Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

"Too little, too late."
"I don't give a fuck."
"Grow up."

Useful sentences for when he starts going on about himself.

Followed by "I am telling the children on X date, if you haven't by then."

Why are you giving him these options? He has shat on you repeatedly from a great height. Stop listening to his pathetic whining and tell him it is no longer his home and coming back is NOT an option.

And tell him from me he's a cunt.

I tell him every time I see him that coming back is not an option that I'm giving him for the forseeable future.

He says he loves me, cares for me, is attracted to me - but to be honest, I haven't bothered repeating that here - because whilst I think he means it in his own spectacularly fucked up way - it's meaningless, and his behaviour doesn't back that up at all.

And to clarify, I'm not sitting waiting for him to come back at all - I'm looking to get out there on a few casual dates while he babysits spends quality time with the DCs

I've been lurking for ages. Delurked to say that this thread makes me so sad to see a lovely woman consider taking this man back into her life after the pain he's caused. Just because he misses the kids. He should be shunned like a leper.

I think what we are trying to say Truly is you seem to be his best mate, listening to his tales of woe when he's sleeping with another woman, that's a bit fucked up in itself.

Nobody is trying to be mean here, we are trying to and failing to understand why you have so many conversations with him about HIM!

As long as that door is open and your ears are listening, he will think he has every chance of coming back, that's the scary bit, what will you do if he does.

Bloody great re the babysitting, get on the case, you don't have to be going on dates either, you could be going out with mates, get him to actually be responsible for a change.

Hopefully by then you will have a life of your own that doesn't entail being his counsellor or listening ear. His actions do indeed tell you he is not in love with you, he just misses being able to see his kids, that's it.

You may not have said the actual words 'I want you back' , but all your actions show him (and us) that that is exactly what you want. No harm in that, it's your choice, but the way you're going about it is making it so easy I for him to have his cake and eat it.

As others have said, detach totally, no cosy little chats, don't listen to his sad little stories about how upset HE is, tell the kids immediately, tell the rest of the family.

This is the only way to focus his mind. Make him live somewhere ON HIS OWN for the next 6 months and be very sure that you BOTH want to give your marriage another go, before you let him back. Even then sadly, experience has taught be he'll still go running back to the mistress on some pretence, and start up with her again.

Sadly I think your marriage is over, he ended it.

I tell him every time I see him that coming back is not an option that I'm giving him for the forseeable future
Truly, you keep not answering the question everyone is asking, which is "Why is 'for the forseeable future' being tacked onto the end, of what you're saying to him and to what you're thinking?"

I normally stay out of these threads, and I am not invested in this one, but for the people who do give of their time and emotion, it must be very frustrating when there are two entirely different conversations happening. You keep saying some words, but really each of your posts say that you have not made your own decision to end it regardless, and there is hope that he will come back. I think it was super brave of you to come back, but I don't think you're ready for it. And you are not, rightly or wrong, going to get the support to play the game you are currently playing. Wish you well though.

You'd be better off making friends with the OW and talking to your H only by solicitor.

He is using you as an emotional counsellor while he sleeps with another woman and sees his kids when he can cope - he's no great catch is he?

Just tell him to stop whining the next time he starts and stop thinking about him at any other time.

Truly is this real.

When Anyfucker and Cog avoid a thread I'm always curious as to why.

Truly he loves the OW more than you.

AF in particular avoids flogging dead horses.

wrach I think there are rules about troll hunting. Report the thread if you don't think it is real.

I would imagine the rule is there, to protect real people, who are usually in quite a bad state (otherwise why else are they posting) from being made even more upset.

True .

Truly seems to ignore real advise and does nothing constructive to help herself.

I can assure you WrachBach that Truly isn't a troll. We PM'd a lot during and after her previous thread, which led to us meeting up for supper. I know her real name and those of her H, OW and children. Just because a poster doesn't want to accept the advice that's being given to her doesn't mean she isn't real...

Oh and I'm not a sockpuppet!

Fair enough Sass and Anony. I just couldn't seem to understand why it was almost the same as the last thread. My apologies .

