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Original poster

Tonight DH is at his old family home looking after his children...

142 replies

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:13

and I feel so uncomfortable that twice now I've been very close to replying to his last message with something horribly bitchy along the lines of "have fun, wear a condom". I know, I know. But am I really that wrong for not being happy about it? He only told me after he was already there and I asked what they were up to. For the record, he was the one messaging me as I was rushing around with things to do. It's happened twice in the space of a month and I am not sure whether to believe him. His DC only come to us during the holidays, otherwise he goes to them and in a relative's spare room - or so he says? There's so much history to our relationship (mostly from DH's side) that I feel that I am always having these horrible ups and downs and doubting myself. If I am wrong to feel this way then I am going to start a problem by not wishing good night or sending a nasty reply... But I can't pretend it isn't bothering me either. It would most certainly bother him if it was the other way around!!!

OP posts:
LaiLoo · 19/04/2015 00:17

So he is staying with his ex wife?

EeyoresTail · 19/04/2015 00:18

Is there a backstory to explain the condom text?
Is the ex wife there if he is having to look after his kids? Is it the ex you think he would cheat with?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:18

At her house (their old family home) while she's supposedly in another town for an event.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:25

No back story to the condom text, just me wanting to say "yeah, right". There's a part of me that thinks that he could have not told me in the first place and I wouldn't have known. However, he only told me because I asked him what he was up to the DC and it seems like such a coincidence that she's gone to the same city nearby twice in a month - it must the 'happening' place. Or maybe I am just being childish...I am not sure so I thought I'd ask others' views on it. She hasn't moved on and will bend backwards for him so the whole thing generally feels uncomfortable anyway but it seems bizarre your husband staying at his old family home... I know, he IS looking after his children!!

OP posts:
LaiLoo · 19/04/2015 00:38

How long have you been together?
Did he cheat on her?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:45

Yes, he did. They separated / divorced long before I met him. We've been together for almost 3 years.

OP posts:
LaiLoo · 19/04/2015 00:51

Well I think its understandable how you feel. He has kept this from you when planning it. I would wonder why he didn't want to tell you before hand.

passthewineplz · 19/04/2015 00:57

Why do the DC only stay with you during holidays? Seems a bit odd that he stays at the family home at other times.

Are you certain he is with his DC and not somewhere else?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:58

Yes, I know. Oh ffs, this is for the other thread where everyone's posting stuff they wish they could say out loud: ffs, how I wish I had never (EVER) fallen in love and married a divorced man. I am sure there are plenty of successful relationships out there between people who were divorcees but bleeming heck, this is HARD!!

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 01:01

Because it's a lot of travelling for them at the weekend, or so it seems - I don't get involved in the arrangements. He says he stays there when she's out / away so he's looking after his DC. If you look at it logically, it makes sense, but try to tell my heart that.

Yes I am actually certain. I am just not certain that she has in fact gone anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 01:03

Logic aside though, does anyone else think that it'd be hard to imagine their DP/DH staying at their ex's house every so often? All the history, all the memories and familiarity...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 01:07

So you think he is sleeping with his ex wife, is that it?

passthewineplz · 19/04/2015 01:10

A lot of traveling for who at the weekend? The DC or your DH? Surely the weekends are easier as there's no school runs ect. How old are the DC?

Sorry for the questions, but I think he might be using the DC as an excuse. I wouldn't be happy if my DH was staying in the family home, there absolutely no need

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 01:11

I have no proof or indication of that whatsoever. All I have is that she'd take him back at the drop of a hat and that I do feel threatened by the situation. To be honest, I feel that it's unfair on me and perhaps is expecting me to be all understanding and accommodating is pushing it too far. However, when you look at the children getting the contact and the ex getting a break without the hassle of baby-sitter or favours, then it all seems perfectly reasonable.

OP posts:
passthewineplz · 19/04/2015 01:12

I think he's using looking after his DC as an excuse, they can't be babies as you've been married 3 years so there's absolutely no excuse why he should be at his ExWs home

littlejessie · 19/04/2015 01:13

No it doesn't! I'd hate that OP and YANBU for feeling uncomfortable with the situation.

littlejessie · 19/04/2015 01:15

How long have you been married?

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 01:16

To be honest, no I wouldn't like it. Things should be totally separate. I don't get all this "understanding" and doing it for the kids, I just think that would confuse them more.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 01:16

DC are 8 and 14. Too much for them to travel, as the return trip can easily take 7 hours or more.

No, definitely not an excuse and if anything, he's cut down on the time there when he does go - not at my request btw!! He does seem to genuinely miss home but he knows I am not going to react well to this set up.

OP posts:
passthewineplz · 19/04/2015 01:17

He is the DC dad! It's not childcare!!!!!!!!!! If he's spending time at their home, I'm sure it will be confusing for the DC. my advice would be to speak to DC and ask him to sort child care arrangements out so that it's not just holidays DC stay with you both

NeedABumChange · 19/04/2015 01:17

Can you and he Skype when he stays there? It might put your mind at ease that he is with the kids and not having a cosy night in. I think it's normal tbh, much better than moving multiple children around if it's a fair distance and he and ex are amicable.

Also if they were really shagging it would be terribly confusing for the children and most good parents wouldn't do that.

ImNameyChangey · 19/04/2015 01:18

How far away do they live? The children I mean. If they're small and it's more than 25 miles then maybe it's reasonable but...not really. They should be coming to you every time. His staying at a relatives seems odd to me.

NeedABumChange · 19/04/2015 01:19

pass how is it confusing for children to have their dad in their home? That's normal. Confusing is the weird relationships between ex's who refuse to ever let each other step foot in each other's homes, where parents aren't ever allowed to see their own child's bedrooms.

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 01:20

The problem is not the fact that he is there but the fact that you don't trust him. He could stop going to the house but that doesn't mean he won't cheat on you. You are looking at this the wrong way. You want to keep him in your presence because that's the only way you can be sure that he's not with someone else. This is no way to live.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 01:20

They live ca. 200 miles away.

OP posts: