Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

Good for you Truly, this just highlights what kind of man he really is...lying in bed with ow while his ds is ill

Keep angry

Faire - yes, I did think this morning I'm going to be like a Phoenix - the best version of me that I can be...

DS will probably have a sleep soon, as he's still not well - so I will have a rest then too.

Have had no response from DH at all. It wouldn't surprise me if he keeps away - he's a coward, and also he probably thinks he just needs to let me cool off, and then I'll be back to lovely, patient, understanding Truly.

And I have my parents back and forth here this weekend, so he won't want to face them either.

Spineless twunt.

Hope for his sake OW is amazing, fabulous, totally devoted to him and not the opportunistic, self-serving, status-chasing, hard-nosed cow everyone else seems to think she is.

Just wanted to say
walk out on his kids sleeping innocently in their beds while I was in the shower

What an enormous twat.

Glad to see you are resolving this.

De lurking to say well done for seeing the situation for what it is!
Tell him to accept responsibility for his actions and you're not a doormat he can wipe his feet on any time he sees fit.
When kids are ill it brings it home how twats like him have let them down.
He has shat on all of you from a great height.
Move on with your life, he doesn't deserve any of you.

Also de lurking to say I am so pleased that you seemed to have turned that emotional corner and I hope your DS feels better soon.

From personal experience I agree it is definitely better to tell the age-appropriate truth about OW and that you haven't just drifted apart - I agree with MaMa if the kids see hurt they will feel that hurt so stay as matter-of-fact as you can but without coming across coldly. When my DH and his ex split up because ex had met someone else, they both sat down with their DCs together and explained they were separating and that it was mutual and amicable etc. All was ok for the first few months but over time the DC tied themselves up in knots trying to understand a situation that wasn't understandable without the facts - sadly it did a lot of damage as they eventually apportioned blame as they saw fit and we are all still experiencing the effects of this.

It's different where a couple have grown apart and genuinely come to a mutual agreement to separate because it'll be a planned and thought out process with both parties wanting the same thing, emotions won't be running quite as high so it's much more likely the kids won't be messed around/let down regarding contact and actions will correspond with words. But if DC are being told one thing and experiencing another they will look for answers and may incorrectly blame you or even themselves. It would have been painful at the time for my DSC to find out about ex's affair but at least they could have got some kind of closure rather than taking it upon themselves to try and solve what was for them a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces missing and end up feeling pain anyway but now with a load of ingrained false perceptions left to undo.

Good luck with your chat

Glad you're feeling like you are, well done. Just be aware though, that the minute you get strong, he'll want you again. Because you're human, you will probably be tempted. Please don't, cos I can almost guarantee you that once he has his feet back under your table he will leave it a few weeks, and once he's forgotten how much he wanted you again, he will risk it all by starting up with her again. Their passion will be stronger than ever , because of the weeks apart. I take no pleasure in knowing this scenario inside and out, and not from the perspective of the wife, but shamefully for me, from the side of the mistress. Not something I'm proud of now, and I wasted a lot of years on that man.

Did he turn up truly ?

Yes he turned up - DS has been okay but he was asleep for 4 hours this afternoon, so DH didn't get to see him, and now DD has this stomach bug.

I'm a bit shaken, because before I could say anything, DH said he finds it unbearable being away from the children, and knowing that he wasn't here in the night for DS has undone him completely. He has told OW this morning that he thought he could make a life with her and see his children on weekends - but he misses family life, he still loves me, and that he can't live without the children.

I told him I was still going to tell the DCs, as they were due to come back at 6pm - but their dad didn't get them back here til 8pm, as DD has the tummy bug. So I couldn't do it..fuck sake.

He is having the children tomorrow whilst I'm out for the day, and I've said we still have to tell them.

It doesn't change the situation at all for me at the moment, but right now, I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, I was in a howling mess after he left, and I just need to pull myself back together.

He knows he has to go through this, I know he has to go through this.

You know what truly for a 50 year old, he really needs a big dose of 'grow the fuck up'

Even if I thought for one minute that he is in emotional turmoil because of some real confusion due to a midlife crisis, he has and is treating you appallingly.

I would be seriously skeptical. Whose to say, he won't change is mind tomorrow, next week, month. He really needs to set himself free of ow and spend time in his own counselling before I would entertain the idea. and even then i wouldn't

You could spend the next year like the last year (I'd put money in it) or you could get out there date, have some fun, and potentially meet someone mature enough to handle life. And to treat you as you should be treated, instead of being unable to accept he can only have one cake from the sweet trolley.

If he was here right now, it would be getting a right gobful from me. I would be pulling no punches.

The guy is possibly one of the most self absorbed I have ever seen.

He is playing with your children's feelings so that he can prolong this drama that he has been enjoying so much for the last year.

You need to protect your children (two of whom have no reason to be subjected to an ongoing relationship with this wanker) from this man.

I think you also get something out of this ridiculous, adolescent nonsense.

But it is not on to subject the children to this crap any more.

He has moved out and is living with his partner.

The children need to know where they stand and what is going on in their family.

