HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

I read this thread full of admiration for the ladies who post for the dignity they show int he face of the fuckwittery displayed by the exes/stbx.

My stbx was a nob in the beginning but I was firm in my NC and all has been quiet for months - until last night!! I got a "we need to be on speaking terms" text and becuase he has been so well behaved and we are 5 months down the line I replied that we are on speaking terms, I just have nothing to say....I should have known better.

When we were together he spoke in riddles and wouldn't give a straight answer and the riddle-me-ree texts started "you just keep kidding yourself" "you're a joke" "you are damaging the DSs" but without actually saying anything. I should have ignored but I told him to grow up.

So that led to vivid dreams about us arguing and me waking myslef up in floods of tears...f*cking bastard... I have no idea what has triggered this - it isn't a birthday or significant dateI have been completely blindsided.

So another text this morning about how I just upped & walked out leaving him in the shit (no mention of 20yrs of EA) and he didn't deserve the way I'd treated him.

The ironic thing is that I was only thinking last week I do need to talk to him over 1 particular financial matter that needs sorting annually (I have always orgainised it) but now I'm washing my hands of it as the invoice is in his name only anyway, we've just always halved the cost as we both benefit.

So the upshot is that he has said he will phone me later - I have no idea what he wants to discuss but will try speak to DSs in the meantime. I spent yesterday with DS2 so I can't imagine that either of them is having some sort of crisis.

Arrrggggg!!! Was doing so well today until I decided to listen to some music. This guy is so talented , has such a soulful voice, just got me crying a little bit....m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3Vm5Gt8y6w

Not the most uplifting of choons, but great all the same.... This one too m.youtube.com/watch?v=nHdGIiV894s

I hope I haven't brought the mood of the thread down, that wasn't my intention at all, we are allowed to mourn what could have been, even if we know we will better off in the long term without their EA, PA and general
arseholiance, love and strength to all you lovely ladies out there, I guess I'm just feeling a little melancholy today,

I think I'm allowed eh? Xx

Hobbit you have done incredibly well so far! and of course today will be difficult for you. Sending you love and strength.

Well, it seems to me that whenever there is an "event" on this thread! it goes in favour of us. Today I got the all clear from the dentist. Got to go see him Thursday for a final check, then he thinks he can sign me off. He said it was a particularly nasty infection, and that if they had not acted when they did, I would have ended up at [another hospital]. I looked it up and they are very specialist mouth, jaw etc. so it seems I had a lucky escape. One more of those bloody antibiotic tablets to take, then that's it for me! Soooo relieved. I managed to shovel some cake in my mouth this morning. Bit like Marjorie Dawes! I'm going into work after luch, going to try eat at home first.

Anyway, I digress. EVERY financial meeting, court thing, has gone the way we want it on this thread. So yes Hobbit, go in expecting not a lot, but put your points across. It will take a while for him to process it all. And that will happen AFTER the meeting, not during. So think of it as the start of a process.

Love the pics of Jess. Will she have Pom poms tomorrow?? Actually, in fairness, I don't think any of us would mind if tomorrow she took a rest from modelling and just gave you moral support.

Here's the theme toon I have for WWK. It's yours for today and tomorrow.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pO40TcKa_5U

Big hugs sweetheart xx

Ta very much, Izzie my love, big son has just said 'what's that boring dirge you're listening to? ' ha ha made me laugh! Pity party over, onwards and upwards

Hobbit don't you just love sons, sometime!

Maybe he would prefer the Fuck Off song

I was reading some of the classic threads yesterday. Not a good idea when it hurt to laugh. The inventive use of the ham sandwich still makes me lol now

Hope u r feeling better soon my love, it's a pita I know xx

Good news re dentist visit Izzie

hobbit good luck tomorrow. I know not the first thing about mediation - no doubt I will in the fullness of time - so advice limited. Only thing I can say is that in general I've found that the things we dread most in life are rarely as horrendous as we think they're going to be. Will be thinking of you. Jess looking gorgeous today as always.

