Affair - Not sure how to cope

[OpheliaRose]

I think my DH has cheated / had an affair with a girl from work.

They became facebook friends a few months ago and I thought nothing of it as I know they've worked together for over four years. He moved jobs over a year and half ago which means he now sits in the same office space as this girl. His previous job meant they had daily email and phone contact but DH was in a different office area. His new job puts him in a position which means they no longer need to have daily contact but sit pretty close to each other and occasionally cross paths on projects.

I went to log into facebook on the home PC and realised DH profile was logged on, there was a message from this girl, it was work related but they used a lot of smiles faces / winks, jokes about owing each other and the whole tone is overly flirty. Something didn't sit quite right so I decided to read their past messages and they just didn't flow right and it was suddenly obvious that chunks of conversation had been deleted.

My DH is out at the moment but I'm not sure what to do now. I want to believe its all just innocent but I have thins sick feeling that there is more to it than that. Should I just ask him when he gets in to explain the messages and why it looks like some are missing?

I have to admit i looked at his history on the PC and his Search History on FB he has definitely looked at her profile very recently on FB and the browser history shows he's been looking at her photos almost everyday for the last month or so.

Ophelia hang in there. When my DH cheated on me I thought the pain would kill me. I cried until I had nothing left. I couldn't envisage a time when I would be happy again.

It didn't kill me, it made me stronger and more confident, it made me feel invincible. It made me feel free. The day I walked into the solicitors office felt like the worst day of my life, but when I walked out it felt like the best.

Relish the freedom. Your life is your own again. Enjoy it

Ophelia sweetheart we will all be here when you wake up.
We are real women like you - not just faceless shadows on an Internet forum - we are holding your hand supporting & caring about you and encouraging you to have self belief.
There are so many of us on this thread who have been through this situation - the pain will ease my lovely , you will recover , you will laugh again and experience happiness - take not one day at a time but one hour at a time.

Suggest any reply of your DB's includes the following:

'By the way, it would probably help if you didn't use the word 'respect' when referring to yourself - it's not really possible for anyone to take that seriously I'm afraid. You just sound like even more of a wanker than you've already proved yourself to be.'

I would (horrible as it is) let him/ them look after the twins. He will see a different side to her when she is on her knees breaking up fights, taking her son's side, he won't like it when she puts her ds above his dc, knackered at bedtime. You meanwhile can be out in the pub with your db.

He will probably come back to you at some point. Then you can say that he didn't give you a chance or a choice, so why the fuck should you listen to him.

I'm really impressed with how you are dealing with this. I'd have been in the pub crying and shouting. Keep strong and keep an eye on the money.

Could your brother take loads of stationary to the pub and tell the landlord to give it to your husband next time he is in with work colleagues? Cock sucking Juliet.

Tell everybody, if you don't want him back there is no reason not to.

I know it was someone else who mentioned it OP and not you, but however tempting it may be you have to be very careful when it comes to things like photos, you can be prosecuted for making them public. Feel free to physically show people the photos, but don't send them to anyone or post them anywhere. And try to MAKE SURE you keep them and all other evidence somewhere safe. Make sure he can't get on the computer and delete them, you may possibly need them. If you've emailed them to yourself it might be a good idea to change your password.

When my DP left I started to take a perverse pleasure in new things. We used to watch the same old shows and read the same paper, so I'd start to watch something entirely new and buy a different paper. It was like 'This is the new me, he doesn't know what I watch on TV!' Every new thing I took a liking to was like a step away from all that soiled history.

Did you say you've found a solicitor you like? You need to start addressing the money stuff - shared account, maintenance, has the arsehole even mentioned money since he left or does he think his children can live on fresh air when they're not in his presence? Plus there's the house, whether you'd like to file for divorce, visitation, all that. Work on sorting out what YOU would like to do, and what you can do, so that you're not on the back foot when he gets in touch. Be proactive. And please don't be 'reasonable' about money, go for what you can get. He hasn't been kind, you shouldn't be either. This is about securing your children's futures.

Ophelia I'm a nurse and if you don't get any sleep tonight I really suggest you seeing your GP about a temporary supply of sleeping tablets to give you some respite.
You need the respite and your mind and body need it to try and start the healing process x

You are truly an amazing woman Ophelia. I know you won't see it now, but I hope one day you look back on this thread and see how, even in the early, darkest days, you have acted with nothing but dignity. He does not deserve you. Really he doesn't.

I think going to your mums for the weekend is a great idea, I bet she'd love the chance to look after you for a while x

Ophelie
Good Night dear!

You are doing so well, OP!

My ex BF left me for one of our colleagues (we all worked together, but luckily the nature of the job separated our locations eventually) and I thought I would never get over the pain. I actually came face to face with OW at a training day and she made vain efforts to be overly friendly with me to ease her guilty conscience. I suspect they thought of themselves as star crossed lovers.

Time helped (as did a whole new load of make up, skin care and new clothes) and I'm in a new relationship, which has now helped me to appreciate how juvenile and pathetic theirs was/is.

As others have said, try to unfollow his posts on FB, you're only torturing yourself otherwise.

Would Women's Aid help to recommend a good local lawyer? It couldn't hurt to call them when you have a chance OP and see what they say.

Create a new email address and the next time he contacts you tell him you will only communicate via that address in regards to the children.

That way you can choose when you deal with him.

