been married to for 12 years his actions are appalling. I'm starting to understand he's been "checked out of the marriage" for a while i assume it's why he tested the water and started to flirt & turn things inappropriate with her. Unjust wish he'd had the defencey to come to me then and say he wasn't happy or whatever it was that caused him to do it. I'm angry but can't seem to quite muster the strength to be angry.

It's like he's carry on with life as normal except he'll be going home to the OW although I doubt they want people to know that!

I used to love going to bed early there was smithing amazing about snuggling under the covers knowing you where finally going to get that precious sleep. Even if H didn't come with me it still felt great ... I've been in bed for a while now and just feel pathetic.

Ophelia your courage through this thread is tremendous. Keep going, you will come out other side and he will wake up when it's too late and realise what he's lost.

I'd say he's going through a midlife crisis, but 30 is hardly midlife. Whatever it is, he's had two months of being a teenager. It can't possibly last! What a total brainless idiot he is.

And very well done on the not texting. Stick with it. Not contacting him gives you the power. It will drive him crazy wondering why you've not been in contact. And he deserves a bit of that....

Would making a fake contact help so you can text them rather than your STBEH? I'm no good at techno stuff so not sure how it would work.

And you are not pathetic. You aren't the one needing their ego stroked in the stationery cupboard

Ophelia, don't worry about the anger not showing itself much. There are different stages of grief (for that's what this is) - anger is just one of them and will likely surface when you're feeling a bit stronger.

If you're struggling to sleep, could you take something gentle to help you relax a bit? Something like Kalms, or Nytol might help you to get a good night's sleep. Sleep is the one thing that will help to make you stronger and more able to feel as though you can deal with events as they occur.

Probably silly, but could you borrow one of the children's colouring books and do some of that before you go to sleep? Surprisingly, it can help (see 'Mindfulness'). Do something different; change your normal routine and if you can't sleep, get up and do something until you feel tired again.

Gerti they are fine we skunked earlier and they are having lots of fun staying with Nanny and grandad. They love it there as its s big house with a big garden with a okay house and swing set and they get spoiled rotten! It's them so much but il glad if the space right now. My mum suggested she come pick me up Friday so I dan spend the weekend at her house with the twins so I can see them but also have her support if I need it.

I think he's just trying to defuse the situation and elk over DB honestly. He has no respect for anyone otherwise he wouldn't have done what he did. It's all talk trying not to crack his nice guy image

OP, can recommend colouring if you can't sleep! Also, jigsaw puzzles. And making lists. During my last break up I had major insomnia. What worked for me was listing things in alphabetical order in my head, eg vegetables, countries, singers etc.

Heart goes out to you. You have been treated so badly xx

I'm telling you now op you have been so strong, i respect you totally!

Don't ever feel pathetic , they are pathetic my love, you are great!!

The hurt you feel, I know it!
But ATM it's you feeling it, it will pass chick! When are you going to see your twins???? My dd gave me so much comfort