lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

The feeling of self disgust and ugliness is awful.

Please don't take that feeling onto yourself. The decision to cheat (whether with sex workers or just randoms) lies purely with your husband. Men do not cheat based on the quantity or quality of the sex they're getting at home. They do it because they like to have different women and many get an illicit thrill out of paying a sex worker because they're getting "rough trade" or whatever. It is absolutely not any reflection on you.

Discharge could be due to the tests if they did an internal exam. It could also be stress related as you're probably dumping a lot of stress hormones into your system at the moment.

Does your H know about your observation and your interview? If he does, there's a chance he will try to sabotage them by starting an argument on those mornings. Please prepare yourself for that possibly and decide what you'll do if he does kick off. A simple "We'll discuss this when I'm ready" and walking away is probably best.

Also meant to say, please try to eat some "easy" foods like yoghurt, smoothies, soup, maybe nuts for protein if you can get them down. I don't know why but if I'm sick from stress it seems easier to "drink my food" if you know what I mean.

It might turn out to be a good thing that you have a major professional mission this week, it could be positive to have something external to focus on. You are that senior teacher, you can do it!

Hope your boy feels better and your troubles down below are due to stress and swabs only. Keep on keeping strong and try to keep well away from that bastard. I hope he keeps his horrible trap shut altogether.

Hiya. What a week you are having, it never does rain does it but I am impressed by how well you are holding it together. Perhaps if you can manage to get through Thurs and Friday, you might be able to relax a bit more then. I hope so anyway.

It sounds as if H is losing any power he thought he had over you, and you're building up a very strong wall inside your head which his sulks, stares and glares cannot penetrate. Good work.

I agree the discharge is VERY likely to be because of being poked and prodded the other day. It's very normal to have this after internal exams.

Please don't worry that it is a sign of something else - that is most unlikely.

Sending good vibes - and I hope you manage to sleep OK tonight

Yes he does know about interview. It was organised about 3 weeks ago. I've got to stay strong for it. It's a good career move for me and these things don't come up often. I'm just worried that I won't come across as my normal smiley lovely self when inside I'm breaking.
This roller coaster of emotions is crazy!

Oh no, the timing is so bad. Don't engage with him, don't try to talk to him at all until you have had the interview. If he tries tell him you will talk at the week end. Don't let him ruin your career prospects as well.

YY the discharge could be from the tests, don't worry. You could ring the clinic to ask.

You feel sick because what he did is truly sickening.

I feel for you, I have a friend who went through what you are going through, she is fine, 9 months on, still fragile, but coping well on her own with 2 dc.

PS the bleeding could be coincidental, if it stops and starts again, get checked for polyps (ultrasound scan), I had one recently and had it removed under local. Apparently very common for women our age.

I think it is Ok to feel a bit sick when something horrid has happened. It's your body trying to cope with some extra adrenalin - released when it's a fight or flight situation, when you're potentially unable to trust someone you have trusted before, someone who could hurt you (and has already done so).

Living in the same house as this person when they are, and have been, a threat to you, is very hard for your body and mind to cope with as it is releasing extra adrenalin to enable you to do something about it, but you can't at the moment, so it has to dispose of it somehow. That's why your stomach feels knotty and yucky, it's hormonal but not in the usual sense.

Keep reminding yourself that this stage will be over at some point, you will be safe again, and away from him and not under threat from his moods and horribleness.

Hope this helps. I have always felt terrible when a relationship has broken up and actually, whenever I have started seeing someone I get it too. Very unsettling, but it's normal, and it will pass as you adjust xxxx

Have you done the things mentioned earlier in the thread - some of the practical things relating to finances and paperwork?

Get copies of anything you think might be important. Statements/ financial documents etc
Change your passwords on all accounts and all computers and phones etc
You want to make sure that there is zero chance of him accessing any of your emails or online accounts.

