HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 5.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just over 11 months ago. I am trying to rebuild my life by leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then, if I want to bloody moan about shit, I won't be apologising.

Because I did way too much of that during my marriage. The shit left. I'm learning to giggle again. KOKO.

Part 4

Part 3

part 2

Part 1

Our theme tune:

Ffs Paddling, I'm sorry but that really made me laugh. Wtf were we thinking? Pity it wasn't the same B&B, we could have swapped notes then walked out of our marriages. Taking the wise and perceptive parrot and terrier with us.

I suppose this shows how terribly destructive abuse is to the victim. Bastards to treat another person like that.

Aw thanks for the vote of confidence Roz. I hope so. time will tell I guess. Suffering a bit with empty nest syndrome tonight. Two flown off again today. I for one am having an early night. Have never in my life not slept well - until 'the announcement' of course. I'm hoping the more I feel 'meh' the more I'll be able to sleep again. It's really wound me up the way he's mostly snored his way through my life falling apart. Not sure why I'm surprised after all he snored his way through 3 x newborns, 3 x chicken pox, umpteen x coughs, colds, norovirus etc etc and so far one teenage broken heart. 1 x divorce is hardly likely to come between him and his beauty sleep.....sleep tight all xx

1 you seem like you are making progress too if you're past caring about his whereabouts tonight. You don't sound remotely melodramatic and it's lovely that your children have warm hearts; same as you. Thanks, it has been a bit of a case of out of sight, out of mind here too and absence is certainly not making the heart grow fonder!

Izzie thanks, just feel that I need to escape for the day tomorrow. I know I'm just putting it all off for one day but it's still one more day that I don't have to deal with all of his shit.

Sorry your stomach isn't great too. I hope you get on okay at the hospital tomorrow and you feel back to normal soon. Whatever passes for normal nowadays at any rate.

Re: your twunt list update I think I added Sid's words of wisdom near the end of the last thread, I'll have a look for the post.

Rozalia/Paddling that's very moving about the dog/parrot. Hopefully your lives will be much happier without the twunts in it. They really are nasty pieces of work some of these men. Animals can be so much nicer than some humans, there's no agenda they just like you because you're lovely.

God, yes. Not walking on eggshells 24/7. Anxiety levels have plummeted. Not wondering what he's doing on his phone? Texting her? Why is he late home? Is he going to leave? What haven't I done today that I "should" have and vice versa.

I am heartbroken and stressed too. I really loved him and tried so hard to make things work. It feels like a major rejection of the best of me. The bloody fool. But I've also had some of my writing published ( minor stuff, minor publications, but something), started tweeting, got a job and lost the shadows from under my eyes.

Hope you have a good sleep 1 x

I know it's not funny really but your parrot post made me giggle paddling. At least we can smile at ourselves in adversity. I'm not sure much of that goes on in Twuntsville. Mine for one, does have a sense of humour, but not of course where he himself is concerned. One doesn't laugh at oneself in Twuntsville.....Now I really am going to bed.

This is probably a question to you all whatever stages you are at in your divorce or separation. Do you have the 2-3 week respite period where you seem to get stronger and stronger then you have one text or phone call from the twunt re a small issue but obviously massive to them and bang you're back to a blubbering wreck.. just like the day or month after he left? Hope its normal as thats what this weekend seems to have been like for me, great that I can come here and read that its not just me or maybe that he is not the only twunt x

Roz funnily enough my ds seems to have conversations with me now, not about all that intelligent stuff you mention but its still conversation. He said something funny the other day though "Aint it funny Mum, all the neighbours are really nice to us now" BTW he's 25 lol

DS is a bit boffy. Probably years worth of thinking and studying all spilling out. I'm just glad when any of the children communicate, whatever it's about. My eldest boy suffers from psychotic depression, so we have some very interesting conversations.

It looks like our sons semtex are feeling happier and liberated by their father's absence. Interesting.

Your earlier question, it's a roller coaster alright. I cried over Duran Duran's Ordinary World this morning, I really identified with it.

A couple of weeks ago twunt called me to talk about putting internet in my sole name. I'd been doing fine but I ended up sobbing with my head on my desk saying "I can't do this, it's too much".

