HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Well I went to the Meet Up and it was OK - a bit out of my comfort zone but met a couple of lovely ladies like myself but further down the road. The only thing now is that I want to send my Runaway husband a text telling him what a shit he really is !!

Hobbit good luck for your meeting. Just remember, strap on those balls of steel and strut like Dave

Oh - and have some good rousing music in the car for the drive there that you can sing along to to keep your spirits up! I also found getting there first made me feel like I had the upper hand, so was sitting there calmly reading the newspaper when he arrived.

So this shit is hard ! I've just come across this thread and am desperately trying to find some way to stop me contacting my recently departed. We were together 22 years, he built up his career and I let mine go and then got a brain tumour.... Not that I blame that but it didn't make it any easier. I posted before about my husband, he left on March 7th and we've got on, argued and now are at an awful stage. He always controlled the arguments and only now do I see this, but boy it doesn't mean I just can stop loving him. We had a mega row on Sat and he got in my face and threatened to have me kicked out and a court order put in place so I'd never see my daughter again... All while right in my face, pointing his finger and threatening. I called the police and they tried to get me to make a statement for common assault. I couldn't, I have kids that I can't upset and maybe I provoked him but he scared me. Anyway, the gist is that as he's in the police his boss was told. I had no idea this would happen and my departed has since been abusive by text, told our kids I made false allegations of domestic violence and told me I crossed the line. Am I wrong that I still love this man desperately but still know he emotionally crippled me. My kids, 15 and 19 are stuck in the middle, youngest is Daddy's girl and I'm the one gets all the blame. How do you start to put your life back together and is anyone else as weak as me by wanting to text to say "sorry I phoned the police when you threatened me and scared me , please don't hate me " .... Seriously, does this shit get any better and how do you get your kids to realise you aren't the antichrist ? Sorry I'm confused and emotional but surely writing here is better than texting a man who will ignore me and think im even weaker than he thought ??

Hobbit...will be thinking of you. Good luck.

TheOldWiseOne...love the Frozen clip. Sorry the Meet Up wasn't brilliant. Don't give him the satisfaction of texting him...he's not worth. Although I don't take my own advice and I've been guilty of emotional texting. Post on here when you feel the urge to contact him.

Izzie...Glad too know you're feeling better.

Yogotafriend...They do mess with your brain. Just when you think you're crack it back they come with their fuckwittery.

I had my eldest in tears again today because of that bastard. He's still playing games and manipulating her. So is this how it's going to be now - after each contact I will have to pick up the pieces.

Ali...this man is a bully. It doesn't matter if he is a police officer - report him as and when you need to. He will try to use his knowledge against you but don't believe the threats. Keep a record of everything he does.

You are not weak - he is making you feel like this. Unfortunately you cannot turn off your feelings despite what they do - it hurts like hell. I'm hoping that it time my feelings will fade and my head and my heart agree that a man like this is not good for me (or you).

I was also accused of domestic violence and I was so shocked I could feel physical pain.

It's hard with kids...you cannot make them realise that he is the catalyst. My eldest daughter is struggling and my stbxh is a selfish manipulator. But I hope that she will eventually see him for what he is. I try to be the steadfast parent. The one who stayed while he ran away as fast as he could.

Don't text him - it gives him control.
Keep posting when you need to or pm me.

Take care xx

Will catch up tomorrow - but just wanted to wish Hobbit all the best. KOKO.

Hope all goes well today hobbit

Well I had my call... That's 10 mins of my life I'll never get back!! All about how bad he feels, how he's trying to do the right thing an be nice to me but I'm being nasty & not welcoming his efforts.... He knows it's all his fault, he knows we're not getting back together.... But...

But what??? No, I have no effing clue what he's on about either!!

Like someone said up thread, I have no interest in beings friends with him, I have lots of friends who I like, whose company I enjoy and who have never hurt me x

Thanks so much to everyone for your good wishes and support, you are a lovely bunch.
Strapping on my steel balls ready for my Dave strut as we speak, practising in the bedroom, lots of clanging going on, probably woke the neighbours!

I'm so Mumsnet forum darling!

Good luck ! A now and later x

Good luck Hobbit, will be thinking of you.

I'm so Mumsnet forum darling!

Correction, though You're so Hobbit's Bar Thread darling!

