Anyone read the times article about how to save your marriage from divorce ?

[kittensinmydinner]

Very briefly, the long and short of it is ... Young children take their toll on a marriage. The 'modern' way of child centred parenting puts too much focus on the children, leading the main carer to stop putting effort into their relationship and the other spouse - working outside the home- to feel pushed out and unloved. (All the love and attention being focussed on the dcs) this leads to resentment from both parties, -Sahp feeling the other doesn't appreciate how hard child caring is, the other feeling they don't matter. Resentment builds until it goes bang - usually but not exclusively with the working parent seeking outside interests to fill the void. The solution. - a la 1950 to put the kids to bed at 7, brush your hair, have dinner ready, bit of lippy ( I'm guessing for the sahm - but who knows) and spend the evening being a spouse not a parent... The philosophy being that by putting your spouses needs before dcs you create a solid foundation for family and happier dcs. Thoughts ladies. Have we gone to far in child centred parenting or is this the holy grail of happy families. ?

I actually cannot imaging parenting for possibly 20 plus years and never even having an hour off. I don't mind admitting to being far to selfish and lazy for that.

philoslothy wanting to be around your children 24/7 does not necessarily mean you are a natural mother.

I mean, I can think of several teenagers who would be running for the hills if their parent did not leave them alone for 10 seconds.

But to want to be around your children and never wanting a break is far more maternal than me!

I have no issue in acknowledging that I sometimes get it wrong or that others do it better than me. Like most people I am just muddling along.

I think most people are just muddling along doing their best.

Genuinely I don't want to be away from my kids. I am in my 40s. Had years in my 20s and early 30s when I lived the life you describe, enjoyed it at the time and then, after some difficulties, had my children who I love dearly and don't want to be away from (why would I?).
I am married to a great man who has the same philosophy as me and who loves our family time. We have no grand parental back up (we have parents alive still but they're getting on a bit and so don't offer to help or even make us a cup of tea).

My girls are fantastic human beings who give me so much pleasure. I don't find looking after them hard work. I just love it and am utterly grateful to have the chance to do it.
I don't consider myself to be particularly maternal but I do put my children's needs before my own by a long distance. My role as their mum is, as I see it, to do all I can to educate them, stretch them and give them opportunities and experiences. Leaving them with someone else while I go off and have experiences just doesn't enter my mind.

I think you sound like a very dedicated mother, I fall short of your standards by a huge margin, just as well they don't really seem to care.

Genuinely I don't want to be away from my kids. I am in my 40s. Had years in my 20s and early 30s when I lived the life you describe, enjoyed it at the time and then, after some difficulties, had my children who I love dearly and don't want to be away from (why would I?).

Why would you? I guess I just find somethings more fun than rearing children or I just want variety. I don't think that necessarily makes me a bad parent, but I am happy to admit that you leave me in your shadows.

I fall pregnant if DH as much as waves his penis at me, maybe that is why I am less maternal .

I don't consider myself to be particularly maternal but I do put my children's needs before my own by a long distance. My role as their mum is, as I see it, to do all I can to educate them, stretch them and give them opportunities and experiences. Leaving them with someone else while I go off and have experiences just doesn't enter my mind.

I love leaving my children with somebody else , as soon as we moved to this village I worked at creating a baby sitting circle. I put their needs first but they don't always come first.

Can I ask Phil, do you work?

I can't wait till mine go to uni.
I get loads of free time...always have.
Prefer them as teenagers....hated the neediness of small children.

Should add, the only reason for me asking is considering time away from children. I work two days per week. Wish I didn't have to but there we go. That is my 'me time' I guess. It makes me crave out family time more. Probably one of the reasons why we don't holiday without them, or go out without them.
Are you with your children 24/7 the rest of the time?

Children are both in bed by 7 (they are both under 6). We don't usually have much of a commute. We share the school/nursery runs, depending on our fairly high-pressure careers. Also have PT nanny to do some school pick ups and prepare and feed children's meal 2 days a week. We brought supper earlier to around 6.15pm so we could spend time with children over a meal.

