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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Not sure how to cope

951 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/04/2015 19:47

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

OP posts:
Ubik1 · 23/04/2015 07:08

Nobody will think that you were not 'satisfying him.' He decided to have enter into a marriage and decided to have children . Now he has walked away.

People will
Judge him for that, not you.

And all this stuff about her 'turning him on,' is a product of all the secrecy And drama. He is writing himself a fantasy.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 07:11

Vivacia I know they don't but it's just the thoughts going round my head.

I don't want my twins to feel like I've stripped the house of Daddy but I think I'm going to have to take down some of the family pictures and ones of me and him it's just too painful. I was worried about the blank space it would leave behind taking down so many pictures so I'm planning on Going out to buy some new pictures to hang up in their place

OP posts:
Mrsbird311 · 23/04/2015 07:12

If he felt that strongly about her he should have ended things with you long before things got physical with her, of course things seem more of a turn on with her, that's her USP fun sexy time , bit like a good time girl or unpaid hooker, fun for a sneaky blow job in the cupboard but not for life, this girl broke up with a long term partner, whose to say it was her who finished it, maybe she isn't such fun to live with!!! I'm not sure she even feels the same as your husband about things, if she was that bang in love hed already be moved in, nah she's just parading around her trophy( some trophy) till she moves on to the next victim, kind of have to feel a bit sorry for her, what kind of person has to act so badly to make herself feel better, at least you know your a good person with your morals in the right place, it'll all sort itself out you'll see

Phoenix0x0 · 23/04/2015 07:13

Glad that you slept a little better.

I would also recommend mindfulness and would recommend listening to some hypnosis apps on your phone to help you sleep.

Your H is deluded. Does he really think DB and he will remain friends after this?

HoggleHoggle · 23/04/2015 07:16

Also wrt to your dbro and husband. My dad left my mum for ow and was best friends with my uncle (my mum's BIL)

My dad clearly expected that 'man to man' things would continue fine with my uncle. The first (and only) time they went out afterwards, my uncle told him to wipe the smile off his face after what he'd done to his children.

Any decent person will feel the same. If they don't you honestly are well shot of them.

Redorwhitejusthaveboth · 23/04/2015 07:16

He's doing this stupid 'love that no one else has known' and 'greatest passion ever' thing to justify in his own mind the terrible way he is behaving. It's extremely self centred and selfish and shows some narcissistic traits. Watch out for that - he will apply it to everything including finances so it is important you batten down the hatches with money.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 23/04/2015 07:20

he kept saying the stuff she said to him turned him more than he's ever been turned on before and he made it clear that once he's "sample the goods" he was permanently so turned on by her he couldn't get enough of her

So it is just about sex then. Regardless of how he tries to dress it up as something else to make him look less of a twat.

Also kind of refutes his "i did all the running" bull shit.

When the novelty wears off the two of them are going to be horrified at where they are - they'll probably keep telling themselves it's something great, but it'll crumble eventually. But unfortunately for him he's shown the kind of person he really is.

This smacks of him thinking with his dick. What an absolute idiot he is - throwing his marriage away for dirty talk and blow jobs. And to an extent, the ego boost would be not exactly forgiveable, but "understandable" as an error of judgement (sorry can't phrase it right) but his cruelty and lack of regard for you in handling this shows he's really not a nice man.

Wisteria1979 · 23/04/2015 07:23

Thinking of you this morning, have read from the start and can't believe how quickly things are moving for you - your head must be spinning. Agree with a pp who said go for a run (or something). It will make you feel strong and in control. But most importantly look after yourself, it's only been a couple of days and you are doing incredibly well.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 07:25

I think DH is just a bit warped by the OW break up as she has remained close friends with her ex and is even pretty friendly with his new gf! They go to lots of family events together, stuff with Mutual friends and kids parties. I think he's thinking that he can have this nice cosy situation as well. I don't know why OW and her ex broke up but I imagine if they're such good friends neither of them were snagging someone else!

When he told me the details of how he felt about OW he said he wasn't trying to hurt me just be honest as lying about it would hurt me more in the long run.

He's messaged me to say he's leaving for work now bit would like to come over later so we can discuss the finances and so he can pick up some more stuff for the weekend.

OP posts:
however · 23/04/2015 07:29

Ophelia, she hasn't smelled his stinky breath in the mornings, she doesn't see his skid marks on the toilet, she doesn't see him scratching his balls. Likewise he hasn't seen her half asleep on the couch, snoring with her mouth open, or heard her fart on the toilet. The fantasy will soon fade to reality and he'll realise what he has lost. Hopefully you'll have picked yourself up by then and suggest that he lay down on the bed he made.

Balloon Slayer is spot on. I promise you, nobody will think highly of him. Sure, people will continue to work with him, go to the pub with him, life will go on. I can assure you they won't be thinking that he's lucky he got away from you. You have young twins for goodness sake! I have twins. It's hard! Really hard! Those first few years are tough. Nobody's marriage is perfect with young babies. He did this. Him. Not you.

however · 23/04/2015 07:31

Have you seen a lawyer yet? Might be a good idea to do that before you agree anything with him.

