Tonight DH is at his old family home looking after his children...

[VixforVictory]

and I feel so uncomfortable that twice now I've been very close to replying to his last message with something horribly bitchy along the lines of "have fun, wear a condom". I know, I know. But am I really that wrong for not being happy about it? He only told me after he was already there and I asked what they were up to. For the record, he was the one messaging me as I was rushing around with things to do. It's happened twice in the space of a month and I am not sure whether to believe him. His DC only come to us during the holidays, otherwise he goes to them and in a relative's spare room - or so he says? There's so much history to our relationship (mostly from DH's side) that I feel that I am always having these horrible ups and downs and doubting myself. If I am wrong to feel this way then I am going to start a problem by not wishing good night or sending a nasty reply... But I can't pretend it isn't bothering me either. It would most certainly bother him if it was the other way around!!!

Op, I feel for you, but have to say that your comment "she'd take him back at the drop of a hat". I feel that that's so unlikely.

Find me a poster on mumsnet whose husband left her, remarried, nearly a decade ago (?) who would "have him back at the drop of a hat".

oh, and he cheated on her during their marriage?

OP, I mean this kindly, I'm sure she would want better for herself than your husband even if it suits her to let him take a fair share of the responsibility.

If you go to the bother of divorcing a husband, and she hardly did it on a whim, then I'm sure she will not have him back at the drop of a hat!!!

I don't think I could stand for this. I think you should give an ultimatum. Either stop this or you will be filing for a divorce for unreasonable behaviour. It's not a question of trust. He is settling back into his old life and you are left out in the cold. Not acceptable.

No sleep and I can't stop thinking and it's making me angry now...

Sorry, it's hard to convey it all properly on posts. We've had countless conversations about the ins and outs of this visiting arrangements. What I meant with "I didn't say anything" was the he knows I think it's far from ideal but I accepted it on the basis that I thought it was going to be a rare occasion. However, two weeks later and he's there again and this time he's kept quiet about it. It's the quiet about it which is probably more of a problem, there's always been secrecy / lack of transparency which has really dented my trust as far as this part of his life goes.

As for the exw, he's never said anything BUT there is plenty of evidence that she has not moved on, which go way beyond the amicable relationship. Do remember that as I said, he claims that it was her suggestion but last time I went with him, she did everything within her power to cancel it and it was her that suddenly said that the children couldn't miss their weekend activities. It ended up being a day, as opposed to a weekend, and we didn't even have lunch with one of his DC as she was making him something. Basically, we did a 7 hour trip for about 3 hours contact with one of his DC. However, this is not about her feelings (and I probably shouldn't have mentioned it). This is about DH possibly manipulating the situation and not being fair / transparent / entirely honest with me. I said to him at the start of our relationship, as a massive hint, that sometimes we have to 'be cruel, to be kind' and let the other person go so that they can move on. The impression I had then was that he was abusing the situation (taking advantage of the fact that she can't seem to be able to say 'no' to him) for convenience sake and maybe because it's some twisted ego boost. Do you know what I mean?). And now we don't seem to be able to make any progress on this.

I also made it clear right from the start that we wouldn't survive without trust and transparency. I won't always like what I hear, either because I am being unreasonable or because it's inappropriate / wrong, but we still need to be open and honest about things. It's been hard work and we are still nowhere near it by the looks of it. I know, and I still went on to marry him...

And that fiasco of a trip was his regular weekend visit, not add-hoc, btw.

Then arrange to go with him each and every time. It is sad that you feel powerless in this situation. Or stay in a B & B nearby and make sure you are involved in every activity. She has declared war with this as she knows it must be hurtful and unsettling to your marriage. He has said nothing to you because he knows you will be upset so I think this should be forgiven as I wouldn't put it down to deliberate deceit. If you let it be a thing of trust between you and your DH then the ex wife has won that round. IMHO of course.

It sounds like you think she is doing her best to win him back OP? Maybe she is as she has unfinished business.

I just wanted to add a view from the other side, as the ex who has the father of her children stay occasionally. this post is not at all in any way intended to diminish your feelings op, as if it's making you uncomfortable then something obviously needs to give. I just wanted to add this as sometimes it is black and white and we are not all crazy women desperate for our exs back, just trying to do what is best for our children.

my ex comes to stay sometimes as he lives around 300 miles away as he moved back to his home town. we are both on little money so hotels etc is not an option. they go to his in Schook holidays but for birthdays etc that fall in term time, he comes to stay for one or two nights. it used to be more but as we are both in new relationships it is when is necessary. there is nothing between us any more. we don't want to be back together and are both happy in our respective relationships. it is all for the children as without doing this then they would hardly see him. I guess things would be different if either of our partners were uncomfortable about it (mine isn't as we have talked about it at length, I'm not sure about ex's as only know what he has told me, but that is up to him to deal with) but I would be sad for my children if they were only able to see their dad in the holidays.

like I said before, this is in no way intended to minimise how you are feeling op, it is more to show that sometimes it can be as innocent as just for him to see his children, there is nothing between us anymore apart from wanting what is best for our children

OP you don't trust him because you know he cheated on his wife when they were married. That's understandable, he now has form for making bad decisions.

And that is where your problem lies.

He could walk into the house to find his ex draped naked over the sofa and the kids nowhere in sight.

Your problem is that you don't know what he would do. Would he turn around, walk straight out and drive back home to you, or not? This is what is killing you.

If you are not sure that you partner values you enough not to risk losing you, then I don't think the relationship is a good one, a strong one, or likely to last. Sorry but there has to be trust.

