lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

Gutted, since starting this thread you have come a huge way already. Every step, every baby step, is a move in the right direction and you WILL come out the other side. You absolutely will.

Op, you deserve so much more than this lying sexually incontinent abusive bastard

you're doing so well Gutted, taking responsibility for your health and your mental health is a great start - independent action and pro active care for yourself.

You sound lovely. I do hope the results are all clear for you.

Op Say:
Things will get better,
They will get better because I will make them better,
Things will get better.

You will sort this because you're you & you can -x-

glad you went to the clinic and now that is one step forward. Sorry to divert a little but is it normal to have more than one test, ladies? I had a LCB ex and I only had the one test. Now wondering whether I should have had more?

how are you this evening, OP ?

Well here I am at 4am awake again! I was exhausted last night, physically and emotionally. I have slept but now awake and mind full of it.
He didn't say a word to me after returning from work so nothing more has been said at all.
They said they wanted to repeat the tests as some infections can take longer to present, HIV and syphilis in particular, the latter can take up to 3 months.
I think because of the uncertainty of my situation she wanted to sure. I have no idea of how recent this is for me.
I did manage to speak to a friend about it last night so it's reassuring to know if I have someone close by to listen.
It is making it all become scarily real though. The more I say things and share things, the reality of my situation hits me. The more I feel there is no way back. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I know it's very easy for me to say this but try not to worry too much about the tests. I have every confidence that you will be fine and you have done the right thing by getting checked out.

These are incredibly tough times today and ahead but you will get through this, you will be stronger and better for it! Don't read into his behaviour or the way he is treating you today, every day from now on, it's what he has done in the past that has hurt you most and why you need to move on.
This will not be easy, if it was you'd have never got married in the first place. Be strong and take every day as it comes.

"I have never understood this - to cheat is unforgiveable, it is a betrayal of trust from where this is no return, but to cheat without using any protection is a just a total fuck you."

ITA. I can't stand people like that.

My sister and I were watching movie in based in Africa, and a wife died of aids because her husband cheated and didn't use protection. All my sister got out of that movie was that there is a consequences for cheating which is understandable and totally agree with her.Although, I did I told my sister that it is unfair the wife (and her children) to suffer from this and this movie makes me want to find cure for STD. And provide more sexual education. And more health care.

It's not disgust in his eyes when he looks at you. It's intimidation because he has been caught out. You've popped out of the little box he's put you in as he's got complacent and slipped up.

Please don't ever have sex with this man again.

I wonder if he is losing any sleep over this. I wonder if he is tossing and turning and worrying about his future, doubting himself and feeling like shit.

No. He is secure in his arrogance that nothing changes for him. I hope you can disabuse him of that idea.

You are still in shock. I hope you find your anger!

There is no way back from betrayal like that.

Have you got an idea when you will be able to see the counsellor? Keep talking to your friend.

I went through this in October. I remember the hatred in his eyes at me daring to call him on his behaviour. It made me see how utterly self absorbed he is and I used that to focus my anger. I too was initially worried about losing my home and my ds but once you decide for yourself (as opposed to him deciding for you) to move on it's a wonderful feeling. I got the keys to my new place last week and I feel so good :) Keep going strong.

Gutted, I understand what you are saying - it took me years to go, but the outcome is the same. Better to do it now than when you've become a shell of yourself and believe you are worthless. That's how this plays out IME.

You're doing really hard stuff here gutted, and taking care of yourself too. Emotional support arranged, health check in progress, bloody well done that woman. Hope you got to have more sleep.

Any thoughts about seeing a solicitor? Do you know of any, or can friends recommend a firm? With a person like him, protecting your and your children's rights is very important. Keep on keeping on, you might not feel it, but you are doing amazingly well x

It's Ok to feel like this, OP. In fact I'd say it is probably fairly universal. It will pass. You have a lot to feel in the coming weeks, and it will change about a lot, you might feel relieved one minute and impossibly angry the next. It has to be processed, to be released, to be 'felt' as it were. That's probably what stops a lot of people from leaving - it's like opening a floodgate and the flood can be tiring to manage, overwhelming, and it feels like it will change your whole world but it won't. It will settle and disperse and you will still be there, the same you, the same world. Just without the abuse you have been taking.
Think about it like a slave being freed. It might make more sense that way.

How is your boy, does he know anything has happened?