So yes, semtex I think that's pretty typical. And I think it's unlikely yours is the only twunt. There's whole classes of them attending Twunt school, learning to say things like "I love you I'm just not in love with you any more" and other cliches. And taking a PHD in entitlement.

Rozsometimes in a way its good that the children left at home learn a big lesson on how not to behave(shame my other two find stbx's wallet more appealing than me) but hopefully in time they will see him for what he is, oh and apparently he hasnt go OW just a big fat disgusting abusive mouth

Some of my kids are more susceptible to big wallet syndrome than the others are.

Roz thats sad isnt it when you know you have brought them up not to be materialistic, sorry to hear about your DS depression its hard as most of here know too but for the younger ones its sad x

Hello. Can I pour myself a large glass and join you lovely ladies please?

Quick intro - 2 years ago my now ExH suddenly came out with the (now familiar but at the time unheard of) MLC script re not being sure he loved me anymore. We had been together for 17yrs and married for 13 with two DDs, then 7 and 9.

There followed 2 months where I begged him to stay, we went to counselling and he generally spent the time thinking of new hoops I could jump through to try to make him love me again. While also telling me how unhappy he was and trying to decide if he could ever love me, or had ever loved me, or actually had ever really wanted to marry me. He also admitted to having had a year long affair several years ago when DD2 was very little. But showed no remorse. ..... obviously.....I drove him to it, me being such a rubbish wife don't ya know!

Anyway after 2 months and having lost 2 stone and almost my sanity, I decided that was it. It was over and I started divorce proceedings.

Less than a year later we were divorced and he never so much as said sorry. I did all the legwork (& paid for expensive solicitor etc) but his apathy and ignorance (& poss guilt -maybe??) meant the divorce went through quickly and I still have a roof over my head. He has a girlfriend who he works with (suspected OW), but official line is nothing happened until after divorce. Yeah, right!!!

He sees the DDs EOW and some days in hol. When not with them he doesn't take any notice of what they are doing but isn't actively crap, just a bit uninterested.

I am surviving and all my RL friends would say I have managed great. But the reality is IT IS SOOOO HARD. I am feeling much better than I was when this all first happened but I still have days when I just disolve in tears on my own & want to rant about how unfair it all is.

I know my story isn't bad in comparison to the horror stories some of you have endured; you are all phenomenal to be able deal with the general fuckwittery these men exhibit.

But I really appreciate somewhere to be able to come say how hard it is and have people who understand. All my close RL friends just dont get it.

So thanks for listening and sorry the quick intro turned into an essay!

Hello Start...welcome to the bar.

It is difficult when you have younger children and you have to stay in contact with the a holes. As I can testify with my stbxh, the master of his own universe's continued fuckwittery today.

Plus sometimes RL friends do not understand unless they've actually been through it. And even then sometimes it's easy to just post on here and rant away.

Although it's not all rant ...we do have fun times.

We are all surviving in our own way.

As the great WWK says ...This shit is hard. And we don't judge.

xx

Just an update for you girls...

He sent another text this morning saying..."Stop being so bloody dramatic.The girls are with their dad who is not a drugged up alcoholic."
What? I never accused him of anything. Where does he get this shit from? Is there a MLC book for dummies out there?

His texts don't actually make any sense.

Yes the man is a complete tosser. How can he still be allowed to run around with a gun is beyond me.

However, he did bring my children back on time. Although my little one came back crying and starving again and the eldest appears to have fallen for the charms of the Disneyland dad (aka big wallet syndrome). Let see what fallout we have tomorrow.

He also chucked in the little nugget of..."you don't need my new address you can ring me". Hmmm so if we don't get any replies from his solicitor, and we don't have his address does that mean I can go straight to his employers?

The other freebie I'm getting from Divorce is insomnia...so it's me again...

EFG...Keep going and as you say..do the best for your DD.

Teapot...good luck in court.
You're right the children are the core of our being and the stbxh's know how to twist the knife even further.
I think you're spot on with the phrase trying to 'negotiate with terrorists'. Although my one appears to be a terrorist dressed in designer gear with a clown hat on.

Izzie...you're right it is a repeat of his previous behaviour. Am obviously Iam still the unreasonable one.

