Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

My exH wants us to wait u till we could tell our dc at the right time (one was away on a school trip so it was complicated by that). I couldn't do it in the end because I was v upset and when they asked questions I would have had to lie to them. I couldn't do that. I knew he was lying about there being no one else (he continued to lie until faced with evidence by me and told he had to tell them). I told them one by one, not a perfect solution but the best I could do in the circumstances.

I had to learn that I was no longer responsible for. Facilitating their relationship with him. No reminders about birthdays, Father's Day etc he is responsible for his contact with them, and he screws up and hurts them - particularly when they see him playing happy families with his SD and new wife.

Your relationship with your dc is what matters now. They have to know that you will be honest with them IMO. The best thing to come out of my divorce is a stronger relationship with my dcs - and bizarrely some of my ex in laws who now relate to me as ME not his dw. Mutual friends have become my friends, not because they took sides but because he moved away and in the flush of new love stopped bothering about them. I have never needed to be critical of him to anyone - his own actions tell a better story.

I tell the dc that their df is not a bad person, but I think he has made some bad choices but he believes he has made them for good reasons. They are very aware of his capacity for self deception now, they have seen it and heard it.

I a quite emotionally detached from my ex, I hear stories of what he's up to every now and then with no impact (4 yrs divorced). I think the detachment route you are taking is the right one, but please be honest with your dc.

Truly - the victim thing... He will do that, no doubts whatsoever but if you are feeling strong and detached - you want care. If anything, it should help harden your heart and hopefully help you see how manipulative he is...

I also followed your other thread under a different name - and I disagree that nothing has changed. You sound stronger - although, and I mean this kindly, you may have a way to go here - and far more in control.

Just around contact in your home will be confusing for your DC - they won't understand you're separated. I think once you've told them in whatever way works for you, that's when he has to start spending time with them outside of the old marital home. There are lots of options if he doesn't want to take them to his flat but letting him into your home will just give the DC false hope...

But KOKO - you do sound in a much better place. Good Luck!

Sorry - you won't care...

Thanks Christophe - one of the reasons why I now feel it is right to tell the children, is because I don't then have to play 'happy families' and allow him to think he's keeping the door open if he wanted to come back.

I am fine with being perfectly pleasant and civil with him in front of the children, but I would actually like to do some things for myself on the weekend - and he doesn't seem to have thought about what weekend contact would actually entail with the children - not putting them to bed, not spending time with them in the family home.

I think he's so convinced that I will always just hold on and wait for him to decide, and martyr myself so as not to have the children hurt - and despite me saying several times that he can't just change his mind and come home - he's just not hearing or accepting that I would actually mean that, and that I'll just go along with how he wants it.

Which is why I know I have to be really firm and decisive and determined now.

I feel sorry and wish that the DCs did not have to go through this again, but if I'm not having him manipulating and stirring my feelings up spending time around him, then I can focus on reassuring and comforting them, and being really positive and showing them that whilst it's sad, they can have a 'lovely' time just with him, and then we'll do other things together, and that life will be okay.

Good luck, Truly, you sound like you are coming out of the shock and got your head on straight.

The children do need to be told you have split up. It's not fair to leave them in limbo because he finds it easier, and I'm sure you'll find the best way.

On contact - your ex needs to face up to the fact that he has left, this is no longer his home, and things can't be the same. I know you want to work with him amicably for the sake of the children, and good for you, but you also have to think of yourself a little bit now too. Maybe you can agree for him to be at your house (and put it that way to him) with them while you are there, but if you are out, he needs to take the children out. And he can't have the whole weekend, you need relaxing time with the children weekends too, so perhaps he has Saturday and you have Sunday each week for now. I understand why you don't want to do the normal every other weekend children staying at his at the moment! He'll just have to work around you, really, you are being more than cooperative. I think it would be reasonable to offer him one weekend day and a weekday evening or two.

Please don't tell them that its was 50-50 you wanted to split up - that really would be being the martyr - the only one you would be protecting would be him - and your kids WILL eventually find out the truth and then you too will be someone they can't trust (like him).

I think he's so convinced that I will always just hold on and wait for him to decide, and martyr myself so as not to have the children hurt - and despite me saying several times that he can't just change his mind and come home - he's just not hearing or accepting that I would actually mean that, and that I'll just go along with how he wants it.

This is why you need to stop contact in your house. It is actions, not words, that will get through to him. You can completely detach and he will see this.

At the moment all he sees is an open door and a welcoming smile.

What Fairenuff says. Even if you know you wouldn't have him back he still thinks that you will. Only your actions will show him that you won't.

Faire - Thanks! You're right - I've been waiting and watching whether he's going to back up his promises to the children / to me with actions - which just aren't forthcoming - so yes, I need to force the message home to him with my actions. It's not enough to for me to know I'm detaching and I care less - he's so wrapped up in himself he won't notice that until I completely change my behaviour towards him.

Truly, you are truly amazing! From day to day your mind is clearer and you are more determined. For years you have been trying to please him for your kids' sake- you spent a full year trying to put up with his unthinkable behavior- again for the kids' sake. Now that you understood that all your efforts are not benefitting your kids, you are ready to change your behavior, to find back your authentic self to protect and love them (an also to protect and love yourself). You know in just a few days I have seen a huge progress in you: in just a few days you have been able to 'break free' from a pattern of thinking and behaving to which you complied for years. In just few days you have been able to find back your authentic self and your pure love for your kids. I am sure in just a few days you will behave in such a way that he will understand that the true truly is now standing up to protect her kids- not to please him, not to destroy him and certainly not to invite him to come back whenever he feels like it- no nothing to do with him. And in just a few days you will find time to take care of yourself and do nice things just for yourself!

