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Relationships

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Original poster

Tonight DH is at his old family home looking after his children...

142 replies

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:13

and I feel so uncomfortable that twice now I've been very close to replying to his last message with something horribly bitchy along the lines of "have fun, wear a condom". I know, I know. But am I really that wrong for not being happy about it? He only told me after he was already there and I asked what they were up to. For the record, he was the one messaging me as I was rushing around with things to do. It's happened twice in the space of a month and I am not sure whether to believe him. His DC only come to us during the holidays, otherwise he goes to them and in a relative's spare room - or so he says? There's so much history to our relationship (mostly from DH's side) that I feel that I am always having these horrible ups and downs and doubting myself. If I am wrong to feel this way then I am going to start a problem by not wishing good night or sending a nasty reply... But I can't pretend it isn't bothering me either. It would most certainly bother him if it was the other way around!!!

OP posts:

passthewineplz · 19/04/2015 01:23

The travel at their age isn't too much. They're not babies. Sorry OP it does sound like he's making excuses, It's up to his ex to sort childcare out during the times the DC are with her and not to rely on him. If she's got arrangements and he agrees to look after them he should take them home. It's way too confusing for everyone

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 01:23

I get going to family dinners etc. but I really don't get staying at his ex's house ever. That's just weird in my eyes. I am however a person who likes to keep things simple.

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 01:29

My ex lives with his partner and it's about the same distance. DS has been going to his during the holidays for the last 10 years and its worked perfectly fine. DS and his father have a great relationship. There is no way my ex's partner would have gone along with him staying at mine sometimes during the weekends and I wouldn't have expected her to. Far too nebulous.

passthewineplz · 19/04/2015 01:29

It's confusing for the DC to have their dad at home, because they may feel that there is a chance of their parents getting back together.

Yes it's nice to see your parents getting on, dad being at home ect but it may give them false hope that mum and dad will get back together, also the exW may also get mixed messages.

I appreciate it's a long distance to travel, but it sounds like the ex perhaps is relaying on the OP DH a bit too much

Original poster

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 01:31

They live ca. 200 miles away, so it's a considerable distance.

needabum agree, hence my mixed feelings about it. However, one thing is to have good relationship with your ex, another altogether is to stay at their home (your old home) time and time again. It may be perfectly acceptable for everyone but perhaps not for the 'new partner'.

fairenuff no, it's not that at all. If he's off somewhere for something else, I won't even bat an eyelid - in fact, I like time to myself too but that's another story. However, what threatens me is the (again) familiarity and the links, all of which the ex seems very keen to maintain alive. Does he have his own wardrobe there? Does he close the door when he's having a shower or wrap a towel around his waist when going around the house? Or is there no need because they've known each other for so long? Anyway, call me crazy but those are the sort of things that go through my mind rather than the sex, even if I did mention a condom!

OP posts:

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 01:35

I'd feel exactly like you Vix. All the little "in" jokes they used to share etc. bleh. Once something is over that's how it should be.... over.

Original poster

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 01:41

I've gone along with things as I have a terrible relationship with my ex, not a good example by any means. Also, I've also seen it from the DC's perspective and from a single mum's viewpoint (i.e. the ex), but where does that leave me? It feels like a huge ask to expect me to be accommodating and understanding about these sort of arrangements, or it is to me anyway.

OP posts:

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 01:51

It doesn't sound like you trust him anyway OP which must be miserable for you. A relationship without trust is a nightmare and very bad for you, hence your terrible self doubt. If I had a penny for every woman on these boards that says "it must be me" - when clearly for the outsider reading, it isn't, I'd be on some wonderful tropical Island drinking cocktails now.

LaiLoo · 19/04/2015 01:52

It's not right for you, he knows this but does it anyway. Your his wife.

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 01:54

Exactly Lailoo, he just does exactly what "he" wants to do and doesn't give a flying feck how you feel Vix.

mynewpassion · 19/04/2015 02:04

Maybe he does it for his children because their feelings come first.

Maybe you should suggest he rent a hotel next time.

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 02:19

Maybe he does passion but the man has form for cheating. Staying at the ex's house is a bit over and above what is expected though don't you think? Yes a hotel is a good idea and he can skye the kids often too. The OP also said that the ex wife can't let go. So I suspect the OP's husband quite likes the friction this brings.

mynewpassion · 19/04/2015 02:30

That's the risk you take for marrying a cheater. You have less trust and more suspicion.

We don't know if he was a serial cheater or just a one-time cheat. The OP doesn't seem to trust him much even without the ex.

daffsandtulips · 19/04/2015 02:36

I still maintain that staying with the ex is a bit over and above the norm in my opinion then add to the mix he's cheated, even if it is once (which is still too often) would make the most secure person insecure. So OP, no it's NOT you.

sadwidow28 · 19/04/2015 03:26

OP- I understand your anxiety. I didn't have any at the time it happened to me, but I should have done. Thank goodness that DH was honourable in all respects:

My DH was NOT the cheater in the marriage - and I met him almost 12 months after he had left. However, the ex continued to be manipulative regarding the children.

I felt for her when her 'newly found' father was terminally ill. (She had told my DH she was an orphan when they met, so nothing added up to him. They had been married 16 years.) But that was when she stepped up the pressure. My DH fell for it!