Mrsbird311 · 23/04/2015 07:32

I imagine she made sure she remained friends with her ex and pretends to like his new partner so that she still has contact with him and will be there if they split up, also maybe you husband is jealousy fodder, I know some couples remains friends but it doesn't ring true to me, be interesting to see how husband gets on with ex , maybe he's looking for a new bestie too

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 07:33

Wisteria1979 he seems to be moving fast. Posters in here and my friend have all suggested is because he checked out of the marriage ages ago so has had time to come to peace with the idea he's no longer my husband and a family man.

I'm on the back foot but right now in getting angrier by the minute. How dare he try and stay friends with my brother and how dare he just carry on as normal with his weird friends it's disgusting he shows not a single ounce of remorse or sorrow for the fact he destroyed our marriage. Whatever he is trying to convince himself of right now I know he loved me so his efforts to re write the last year or so.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 23/04/2015 07:35

Fucking hell he is so perfect isn't he? What a wonderful bloke and what a wonderful new girlfriend he has Hmm. I feel like he is existing in the Trueman Show and wants you to straighten your apron, take a deep breath and smile sweetly. I'm afraid I would be suggesting a different day because you have a prior engagement.

He can't have the whole fucking thing his way all the time. He is some narcissistic psychopath!!! I CANNOT wait until his new bird fucks someone else in the office behind his back. God I live for the day you come back to update in a few months time and his life is in tatters. What a prize wanker.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 23/04/2015 07:36

Oh and any financial arrangements you make with him, make clear it is an interim arrangement pending legal advice. also clear the joint account

sebsmummy1 · 23/04/2015 07:37

Oh and I agree that you shouldn't be agreeing any financial terms until you see a Solicitor. You can tell him that! Yes come and get your clothes, they will be waiting for you in the porch in bin liners. All financial matters can be discussed once I have my follow up appointment with my family solicitor.

KaputKiss · 23/04/2015 07:40

I am so angry in your behalf Ophelia Confused
My Dh has spoken of people in his office who have done similar to your Dh and I can assure you he thought it was disgusting. Our immediate thoughts are always how could he do that when he has a wife and children.

I think, if I was you I would fill suitcases with his things and put it on the doorstep ready for him to collect later. Do you feel ready to discuss finances or would you rather wait a few days? I would also do as others have said and move some money for yourself. Is there any chance you could treat yourself a bit today? Highlights also sound great - I always feel so much better when I go a bit blonder!

Jackw · 23/04/2015 07:42

Great idea about changing the pictures.

With regard to him coming round, I doubt you are in a good place to discuss finances yet and it is OK for you to tell him that. Certainly, don't agree to anything until you've had time to think and calm down a bit. I know you've seen solicitors so obviously everything will go through them anyway in due course.

Any meeting with him is going to be horrible for you and you don't have to do it if you don't want to. If you can't face it, he can come round and get more stuff while you are out or at your parents'. He can put any financial proposals he wants to make in an email.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 07:42

I've just done the the child maintained calculator. So I know what he would be paying through that. I was thinking I'd see what he thinks he should be paying and if it's less than that I'll tell him what the calculator says is the minimum we'll take and it's only temporary until legal stuff is sorted

Or does that sound silly?! I'm so annoyed right now!

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 23/04/2015 07:43

Add "sampled the goods" to the list with wank fodder on so the woman knows exactly what her new boyfriend thinks of her.

And if he couldn't get enough of her he must have slept with her more than once...

What a vile man. I'm sure if you met him and he talked about his ex like that you wouldn't be going on a second date....THAT is the type of man he is.

Lying more in the long run?Hmm. You do not need to know how he feels about her so he is just trying to get rid of guilt by making you feel shit. He needs to deal with himself. Twat.

Ledkr · 23/04/2015 07:44

I think because they are the ones calling all the shots and have not been betrayed, they cannot for a second imagine how it feels to be the other person.

They may experience mild guilt which they soothe by justifying things "things were rocky, we've not been right for days" they also kid themselves that one day soon you can all be friends and life will continue pretty much they same only they will have all the things they want including the ow.

Let me assure you that changes in time.

This is the honeymoon period and once he sees that you are continuing as a person in your own right and not just his kids mum and ex wife, he will freak out.

knowledgeispower · 23/04/2015 07:44

Play your cards right later. Practice that poker face. Have someone come over to be with you whilst he's there. You don't have to discuss anything in detail tonight but possibly hear what he has to say.

Remember you don't have to see him at all. I'd get his stuff and leave it outside. Then change the locks. He's checked out of the marriage, let him check out of the house.

HoggleHoggle · 23/04/2015 07:45

Why on earth would you discuss financials now? He's rushing you and I would be mistrustful of it for many reasons.

LunacyPays · 23/04/2015 07:48

Whatever story he decides to start spinning, people will know its bullshit. He was unfaithful, with someone's from work. He's a cheat and he betrayed his family. There is no excuse or reason he can give that will make this seem ok. His actions speak for themselves and people will judge him for what he clearly is.

I have a feeling that the people he works with know about this. I find it very hard to believe that they all approve. A cheat's a cheat and a woman who takes another woman's husband is a.....well...you can guess what I want to say.

knowledgeispower · 23/04/2015 07:48

Yes. Let him make you an offer first. Then proceed with showing him the CM calculations if its lower. Don't question yourself, you are on the ball!

Also, as I and others have said don't mention the fact you have been to see a solicitor.

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