Tonight DH is at his old family home looking after his children...

[VixforVictory]

and I feel so uncomfortable that twice now I've been very close to replying to his last message with something horribly bitchy along the lines of "have fun, wear a condom". I know, I know. But am I really that wrong for not being happy about it? He only told me after he was already there and I asked what they were up to. For the record, he was the one messaging me as I was rushing around with things to do. It's happened twice in the space of a month and I am not sure whether to believe him. His DC only come to us during the holidays, otherwise he goes to them and in a relative's spare room - or so he says? There's so much history to our relationship (mostly from DH's side) that I feel that I am always having these horrible ups and downs and doubting myself. If I am wrong to feel this way then I am going to start a problem by not wishing good night or sending a nasty reply... But I can't pretend it isn't bothering me either. It would most certainly bother him if it was the other way around!!!

Twice in a month but how many times over their 3 year marriage?

He should have been honest with you but you have to accept that he will go see his children one or two times a month due to the distance. You mentioned that he's done this before getting with you. This is his commitment to his children regardless of marriage.

Well, he doesn't want to have a conversation. I don't want to threaten to call it a day on our marriage but I do feel tempted when I see his 'I can't be bothered with this' type of attitude. Yes, he was sending the most loving messages and telling me how he had ordered his outfit for an event that we are due to attend, etc. That was until his supposedly sleeping arrangements came up.

Recently, it has felt like I am the one doing all the work to get us through talking and sorting things out. It feels like he'd be happy to move into the spare room and throw our relationship away. I don't want him running after me, especially not if I am on the wrong, but aren't we supposed to sit and talk / clarify things?

So he's cheated on his wife, shitting on his family in the process and now he's being deceitful and having a go at
something very much like
gaslighting when you confront
him? This doesn't sound like a
man who has addressed issues
in his own personality. The entitlement issues that meant he could give himself permission to fuck another woman while still
married.
If he hasn't had a good look at himself sinced he cheated, I'd be concerned about his behaviour too OP. You don't have the trust issues - it's him. And those 100 little love gestures he does and says every day are meaningless if he can't bring himself to be an adult and discuss this when you're hurting

Yes, you are. Whether it is justified or not, you are hurt and upset by something he has done, so you should be able to talk about it and try and see each other's point of view

My STBXH often stays here at the family home with the children If I'm away on a girly weekend. I don't have parents that can babysit for two/three nights and ex lives too far away for kids to go to school from his. My ex had an affair. I would never have him back. i think your problem is trust - not the fact that he stays at the family home.

By trust issues I don't mean that is your fault. Sounds like he doesn't tell you the truth. I wouldn't like that - but then he is experienced in lying if he had an affair whilst married.

I would now be inclined to text something like: 'It doesn't help matters to try to make me feel guilty when it's not me who has been hiding details of what I am doing and where. I don't want to have any further discussions by text either, but I do want us to have a serious face to face discussion about our future approach to this after the weekend'. And then I would leave it till he was back and start the talk then.

You both sound like you need to grow up a bit and learn to communicate better with each other. And work on trust issues, as well. Perhaps some counselling for both of you?

Where did he go and sleep .?

His lack of honesty and evasiveness are personality traits that pre-date your relationship and your subsequent marriage, why did think he would be different? This is who he, your love for him hasn't changed him.

Hi Vix,
Isetan kind of sums it up. Just wondered if you managed to have a productive conversation with your DH, and if a better way forward for you all has been found?

I feel you could do to talk to a counsellor or someone not involved in this to sort out your feelings.

But I don't get keeping you separate from his DCs. The DCs will be around all of your and DH's lives, there will be marriages, graduations etc etc. You should be part of their scene.

Perhaps the ex just doesn't like the idea of you stepping into her mothers role when she is away, after all DH is their DF, you are not even related. I would find it a bit weird if I was her.

But if DH and ex want to play things this way then you must be included. If you say you want to part of DC's lives rather than that you don't trust DH you might get somewhere.

If he is cheating on you then you don't want him anyway. If he isn't you need to sort out a more workable arrangement (workable for you) - maybe go with him sometimes and you stay in a hotel. The big distances make everything harder. But the DCs won't be young for ever, when they are older they can drive to you.

I am assuming the ex is away when she claims that she is.

Hi there, things are calmer but we haven't stopped and there has been no real opportunity for us to talk. We'll have time at the weekend and I suggest me going with him every other weekend - this has created so much friction between us, it's untrue.

I agree with Isetan but I wanted to believe that the evasiveness and deceit were circumstancial - he knew I would approve of his ever convenient arrangements, staying at the ex's house (not having to ask relatives for favours, etc) so his way of dealing with it was by lying or not staying anything. He has made a point of calling me at night to chat, including when he was looking after his DC at their house a few weeks ago. But, perhaps because the mistrust is now so deeply engrained (or I am just very insecure), I can't help questioning every single step that he takes as far as his visits there are concerned. If he doesn't call (in his eyes because I hadn't bothered to reply to his messages), I immediately think that the arrangement isn't what he says and that he's manipulating the situation so that I think it's my fault. On that note, he's always said that I don't need to wait for him to call me but can ring him whenever I want.

I forgot to say: thank you! Thank you for sharing your views, giving me advice and above listening

I get where you're coming from. I don't suppose any women would be happy and let's be honest. I know you're worried enough. You don't need me a faceless wonder on the Internet adding to it but he has after all got previous for cheating on his wife. Understandably you can't be blamed for having slight paranoia.
However that's not to say anything is or will go on. I don't want you going out of your mind.
But I don't get what you wanted to achieve by the wear a condom statement. That's an odd thing to say to your partner.

Hope your talk goes well Vix. The main thing is that your not happy with the way things are and its causing you to feel mistrustful which is not good for either of you. It probably is exactly what he says it is and he stays there in the evening when she is out whilst he babysits and get to spend quality time with his kids in their home. I think the idea of going and staying nearby in a hotel is brilliant and then he can return to you of an evening and also you can spend some time in the days going out with him and his kids. I would come at the talk from a point of view that you felt hurt that he hadn't told you prior to his going there again and then offer your idea rather than tell him you mistrust him/her etc. Good Luck.