Sounds brilliant Diary . OP says she knows his ex wants him back and he arranges these sleepovers without telling her.

ah, I missed that, I thought the idea that ex wanted him back was speculation from other posters sorry op.

I think he knew that although I didn't make any comments first time, that a second sleepover in a month wasn't going to get a positive response.

He should have told me before he went, there have been too many occasions when he went for the most convenient option and lied / hid things to cover up (all related to him seeing the children) and not enough openess / honesty / transparency from the start. So here we are, in a pile of pooh, really and me losing sleep over it and feeling like I am being treated like a prize idiot.

Yes, daryl, I do agree with everyone that said that they wouldn't touch their exes and that very few ex-wives would contemplate taking their exhs back - I wouldn't touch my exh if he was the last man alive. This is different though and she's told the world how her family & friends keep telling her off for not having moved on, so hardly a secret!

You sound really smart Vix and if he hadn't openly said anything about her wanting him back, it is probably as you've stated.

I don't have much to add other than you need to have it out with your DH.. Make it clear this is a deal breaker for you (as it sounds like it is) and he should start looking for alternate accommodation each and every visit.

His exw has no right to reduce the amount of contact so presume this isn't court sanctioned. I would suggest that tbh - then it is all agreed and she can't stop him, and you with him, spending time with his DC which is their right.

Good luck - as I said, you sound smart and switched on so I hope you can work it out.

I'm baffled, tbh. You say he's told you she isn't there. You're not sure. So why don't you just arrange to join him on these times where she's not there?

Obviously you have issues with this, but you've known this was an issue since the very beginning of your relationship, according to your posts. Did you marry him expecting him to change? Has he always had this type of visitation? You seem a bit like you're jealous not only of her but of the time he is spending with them.

Just be honest and tell him you feel hurt. He won't get defensive if you say it like that and will hopefully make him want to sort it out.

He is being tremendously unfair to his ex if she still has feelings for him; every time he goes there he's resurrecting the ghost of their old family life together even if she's not physically there at the time. There will probably be bits and bobs of his littered round the house from his stays e.g toiletries, stray items of clothing etc which is hardly going to help her move on.

This is why it's also hugely unfair on you and you need to put a stop to it either by accompanying him or insisting contact occurs elsewhere. He's currently putting his feelings first, the Ex's second and yours last - it would be a dealbreaker for me.

I'm sorry OP, but I think you are being unreasonably jealous. But that could just be my own baggage. I have an ex who I split up with many, many moons ago, when we were young, but we remained friends. Then two or three years after splitting up we both got into new relationships. But I found it infuriating and ridiculous that our then partners were jealous, because not only had we split up we had had plenty of time to get back together again if we'd wanted to, but we didn't.

And then again, I split up with my dd's father because he was an abusive twat. Seventeen years later, his girlfriend is jealous of me!!!

I understand the green-eyed monster, I have been a victim of it myself, but because of that, I would never get involved with a man who had already shown he was capable of cheating.

Can I ask why the hotel option wouldn't work? If it's cost, I think it's worth cutting back in other areas to achieve this, and as in Travelodge type rooms a double is as cheap as a single, you could both stay there. If it's because the ex stays out overnight, maybe an agreement where the kids come to you for one weekend a month and the ex makes that her staying out weekend? It's worth really thinking about options.

S you thought he was going for the day and then he told you he was staying?

Isn't that the sort of thing you should be discussing and agreeing? If she wanted to go for an overnight why couldn't she have driven them half way?

The whole thing doesn't sound right, you also seem unsettled in the relationship and mistrusting of him....is your relationship in a good place?

Have you both considered moving nearer to where his kids live? But on the whole I don't think that a three hour journey to your place every two weeks is too much for them every couple of weeks. They are not babies. That would be better surely then they have a home with both of you as well

Alice I am most certainly not jealous of his time with his children, regardless of whether I am present or not. Nor am I jealous of any time that he has to do anything that he wants, I say that without hesitation. He should have told me what the set up was before he went, just like in the past he's hidden and lied about things to do with his arrangements - mainly because he wanted to go for the that was most convenient for him.

Tendon I am sorry but I do think it's rather silly to take them (and the pet??) into a hotel for the night, in the same town where they live. I agree with the DC coming to us once a month but that only happened once, as it was decided that they couldn't miss their activities at the weekends.

Whether I like it or not, I would now be looking at the whole situation in a completely different way if there had been transparency and honesty from the start. We've been working on it but then something like this happens where he should at least have mentioned it before he went, and it takes a few steps back again. If it was all normal and simple (like some of the examples given here) then there should be no reason for secrecy and lies, don't you think?

I understand they have activities but im sure like all of us, they can miss them once every couple of weeks. Does the Mum not want/like them coming to you do you think?
Your not wrong to be upset that he makes plans to stay in his ex wifes house with or without her, without telling you.

Christina no, he was going to stay the night which is what he normally does but stays with a relative and takes the DC out during the day. The change was that he stayed at her house instead, for the second time in a month, as she was spending the night elsewhere.

That's what I wrote to him, that they should have come to us instead of him staying there for the night. If all he says is true about there not being anything than it means that they are all in a happy place - it suits him in terms of expense and convenience, it suits her as she gets her own time and it suits the children as they are at home. The only person left standing there, feeling rather foolish is me. Foolish because that level of familiarity on a bi-weekly basis unsettles me and foolish because he keeps things from me. But then, how would you feel if you suddenly heard that your DP had spent the evening having a lovely family bbq with his children and ex at the family home? It's not necessarily rational but is it just me that thinks that it would unsettle most people??

LaiLoo they are referred to and treated as babies.