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Original poster

Tonight DH is at his old family home looking after his children...

142 replies

VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 00:13

and I feel so uncomfortable that twice now I've been very close to replying to his last message with something horribly bitchy along the lines of "have fun, wear a condom". I know, I know. But am I really that wrong for not being happy about it? He only told me after he was already there and I asked what they were up to. For the record, he was the one messaging me as I was rushing around with things to do. It's happened twice in the space of a month and I am not sure whether to believe him. His DC only come to us during the holidays, otherwise he goes to them and in a relative's spare room - or so he says? There's so much history to our relationship (mostly from DH's side) that I feel that I am always having these horrible ups and downs and doubting myself. If I am wrong to feel this way then I am going to start a problem by not wishing good night or sending a nasty reply... But I can't pretend it isn't bothering me either. It would most certainly bother him if it was the other way around!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 17:18

They have to decide what they believe is best of their children, I have no desire to involved in that. But DH has a duty to be honest and to prioritise how the whole convoluted arrangements (in my eyes, nothing complicated or sinister according to him) fit in with how I feel - within reason, of course!

OP posts:
LoofahVanDross · 19/04/2015 17:29

It makes sense to me that he stays there when he sees the children. If it is a 200 mile trip, he would have to do that to collect them, then again to bring them to you and then reverse the journey after their stay.

If he has usually stayed with a relative but the ex is going away, it also makes sense for him to stay in the house as he cannot really take the children to stay at th relative's house as they may not have room.

I personally don't see anything wrong with what he is doing, and can only see a trust issue with you. sorry. If you trusted him you would not be churning away like this, you would know it is ou he wants to be with and shouldn't be worrying. If you are worried he will be tempted, then to be honest he is an arse and not worth fighting for.

Charley50 · 19/04/2015 18:17

I don't think it is as simple as the OP not trusting him, it's also about her being excluded from building up a step family like situation with DH and his DCs. The more she is excluded the more she will feel excluded. She doesn't want to be excluded from a massive part of his life. Compartmentalised.

Northernlurker · 19/04/2015 18:25

The kids will want to be at home. Their home is that house, not with you. I have to see I don't see why their father shouldn't travel to see them and stay in their home with them. 200 miles is a long trip. why should they do that to make you feel more comfortable. You're an adult, you don't need to inconvenience and destabilise children so you feel more secure. 9I hope)
The issue here is your lack of trust in your husband. You don't trust that there isn't more to this than simple good parenting and because of that lack of trust you are creating barriers. You're creating a scenario in which he doesn't tell you things because if he does tell you, you don't like it.

Ask him how his weekend was, be open and encouraging and work on your feelings of jealousy. What you cannot do is attempt to control how he carries out his fatherly responsibilities in order to make you feel better.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 18:27

You hit the spot there again, Charley!!! It's a weird thought that they have family gatherings, also with his adult 'child' (from another relationship) there whom I haven't seen in months, and I am not a part of any of that at all. Again, it's not that I feel that I always have to be present but I feel brushed aside, so that the 'real family' can get on with it. It is one-sided too as DH obviously sees the whole of my life.

OP posts:
Snoozybird · 19/04/2015 18:30

Vix a few of us have suggested you accompany your DH but you've not said whether that's something you/he would consider. How would your DH react if you asked to go with him?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 18:32

Northern I do that every time and I am genuinely interested - not for controlling reasons but for the same reasons that I tell him how my time with my DS goes or time with friends etc. I agree about the inconvenience and having had a DS who was very busy at the weekends when he was that age, I know only too well how it works. But DH should have told me before he went (would you not have expected your DP to at least mention it?). The more secrecy or deceit, the worse things become as far as trust goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 18:37

Snoozy sorry, I am not sure how to handle this option, tbh. He mentioned it when we first started getting serious but I suspect that it felt like lip-service or else hed have actually arranged it. As such, I feel like I would come across as some highly insecure and controlling woman if it was to come from me or am I missing the point? But yes, of course I would go; I did on the couple of occasions when he organised it.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 19/04/2015 18:42

Thanks Vix I really I wish I wasn't the expert in feeling excluded from large parts of partners lives but I am. Sad

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 19/04/2015 18:56

Or maybe if you suggested you come along, you might seem like you want to have a healthy relationship with his dcs and do some fun stuff with him and the dcs. If he suggested it initially, he's obviously not against it. Offer to go. You might be pleasantly surprised that he's happy to have you come along.