Dh frequently and I occasionally work/phonecon in the evening although since dc2 I only do so in emergency. 1-2 evenings/week dh and I either go out on a date or have a 'date' at home, which means no laptops, no phones, eating together without children, candles, wine and proper pudding (instead of yoghurt/fruit). Then we play boardgames or chat, watch film, TV. Importantly we both have (separate) sporting and music hobbies we do on other evenings or lunchtimes in week, and sometimes see friends for drinks, usually separately.

It's tricky but essential. I sometimes dress up but often arrive for a home 'date' post-yoga still in my sweaty kit... We are of course extremely lucky in our set-up and ability to work fairly flexibly. Supper with children is a bit rushed and stressful - more a conveyer belt of food, clean, change, bed, and they don't get bathed very often.

I stopped teaching when I found out that I was expecting baby number six. I am at home and am running my own business but it is a lifestyle business so not much work and it fits around the children. Four are at school so I am not with them 24/7. I also have a baby sitting circle that I use so have childcare every week so I can do things on my own. The older children also pitch in so I can exercise or read. I also have relatives and other friends who help out. I encourage my children to go on sleepovers as well.

You see Mrsdavid, when I read comments like that I ponder why you had them in the first place really. Children aren't compulsory. It's perfectly acceptable to decide to be a couple and avoid the neediness etc without having to wait until the university years.
I'm reading these comments feeling so sad for a close friend of mine who had just lost yet another baby in a miscarriage after years and years of trying and would give all she had to be lucky enough to have children needing her and ruining her 'me time'.

Quite a lot of 'me time' then Phil. A darn site more than me I promise you- despite the 6 kids.

How does it work with teens whor go to bed at same time as parents? Sounds oddly dated and simplistic model of family life.

This has turned into a silly ding dong of an argument about who is a better mother. As a result of a silly article in a newspaper.

I do have a lot of me time, I don't see that as wrong. I know that I need it so I arrange it.

Time with my husband is not me time, that is our time, I need that too.

I'm just not a martyr singdongsung.
I have two well adjusted independent teenagers.
They have a happy mother.

I don't think we are arguing about who is the better mother. Singsong thinks that she is a better mother and I agree with her.

Your children probably need some you time as well though.

I bet you don't really agree with her.

Bowing out now for fear of saying something I'll regret. Perhaps a bit too emotive for me at the moment as explained in my post to MrsBowie.
We're all lucky to be parents. Let's all make the most of it hey. They'll soon be all grown up and living their own lives.

Bye all.

I'm sorry if this is insensitive but just because there are many many people out there who struggle to have children and really suffer because of it doesn't mean anyone who has had children isn't allowed to want some time alone from time to time!!!

Your children probably need some you time as well though.
Gosh that was a little harsh, I wonder what you really wanted to say if you thought that was going easy on me. My children have plenty of time with me, I suspect my teenagers think they have too much.

I bet you don't really agree with her.
Most people on here are better mothers than me tbh. I am in awe of anyone who wants to be with their children 24/7 for 20 years, I could not be like that and therefore singsong is a better parent than me in terms of wanting to be with her children, which I guess is important.

I am a good enough mother, that is fine with me.

*.

Interesting as I am going through this right now. Dc2 is 8 weeks old and it's causing a few disagreements in my marriage. She's a great sleeper but I am still tired so going to bed super early. Kids in bed at 7 so couple of hours time with dh before bed but he wants more and says I am distance and we get no time together. I probably am distracted but with two dcs under 3 and a house to run I am busy.

I am trying th be a good wife and give time to the relationship but I also need time to myself. It's hard juggling and trying to be everything to everyone

Cleo sorry you are having a hard time. Your DH doesn't sound like he is being very supportive, it's not all up to you!!

Cleo is your husband pulling his weight?