Awake again.
Got off to sleep fine but then just woke up in a panic and got the churning in my stomach and almost butterfly type feeling in my chest.
He hasn't come up to bed tonight, obviously chose the sofa.
I haven't looked into any of the practical things yet. I don't have any access to his account and he stopped getting paper copies of statements for his account a few years back now.
I'm worried that as the days go by I'm beginning to feel more bad now. I know it's just this roller coaster of emotions because then I think back to all the examples of 'wrong' things and I feel bad for myself.
But at times I do feel bad/sorry for him. He has provided for us and we have built a lovely home/lifestyle and it's all going to be ruined. All the plans we had for the future shattered. The children will be devastated and he is a good dad to them. He's doing all this work on the house to make it nicer for us and now he/we won't be able to enjoy it.
He's lost both his parents over the last 5 years too and now I'm adding to that loss and sadness. What if I am just ruining it all? Looking at the glass half empty instead of half full?
I hate this feeling of guilt. It scares me that its going to make me stay in this situation when I know deep down its wrong.

Its not your fault, so don't feel guilty for him.
He not feeling guilty on the couch.
You are awake because you are worried.
We all worry about what if.

But you are much stronger than you think.
So try and get some sleep.
Take each day as it comes
Don't worry about next week or next month.
You cant change anything about whats happened.
You will be ok no matter what.

Please don't worry about what you have, life has away of being better.

...Thursday and Friday. I just hope he doesn't cause upset on either of these mornings...

I can absolutely guarantee you he'll try, if you haven't caved by then, of course.

I'm going to buck one trend: normally I'd be right there with the "gather ye financials ..." but this week, focus on that interview! And don't worry about being Ms Smiley, just as long as you're Ms Brilliant-at-Her-Job.

I have to say you are on guard with this man because you think its up to him how things play out in this marriage.
Its not.
You are awake because you feel panic and are afraid to move forward.
Everyone here will help you.
Take a step at a time. make a plan to get things together.
Make a list
Bank statements
Mortgages
Bank accounts
Start setting things up.

And lastly why do feel guilt.
You have don't nothing wrong.
Tell yourself that.
I am a good person and I love myself and put my self first in this relationship.
Write it on a big bit of paper and put it on your mirror so you see it every day.
Do this and believe it.

1- the way he behaves, I doubt he would have truly enjoyed anything. He is in another planet not in the family home- despite working to make it look good.
2- he can continue to be a good dad without you being his wife.

Please focus on your career. Do you think over the counter pills to relieve your stress and help you sleep can help? To help you go through Thursday and Friday would you consider (and can you) arrange some sleepover for your son for Wednesday and Thursday nights and book some hotel room for yourself/ or sleep at a friend/relative these nights?
How is the bleeding?

Gutted, he's already left the marriage. The only thing left to do is say it out loud.

Believe me, I understand. XH confessed he'd used prostitutes. I told him it was over and went to a solicitor. It is as easy as that.

He may tell you he is sorry, that he has a 'problem', please help him as mine did the first time round. He may not say sorry, he may say 'all men do it' tell you to 'grow up' as he did second time round. But never once did XH take responsibility for what he has done. Not once has he tried to see things from my perspective. He massively rejected and hurt me.

Now a couple of weeks after he has gone, it's the hard bit. Playing it out while he feels sorry for himself.

And when you start talking, you hear stories of other women who have had the same experience as you. Even down to finding their Viagra and receiving the Mis-sent text messages. And you realise it's not you, it's him. It's some men who think they are entitled to behave in this way. Who give nothing of a shit for you or I or countless other women who are betrayed in this way.

It's Ok to feel ambivalent, after all, no one is completely bad, there are always nice things even about the most awful of people. You know, even someone breaking into your house might be careful not to tread on the flowers under the window.

You are allowed to grieve for the good things you did or had together.

There are some things that people in a relationship look at from opposite sides of a bridge; there can be discussion, and it can eventually be resolved, but there are other actions or words that can be compared to blowing up the bridge between you, and imo, this is what he has done.