And they need to be protected from the manipulative, self-indulgent emotional incontinence of this absolutely shit man you brought into their lives.

Oh Truly!!

I am sorry but not surprised actually that your difficult time dragged on for another year.

Now he says he is heartbroken because he is away from his kids. Wow. Really?? Please don't be pulled back into this.

He will not set you free because he is weak. You need to be strong and separate from him.

He will let you and your children down again and again. And weasling back and back. This will never end if you don't do it.

Don't take him back please! He will play house for a couple of months the OW will be back on the scene.

Good luck! I love your newfound resolve, stay strong.

I'm sorry Truly, just as you take a step forward he drags you down again

He has put you on an emotional roller coaster and it must be exhausting. In your more tired moments you probably just want to go back to how it was , it would be so much easier. Keep reminding yourself what this man has done, give yourself some time and space to sort your head out and figure out what YOU want

What an utter knob. Playing this push me pull me game. Who cares what he feels. How very bloody dare he. I hope he ends up single and alone in some damp bedsit somewhere. Sorry you are upset - keep disengaging from him and his silly dramas.

Truly, hope your ds is ok now.

He is very likely crapping himself you'll go and file for divorce. He will try and get you to deal with him about any financial agreements. Do not do this.

File for divorce. Don't agree to anything on emails financially " I'll have to check with my sol before agreeing anything"

And tell the DC- I told mine quite casually over dinner. For them, it was better with just me there as my ex would have made it all about him. The DC wanted to know why so I said we didn't like each other enough to stay married but he was still their father etc etc. My ds pushed it to know more detail and I said it was grown up stuff for when they were older.

He needn't know you are considering counselling. He doesn't need to know any details of your life. Don't tell him anything. And he can't go! Does he think it's some kind of performance review?

Don't let him be in your house alone, he will nose about.

Well he told you that he said those things to the other woman. Told her he still loves you. But did he? You will never know what he actually says to her. He is playing the two of you off against each other still, one year on. Same thing, different time.

This was predictable. Get professional guidance to help you with a route map for whatever direction you go in.

Awful as his behaviour has been it is horribly common in men that age. I also believe that when someone reaches MD in a company they are very used to being flattered and they like it very much. Even the best of them. By comparison, home life with children and a wife who love you but don't bow and scrape and expect you to make your own sandwiches can seem mundane when compared to a fantasy. This doesn't excuse - jus t an attempt at a possible explanation.
It usually pans out like this.
Good luck with whatever you do next

He isn't necessarily playing you off. He almost certainly did feel in love with someone else. It took time for him to realise infatuation is not love and that a marriage is something different. Elementary to most, I know, and he is probably rather selfish and emotionally immature - at least at this point in his life.
He is probably very confused just now. He would be likely to benefit from some individual counselling before Marriage counselling, if reconciliation is what you choose.

FFS. Is his plan to do this every 9 months? Keep himself centre of his own little drama and messing up everyone else's lives in the process?

He may not intentionally be playing them off but that is what is happening. OW will want him more because he is pulling away from her. Truly will want him because he says he loves her. This has all happened before.

Truly you know, I know, we all know, this is what he does.

He is trying to keep both of you, just like he always has. How many times have you heard this before. He will never give her up. We can all see the pattern.

He is going to do more predictable things now, so prepare yourself for them.

He will become a physical wreck, break down crying, begging forgiveness and he may even threaten suicide. Your response to all of this should be to ignore, ignore, ignore. Unless you are communicating about contact for the children, it is of no interest to you. If he does threaten to top himself, offer to call the police for him. That's it. Don't get involved. Remember to detach.

He may then get awkward about finance, withdraw from you and the children or tell you that he is going to go for full custody, or at least 50/50 custody of his child. Again ignore, ignore, ignore. This is just an attempt to make you do what he wants.

He will probably flip from being sorry, making lots of promises to change, etc. to being arsey and difficult with you. These are tactics to make you crumble.

Keep detaching and you will get through it all much quicker and easier than if you engage with his drama.

Remember, this is all for show, there is no way he has changed in a matter of weeks. It will take many years and professional counselling to help him change and that will only work if he wants to do it for himself, not to just get back with you. If he only wants to change to get what he wants, that's not change is it, that is still self-serving.

Is he having the children at your house tomorrow? I thought you said that was going to stop. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Hope your dd recovers quickly and no-one else gets it, it really is a nasty virus x

As ling as you.are letting him play happy families in your sanctuary then you can not move on. You ate stuck in this drama. It should stop at the door.

It has not started up again between him and OW, it never stopped. He has most likely been in a sexual relationship this whole time he was with you. The affair didn't stop. Doesn't that make you feel angry? Use that anger.

And stop believing anything that comes out if his mouth. He is stuck in his midlife crises and can't find his way out. The only way you can be with him again is if you change the way you ate playing this, properly. If you want a reconciliation down the line without him still being with her then you have to play hard ball.

Agree with others. You have been here before.
You sound like you are not going to back down, but I do hope you keep that resolve.
He is playing you and the best thing you can do is to stick to a separation and divorce.