OP, so sorry that you are going through this. From what you have said, you are stronger than you think and you will get through this. Remember that you have done nothing wrong and it is your H who has caused these problems in your marriage.

You sound lovely. Glad you have RL support.

His denials and attempts to blame you are, as PPs have said, the typical reaction of a cheating, lying partner in this situation. My ex behaved in a similar way when I confronted him about suspicions of him cheating on me with on colleague. I wanted to believe him and tried to convince myself I was being paranoid and imagining things. Of course it turned out that he was cheating and was trying to deflect the blame.

It didn't take long after I made the decision to leave him before I realised how much better my life was without him. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

My advice would be to get copies of all relevant financial and legal documents and seek advice from a solicitor on your position. Whilst it is ultimately up to you if you LTB, my advice is that you should do that. This isn't a new development in your relationship, he has been behaving badly and treating you with disrespect for years and is showing no desire to mend his ways, worse still he is gaslighting you and blaming you for problems in the marriage which is clearly an utter load of bollocks and an attempt to control you and shut you up

OP, read and re-read the thread and recognise his appalling lies and deceit for what they are. Good luck and OP.

I have just read through this thread & you are getting lots of support & good advice but your post on Sunday 13.41 made my jaw drop. Your lying, cheating, lowlife H is trying to say that he thinks you may have given him an STD?

Just when you think you have heard it all.

You need to get angry gutted, imagine if someone was treating your DD this way. Start prioritising yourself, you are waaaaay more important than this sleazebag.

Better to do it now than when you've become a shell of yourself and believe you are worthless. That's how this plays out IME

This ^^

If you ever doubt what you know you have to do, please don't ever forget this

He has shown so little care and regard for you OP. This is the man who should cherish you. Get angry and use your anger and your strength to get him out of your life. He's disgusting.

Below is a link to an article that you might find interesting. It is about women whose partner had paid sex. It shows how lonely they are. The author wrote a novel about the subject.
You must leave him unless he understands :
1- how wrong is his behavior-
2- he shows repentance for the pain he caused you and for any STD-
3- he understands that he has to change
4- he actively start changing
5- he atones by his future behavior all his 'sins' toward you.
However it looks like he does not understand the extent of his appalling behavior. IMO cut the loss: leave him. You are young. (Just 38!) You have yourself and kids to hug and love. If you leave him then you will be in a clear cut situation. The kids will be OK if you are OK.
If you want to still try to patch your marriage, then start counseling ASAP and see whether he is willing to go on the recovery path and limit the time you are willing to put in the process. (Earlier you leave him- more quickly you will get him out of your system. You are still very young!) . Good Luck! You and your kids deserve better.
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/11520000/Sex-and-prostitution-Wives-and-girlfriends-are-the-real-victims.html

Once again, thank you for your support. Managed to get through the day a little easier today. Had a meeting this afternoon so was only teaching this morning.
Physically don't feel so good. Managed to eat a little today but getting stomach cramps, headache and just a general feeling of sickness in the pit of my stomach.
I have an interview for a new job this week, being observed on Thursday and the interview Friday. I'm in a senior position so this is s big deal. The last few days I've considered throwing it in but I'm not going to. More than anything now I need this. I just hope I can sort myself out a bit by then. The timing of this all couldn't be worse! My son was sent home from school today sick too, poor thing, boy is it coming at me!
My husband still hasn't spoken to me. The silence and cold shoulder is killing me, the not knowing what's happening. But in a way I can't deal with anymore nastiness before Thursday/Friday. I just hope he doesn't cause upset on either of these mornings. Who's going to want to employ a quivering wreck??

That article was an interesting read.. Yes, the effects on a wife/partner is awful. I don't even know 100% that this has happened but I know how the strip clubs have made me feel. And the money that has changed hands there (and they may be far more that I even know about!) I'm sure could pretty much buy you want you want. The feeling of self disgust and ugliness is awful. Why wouldn't husband need to do that??
The words rang very true.
I'm hoping for these results sooner rather than later as I've now developed a bloody discharge. I haven't had a period for years since having a coil fitted so this bleeding is not normal for me.

The discharge could be because of the tests. Try not to worry about it too much.

Get through this week and if you feel stronger stop waiting not knowing, make your own decision to be free.

Bleeding could be stress related too, keep an eye on it and maybe a record I case it happens again. Bleeding between periods should always be checked out but isn't always something serious.