He knows he has done it and it isn't the first time. Therefore you could say he has chosen to continue knowing that you would leave if you knew.

If he really wanted you to stay then he would have found a way to stop, as it would have mattered more to him to be with you, than to get his strange kicks and disrespectful acts. But it doesn't, and so he continued, taking that risk.

Building you a nice kitchen or extension or whatever is his way of saying, 'you can't have my loyalty, respect or love, but you can have some cabinets. Ok?' and thinking you will be alright with that. Nobody in their right mind would be alright with that. But you're allowed to feel sad about the good things, and to regret losing them. You'd be odd if you didn't

He's the one who ruined it, what have you ever done but try to make it work?

He's 'provided' the outside shell of a life but the kernel of love and respect is missing. And to be fair, you work FT so you've both provided together.

The glass isn't half empty it's completely empty, one might even say it's smashed...

From what he's said I don't think he actually wants to stay in this relationship anyway. And he may have left out that STI test card for you to find.

You did nothing wrong. You trusted your husband. HE has betrayed that trust. Is he losing sleep?
wishing you wellfor Thurs/ Fri. Put your professional teaching head on. You can do that. You are strong.
Set his crap aside until afterwards and give it mind space then.

The only person who has fucked up his life is him, and yours with it.
You are in no way to blame.
Good luck for your interview.
New job, new life

Gutted, the truth is he doesn't like you, let alone love you. Its a very hard thing to have to face but I can promise you once you don't have to witness his contempt for you on a daily basis you will feel 100 times better, I know I've been there.

Even if you feel you have in some way contributed to the situation (which I think is unlikely) you are not his keeper or controller you didn't force him to behave the way he has.

You will decide, hopefully sooner than later, that you have had enough and this is no way to live and you will take control, I promise you that you will feel better when you do!

Look after yourself.

IMO he is completely sick. Really. He got problems. Deep problems. He got his demons to face. Nothing to do with you Gutted. He needs help. You can't help anybody unless they actively seek it. He does not. It looks as if he puts the onus on you to relieve him from his demons. No-one can do this. He has to face them and he has to want to fight to destroy them.
The question is not whether he loves you or not. As at now he can't love anybody. It looks as if he does not even love himself. The primary question is whether he acknowledges that his behavior is completely wrong. Then his healing process might start.
You can do nothing.
How are you preparations for tomorrow progressing?
Good Luck. We are here for you!

The silence and cold shoulder is killing me, the not knowing what's happening.

You will never know what's going on in his head. You can know this minute what's going to happen. You just need to choose to know.

Got through the day again with minimal tears... And ate today too.
When I got home from work he asked me if I was going for the interview (on Sunday I said I wasn't sure whether to throw it in because of the situation)
I said I was.
He said 'it's a shame we can't enjoy it, we never can though can we'.
I said I dong want to talk about it yet. I didn't want any arguments.
He walked off and as he did he said 'I stand by what I said'.
I asked what he meant and he didn't answer and is now out.
I don't know if he is referring to him saying that we can't do this anymore (being together) or how to sort out splitting stuff or that we can't enjoy anything together. I don't know. It isn't like he's said a lot to me since Sunday.
Not sure what to think now.
As pathetic and stupid and cowardly as it sounds I think part of me is hoping that it will all go away, that it hasn't happened.
But it has.
It sounds silly too but it's almost like he's trying to be extra nice to the children too. Almost as if to say-things are great with me and the kids and youre thing that.

You have to accept that there are people who do the unthinkable and think that they are OK and behave in a passive- aggressive way in addition. You can't understand it. No normal person can understand it. Stop trying to understand him. It just empowers him and the nasty beast that lives in him. Focus on tomorrow and on the day after tmorrow. Good Luck! Things will just be better!

Try and focus on Sunday, eating and keeping calm. It's important, don't let him upset you if you can (don't ask him to explain anything, just shelve it for three days). Put all that you have into Sunday. Once that's over you can deal with the next thing. You're doing really well. Go get that interview, do it for you.