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Original poster

Anyone read the times article about how to save your marriage from divorce ?

315 replies

kittensinmydinner · 11/04/2015 13:56

Very briefly, the long and short of it is ... Young children take their toll on a marriage. The 'modern' way of child centred parenting puts too much focus on the children, leading the main carer to stop putting effort into their relationship and the other spouse - working outside the home- to feel pushed out and unloved. (All the love and attention being focussed on the dcs) this leads to resentment from both parties, -Sahp feeling the other doesn't appreciate how hard child caring is, the other feeling they don't matter. Resentment builds until it goes bang - usually but not exclusively with the working parent seeking outside interests to fill the void. The solution. - a la 1950 to put the kids to bed at 7, brush your hair, have dinner ready, bit of lippy ( I'm guessing for the sahm - but who knows) and spend the evening being a spouse not a parent... The philosophy being that by putting your spouses needs before dcs you create a solid foundation for family and happier dcs. Thoughts ladies. Have we gone to far in child centred parenting or is this the holy grail of happy families. ?

OP posts:
IrianofWay · 13/04/2015 14:06

Actually that makes it easier. H and I just go to bed and lock the door of our room! We have had more couple time since my youngest went to secondary school than we had had since DS1 was born.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 14:08

"H went through a jealous phase because he thought the kids were too important to me. Only reason for that was because for most of their lives he had worked long hours or shifts so I was their go-to parent for everything inspite of always working fulltime and doing the lions share of everything at home. He didn't help his cause by going out quite a lot as well. But he seemed to think he should be important to them just because he was their Father without being a loving happy involved presence in their lives. So I jumped through a few more hoops trying to make him happy as well as them and drove myself to depression. Then he had an affair because 'he thought I didn't love him'. Self-pitying bollocks! "

He would change his tune if his mother did not put him first. Guys love their mother, but it is like wives can NOT give their children the same amount attention their mother gave them . And they complain about how their dad were never around or anything like that. hypocrites.

IrianofWay · 13/04/2015 14:13

Oh yes! H's dad left them when H was 4. If there was a 'How-Not-To' book for getting divorced in the least damaging way, H's parents wrote it! He adored his mum as a child but she did something that really hurt him in his late teens and he never really got over it. You'd think he's want better for his kids,

Lweji · 13/04/2015 14:13

He is a bit selfish yes but I can also see it from his point of view.

Can you?
Would you behave like him?

Fromparistoberlin73 · 13/04/2015 14:14

I like many parents work FT, I dont get home until; 7pm

this was I would not see my kids for 5 days a week!

there is some logic through

bensam · 13/04/2015 15:51

I'm inclined to agree with this. Question is - how the heck do you get the DC's in bed by 7?!

Postchildrenpregranny · 13/04/2015 18:52

Think ahead to when your children have grown and flown, as mine have .Will you still have a relationship with DH that is worth having? Will you find that empty nest unbearable ? It is possible to overinvest in your children .I have 4 years between mine and we were very gradually eased back into being 'just' a couple again . Having married and become parents late, we retired 3 years after DD2 left home; we've travelled lots , go to theatre and concerts, walking and really enjoy each other's company (we always did-we have been together nearly 35 years ). It's very easy to slip into being just 'mum' and 'dad'.

We both adore our DDs (all the more precious as we had some trouble having DD2); I do not think they feel they missed out or resented the fact that we occasionally escaped them . As I said above, they are joining us on holiday soon , which I think is a good indicator of the nature of our relationship .

Postchildrenpregranny · 13/04/2015 18:56

I used to wear mine out- swimming was especially good. Lots of playing outside and in parks . Babygym .As we had a 4 year gap, DD1 had a later bedtime after a while and was also allowed to read quietly in bed . But had to stay in her room .