I am happy Truly40 that you are persevering.
I was a bit worried that you would take him back.
Now IMO you must work on changing a few misguided thoughts.
I know that you love the kids (all of them). I feel you are a good mum. I feel that you think that if:
1-he loves his kids so much that he is willing to break up with the OW and if
2- he is a good dad
then it is OK to try to rebuild your relationship with him. But IMO it is wrong. Do you know why I think it is wrong? For the simple reasons that:
1- this man is not you. You are a good person and a good mum. If you renew the relationship you will give your 100% heart into it. He might be a good dad but that does not mean that he will be a good partner. As all the ladies said above: at no point you said that he made you believe that he misses you as his companion;

2- his past recurrent behavior clearly shows that he is not a good man. When he is back in the family home he will be a good dad but a cheater again trying to escape from the 'grind' of the everyday family life. (With this OW or another one.) He already did that. Why will not do it again? Unless of course he goes to some counseling on his OWN and sort out his problems and comes up sure about his feelings FOR YOU. In parallel you should work on feeling good about yourself on your OWN. Maybe when you find back your true self you will see him for what he is and be glad that you are not anymore with him. Good Luck! Keep up the good work!

Truly, I wish you all the best but I say with love and honesty, you will never be in control of this situation and happy until you detach from him and no longer want him in your life. You are not prepared to close that door mentally and emotionally right now, understandably. But I promise he knows this, feels this and you are still playing pick me even though you don't know it. I know this is a huge thing and feels massive, but he will never tell you the whole truth regarding OW, nor her the whole truth regarding you. It is all a dance until you detach. Best of luck.

I think you would take him back in a heartbeat. I understand why I really do. You want to have the marriage you dreamt you would have. Just know that if you do let him home you'll be back here next year writing the same sorry tale, unless the OW sees sense and kicks him to the kerb. In which case he will come back and say all the right things - until he finds her replacement.

Good luck OP.

Ok you sat with him or an hour and talked.

That there is the mistake. Right there. It doesn't matter what he said, it's all irrelevant, he will keep trying a variety of words until he accidentally hits on the right ones that make you say he can come back.

Once he is back with you, he will still be seeing OW at work because we all know there is no way on earth he is going to do something as proactive as find himself a different job.

So he will see her every and be texting her and probably meeting up in secret. And you will be back to square one.

But that's okay, Truly, because it is your life, not ours. We don't have to go through this groundhog day life.

If you want anything at all to change, you have to make the changes. Yourself. Not him, you.

Tell the children today and that will be a change. Make an appointment with a solicitor, that will be a change. Stop contact happening in your house, that will be a change. Only communicate with him about the children, that will be a change. Tell all your family and friends you have separated and tell the school, that will be a change.

All these things you could be doing to move forward and you're not doing any of them. That's okay. As I said, it's your life.

You can't keep blaming him for your choices.

Your still chatting for hours with the guy who for the last 18 months has been having a 'passionate affair' with another woman?

Crikey.

He wants to have his cake and eat IG.

He wants the perfect colour supplement family in the lovely home, without the grind and hard work that goes with it.

He wants YOU to create that perfect picture, do all the hard and dirty work (cleaning up sick eh? V glamorous) for him to enjoy.

As someone whose parents went through a very similar scenario -- their marriage dragged on from crisis to crisis for about 10 years, I have spent the rest of my life adjusting to, and changing myself, and teaching myself about constructive relationships. I've had to consciously learn that not all men are pathetic weak men like my father, and not all women are martyred and bitter like my mother. That I could be happy in a marriage.

Do you really want your DC to learn their primary model of marriage from your current situation?

Sometimes it seems as though these guys just want to reel you back in again to prove themselves that they can. And it's no easy ask to turn off feelings of love you've had for someone even though they, as someone rightly said upthread, have shat on you from a great height.

But I have no doubt that sometime, maybe not today, maybe not next week, but sometime, you will have a eureka moment, and that will be the right moment for you to do what you know you have to.

Truly, I agree with all the ladies: Please tell ASAP the kids that you are separated - stick to this- tell the school- STOP LISTENING to him talking about HIS FELINGS/WISHES/HIMSELF. Make it clear that all you want to talk about is the kids and the separation arrangements. BEFORE any meeting with him (and you must LIMIT these meetings to the MINIMUM- in time and frequency), PREPARE a list of TOPICS (limited to kids and separation and finance arrangements: when I say 'KIDS' I mean it in a strict way not in a way like their 'DAD''s feelings or whatever) you want to discuss with him. STICK to it. (Like when you go shopping, try not to be distracted by stuff you do not need- i.e. his egoistical feelings/problems.) Good Luck!

I tell him every time I see him that coming back is not an option that I'm giving him for the forseeable future.

That's exactly where you leave the open door...
Why are you even considering him going back at any point?
You will be better off closing the door permanently.
And the children too. At this time it must be really confusing for them.