I took up some advice today that I was given by WWK - I think- that I ought to tell my boss about 'the announcement'. I grasped a quiet moment and did just that. I was very proud of myself, minimal blubbing was involved thankfully. She was a bit shocked but extremely supportive and I'm very relieved that it's another hurdle negotiated and I survived.

Love the music today too.

Just going to have a listen to the fuck off song now though before I go and cook dinner. Just heard HRT's car and so need a boost first......

I am going off to my first Meet Up tonight - it better be worth it as I am giving up double Corrie and Eastenders for this!!!!

What's a Meet Up?

Lovely jubbly! Solid food.

Shame it has to be finished off with a salt rinse

No, bob I'm not auditioning for your catering job

The builder is starting work on the shower room on Thursday. It's been out of action two years. The ex likes his shower, so the replacement shower he got was like the old one, it has all these jets going everywhere. Can't say it's my choice, I would have gone for a nice simple and stylish looking thing, as I never use it anyway. Actually I would rip it out and have a tiny bath with a lovely little shower head to save all the cleaning. But I digress. I've texted him to say perhaps he should come round when finished to test it all out, stopcocks etc. and I'm thinking to myself.......Won't he be pleased with the new shower.....

I'm having a few jobs done around the house, things that have needed doing that he never got around to or didn't see as a priority.

I'm a bit panicked to be honest about being responsible for the house on my own, so I'm getting a few jobs done now, boiler service etc. and planning some more substantially jobs for later once he's no longer part owner, no point in adding value now. I also need to get a better idea of my financial position before I get any big jobs done.

Good luck WiseOne, let us know how you get on.

Izzie, wicked woman! I'm sure he'd love the new shower . Do you know what kind of shower he has now? .

Glad to see you eating again, a feast of fish fingers with a little palate refreshing salt water to finish off. In keeping with the sea-themed main course.

Light bulb moment for me today. Reading another thread where a poster suggested googling Toxic Hoovering. So I did, being very obliging like, although they weren't addressing me.

Well, OMG girls.... That's what the bugger's up to. I thought hoovering was when twunts wanted you to accept them back again. Like I fell for last December. But I was reading Lighthouse.orgs description of hoovering and realised that it can be deployed to keep you in a relationship with the twunt on their terms. My twunt wants us to stay friends, because he is quite reliant on me emotionally.

(And his counsellor said we should stay on good terms for twunt's sake. Apparently. His counsellor apparently said a lot of things)

Twunt has been doing everything on lighthouse.orgs list of forms of hoovering, much to my puzzlement. Intensifying over the last couple of days. 43 texts in last 2 days and several phone calls. Apologies, explanations, "reassurances", advice, questions. Jeez. Tried my best not to engage and just be business like, not easy to do, but it's not meant to be is it. The fucker.

So while I'm congratulating myself on going cold turkey, and bloody hard it was too, he is doing the opposite and trying to undermine my efforts. Except now I've spotted his tactics. I should think my success has triggered his efforts.

BTW he told me his blood pressure is now really high. I can't tell you how concerned I was.

Been trying to do a link to lighthouse page but I admit defeat. So here's this instead :

EFG it is a bit daunting being responsible for all of it. I know what you mean. Friends of mine who are now single tell me you either find a good general and reliable builder, or you have a man who you call on. One of my friends uses her ex for that. She does it because as far as she is concerned, it's the house where his sons live, so he can take some responsibility for any mishaps. Ive learned over the last 5.5 months that the ex will sort out anything major, but won't lift a finger where it's just decor. Now that the kitchen has been finished, my major gripe with his attitude re the house, I'm ok with that. He still plays the game financially, joint account etc, he still co owns the house, but he doesn't get the benefit of any decorating unless it's sold.

You can get service agreements for different things. We have one for the boiler and hearing, for example. And it covers repairs etc.

