hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.
Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.
About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.
We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.
It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.
Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(