(I am sure that last year was not a waste of time; we do take a few steps backward before we do leap with great strength). You are an inspiration! Very few people are able to change in such a short time. Your big mama heart is your secrete! Have a nice week end! xxxxxxx

MaMa - thank you - I have felt a complete change of mindset this week. I realised that with him treating me like just a possible option - I have options to, and I can opt not to be treated like this.

Cold rage this morning helping me keep that strength and determination.

Did feel wobbly last night at thought of seeing him today, and wondering if I could hold my resolve being around him.

Youngest DS woke at about 11pm crying and distressed - I brought him into my bed, and he was violently sick (all over my new M&S bedding and duck down duvet), and carried on being sick, shaking and clammy for the next 3 hours.
At one point, I felt so furious and let down at DH not being here for his son, and DS was asking for Daddy that I sent him a brief text and then rang him at about 12.30am (stupid, I know, I know). But seeing as he didn't answer - I'm well aware that he's having a cosy night sleep with his OW.

It just brought into crystal clear focus, that he's left his children, walked out on a 3 year old son for another woman. Just for a woman.

And whilst I shouldn't have even tried ringing him, I can't even depend on him or get hold of him if ever I need to.

So - that makes it a bit easier to tell him I want nothing more to do with him, he can visit DS briefly today, he can take the rest of his possessions, I'll be talking to the DCs later this evening, and we can make financial arrangements and contact arrangements about the DCs on email from now on.

I might have accepted him cheating on me last year, but to walk out and leave your children is unforgivable.

Thank god you've found your rage truly.

How are you both feeling this morning?

Dare I ask about the bedding?

I'm tired, raging but quite calm and resolute.

How dare he let his children down so much?

He texted saying he'd just seen my message - and how was DS and he'd call later.

I've told him not to call. That he can collect his belongings and see DS this afternoon whilst the other DCs are with their own father. I will talk to the children this evening. That we'll make financial and contact arrangements over email, and that I don't want to see him any more. And that he has made his choice - he has chosen her over his children.

I am going to tell the children that he has met someone else that he has feelings for, that he is moving out, that we both love them hugely, and that they'll continue to see him - but that we are still our own little family, in our lovely new home.

End of. Job done. Moving on.

I've lurked on both threads. I posted on the old one by mistake!

Glad you are getting angry now, and the resultant change in your behaviours towards your H will bring him up short.

You are thinking more clearly. Tell the children the truth.

Oh the bedding! - have washed it twice, so hopefully okay! My duck down duvet will have to be dry cleaned though..

Hooray.

Rage is good. Rage means i am no longer putting up with crap.

Sorry about Ds. How is he now?

I'd be angry at him not being contactable. What if it had been a 999 emergency?

Go Truly.

So happy you are ready to start putting yourself before that waste of space.

I know, Sass - in retrospect I shouldn't have even bothered calling him - but when a little one is being constantly sick, and is shaking and spaced out and calling for Daddy...

It made me realise - I can't even rely on him in an emergency (so much for "you can ring me anytime") I don't even have his address.

And his response was " I didn't intend not to wake up"

Yes, like he didn't intend to slip his dick into OW, and like he didn't intend to walk out on his kids sleeping innocently in their beds while I was in the shower.

Pathetic.

DS seems okay, a bit pale - I kept him in my bed all night.

Delurking to say I am glad you are finally getting angry. Well done.

Oh fiesty. I love it. Get him told, but in a cold and icy way. Don't shout.

Probably just a one time chuck up 24 hour thing. Mine have it about twice a year.

Wow, well done!! Your finally feeling the anger. Long time coming!

Well done Truly! Sorry for your son. I hope he is better today.
(I hope your bedding are OK).
Do not beat up yourself because you texted him in the night. Like you said now you realize better than he will not be there for emergency cases for you and kids. That will help you make huge steps forward. And really you are on the good path and for good. You do did not let a little falling from your good resolutions (by texting him) distract you on your main aim; in fact it helped you focus better. You know it is like when we drive, and suddenly we realize we just made an error that could have resulted in an accident - this just help us focus better on our journey till the safe end.
Have a nice week end!

Well, while I am really sorry for your DS, it's a bit of a silver lining thing that this small emergency has let you see that he really has deserted you all, which seems to have given you the clarity you need to move on.

You're doing just fine, Truly. Moving on, indeed!

I've told him not to call. That he can collect his belongings and see DS this afternoon whilst the other DCs are with their own father. I will talk to the children this evening. That we'll make financial and contact arrangements over email, and that I don't want to see him any more. And that he has made his choice - he has chosen her over his children.

I am going to tell the children that he has met someone else that he has feelings for, that he is moving out, that we both love them hugely, and that they'll continue to see him - but that we are still our own little family, in our lovely new home.

End of. Job done. Moving on.

What a fantastic post! Sorry your ds is poorly but at least it helped you see the light. This man is a user and will only drag you down.

The Phoenix is rising

What did he say when you told him to collect his belongings and that you don't want to see him again?

Hang on to that anger, it will help you through today. It will also exhaust you so you might start to feel teary and vulnerable again. When that happens, come and post on here, there will always be someone around to support you. Don't go to him at your weakest moments, he will take advantage of that.

Hope you don't all get the sickness bug, it's been going around here too x

Yes, hope you don't get the sick bug. Have you an alternative back up for the children if you do?

I copy perfectly well on my own. But when I am sick, it's really tough.

Well done. Pom poms.