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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight DH is at his old family home looking after his children...

142 replies

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:13

and I feel so uncomfortable that twice now I've been very close to replying to his last message with something horribly bitchy along the lines of "have fun, wear a condom". I know, I know. But am I really that wrong for not being happy about it? He only told me after he was already there and I asked what they were up to. For the record, he was the one messaging me as I was rushing around with things to do. It's happened twice in the space of a month and I am not sure whether to believe him. His DC only come to us during the holidays, otherwise he goes to them and in a relative's spare room - or so he says? There's so much history to our relationship (mostly from DH's side) that I feel that I am always having these horrible ups and downs and doubting myself. If I am wrong to feel this way then I am going to start a problem by not wishing good night or sending a nasty reply... But I can't pretend it isn't bothering me either. It would most certainly bother him if it was the other way around!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 08:13

It's both george - I am not sure how true the story is and I am uncomfortable with that my husband is going around what used to be his family home with his ex, doing all the little mundane things that he does at home / used to do that.

charley50 how did you resolve it? That's exactly how I feel with regard to them playing happy families in that sort of setting.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 19/04/2015 08:16

True. It is a situation that most people would struggle with though, I think. Well I know I did but there was a backstory.

Charley50 · 19/04/2015 08:22

That was a response to George OP.
Vix - short version is it hasn't been resolved. My situation is different to yours though, but there is a lot he can do to reassure you.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 08:24

sorry, 'used to do there Smile

I am tired... I should have had a restful night, it's been a horribly hectic week and it'll only get busier from Monday. Yet, here I am with about 5 hours sleep and thinking about this issue instead of... RESTING!! It's unfair, I shouldn't be having to duel over the ins and outs of how appropriate my husband's actions are. He should have us and my feelings at the forefront of his decision-making, surely? As somebody else put it, he's doing what he wants especially if it makes life easier for him.

OP posts:
Snoozybird · 19/04/2015 08:27

Is there any way you could go with your DH for these visits? It's not like his DC don't know you if they come to you during holidays.

If he says the ex would feel uncomfortable with you being in her house then you can explain you feel uncomfortable about him being there alone i.e. it's not just "a house" in ehich he happens to have contact, there are all sorts of emotional attachments for everyone.

enderwoman · 19/04/2015 08:37

I am a single parent to kids who are 14,12,8.

Ex used to live about 150 miles away and all of them hated the travelling and trips to see him decreased a lot during that time. Ex used to drive up here (he moved away) , spend time here then drive back in order to maintain regular contact. He moved closer (about 40 minutes away) and now can have regular overnights because it's a reasonable distance.

Ex has a partner who he left me for and has stayed overnight on my sofa asI was in hospital. We don't have extended family to rely on and quite frankly I think he would have been insulted if he wasn't given first refusal for contact.

I think your h was totally unreasonable for springing this on you and not telling you when it was being arranged.

patienceisvirtuous · 19/04/2015 08:37

Snoozy's plan is a good one...

Isetan · 19/04/2015 08:39

Are you suggesting that his kids endure a 7hr round trip for contact because their dad moved far away and his new wife doesn't trust him (for understandable reasons)? I'm sorry that this man cheated on you but I don't think his children should suffer just to appease you for the questionable decisions of their father.

Charley50 · 19/04/2015 08:40

Yeah I agree about you going along on the visits. Getting to know the ex may help with any trust issues? I also think that the kids could come to you once a month or once every three weeks instead of him going there. It's not too far. Train instead of car is more 'fun.'
You need to sit down together and come up with a better solution than what is happening at the moment.
As for today, try and put the negative thoughts out of your mind and get in with doing something nice, maybe sleeping!. He'll be home soon.

J0annie · 19/04/2015 08:41

They're divorced and he's re-married to you and you think he'd sleep with her? Have you any idea how unappealing that prospect is to 99% of divorced people.

I just think it's so unlikely.

Isetan · 19/04/2015 08:46

you can explain you feel uncomfortable about him being there alone

The OP not trusting her H isn't his Ex's problem, I would [laugh] and feel Blush for the new partner of an Ex coming to me with the above.

Charley50 · 19/04/2015 08:47

Oh. If he has cheated already there just isn't going to be the trust.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 19/04/2015 08:50

Usually, if the non resident parent moves away it is their responsibility to travel for contact. 7 hours is a really long car trip for young kids, I would not be at all happy about my two doing that on a regular basis. My ex has stayed at mine with the kids when I've been away/in hospital. We'd both expect a new partner of either of us to accept that there will always be some kind of relationship between us as we have children together and being "friends" enables us to parent better. If you don't trust him that's an issue you need to resolve with him either by getting counselling or splitting up, but I don't think you have a right to interfere with contact arrangements.

WyrdByrd · 19/04/2015 08:50

I think you are massively overreacting tbh but you are of course entitled to your feelings.

You mention that you felt uncomfortable last time he stayed over but didn't mention it - I think you need to have a chat with him so he can reassure you that there's nothing going on.

Am I right in thinking he also cheated on his ex prior to them splitting up - which is bound to make trusting him a bit tricky but surely this was something you worked through before you married him.