Housemum · 13/04/2015 19:50

Kids don't necessarily have to be asleep by 7 - that was where I feel I should have planned better. As the kids got older, bedtime extended so now the 12 yo is downstairs until 9. I now realise what one of my friends did - hers still went upstairs at 7, but they were put to bed at a later time (when still quite young) and then as they are now late juniors.early primary they know their lights -out times. Would be lovely to know that I could have "grown-up"time after 7.30

Housemum · 13/04/2015 19:50

late juniors/early secondary, I meant

Philoslothy · 13/04/2015 19:56

My older children are not in bed by 7pm, the older ones are in their rooms by 9pm, although ds1 often hangs around until about 9:30ish - he is doing A Levels.

The older ones are not necessarily asleep but they are giving my husband and I the time that we need.

expatinscotland · 13/04/2015 20:08

Really don't understand or the see the point of view of adults who don't understand that very young children have such great needs. It's temporary. They grow up! Surely as an adult this is entirely possible to see?

I mean, being out of kilter about lack of sex when you have a newborn? For real?

In truth I have very little patience for adults who cannot behave as such.

And on top of this, Xenia did speak a line of truth, 'Don't marry a sexist.'

madmomma · 13/04/2015 20:09

I try and look nice for when my husband gets home because why wouldn't I? Doesn't everyone want their partner to fancy them? And I do have my kids in bed at 7 because we both need adult time to relax and unwind. Kids need sane parents and a good nights sleep, so it's winwin.

madmomma · 13/04/2015 20:12

Teens in our house know that no parenting whatsoever will take place after 9pm as one or both of us may well be pissed

DisappointedOne · 13/04/2015 20:47

Hmmmm. DD(4.5) went to bed at 8:15pm and is still singing. I'm in the middle of an OU online tutorial and DH is out pursuing a hobby. We're screwed by the measure of the article.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 23:17

I have compared myself to my ex boyfriends' girlfriends before. I was paying attention to their look when should minded my own business. So maybe that is the problem. This woman is checking "that other woman" out.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/04/2015 23:41

Sorry wrong thread. My phone does this often and take me to wring threads.

BumgrapesofWrath · 13/04/2015 23:59

I read the article. The husband is a cock, and the relationship was "saved" when she pandered to the mardy bastard. I won't be taking the advice....

Oboe1 · 14/04/2015 00:02

In other countries they go to bed much later. I had mine in France and I was the odd one out. 5pm supper, 6pm bath, 7pm bed. My husband liked it that way too- he was too exhausted when he got in to interact with the kids. He preferred having time with them at weekends and holidays. Sounds a bit Downton Abbey but TBH I had had enough after 12 hours of them and needed some down time too! They are all in their 20's now and don't seem maladjusted.

cleoteacher · 14/04/2015 07:09

Dh hasn't put pressure on for sex just mentions it quite a lot. He doesn't get moody about it.

He wants affection I think and wants to touch me but I am just not in that mindset at the moment plus I feel every hug or kiss turns into him wanting more.

He doesn't generally make me feel bad about early bedtimes he just says he feels lonely and we have no time together. I can see why as I can be cold and get wrapped up on having time to myself but with a newborn and a toddler who recently is waking at 5.30 I am tired!

Think this article outlines that it is important to have time as a couple which I Agree with but not at the expense of time on your own or lack of sleep. I wouldn't go as far as to change and get ready for my husband though.

fulltothebrim · 14/04/2015 08:22

There must be a lot of fragile marriages aroun if they are so dependant on kids getting to bed early.

Surrounds all too much like surrendered wife style.

catsrus · 14/04/2015 08:55

Add message | Report | Message poster DisappointedOne Mon 13-Apr-15 20:47:30
... I'm in the middle of an OU online tutorial... Hmm Multitasking eh? So when students tell us their Mics are not working but they are listening intently to what's being said .... They're really all on MN? Wink

DisappointedOne · 14/04/2015 10:02

Pretty much. Grin

Fromparistoberlin73 · 14/04/2015 10:50

what expat said, the time when they are small and highly labour consuming is for a finite period of time.

suck it up!

Darcey2105 · 14/04/2015 12:51

I just read the article. I quite like the fact it was written by her, and 90% of it was to slag off her husband and how bad he was - and he did sound selfish and bad. And 5% was what may be perceived to have been bad of her, and 5% was how they fixed the marriage. You go girl!!!