Snoozybird · 19/04/2015 19:20

Thanks Vix, I think your DH's reaction if you ask to come along will be very telling. And don't worry about appearing insecure or controlling, his deceit has been a driving factor in this. You're not just some new girlfriend, you're his wife and if you didn't live so far away you'd be an integral part of contact weekends anyway - why should things be any different just because you're having to travel to them?

Maybe approach it along the lines of you deciding now would be a good time to take your DH up on his previous offer. And as I said upthread if he/his ex have issues with you being in her house then it proves the point that there's too much emotion attached to the place for it to be an appropriate location for contact.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 19:21

I promise I am not looking for excuses not to resolve the situation but here is what I have already done:

  • explained that it'd be good for the DC to see DH's home life and feel a part of it which was what prompted them coming to us during the holidays
  • explained how it makes me feel like a separate part of his life
  • explained that it would be good for me to have opportunities to see that side of things too as it'd both show that there's nothing to hide and make me feel included

I've welcomed his DC and pet with open arms, I've gone out of my way to organise things and have tried my best to also give them time alone with their dad also when they are down here - no, I don't need to be included in every single activity.

I've done all of the above countless times and calmly. And yet, here we are again because he felt that he had to be sneaky about it which not only makes me feel worse about being excluded but also plants doubts in my mind - what could possibly be so bad that he's got to keep it secret??

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 19/04/2015 19:30

Has he replied at all today and given any justifiable reasons why you were not told of the arrangements?
CAn he offer any suggestions on how to improve the situation regarding contact ?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 19/04/2015 19:41

It would upset me if I had explained it to him and he still did it,,especially when it was done in an underhand way

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 19:47

inlectorecumbit nope, I did get a very nice message (utterly normal) but it totally ignored what I had written to him. That was followed by a short response from me and I haven't heard from him since, but then I am not at home atm as I've got work to do although DS has mentioned that DH was back.

cristina it's like talking to the brick wall, you start to feel like a total idiot.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 19/04/2015 19:55

I would be hurt that he wasn't taking my feelings into account and trying to arrange a compromise, twice in a month is a bit of a kick in the teeth if he knows you aren't happy...is this to become a regular thing?

Perhaps you should text him and tell him just to stay there

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 20:50

He wouldn't speak to me but eventually said that he didn't stay there, he was only at the house until she got back but that he didn't want to go into an explanation via messages. Either it's true or he's had plenty of time think of something. However, the main problem now is that he's trying to make me feel bad saying that if I was happy to ignore him for over a day then he had nothing to say to me. It does feel like he really doesn't care at all and trying to make me feel bad. And when I said that he could simply have told me what he was doing, he swore and walked off. How can it be that somebody who declares his love on a daily basis, shows it with a hundred little daily actions, manages to let us down when it comes to something like this or just suddenly shuts up. I actually do think that he'll quite happily move into the spare room and ignore me forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 20:53

He's just made me feel inadequate, hasn't he? And he's holding on to the moral high ground instead of seeing that this could be resolved as a team, that we are both supposed to be on the same side.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 19/04/2015 20:55

So she planned to stay out for night and presumably booked a hotel and then at the last minute decided to go home?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 19/04/2015 20:56

I'm not sure it is the moral high ground, more anger at having been cornered

It's disappointing that he can't see your point if view at all

Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 21:05

No, from what he said it was never the plan that she was going to stay out all night but because he said that she had gone to a city which is quite far away, it implied (or I assumed) that she was staying out all night. Surely a normal person would have just set the record straight instead of dragging things on and increasing the level of drama??? Unless he really doesn't give a monkeys or is perversely enjoying the animosity between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 21:06

Either way, it's rather sad... we are supposed to be a team.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 19/04/2015 21:07

Angered at having been cornered? How so? From what he said, all he cares about is how I ignored him. I didn't! I replied just not as frequently as he wanted and after he didn't respond the sleepover reference, I wasn't my normal loving self.

OP posts:
Romeyroo · 19/04/2015 21:09

I think that is a difficult situation - my XH would think nothing of staying with his ex and their DD, he believed it was best for their DD to see them getting along. I did actually find it hard to deal with in the end, because it seemed like there were no boundaries.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 19/04/2015 21:10

Honestly? I think he has lied or is feeling guilty and is trying to turn the tables

I don't necessarily mean cheating but perhaps he has enjoyed the family time and doesn't want to admit it or he knows his whole approach was wrong

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