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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 07:49

I don't really want to talk to him. He has too much control. I am a bit worried about money some posters have suggested I just take half the joint account but as it's mainly from his income I'm worried that looks like stealing

OP posts:
Ledkr · 23/04/2015 07:49

Remember too, you are some way through the first week since it all happened.
The worse bit is over, you will slowly heal from here, it will never get worse than the last few days.

sebsmummy1 · 23/04/2015 07:49

He wants to tie up lose ends as soon as possible so he knows what his wages are going to be per month and what he can afford to rent or contribute to his new household.

Wisteria1979 · 23/04/2015 07:51

Try to be on the front foot re finances - don't let him tell you how much he thinks you should get. I have no experience in this but is the calc gives you a baseline I would work out in detail how much you think you need for you and the twins to be comfortable. Break it down into categories and try to keep cool about it. The anger will help you massively but in a discussion about money try to keep calm as otherwise too easy to dismiss.

Ledkr · 23/04/2015 07:52

ophelia who looked after his kids while he earned "his money"
Take care of yourself financially as much as possible, he's broken your heart but you still need to live.
I made my x pay well over the odds at first until I sorted benefits and work.
Have you been through your bills yet to see what you can reduce.
I cancelled the big sky package, changed car insurance and stuff, I saved a fortune,

however · 23/04/2015 07:53

Then don't talk to him if you don't want to.

"Today isn't convenient. Put any financial proposals you have in an email and I'll consider it and get back to you."

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 07:54

sebs honestly that's what I was thinking. He obviously want to make sure the finances are I order so he can start on his new life.

I still don't see where he will
Live?! Surely if he's going to be spinning this tale about the OW he can't move in with her now! That would show everyone what a decieatful person he is although I guess no one has to know that's where he is living.

He did hint that his plan is to be with OW so I can't see him wanting to rent somewhere unless he does it as a short term cover. Rents are high in our area so it seems like a waste of money

OP posts:
Ubik1 · 23/04/2015 07:56

Yes - you need to watch finances, remember you need to tight now for your children. They only get more expensive as they get older. You need to make sure you get the best deal for them.

I know OW is painting her situation as very grown up and cool but it won't be the truth. And bringing new man with his own family into the mix may change all that.

knowledgeispower · 23/04/2015 07:57

Stealing? It's your money! Its a joint account. You are on a career break whilst this asshole climbs the career ladder.

I'd say the email suggestion is excellent. Text him in a little while and say you've set up a new email address and he can send you a financial proposal. You do not wish to discuss finances at this time in person.

GERTI · 23/04/2015 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weebirdie · 23/04/2015 08:02

Take your half of the money then tell him you will not be discussing anything financial till you have seem a lawyer.

Apart form that - do not connect with him at all.

Please listen to the women here who have been through this because right now you need to be listening to the voice of experience and not relying on your instincts as to what you should be doing next.

Weebirdie · 23/04/2015 08:04

Oh and have his things waiting for him outside when he gets there - show him who is calling the shots.

And for what its worth, I have a feeling the people he was out with last night dont know whats going on and if they do - they were only there for gossip.

I would be fuming if a pair of cheats tricked me into going out with them.

Jackw · 23/04/2015 08:05

Then don't meet him. You don't have to. One of the few positives about his behaviour is that you are now under no obligation to do what he wants and can make your own decisions about what you want. Don't worry about his rent/housing etc. His mess, his problem.

SignoraStronza · 23/04/2015 08:08

I'll second the email idea. Respond to him that he can give you his proposal laid out in an email.
Meanwhile, bin bag up every item of his clothing and possessions and have it ready for him in the garage when he comes round tonight. I'm sure your brother will be happy to be with you, ready in case he tries any attempt at conversation.
Disengage. Totally. Get down to the solicitor and file for divorce pronto. Name the ow. The papers can be served to his work address if you don't have one for his new residence.

GERTI · 23/04/2015 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 23/04/2015 08:10

OP, you need to be careful with the joint account. Someone I knew saw her ex pay for a holiday for him and OW out if their joint account, putting it in overdraft and she was jointly liable for the overdraft! Because her job forbids bad debts, she had to pay it.

Also, I wouldn't tell him you're considering going back to work. If he suggests it, calmly say it's nothing to do with him (because it isn't - maintenance doesn't take your income into account).

HE'S NOT ON YOUR TEAM.
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.

INeedABiggerBoat · 23/04/2015 08:16

Ophelia I have been reading your thread but haven't commented until now because I don't have the experience that some of these other ladies have. I am so, so upset on your behalf - he is a grade A cunt.

Please bear in mind that he is continually trying to put you on the back foot with all of this - rushing you along so that you don't have time to sort yourself out, or grieve, or get your ducks in a row. If you can bear to, please try to take back some of that power by doing what some of the other posters have suggested: tell him that you won't be discussing anything with him tonight, you'll leave his belongings on the doorstep and he can put a financial proposal to you in an email. It will not only give you a bit of much-needed breathing space; it will also start to put a tiny puncture in his feeling of power and control and 'everything is shiny and happy'-ness.

BalloonSlayer · 23/04/2015 08:16

I was a bit concerned about him saying that he would have the twins on Saturday "if you want or need him to" and you not wanting them to go.

I wonder if he might be trying to suggest you can't cope with them.

If so, may I suggest a leeetle white lie.

Say something like: "Oh no, they are only at my Mums as I was throwing up and couldn't eat. I thought I had a stomach upset and I couldn't cope with them catching it as I am on my own, so I asked Mum to have them. But it turns out/the Dr said that this is a normal reaction to what has happened seeing those photos etc, and I haven't got a bug at all. So, as I have missed out on time with the twins due to what you have done, I need this weekend to get the three of us back to normal. Sorry."

Also make liberal use of the words "clearly" and "obviously."

eg

Well clearly I will need to run this by my solicitor.

Obviously I am not going to make a decision on the spot.

Clearly you have been planning this for a long time

etc

(Remind him that if he wants to see the DC whenever he likes, the way to do that is to not walk out on them.)

crje · 23/04/2015 08:16

Don't give him the run of the house
It's not his home anymore.

Pack his clothes into bags
Feel free to dump a few favourites

Chat at kirchen table
Don't offer tea/ coffee
Could your brother come ?

He is a wanker
Treat him like one

KaputKiss · 23/04/2015 08:19

I really wouldn't meet him yet and definitely don't discuss finances. Please leave his things outside for him to collect for now. A dfriend recently went through something similar and by dragging her feet quite a bit has ended up coming out of it all quite well (kept the house etc). Your Dh wants to get things sorted quickly, so definitely don't do that.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/04/2015 08:21

Agree with pp- don't meet to discuss anything yet. It's Thursday, he only left a few days ago. You need time.

Vivacia · 23/04/2015 08:22

Depending upon how you feel either give him the line about about today not being convenient and to pop it in an email or, meet with him and just record what he says. Don't say anything, don't commit to anything, just tell him your lawyer's asked you to just record.

goshhhhhh · 23/04/2015 08:25

I agree - get him to give you an email proposal or if you have to see him get someine else to be there.

He is trying to rush you along. Don't let him.

magoria · 23/04/2015 08:25

Say no I am not ready yet.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/04/2015 08:26

Leave the stuff outside, get friend over- tell h today is not good.

He really really does think he's the boss of you, doesn't he?