Iwas...the 'I thought you should know' trick appears to be the weapon of choice at the moment with these bastards.

Hobbit and WWK...he did sink even lower and I know he was only trying to provoke me. I need to grow a shell.

Hobbit...start polishing those balls for mediation.

Cassawolf...I understand. The contact days are awful. I just hope in time we are all more 'meh'.

Roz & Paddling...The B & B stories are so sad. You try to get valiadation from other places when you don't get it at home. Be it a dog, parrot or random person (or is it just me that now talks to random people). Stonewalling is horrible. It all part of the dominators approach.

Wiseone...you are doing so well. Keep going.

My stbxh (aka the weasel) has shown absolutely no remorse what so ever.
I don't think he ever will.

Now stepping away from the laptop. Night night xx

Whoops sorry Living..I didn't forget you I just cut and copied your bit but didn't paste you back.

I know exactly what you mean about the small respites them wham they hit you with something else. Sometimes it doesn't even have to be that big but it sends you over the edge and the tears come again.

From what others have said and what I've experienced it's all perfectly normal. Grief is a funny thing.

One thing that's still surprises me is the acutual physical pain that you can feel after they have gone. It's like knives in my chest.

And I can assure you he isn't the only twunt in twuntville.

xx

Morning ladies Here's my usual for you lot - the support on here is tremendous.

Quick background married 20 yrs dd/ds twins 14 had the not sure about feelings speech Xmas 2013 followed by me throwing STBxh out and then bringing him home to look after him whilst he dealt with his "breakdown". may 2014 found out been having affair all this time with woman he employed in our joint business Of course he had continually lied to me and both df & Dfil during this time.

Left the family home in July 2014 on spur of moment decision however now know this was planned 6 weeks prior.

Have realised my marriage was EA - Financialy & emotionally-been on ads for most of it - always thought there was something wrong with me.

Have tried to keep process reasonable for sake of kids but 2 attempts at mediation failed so now going court route due to STBxh failure to disclose.
Have had to deal with major fuckwittery which is ongoing. ads are at maximum level, been on sleeping tablets, had counselling, /spoke to woman's aid been referred to mental health team oh & Found out have breast cancer before Xmas 2014 which I am currently being treated for.

I am the resident pscychologist & spiritual nutter And will be telling you all to never give up hope - I am into yoga & meditation/ mindfulness and am being convinced that there is something out there far greater than we know - my current story is testamount to this - I have found some steel balls!

I have been on the floor many occasion which you will see from past threads but I am getting to the meh stage - my nisi being read this week and actually feeling ok about this .

Keep going ladies one step at a time, do what you have to do to get through this and above all KNOW THAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT THEM & NOT YOU!

Kokoxx

hobbitt thinking of you - steel balls and Dave strutt!

Morning for you greenberet and all the other ladies ! You deserve it.

startwhereyoustand you are exactly right - unless you have been through this you don't understand - I have several friends ( across the world) who are on their own due to death of husband or divorce or just never having got married and I feel now as if I never really appreciated/thought about what they were going through on their own . Yes, I said the right things and hopefully sent the right messages but this being on your own morning and night is something else....

I may as well feel guilty about this as I get the blame for everything else from the runaway!

This is what I like about reading this thread - the words from someone else that suddenly just make me think " Oh yes, I feel like that too" and you realise it's not just you with crazy thoughts!

Hi everyone, welcome Start my love, and a how de doo to Green our resident spiritual nutter! Lovely to hear from you honey, you sound so much more positive and strong, thanks for lending me your steel balls for tomorrow.

Not feeling too bad at the moment, but I'm sure my anxiety levels will creep up as the day goes on, will be swallowing beta blockers like smarties by tomorrow I'm sure, I'll be so laid back I won't be able to string a sentence together!

Have written down all the salient points I want to get across, I'm just going in expecting very little, and then I won't be too disappointed will I?

Thank you so much for all your support and suggestions, KOKO all, x

Here's our mascot today, doing a bit of polishing in preparation for d-day!

All the best Hobbitwife001 for tomorrow ! Aaaah the lovely mascot - what would we do without them ? And she does housework as well!