He drove her to a hospital to visit (in my car), he drove back to look after the 3 DCs, he collected her from the hospital and drove her back home. (This was a 100 mile round-trip each time and he was doing it twice a day). My DH was never allowed to visit the hospital ward where this newly-found father was.

But DH honoured his responsibilities and left our family home and moved in with his children temporarily. He had to use Annual Leave to mind his 3 DCs because of the distance. Although the 3 children used to visit us regularly, ex-wife said that they would be confused and upset to leave their permanent home under such upsetting circumstances.

DH and ex-wife attended the funeral together - and DH asked me to agree to using £48 towards flowers, announcements etc (this was 1979/80 when £164 per month was a teacher's salary). DH didn't recognise anyone at the funeral (this was a supposed 'long lost family' so appeared possible)

But then the ex-wife arrived back home unexpectedly one night and tried to climb into DH's sleeping bag on the lounge floor - with words of 'we were always meant to be together'. DH rejected the overtures but brought the 3 children to our family home the next morning. It was a 'jolly holiday' in the children's eyes - but safety for the children in reality.

We were given full custody of the 7 year old (is that called Resident Parent now?), and 50/50 of the 12 and 14 yr olds.

Women CAN be cheaters and manipulate:

there was no 'long-lost father'
Ex-wife was staying with a 'long-lost aunt' for a 2 week break from DCs
whose funeral did my DH attend?
She picked up a boyfriend whilst there who drove her back to the family home when she had 'had enough'.

differentnameforthis · 19/04/2015 03:53

Fairenuff is right, this is only an issue because you don't trust him (at all, or with his ex). Otherwise, there would be no condom comment & this thread wouldn't exist.

Tbh, if this was dh & I, I would have no problem with it, because there would be a level of trust there. His ex could bend any which way she likes, but ultimately the choice to cheat would be his & his alone.

If people think the 8 & 14yr old are old enough to travel, they are old enough to know why dad is there.

Perhaps mum has friends in the next town, a boyfriend? etc. Perhaps she stays over, in which case staying in a bloody hotel is no use when he is looking after kids! Unless he should book them all in?

All I know is is that if you were posting about him not wanting to see his kids, or not being able to 'babysit' them, he would be getting called all sorts on this thread!

You need to work through your trust issues. As fairenuff said, it won't matter where he is, if you don't trust him!

Stinkersmum · 19/04/2015 04:12

Sounds dodgy to me. How is it that it's far away enough (200 miles?) that the children only travel in the holidays but your husband has gone there twice in month without you even knowing beforehand?? I'm not joined at the hip to my dh but I'm know if he was planning to travel that far away for any reason.....

Coyoacan · 19/04/2015 04:33

You need to work through your trust issues. As fairenuff said, it won't matter where he is, if you don't trust him!

Yeap, do you imagine it was easy to split up a family with two children that he obviously loves? I imagine that they only split up because there was absolutely no remedy, so why would he be back with her now?

My dd split up with the father of her dd over a year ago and when he comes round to see his dd, she comes into my room when she has to change clothes.

mynewpassion · 19/04/2015 04:35

I get the impression that he goes to visit his children in their hometown between school holidays because of the distance. So maybe eow he does this and the OP is aware. She just didn't know that he would be spending it in the former family home instead of a friend, relative, or hotel.

Joysmum · 19/04/2015 07:33

Sorry, did I read this right...you didn't know he was going there and staying away until he got there?

Isetan · 19/04/2015 07:35

Did he or the Ex move 200 miles away? Personally I think spending nearly 7 hrs in a car for contact is too much and if I were a child, I wouldn't want to do it regularly.I don't think the set up is suspicious in itself but the cheating, evasive man your married to, is.

You don't trust him and the anxiety you're feeling is a direct result of his past behaviour and his continuing lack of transparency. Wasn't transparency one of the conditions you insisted on when you decided to stay married? If you don't trust him and he is the ducking and diving type, your anxiety isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

For the record, your anxieties aren't the result of marrying a divorced man, they're the result of staying in a relationship with an evasive cheat.

Think about what you need from this man and be honest with yourself about the posibilities of him delivering.

Original poster

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 07:53

it's as mynewpassion describes: he goes to them in between the school holidays because it's easier. What I didn't know this time was that he was going to stay at what used to be their family home. Previously, he did tell me beforehand and although I felt uncomfortable, I didn't say anything.

I just wanted to sense-check how others saw it in reference to the set up - whether it was being unreasonable or actually inappropriate. And again, this is not about somebody popping in the house, seeing their children's bedroom or even having a cup of coffee. It's about your husband / partner staying there for over 24 hours - sleep, eat, shower...

OP posts:

Original poster

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 07:58

Isetan he moved even further away; he's always gone over to them on a regular basis but I am unsure how it worked out with any relationship that he had in between. I can't have been the only person with a problem with the 'closeness'. I need emotional stability and possibilities are low

Just when you think that you'll get a a little peaceful phase, something else happens and here I am losing sleep and feeling anxious again.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 19/04/2015 08:03

Been through the same myself and reacted much the same way as you; anxious, insecure, couldn't sleep, imagining them playing at happy families, started threads about it myself.
I do think it's confusing for the kids... if they see their mum and dad getting on in the home, even only occasionally they may start hoping they are getting back together.

Georgethesecond · 19/04/2015 08:08

It's not confusing for the kids if she isn't there though. The issue is that OP doesn't feel certain that her partner is telling the truth about his ex being away. It's a trust issue, not an arrangements issue.

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