Please block him on facebook when ready.

Block him on FB. I suspect the prick will block you soon, just to sink the boot in. Might as well get in first.

OpheliaRose Go to your mams at the weekened so your not int the house alone with your thought's, get out or have someone round, its no good spending so much time alone, things will just play on your mind and you will bottle it up. Go out and go to the GP and get some mild sleeping tablets for now to catch up on your sleep. When DT's come back have movie night in bed, let them in with you.

30 is not old, im late 30's and have been single for 6 years, got no interest in moving a man in, in fact i now love my own company so much i can't think of anything worse than living with another man, maybe when the kids are up and away or maybe if they have their own house, what i say goes, i can do what i like when i like. Ive got 3 DC and work PT, have my own money and do all my own DIY and decorating.

What are you embarrassed about? You keep saying your embarrassed and humiliated, what is making you feel embarrassed, is it because people know or because you thought you had the perfect marriage, so did everyone else but now you have to explain this. Work on why you feel embarrassed and why you can't talk to anyone about it, you need to get over this feeling somehow

Absolutely don't feel embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Put it this way, if a neighbour's DH did what yours has done would you be judging the wife? Of course not. You'd be thinking what an utter sh*t bag her DH was. Tell people.

I was amazed at the support I received, from people I didn't even realise were friends. I was so touched. The personal trainer from the gym gave me some free boxing sessions to let off steam (he told me to picture my DH's face on the pads and really punch ), a neighbour dragged me out to the pub for a meal regularly where we would laugh so much over random irrelevant stuff my sides would ache for hours. It was a welcome escape from my life. Another texted me every night in the middle of the night, knowing I'd be awake, just to let me know someone cared. Someone else gave me the number of a SHL they had used in similar circumstances. Another hugged me while I wept, without any embarrassment, and just asked me 'why do you still love him?'. It was a light bulb moment. Why indeed? Sometimes relative strangers ask the most pertinent questions.

Please don't be embarrassed, tell people. You need the support. I know I did. You can't deal with this alone, it's too much.

worserevived what a wonderful post

Op you are awesome. I'm so sorry that he's done this to you.

My exdh cheated while I was pregnant with our second dc. This thread has taken right back to those dark days. Humiliation, anger, betrayal, no sleep, no food, sobbing non stop.

Now I'm remarried to a lovely man and thanking God that I didn't give exdh a second chance.

Take each day as it comes. We know what you're going through but I promise you, it will get better.

It helps your husband greatly that he can re-write your history together. That you weren't good enough, you didn't satisfy him. That things have been bad for a while. It means that he isn't the bad guy. It means that you feel inadequate. That you bear some of the blame.

It doesn't make it true. It -does- -not- make it true.

Ophelia your husband is truly awful and your brother shouldn't be meeting him because of the spin your husband is going to put on this ugliness to try and get him onside. Yes your brother may get to have his say but its only going to be after your husband has had his and what he says is never going to be unheard by you or your brother till the end of time. Please don't forget your husband is going to be justifying to why he is doing this and a skunk such as he is will stop at nothing to make excuses for himself.

You're going to get hurt if your brother meets him.

As for not yet being strong enough to block or delete you husband on - please can you do it on the grounds that women here know it would help you right now?

SingingHinnies I'm embarrassed because like you said I thought I had the "perfect" marriage ok no ones is perfect and we've had a fair share of arguments and rough times but we've always had each other and I prided myself on the fact we'd been together so long, where each others best friends and could talk to each other so I just feel so stupid having to tell people we are over and thats he's gone to someone else thinking back on all those times I've gone on about how wonderful he is/ our home / our family. I'm also totally humiliated because people will think well she obviously wasn;t satisfying him enough if he needed to go looking else where for it plus when he was explaining it to me he kept saying the stuff she said to him turned him more than he's ever been turned on before and he made it clear that once he's "sample the goods" he was permanently so turned on by her he couldn't get enough of her.

slept a bit better last night but think thats just because my body was at the point of exhaustion.

she obviously wasn't satisfying him enough if he needed to go looking else where for it

I don't think many people think like that nowadays.

I'm sure a big part of his turn on was the forbidden nature of their affair. Now it's out in the open it'll be way less exciting for him. He is gonna suffer badly for putting his lust over his love for you and his kids, he just hasn't realised yet how much this has cost him.

Ophelia I can't believe your husband actually said those things to you. She turns him on more than he's ever been turned on before? Disgusting man.

No one will think well of him for this. Quite aside from leaving you, he has left two young children. That is unforgivable. No justification he would ever come up with would free him of that. People will think exactly that.

"all those times I've gone on about how wonderful he is/ our home / our family." will be what makes people see through his lies about you growing apart/not caring about him/other standard bullshit he'll spout.

Have you ever been in an office environment when someone has left their husband/wife for someone else in the office? Have you EVER heard anyone say "good on them" or "I'm glad they are happy" or "well it's a shame for the wife but true love IS important so I am pleased they followed their hearts"? No, of course not and neither have I. Everyone will be appalled and gossiping about them in the worst way. Obviously that is by association gossip about "you and yours" so not what you'd want but let me assure you no one is going to say "Good old Twatsby, left his wife for MsShineyHair," they are going to say "OMG Twatsby has left Ophelia, and she's so lovely, for the Office xxxx, has he gone raving mad? What an arsehole."