FWIW a friend of mine is separated and she and her DH live near one another and share care of their DS. They will stay over with one another prior to birthdays/Christmas day so they can all be together for their con to open his presents etc and even went on holiday together as a family earlier this year. There is absolutely nothing between them beyond mutual respect and a desire to do the best for their child.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 08:58

charley no, he hasn't cheated on me. He cheated on the exw which led to them splitting up - long before I came into the picture. I am sorry to hear that your situation is still ongoing; but I am also reassured that you seem to see exactly where I am coming from.

I personally think that 7 hours in car over 2 days is too much but that the children could come down once a month instead - take turns. That was supposed to be the arrangement, apparently proposed by the ex, although I am not sure whether DH only said that as a way of showing me that I have nothing to worry about or if she did genuinely suggest it - either way, DH should have been the one protecting our relationship and having my best interest at heart. That only lasted 1 week as the children couldn't miss out on weekend activities.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 19/04/2015 08:59

Can he afford a hotel in future for them all? I completely agree with the children not having to travel, he moved he should do the legwork, but I understand why you don't like it though.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 09:14

lunar1 I don't think the hotel option is the way forward, and they also have a pet. I totally agree that he should be doing the leg work. The exw already does all the day-to-day stuff by herself and every other weekend, so he's getting off very lightly.

So we are back to it being acceptable or not, impractical or unreasonable to pursue other options but when it comes down to it, is this something that you'd understand and accept? I don't like it and I feel uncomfortable, and if I was to say to DH that exh was going to stay with us for the weekend I doubt that he'd be jumping for joy. My life is simple, DH's isn't and that exhausting.

Anyway, thank you all for your sound advice and for sharing your views!!! I am going to try to go back to sleep before getting on with my ever-so-long to do list. And yes, charley, he'll be home this afternoon.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 19/04/2015 09:18

Thanks Vix, in response to the length of trip argument, my DS has been going to his dads a four/five hour round trip since he was 8, he's now 11. He likes going there; he has a step-sister and dogs and other animal there, and he does everyday stuff with his dad and his stepmum. It's his 2nd home. It would be a problem if he had a hobby he wanted to do every weekend but luckily he doesn't, his hobbies can be done in the week. If DS is very tired or has a special event he doesn't go, but generally it has worked out well. My DS dad definitely puts his wife's feeling before mine and I'm glad as I can't stand him which is the way it should be.

Charley50 · 19/04/2015 09:19

Do you have kids OP? With him or your own?

Charley50 · 19/04/2015 09:20

Oops have a good kip!

Christophewouldgetit · 19/04/2015 09:39

Just out of interest, how do you know his exw would have him back in a second? I have to agree with the poster slightly up thread - I am divorced and getting back with my exh would be the last thing I would ever want to do...

Sounds very much like the 'my ex is mental' conversations except this one is a great ego boost - he's so desirable that even though he cheated on her and has remarried, she still wants to be with him Hmm

The fact she suggested that he had more contact at your place rather than having him in her space speaks volumes to me.. I wouldn't be able to stand exh is my house (which is our old marital home) - it is my safe place with my stuff & memories..

Are you planning on having a chat with him when he's home over just how much this bothers you? It won't be pleasant possibly but it's eating you up..

Best of luck Thanks

mommyof23kids · 19/04/2015 09:41

I don't think it's unreasonable or dodgy. I would have no problem with my dh doing whatever it took to spend more time with his children. But then i trust my dh.
Considering the hotel option or the kids visiting on the weekends won't work, what other options are there for him? Stay at a relatives place? Not go at all?

Before you talk to your dh about this you really should have an option you think will work. Just coming out with it could cause him to immediately become defensive and make the situation worse.

Cherryapple1 · 19/04/2015 09:46

I don't think it is acceptable because he has not been honest with you about it. That is a massive red flag to me. Plus he cheated on her. How do you know he won't cheat on you?

goodnessgraciousgouda · 19/04/2015 10:29

OP - You need to actually speak to your DH rather than festering inside.

Tell him that you aren't comfortable with the current arrangement, and definitely not when he doesn't even see fit to bother to tell you his plans beforehand.

I think it's fine to ask for some boundaries.

Since you are a married unit, and your DH split with his wife well before you came along, is there any reason why you can't go down with him for a few of these trips? Surely it would be nice for you to build a relationship with these children as well?

differentnameforthis · 19/04/2015 11:03

Previously, he did tell me beforehand and although I felt uncomfortable, I didn't say anything. You say that he should have your feelings at heart, but you haven't told him how you feel, so how is he supposed to know you are unhappy about this/don't trust him?

I also think that you are making assumptions about his ex & have very low opinions of her...why would she want to reignite anything with someone who cheated on her & hurt her so much that she ended her marriage over it?? She is hardly likely to be the person he cheats with, is she? I mean, she isn't going to put someone else through that, I assume!

How do you know he won't cheat on you?

Well, he can cheat on her if the kids come to his house, can't he? IF he is going to cheat, he will do it. I think it is disrespectful to suggest that his ex would become the mistress after she ended her marriage due to him cheating! It is insulting to suggest that she would do that to someone else. Not all women are happy to jump into bed with an ex husband!