Can't wait to see Jess in those heels!

Go girl!! Thinking of you

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0i1ldFm-oI

Very best of luck Hobbit don't worry if you're nervous at the beginning as the mediator will do loads of talking to explain everything at the start which will give you a chance to calm down and the nerves will go as you get into it.

Fuck , sitting in the waiting room, he's sitting opposite me, I said hello and everything ! Go me ! He seems more nervous than me , thinking of you all with me.

Yey. I'm glad he seems nervous. Finger's all crossed for you.

Good good!!!

WiseOne well done going to the meet up and finding a couple of potential friends (you can always record Corrie as god forbid we miss an episode!!!)

Ali welcome and sorry you're going through such shit. It does sound like he's a bully who thinks what he says is law. Why do men think they just say stuff and it must be true? We all know on here that this is not necessarily so. whyme has been through a lot similar so I'm sure could help/empathise.

And all of you who want to text their Xs - step away from the phone!!! Silence and NC is way better than letting them know how you feel. When they left you they lost the right to know how you feel. Any anything to do with the DC keep short and matter-of-fact.

Good start. Well done. Xx

Go get him Hobbit!

Hope you're giving him hell Hobbit.

This is EFG123 by the way, I've had a couple of names on the go in case she's on here, but now I don't care :)

Hobbit

With you in spirit, good vibes across the ether.

Ali, don't text. I usually give into the temptation but so regret it. You might still love him but do you have any respect left? That is how I am trying to frame it all in my mind anyway.

YEY! I smashed it! Well I think I did anyway
Had all my points to raise when the mediator asked what I hoped to achieve from the session, he didn't ask that at all!
Fuck, I thought, got all me ducks in a row, and I fall at the first hurdle, but hey-ho, I picked myself up and got them all in throughout the whole of the meeting.
He was much more nervous than I was, and more emotional as well, I didn't cry even a tiny bit, Go me! His voice kept breaking, saying how he would always provide for his 'family' huh? Really?

But still was as much of a knob as ever, trying to tell the mediator what to do and how to do it, as if he knew better. But some progress was made, he said maybe 60/40 split on the house, 50/50 pension, obviously I want 70/30 and the mediator did suggest that, but was adamant that wasn't going to happen, 'I'll fight you in court' if that's the case, he said, I know what the judge will say. What a complete twat, as if he knows any such thing.
To be continued.......

Hoping that the mediation went/is going well Hobbit and it was not too upsetting for you. You are a

Hello I needed a few days of feeling sorry for myself but I'm back now, still fighting on.

Cassa welcome back. It's only seven months - way too early for you to have completely new norms, and stop hankering after the old life. And about right to have a massive crash emotionally, it's all part of the cycle where you think you're getting on with it, then suddenly you hit a period of despair. Take it really slowly and be kind to yourself.

WiseOne I think you make a really good point: it's other people treating you with respect that makes you think - but why couldn't I get that at home? Yes it takes a bit of effort on a bad day to be kind to people, but it's not exactly hard work when it comes down to it. I see you've also got yourself out and done a 'meet up'! Wow - well done you. I know you were out of your comfort zone but you gotta do some exploring before you find what you really want. Don't stop now. I'm really impressed! (Yes, the first time I "indulged" myself in a little adventure felt 'wrong' because I wasn't used to doing things without his 'permission'). I go better and better at the 'fuck you' mentality of it all with practice . (But don't send him a text, let him be bewildered by you getting on with your life without him - he'll hate it!).

Keep going with the packing EFG!

Roz It's amazing when you have that 'lightbulb' moment when you can see everything in total clarity, and from there you say 'no way', not this time. We would all 'agree' with your counsellor that having a 'good' relationship with your ex-spouse is ideal, but a good relationship is a healthy one, not one based on you doing what he bids. You can now see that as a tactic. He can choose to have a good relationship with you, for as long as he chooses not to, he can fuck off. That's my attitude today.

Izzie pleased to see you are on the mend.

Gosh there's so much to catch up on, I'm going to post this one and then catch up with everyone else.

Interrupting myself to say 'yay for Hobbit'.

Yay!!!!!!

I am so, so, so proud of you. You went in with low expectations and have taught yourself that you're more remarkable than you realise.