DS2 is a Liverpool fan, he's watching the match on ipad. They were just singing "You'll Never Walk Alone". I rushed into the room to watch, as it sounded absolutely beautiful. And it looked beautiful. When we've been away, he and the ex went to see some of the matches. It was a long trek, but nowhere near as far as from where we live. It's so sad to think he probably won't go again. Anyway, I nearly posted the song recently. Words are still poignant and relevant to us on here. So.....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6IbSOi2wmw

Feeling sad. I didn't want any of this to happen

Oh Izzie, I think any marriage ending is sad in someway but long marriages, with all the ups and downs along the way, seem particularly sad somehow. Obviously it's extremely sad too for families with young children - I wouldn't begin to say otherwise but i do keep thinking what a waste of all the effort over the years if it was all going to end like this. It all seems so pointless - except of course for the DC.

On a happier note, your shower comments made me smile

The whole, I hope we can be friends thing is going on here too. I told him I liked my friends, trusted them, could rely on them and know they wouldn't intentionally upset me. That shut him up

I hope we can do friendly but that is very different to being friends in my book.

Wiseone hope meet up was good. Let us know....

Izzie.

Ps roz you are well rid of yours I think. Your comments yesterday about your son were poignant.

1 glad you told your boss. It's very difficult to do so, as I've said before, but you will now hopefully get support as and when you need it.

Roz I did once see inside her house, as it were. It was put on the market a number of years ago, so I saw the rooms online. I was very tempted to ask a friend to go round and give it a recce and clock her too, but thought chickened out better of it. But from what I remember it was very old fashioned, as in dated rather than deliberately so. He once told me it's not very nice and needs work. So I imagine it may be a shower over bath or certainly something he would want to replace.

And, ah yes, I love the spin you put on my lovely little meal. I looked back at the picture later and it reminded me of someone I used to work with. He used to come out with all these double entendres. Couldn't help laughing because he was utterly harmless, a nice guy, and came out with some corkers about some of the clients. Anyway, every day he used to call into the supermarket on the way to work, buy a large kitkat and say to the casher "got to have my four fingers of pleasure"

Hobbit what time is it tomorrow? Think of all of us with you in spirit, babe. As I said before, this is just to get his brain whirring. Make your points, read from your notes if you want, that's businesslike. Don't feel obliged to answer any of his stuff. You have your agenda, you stick to it. Remember, the mediator will be experienced, and will know how to handle things. And as 1 said in different words, the fear is much much worse than the reality. I will be very unprofessional tomorrow and be checking the thread regularly

Oops Izzie didn't realise your twunt is living with the not OW. Sorry, wouldn't have made flippant comment about shower. Just went back and read your intro on this thread.

Izzie, sorry you're feeling sad but perfectly understandable when you look back on your marriage. You worked at your marriage for a long time and obviously wanted everything to work out between you. Even if you think that long term you will be happier out of the marriage it was never meant to turn out that way, I am sure we all meant our marriage vows and thought that it would be for life. When your marriage ends it's a very poignant and reflective time.

Good news about the tooth though. Hope you enjoyed your fish fingers and coke.

Hobbit wishing you all the luck and strength in the world for tomorrow. We will all be thinking of you. If you have lots of notes to take in with you it might be a good idea to highlight a few of the most important points that you want to make so you can see them at a glance. You might not take in more detail if you have quite a bit to read through.

If you get upset in front of him don't beat yourself up about it. Your marriage has ended and you care because you are a lovely, decent human being with thoughts and feelings and anyone decent would be upset about their marriage ending. Picture him in his lycra and remember that he is definitely a no. 6.

and xx

iwas I've just posted on your thread. Oh crap! Although, I do panic, and it could just be something and nothing. Maybe he's thought about the card incident, for example, and realises he's damaged his relationship with his son.

Roz no need to apologise, it didn't affect me at all. I wonder if she has a shower curtain.......

iwas remember those lyrics I posted ages ago? Well that's me, mostly

Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes by me and I think of
Someone else instead

Erm, no i didn't write them......

Otherwise I really would live in a mansion